you sick, sad people. how can you do this to your son?

The BBQ Pit
1

I met an old friend A the other day, and I asked him how things were. He told me his best mate G just turned 21 and he was going over to Sheffield to see him.
so I said “how’s he doing?, I haven’t seen him in 2 years”
A replied that since G’s parents didn’t even bother to send him a card G has been on a 2 week bender.A is going over to sort him out.

Wat has G done that is so bad? He’s gay.
He’s incredibly intelligent, funny, attractive, kind and generous. He told his parents when he was 16.

Their response was to refuse to have anything to do with him.
They paid for his schooling, but he had to pay for everything else.
They refused to speak to him in his own home.
Unsurprisingly he moved out.

They aren’t religious, or anything, just bigoted fucks.

He turned 18, they cut all ties and he gets a grant from the government to pay for college because his parents won’t.

They refuse to speak to him on the phone, and they won’t let him come home.

And he turns 21 and they can’t even send him a note.

So he goes out and gets wasted. And then calls A because he’s scared he might do something stupid.

Are you happy you ignorant motherfuckers?

Your only child is suicidal because you can’t accept him for who he is.

He’s trying to deal with your rejection by using chemicals because you never equipped him to deal with it any other way. You are both heavy drinkers and you both cheat on each other constantly. Then you say that HE is immoral?

I don’t have enough insults in the world for you. I hope you die lonely in some god-awful nursing home, because your son sure as hell won’t be looking after you.

2

That breaks my heart just reading it. I really feel for this kid- only 21 and heartbroken over parental rejection of that magnitude. I truly hope he finds a way to get on with life.

Zette

3

No, G is suicidal because he can’t accept his parents for who they are.

Apparently he has been dealing with this for five years now. If he hasn’t found a way to cope yet then there probably isn’t much he can do.

All G has to do is the same thing he is asking his parents to do. Accept. If he can do that, then it becomes irrelevant whether his parents can reciprocate.

4

I can’t begin to tell you how strongly I disagree.

5

My god, some people just suck. It amazes me that someone can just cut off all ties from their son just because he’s gay.

obfusciatris, you say that like it is so easy to do. Do you African Americans should be expected to accept the people who detest them because of the color of their skin? Or that women should accept people who are sexist against them? I’ve never been in this position before, but I can’t imagine what it could feel like for someone to hate you because of your romantic preferences. And your parents no less.

6

I think obfusciatrist meant that accepting that his parents are bigoted fucks will make it irrelevant to him whether they accept him or not.

In other words, he’ll be able to move on with his life without their acceptance making a difference.

7

I’m not saying that he has to be happy they’re bigots, or that he has to promote their point of view, or that he has to have Thanksgiving dinner with them or anything else. I am just saying that he has to accept that parents are what they are. He can argue with them all he wants, he can try to convert them, he can drop them from his life.

But as long as his self-worth is tied solely to what someone else thinks of him, he won’t be able to function.

Blacks don’t need to be happy that bigots exist, they need to accept that they exist and move on (moving on may include resisting them), recognizing that it has no effect on who they are.

Lady Juliet, I am not saying it is easy to do, just that it is what he needs to do.

Is what has happened to G unfair? Yes, extremely. Does that change anything? Not really.

We all want the parents to accept G as he is.
We, apparently, do not think G should accept the parents as they are.

Why? Simply because we agree with G, and that isn’t a good enough reason.

8

Yes, yes. You are right that G needs to move on.

I was just saying that it shouldn’t have to happen at all. Terrible injustice. It should be pretty hard for him to get over the fact that his parents don’t accept him as who he is.

Damn parents… It was pretty cruel of them not even to send him a Happy 21st card or anything.

9

You know, it breaks my heart whenever I hear something like this.

IANAP, but I would think that it takes some nerve to actually disown a child like this. I mean, geeze, put himself through school and everything, and just because he’s GAY?

I mean, come on! Of all the horrid things in the world-he could become a drug dealer, or a pimp, a murderer, join the mafia…etc etc…I mean, if that’s the ONE thing a child does that causes stress-I’d say they’re damn lucky.

10

Well, much worse things can happen than being forced to get yourself through school. My parents made me do it and they have no problem with who I am.

Is 21 a big birthday in the UK? I totally glossed over it, but the big to do here is that you can finally drink publicly. I thought the drinking age in the UK was younger.

11

Lady Juliet wrote:

Neither of these are valid comparisons, because there is usually no personal/emotional relationship between African Americans and bigots (in general) and women and sexists.

It’s infinitely easier to deal with some nameless stranger detesting you than it is your parents. As children, we’re raised to expect and depend on unconditional love and support from our parents into and through adulthood. Just like all African Americans don’t spend every day worrying about what unfamiliar bigots think of them, G probably doesn’t spend his time worrying about the opinions of Fred Phelps and his ‘church.’

Obfusciatrist, it’s unfair of you to treat these situations in a similar manner. I agree with you to an extent - G is going to have to deal with his parents’ rejection and accept it to function in life. However, you’re treating it like it’s the type of discrimination that minorities face everyday, which is certainly isn’t.

Obfusciatrist wrote:

Again, I have to disagree. Undoubtedly, a large part of the reason why most of the Dopers seem to side with G is because we do agree with him, but it’s not that simple. Neither party (G or his parents) are accepting the other, but G’s parents are going out of their way to be malicious and hurt G. That G can’t/won’t accept his parents as being ‘bigoted fucks’ is irrelevant. The people that he trusted to provide love took that away, and that is wholly unfair.

