Your best friend asks you to help them leave a prospective mate at the altar. Do you do it?

In My Humble Opinion
41

The OP specifically stipulates that you like the spouse-to-be. This implies either that the STB is not a bitch, or that you like bitches. Anyway, I don’t think my obligation to behave morally changes simply because I don’t like the person in question.

You know, I had not thought of that myself, and it’s a good argument. I would then have to ask my friend if she made an effort to behave properly, and if she has but hasn’t the guts to follow through, I might move my car so she can leave with her new/old honey. But I’m also likely to say Lose my number.

One of the options was being tempted to slap your friend.

42

No, but I wouldn’t blink at a woman backhanding the dude in this context. We’re bigger and stronger than women, on average - we can dish out, and take, more physical damage. Which is why we have a stronger norm against hitting women than the one against hitting men.

43

I just realized I misclicked - I didn’t mean to select -
Fuck that shit. The jiltee’s better off without this jackass.

I think it depends entirely upon my view of the jiltee and the lost love what my conversation with my friend would be but either way whatever she decided I would do my best to do whatever she needed done.

I wouldn’t support any plan that involved no one talking to the jiltee no matter how I felt about them but I can’t see any of my friends wanting that type of plan anyway.

44

Many of the above -
First, talk to her to find out if this is just an extremely odd version of cold feet or if it’s a real decision not to get married to groom. If it’s the latter, I’d do everything but tell the groom.
I’d much rather my friend go through the cleanup of leaving someone at the altar (even doing that in a spectacularly jackassy way) than being stuck in a marriage she knew was a bad idea or a messy divorce several years later.

45

Of course my friendship has conditions, but they were met a long time ago. We’re not going to be best friends if I met him last week and don’t know him like I know myself, he’s like a brother to me. I trust the guy implicitly, if he needs to go and he’s tapping me it’s because it’s time for doing, not time for jaw jacking about it. We can figure that part out later. I stand by my friends. Now if it turns out later that he burned me, that was his choice and we can deal with it later.

Maybe it does. I don’t care, if my buddy comes to me and says “I need your help, get me the hell out of here” I’m acting first and not asking questions. That’s just how we roll. There’s nothing illegal about this either, I’m not saying I’m hiding a bloody axe for him or anything I’m just acting the way I’d want someone to act in the reverse. I know the dude, he’s not asking lightly or kidding around.

Here’s a for instance: He loves this woman and wants to marry her. They set the date and everything’s groovy. We get to the church and while she’s getting ready he pops in to the dressing room and finds her blowing one of the groomsmen. He’s at a point where he’s going to explode with rage and comes and gets me. “Holy shit dude, I got to get out of here now.” I grab him and we’re gone. It’s not totally implausible, he’s not being the bad guy, and I did the right thing while acting in good faith.

46

My feeling is that if you are finding a reason to abandon your wedding at the point of the ceremony, then it is probably a good idea not to go through with the marriage. However, adults need to take care of their business, no matter how embarassed they might be. I’d probably be considering breaking off my friendship with someone who couldn’t be arsed to face the music in a scenario like this.

That being said, I might consider announcing to the congregation that the ceremony was cancelled, if and only if I knew for certain that the ‘jilting’ conversation had occurred and it was a foregone conclusion.

47

“The proper office of a friend is to side with you when you are in the wrong. Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right.”

– Mark Twain

48

My sister is my best friend, and I would help her do anything short of hide the body–oh, who am I kidding? I’d help her hide the body, too. I’d deliver the news, move the car, and whatever else she needed.

49

Because at this point it’s about damage control for the other guy and for the attendees. At least I know if I go to the groom I will say it with some sensitivity and kindness. If I send my so-called best friend who knows? She may cause drama and a big fight. I would not probably actually move my car, if only because I am busy with the chaos, but I might hand her the keys and tell her to move it herself. And I’d talk to the people and try and at least put a good face on it for them - they never asked to be dragged into this drama.

I fucking hate drama, can you tell?

Oh, and I’d definitely want to hit my best friend. And she would no longer be my best friend after this, until she told me some valid reason “I didn’t want to marry him because I found out he kills puppies and I just couldn’t say it to you!” And even then our relationship would be irrevocably damaged, I think.

50

Ahhh, the memories.

The year - 1987ish

Me - Bridesmaid

The Situation - lovely girl, my best friend (family required that her cousin be MoH, I won’t bore you with that part) whirlwind romance, with a wonderful guy. Decisions and marriage were pushed forward by a job offer on Guam - she had to go with him right away or costs would prohibit them being together for 2 years.

