Your cat has fatally stabbed your loaf of bread. Do you still eat it?

[Indygrrl]

@Dracona

I’d toss it (with extreme predjudice.) But then, I’m the only person I know who’s needed emergency surgery for an 8 fluid ounce deep neck abscess caused by kitty claw pathogens.

(I could poke half a q-tip into my neck for nearly 3 weeks after that.)

Damn, I thought I’d win the cat scratch fever game, but you have me beat!

(I had to have a lymph node from my thigh removed because it swelled up to the size of an egg because of cat scratch fever on my ankle. Not fun.)

[Celyn]

Spread butter on the bread, attach it to the cat’s back, buttered side out, and throw cat (avec bread) out of a high -up window. You can find out whether “cats always land on their feet” trumps “bread always lands buttered side down” or vice versa.
(Whether I would eat the bread or not would sort of depend on what other food choices, and money, were available. )

[Khadaji]

I dunno your financial situation, but damn, bread is cheap. I would toss it and buy a new loaf.

[Alive_At_Both_Ends]

Wouldn’t it be easier to eat the cat instead?

[leafrog]

Back in college when I smoked a certain illegal weed, I came home one evening to find my cat Rexx passed out, and newly purchased amount of beautiful purple and crystally bud strewn across the living room floor, slightly damp from being chewed upon.

I deliberated whether I should partake of the cat spit soaked dope…and finally decided to throw caution to the wind and ingest vaporized feline saliva. This led to a fun night of stoned musings of becoming a superhero with cat like powers, and a stronger feeling of oneness with my cat.

[Lynn_Bodoni]

@Antigen

It might not be claw marks - maybe he was nibbling at it. My cat loves the taste of bread crust. If I buy a fresh loaf of French bread and leave it on the table, I’ll come back a second later when I hear crinkling, and find his little face smooshed into the open end of the bag, licking at the end of the baguette.

I have to hack off the bit he’s licked and give it to him, because I’m not going to eat that!

So yeah, I’d probably throw out the bread full of holes. Not that I’m actually worried about disease or anything, but just out of a general sense of “icky”.

One of our cats likes to kill baguettes. Then she eats parts of it, but only after it is very, very dead. Fortunately, she’s one of the dumb cats, so I can store the baguettes in a pantry drawer if we don’t eat it almost immediately after buying it. The smart cat knows how to open drawers.

And yes, I’ve thrown out bread and anything else the cats get into. One of my cats (now deceased) had a sweet tooth, and loved to eat angel food cake and lick the sugar off of powdered donuts. We had to give her her own share of these pastries.

[David_Simmons]

@Q.N. Jones

That said, yes, there are plenty of germs on a cat’s paw. But if you think about it, you are already exposed to those things every day just by living with the cat. Does your cat sit on your furniture, get into bed with you, cruise the counters? If so, you’ve probably ingested plenty of germs that came off of your cat’s paws. That’s why I doubt eating this bread is an unusually significant risk.

That’s why I don’t avoid germs. I don’t believe in babying my immune system. I want it rough, tough, on its toes and ready to rip and tear.

Snarl.

[pbbth]

Well, every time this has happened to me (3 times total, all because I was dumb and left the bread out on the counter for half an hour or so) I have thrown it out, partially in anger for leaving it out and partially depressed that what had once been a beautiful loaf of bread is now smushed and shredded. My cat has a thing for carbohydrates though. If I make muffins or cupcakes and leave those out he eats the top off of every single one.

[Tikki]

Show the cat who’s boss. Stuff her in a pet carrier, take her and the loaf to the nearest lake and make her watch as you feed the bread to the ducks.

That should take her down a notch or two.

[Spatial_Rift_47]

@Celyn

Spread butter on the bread, attach it to the cat’s back, buttered side out, and throw cat (avec bread) out of a high -up window. You can find out whether “cats always land on their feet” trumps “bread always lands buttered side down” or vice versa.

The cat-bread assembly will hover spinning in the air forever. Cite.

What?

[Guinastasia]

I’d eat it, but then, I’m not fussy-I shared an ice cream cone with Noel earlier.

[Chez_Guevara]

It’s about time someone defended this cat.

Every cat is entitled to a fair trial so I’m appointing myself as pro bono defence counsel.

The evidence seems somewhat circumstantial to me and I suspect you are letting the cat take the rap for your own crime.