12

All of which explains why the suicide rate for gay youth is 14 times that of straight youth… sigh

Obfus, I suppose the thing is that it’s simply not so easy to dismiss something like this. If some twit in the metro calls me a faggot, I don’t get shaken up over it. But when it’s your own parents… it takes a little while longer and a little more effort to get over it. You can intellectually know they’re assholes and still be grieved by their hateful comments. Believe me, I know.

Thank gods it’s not related to my sexual orientation - my dad may be an asshole in a lot of ways, but at least he marched in the frelling pride parade last year. That could have been a lot worse. (Both of my roommates, for example, had to flee their families due to incipient horribleness.)

13

Once again, I am not saying it is easy, right, glorious, noble, despicable or anything else. I am just saying it is. Yes, it is hard to accept that your parents don’t love you, perhaps they despise you, it is hard, he will have to move on somehow.

There are two easy solutions to this problem:

  1. G stops being gay

  2. Parents stop being anti-gay.

Neither one is bloody goddamn likely. So you cope, however difficult that is, and you move on. Or you don’t cope and do “something stupid.”

Frankly, if G, after five years of this bullshit is still going on benders because he didn’t receive a birthday card then I expect that he does cry himself to sleep when called a faggot on the metro. Wallowing in self-pity is habit-forming.

14

Sorry?
Wallowing in self-pity.
Right. Yes, I’ll pass that on shall I?
5 years is long enough to get over the fact your parent’s act like you died. Great.

No he’s not STILL going on benders. He went on A bender. Period. Triggered by his parents totally ignoring his 21st birthday. It’s not a BIG birthday (not like 18) but it’s a big enough birthday.

He’s just got to a point where it’s finally sunk in that they won’t ever talk to him again. The last shred of hope he had has gone. Can you not see that?

He coped so well for the past few years, but he’s always thought that a few years down the line and they’d realise how much they miss & love him.

He has NEVER stopped loving them, despite what they did, which says more about him as a human being than anything else.

The fact that he turns 21 and they don’t bother to acknowledge his existence really brought it home to him.

OK? Are you happy now?

15

Obfus, you really know how to alienate everyone from your point of view.
well fucking done.

16

I’m sorry, but I think obfusciatrist is right on the mark, although perhpas the presentation could use a bit of softening compassion.

It is unlikely in the extreme that G’s parents will achieve enlightenment and reverse their course. Neither obfusciatrist nor anyone else in this thread is arguing that the parents are justified in what they have done.

And my heart goes out to G.

But if I were to offer G any advice, it might go like this: “I can’t begin to imagine how painful it is to be rejected by your family. But I can tell you that you must accept that your parents’ actions are comments on them, not on you. You cannot live your life or make your happiness dependent on anyone else’s view of you – that way lies more misery. I realize this is not an easy task… but if you can move past being hurt by this, you can view them with the pity they deserve, and still keep the hope that one day, they will accept you as you are.”

  • Rick
17

This seems to be depressingly common. I taught a few karate classes at a university and lost my student assistant because her parents pulled her funding when they found out she was a lesbian. She had to drop out and try to raise enough money to attend school on her own.

18

TwistOfFate, just in case you might be the slightest bit unalienated from my position: Blow me. It is my position and I don’t fucking care if others buy into it.

Yes, wallowing in self pity. I find it highly unlikely that he honestly thought something magical would happen on his 21st birthday.

It may be that he has finally decided to just accept it and it has all sunk in and he is going to wallow in it a bit. Fine.

But that is not what you describe. He didn’t call his friend and say “You know, I realize now that my parents are out of my life and there will always be hole. My friends may not be able to fill that hole but right now I really want to be surrounded by them.”

Now, he called a friend saying he might do something stupid. I doubt that. My guess is that he just wanted to be sure that his friend would drop everything and run over to comfort him and was just too insecure to ask. You say he had handled the rejection well up until now and suddenly the lack of a 21st birthday card is going to get him to kill himself. Either that is true, in which case I doubt he would really kill himself or it isn’t true that he had handled it well for five years, in which case that is more than enough time to come to terms with it.

Other people have the power to do things that can make you sad, depressed, angry, happy. Only you have the power to choose to be sad, depressed, angry, happy.

He has apparently chosen to let others make these decisions for him. I have little sympathy (though I agree that his parents are not behaving appropriately).

19

I think I sort of agree with Obfusciarist here…and I’m quite sorry about that. Irishgirl, as of right now it doesn’t look like his parents will ever come around to be reasonable, but unfortunately there’s not too much he can do about it, I don’t think. You can’t make someone be decent or moral, even if you really want them to be. Has G. considered therapy? It might help him to deal with the feelings he has towards his parents and their attitude towards him, but one way or the other, if he wants to survive, he’s going to have to find some way to deal with it. The only thing I can suggest is that you be there for him, and remind him that there are people who love him and care for him.

20

I’m with Bricker. It seems like obfusciatrist’s point of view is being unfairly construed as a cavalier “Geez, just get over being disowned already!” Acceptance of his parent’s hurtful decision is hard, but necessary, for G’s physical and emotional well-being – just like how kicking smoking isn’t easy but can save your life.