I supported the whole thing against my better judgement, even catering an informal rehearsal dinenr through my own effort/expense. I thought she was great, thought he was great, thought they were great together, and thought it was all too much and going waaaaayyyy too fast. They met, married, and moved 1000s of miles from home in the space of three months. I told her my concerns, and then supported her decision.

So we’re all dressed and on the way up the steps to the church when she breaks down hysterically and begs me not to “make her go through with it.” She says she can’t do it, doesn’t want to, please rescue her.

My decision: She needs to talk to her fiancee. Stop the music, everybody out, somebody go get the groom so that they can talk this through.

Her Uncle’s decision: Stop the person trying to go tell the groom, and lay a huge emotional guilt trip on her to get her walking down that aisle.

Uncle succeeded, she walked, and they married.

3 weeks later we are at the airport for the big send off, when she breaks down hysterically and begs me not to “make her go through with it.” She says she can’t do it, doesn’t want to, please rescue her.

My decision: Let her bags and furniture go with him. She doesn’t need all that stuff. Let her stay here, hang at my house, and make her decision clear-headed and free of pressure. I go over to the counter to find out about changing her ticket date.

Her Mother’s decision: Berate and shame her into getting on the flight and hiding her tears from “that wonderful man.”

She was on the flight before I got back.

Five years later, I see her briefly upon their return from Guam. The hindsight answers: Pushing her down the aisle - right thing to do. She’s very happy she married him. Pushing her onto the flight - wrong thing to do, she was miserable there, and Guam was a lousy decision for them.

Given the circumstances and outcome, I have to say your chances are 50-50 of choosing the right response. The one thing I’m certain of, is that I still feel he had a right to know all the information, and make his own decisions accordingly. And he had a right to hear it from her.

51

I wouldn’t even move my car, I’d swap keys with him so he could get out faster. I’d enjoy telling everyone the wedding was canceled but there is no way I’m dealing with the jiltee’s crap, he doesn’t care anymore so there is no reason for me to do it. Of course I’d probably try to bang her once the worst of it was over.

I’d support my best friend in what ever crazy crap he wanted to do and I know he’s support me. I wouldn’t just help him hide the body I’d probably help him set up the whole murder so he wouldn’t get caught. If he wasn’t already married I kind of hope something like this would happen it would be fun to watch and telling the assembled that the groom was off to bang someone else would be fun.

52

Well, Mark Twain was wrong.

I’d do a lot for my best friend, but friendship does not mean you surrender your principles. I’m not going to coddle him and let him be a goddamned baby and run out like a theif in the night. If he wants to be my friend he had better act like a grown man, and that means delivering the news himself like a man.

Liars and fools don’t deserve my friendship and I don’t choose them as friends. If I make a mistake in that regard I rectify it as soon as I’ve discovered my error.

53

What RickJay said.

54

I’ll help my best friend get out of a wedding he doesn’t want. But I won’t help him make a jackass out of himself.

If he doesn’t want to get married, he needs to man up and break it off himself, not run away like a coward. I’ll gladly go with him when he tells the bride and her family in case anyone starts throwing punches. And I’ll run interference to help him make his getaway after he’s done the dirty work. But telling the bride that the wedding’s off is his job, not mine. I’ll do everything I can to make that job easier, but I won’t do it for him.

55

So I guess I’m Willow in this scenario? If Xander is such a tard that he pulls this stunt, then it’s clear that he’s too much of a tard to get married. And as others have said, if he’s too big a baby to explain himself to Anya, I’ll butch up and tell her. Not for him, for her.

56

In this particular situation - I’d tell the guests, that’s it. I’d be there for the jiltee if they wanted me to be. My friend and I wouldn’t be friends anymore.

Now if they were leaving them at the altar for a damn good reason (like, the groom hit the bride the night before, or the bride banged the best man and there’s proof of it) - I’d move the car and let the jiltee tell the guests why the wedding’s off.

57

I picked the first option. In reality, every time I hear of a man getting married, whether I know him or not, I offer to get him out of it. I’ll pay for plane tickets to a remote location if necessary. Nobody should get married if they have any doubts, or if they don’t.

58

Because…?

Assuming you’re serious about making these offers, does it cost you any friends? Does it irritate people? Do you make similar offers to your female relatives & friends, or is it that you think marriage is bad only for men?

59

Never cost me a friend. Some realized afterwards who their true friend was. Almost all wish they’d taken me up on the offer.

I only recall making one such offer to a woman, but I think most already have a friend to tell them not to marry the jerk.

Why do you assume I think marriage is bad for men?

60

I didn’t assume it. I inferred it from this, particlarly the bolded sentence:

Saying nobody should get married if they have any doubts, or if they don’t, seems to me to mean that nobody should get married at all. And, of course, you specifically mentioned men as being the recipients of your largesse.

Did you intend something else?