I have been happily married for 35 years. If my wife expressed some insecurity over my habits and asked for access to my cellphone (something she would never do), I’d hand it over to her. It’s not locked, and it has no passwords.
Having said all that, if I were in some sort of a new relationship and my SO asked the same thing, I’d probably politely say “no” and assume that our relationship was over.
I’ve realized something about myself lately, that I will give and give without being asked, and give some things if I’m asked nicely, but if it’s demanded of me (or something inappropriate asked nicely), I dig my heels in and refuse.
So if a guy asked for my phone out of some paranoia? I’d be single again because I would refuse and probably be really mad that he didn’t know me very well at all.
This is the mature response. Part of me would hand it over immediately because I’d be pissed at the accusation and would want nothing to interfere with my being pissed off. But I hope I’d go Manda Jo’s more mature route :).
Oh, shoot, I just realized that there** is **something in my email list that I don’t want my wife to see. The “your items have been shipped” notifications for my Christmas presents to her.
Our three-year-old sometimes swipes one of our phones and calls a family member or texts a bunch of emojis, or he’ll pull up Netflix to look for cartoons. If Ashley Madison or Tinder turned up in one of our histories, we would blame him.
We use one another’s smartphones regularly, and are welcome to check browsing histories on desktop or tablets whenever. Often whoever has empty hands will pick up whichever phone is making a noise, no worries.
I’d be weirded out by the Demand aspect of anything, we don’t Demand in this relationship, but if for some reason he felt the need to do so I’d go the Manda Jo route.
We currently are sharing a laptop and tablet, and we regularly use whichever phone is handy [and we know each others passwords anyhow so we could get sneeky and peek covertly I suppose. Hell, his email is off my basic earthlink original email and I set up his password and he has never bothered changing it. The only email I don’t have access to is his work email. ]
mrAru spent 20 years in the US Navy, during which he was away almost as much as he was home, and spent 2 refitting stationed away from home, of 13 months and 19 months, and another 8 months doing something in Kings Bay [no idea what, actually. I don’t remember asking, to be honest. I had other issues in my life at the time that were soaking up my attention.] So bluntly put, we both had more than enough opportunity to get hinky with the other being totally unable to discover said hanky pankying. He could have been hopping onto prostitutes any time he hit a port and I would have no clue as long as he didn’t have anything catching or bring home photos of him and 2 other guys making some hooker go airtight. <shrug> as to the only time a previous female made a nonissue it was shortly after we got together - we had visitied Fresno for his sister’s wedding and apparently a female friend of hers had decided that mrAru was going to be her escort for the wedding and reception and sent a Christmas card a month later to his military address which came to the house in a bundle of mail for him [a friend brought it over, he was away at a school] so I did the fair thing after chatting with him in our evening phone call and opening it and reading his mail to him like usual, I sent her one of those annoying newsletter type Christmas cards back discussing the house we had just bought together, our wedding plans and all the seriously annoying little crap that normally gets dumped into these type of letters … oddly enough we never heard from her again [which mrAru thought was hysterical, his sister reported she was apparently ranting about the bitch that stole her new boyfriend from her while he was away in the Navy:p]
We’re the same as most folks above. We keep no secrets from each other and haven’t since the beginning 30ish years ago.
We don’t dig through each others emails or texts. Nor do we open each other’s paper mail. Unless asked. To me that’s about the same kind of courtesy as not barging into the bathroom while the other is pooping. Just show some class and stay out.
I’m sure I’d be much more security- & privacy-conscious with the other person if I was unmarried and had just met this person.
But ISTM that pretty quickly we’d need to develop that total trust. Absent that development the relationship is doomed to be no more than general friends, if that.
I see no reason to associate closely with either untrustworthy or untrusting people. Both are critical personality defects.
My Wife can pick up my phone anytime she want’s. And I can hers. There are no lock codes or passwords. When at home they are plugged into chargers.
Same with our computer logins. We each have our own admin accounts with no password. We share a netbook, and the tower is open to both of us. I use the tower more though.
When something gets wonky with my Wifes phone, I’ll ask to look at it to see if I can straighten it out.
We share passwords with each other, so technically he wouldn’t have to ask. I’d be pissed off if he did, then try to find out what’s bothering him.
I haven’t checked his computer or telephone though, even if I have access to both. I don’t see how that would help me in any way.
FTR, we’ve been together about 20 yrs.
I’m saying “no” , and a second demand might start us on the road to divorce. Not because I’m cheating or even because I care if he sees the messages on the phone. But because a)I don’t take demands well and b)I forgave him once already for making my life miserable because of his unjustified suspicions. I won’t do it again.
My wife and I both use the same PIN to unlock our phones and computers. If she wants to see what’s on my devices, she can.
If my spouse suddenly had trust issues, I’d think that saying “no” to the request could only make things worse. Of course turn-around is fair play and I’d want to see their phone while they were looking at mine.
We have each other’s passwords, we don’t lock our phones, and we’ve been married 35 years.
At this point we’re too damned old and tired to try to have double lives.
I’m not into jealousy, particularly entirely groundless jealousy, so by-by to her.
He usually just demands my unlocked cell phone so that he can update it - there seems to be a new ios update every week or two, and he know’s I’m lazy about the updates. In fact he knows my passcode so he usually just announces in the morning that he did the update while I was asleep. No jealousy involved.
I dated a person who was jealous when I spoke to any other woman.
I dated a person who was jealous of my cat.
I spend a fair bit of my time at work dealing with people who’s jealousies have destroyed their marriages.
For me, jealousy is a red flag in a relationship, so I’d bail early rather than put up with such nonsense again.
Demand? No, and I would put a password on the phone, and change all my other ones.
Ask? Probably wouldn’t even notice I’d handed it over.
She would be able to get into my phone after she killed me and cut my thumb off of my corpse. My ex-wife was so stupidly jealous of me for absolutely no reason that I wouldn’t talk to women at work just because of the thought that she might somehow find out. By talk I mean just talk. When telling stories about work I would have to edit out the women that happened to be there even when they were lesbians. Jealousy is a total and complete deal breaker. I won’t put up with a hint of it.
My wife knows my phone password, and I know hers. Too many times when you’re in the car and someone else’s phone has the bit of information that you need. So, if she wanted to see my phone, she just has to wait for me to wander off without it.
He has my phone password, so he wouldn’t need to demand it. However, we’ve been together for 17 years without him ever being the slightest bit jealous , so I’d assume that something had happened to make him suspicious.