Ok, in fact I think the traditional monogamous relationship associated with marriage would work well for most people under the right circumstances. I find it rare that those circumstances align with a wedding. I could go into lots of detail on this subject, but it’s mostly the stuff that been said and heard many times before.
Have you ever been married? It’s a pretty good bet that at sometime you would have wished that I had made you the offer and that you had accepted it. It’s also a good bet that other times you wouldn’t.
I enjoy your questions and scenarios. I also enjoy providing answers you haven’t expected
I’m still not sure that the bolded sentence means what you intended, though. A person engaged to be married either has doubts or does not have doubts. It still seems to me that the sentence in question comes down to “Nobody should get married.” Do you see my point?
I am not friends with flighty people and cannot ever see this happening (I’m also not friends with people who are prone to marriage). But if this should ever happen, I’d attempt to talk my friend out of it. Failing that, remove myself from the situation entirely and that person would no longer be my friend.
Talk to my friend. Point out that he might just be feeling nervous about the wedding and not thinking clearly. Tell him not to make any rash decisions he’ll regret later. Etc.
If he’s certain that he wants to call off the wedding, I tell him he should man up and tell his fiance himself.
If he absolutely refuses to stick around for the consequences, I let him go. I’m not going to kidnap him and force him to get married at gunpoint. I find somebody like the bride’s parents or the maid of honor who knows her better than I do. I explain what’s happened and let them break the news to her.
If there’s nobody else around, I go tell her myself. It’s better than running away and leaving her standing at the altar waiting for somebody who isn’t going to show.
I go have a drink and reflect that at least I was only peripherally involved in all this drama.
If the bride made all those demands of me, she would quickly move into the realm of tentative ex-friend. I would not move my car, break the news to the groom or the crowd. I might agree to break the news to the crowd if the bride herself were to break the news to the groom. The thing I really would do is talk seriously to the bride to try to figure out if this was really just a case of jitters, cowardice or sexually-roused stupidity.
A good friend’s sister and her fiance called off their wedding 5 days before the ceremony. Better than calling it off 5 days after. The couple had determined that they were really just very good friends. They both went on to marry others and lead seemingly happy lives. (Seemingly only because I haven’t seen either one in several years now.)
I have to agree with both The Hamster King and Little Nemo.
I’d talk to the friend and find out what was going on, but I’m not ever going to push somebody into going through with a marriage they decide they don’t want. They might end up deciding it was okay, but then again, they might not, and it’s not for me to make that choice.
But, if you’re old enough to be married, you’re old enough to carry the responsibility of doing the right thing. And that doesn’t depend on who, or how, the other party is. I’ll go with you if you want me to, for moral support, but you’re telling your fiance and you’re dealing with his reaction. I’ll step in if he loses it and gets nasty, but this is between the two of you, and you owe him at least that.
Then you can decide who makes the announcement, but I’d rather not, thank you. I will if everyone else is just too overcome.
After that, if you need to get out of here, I’ll be happy to help you figure out how to do it. I will, however, beg you not to go running off with the OTL. You need some time to think this through. Again, if you want me to, I’ll go with you while you sort through it. But I’m not aiding and abetting if you absolutely have to be an idiot and do this right this minute. Call me when you get back. I’ll try to be happy for you.
As Best Man, it would be my duty to make the announcement. So I’d go up to the front and make the announcement publicly. I wouldn’t go into details. Just something along the lines of, “X isn’t sure about this marriage and needs some time.”
Specially the jiltee, who doesn’t deserve being married (and eventually divorced) to said jerk. I would tell the jiltee first, before the general announcement, because to do otherwise would be as jerkish as what the jilter is doing.
What my bestie needs, my bestie gets. My loyalty’s to her in this situation, not the jiltee, and god knows it’s not like she hasn’t had my back when I’ve done some incredibly stupid things. And I’d actually want to tell the jiltee, because I know how overally-dramatic and irrational she gets in emotional situations, and I’d worry about what the hell she’d say to him in this one.
I could actually see this happening to me in the not-too-distant future. She’s engaged to a lovely man who is nonetheless completely wrong for her, and if she realises this at any point before the wedding I think it’d be the best outcome for both of them.
It’s probably just me, but you just blindly do anything you want for your best friend, even if it’s doing something irresponsible and cruel and immature? Do you actually havea bond of loyalty to this person so deep that it trumps your own principles and fundamental ethics?
How far does such a thing go? Would you hide your best friend from the police after they committed a really horrible crime? Would you assist them in committing a horrible crime? Would you actively assist the best friend (I don’t mean not say anything, but actually assist) them in cheating on their spouse after they got married? Would you help your best friend commit arson? Engage in a confidence scam? Would you enable their drug addiction?
I’m reminded of Kevin Smith’s story about his friendship with Jason Mewes. who he loved very dearly, and thought he was “standing behind his friend” through years of Mewes trying to kill himself with drugs and whores. It took awhile but finally it sank in that standing behind his friend meant* not helping him do that shit,* and that sometimes standing behind someone means you have to say “No more.”
The OP’s scenario isn’t drug abuse, of course. We all do stupid things, but if my best friend did something this stupid, I sure as hell wouldn’t do his dirty work for him. “Having his back,” as you put it, is NOT enabling him to do stupid things. That approach doesn’t help people, it hurts them. You’re encouraging your friend to be a feckless, insensitive and irresponsible moron, and you shall reap what you sow. Providing support to the people you love does not mean you blindly, robotically provide active assistance to anything they want to do. Sometimes having someone’s back means you’re behind them to give them a swift kick in the ass.
Do you push your best friend into the wedding? No, not necessarily, but you sure as hell don’t play along with this circus of a sitcom wedding-escape joke. Nobody’s friendship is worth me making myself a worse person.
All good points, and my first statement was something of an exaggeration. But my best friend has, as I mentioned in the “Tell me about your Best Friend” thread, has shown unfailing loyalty to me, and it would take something extreme* for me not to do the same for her. I have, on more than one occasion, told her that I think her actions are wrong, and I consider that part of being a good friend. But if she ignores me and goes ahead with a stupid or immoral course of action anyway, well, chances are I’m still going to stand beside her, because that’s when she needs me most.
Like if she suddenly demonstrated rascist tendancies, or slept with my husband**, or murdered my mother, I think that would test my loyalty too far!
**Though if it turned out that they’d fallen madly in love, I think I’d forgive them both in time, even then.
I have been there and done that except for having to move my car. Weddings that are called off that abruptly are high tension nightmares. I told the jiltee and made the announcement because I was the only one in the wedding party not really freaking out.
My best friend is really not the type to pull this kind of stunt, but if for some reason she did, I’d first try to talk her out of it–not into marrying the guy, but out of creating a huge public drama. If she insisted, I’d help in any way I could, with the exception of telling the jiltee. IMHO that crosses the line from helping her out into doing her dirty work.
Well, actually, I might even do that if she truly, sincerely asked me to. I just don’t see it happening. There are very few (legal) things I wouldn’t do for my friends if they asked, but my friends are also stand-up enough to not ask me to be a jerk for them.