Yes, it was you, monstro, who came home legless that night and, ravenous with hunger, attacked the loaf with a sharp instrument because your drunken efforts had failed to remove the wrapping using the normal method. (My investigations will probably reveal the weapon as a knitting needle.)

You then retired for the night and, coming downstairs the following morning, came upon the carnage and ,without conscience, blamed your innocent cat for your own wanton vandalism. People like you should be locked up and fed nothing but bread and water (without the water) for a very long time.

I rest my case.

[Lady_of_the_Lake]

laughs in appreciation of the post above

The bread - I’d probably not eat it.

By the way, my cat does this all the time too! She loves bread and will eat the bread, but not the cheese out of a sandwich if it’s left around. Strange cat.

[chowder]

@Celyn

Spread butter on the bread, attach it to the cat’s back, buttered side out, and throw cat (avec bread) out of a high -up window. You can find out whether “cats always land on their feet” trumps “bread always lands buttered side down” or vice versa.
(Whether I would eat the bread or not would sort of depend on what other food choices, and money, were available. )

As everyone knows a cat will always land on its feet no matter from what height it is dropped.
However an Irish cat will always land on its head so your idea would not work unless you were absolutely certain that the cat had no Irish blood in it.

just kidding, no offence to the sons of Brian Boru

[mrklutz]

I’d toss the bread – not out of fear of germs, but because every time I used it I’d be thinking “damned cat”.

[monstro]

@Chez Guevara

It’s about time someone defended this cat.

Every cat is entitled to a fair trial so I’m appointing myself as pro bono defence counsel.

The evidence seems somewhat circumstantial to me and I suspect you are letting the cat take the rap for your own crime.

Yes, it was you, monstro, who came home legless that night and, ravenous with hunger, attacked the loaf with a sharp instrument because your drunken efforts had failed to remove the wrapping using the normal method. (My investigations will probably reveal the weapon as a knitting needle.)

You then retired for the night and, coming downstairs the following morning, came upon the carnage and ,without conscience, blamed your innocent cat for your own wanton vandalism. People like you should be locked up and fed nothing but bread and water (without the water) for a very long time.

I rest my case.

I’m entitled to a rebuttal, your honor.

I know it was Bebe who attacked my bread. My first bit of evidence: I saw her poking at it earlier. I snatched it away and put it in a chair (because I’m too lazy to put things where they belong), thinking she’d be too fat to get to it. Then I went to bed with a false sense of security.

When I woke up, the bread was on the floor, with her signature claw holes.

The only other possible culprit would be my other cat, monstro. But I’ve eliminated him because 1)he’s the good cat and 2)he has shown no love for bread or other human foods except for milk.

By the way, I replaced the bread when I went to the store yesterday because of yall’s warnings. But if I go home and find that the new loaf has been stabbed, somebody’s in trouble. And I’ll probably eat it.

[Lynn_Bodoni]

I know it was Bebe who attacked my bread. My first bit of evidence: I saw her poking at it earlier. I snatched it away and put it in a chair (because I’m too lazy to put things where they belong), thinking she’d be too fat to get to it. Then I went to bed with a false sense of security.

See, there was a MOUSE in that loaf of bread, and Bebe was just doing her feline duty of searching it out and destroying it.

[indecisive1]

@monstro

I’m entitled to a rebuttal, your honor.

I know it was Bebe who attacked my bread. My first bit of evidence: I saw her poking at it earlier. I snatched it away and put it in a chair (because I’m too lazy to put things where they belong), thinking she’d be too fat to get to it. Then I went to bed with a false sense of security.

You left it sitting in a chair? You, sir or madam, have created an attractive nuisance! I bet you throw small candies into your unfenced swimming pool as well! Poor, poor little Bebe. Poor, poor tormented little Bebe. And then to be called fat as well. It is just too much to take.

[you_with_the_face]

I think it’s fucked up that you automatically blame BeBe, when all you have is circumstantial evidence.

You love the other cat more than you love her. She knows it, you know it, and your precious little namesake knows it. That’s why he stabbed the bread. Because he knew he could get away with it.

And I have to know: Where was the bread when Bebe was poking at it, if your solution was to put it in a chair? Was the bread lying on the floor to begin with?

Don’t bother answering 'cause I already know that it was. That loaf bread had been lying on the floor all week, along with a container of milk and a stick of butter.

[Tikki]

Monstro, Chez Guevara, it sounds as if a DNA test is in order to find the culprit. You should also test for trace amounts of aluminum or wood that could match any knitting needles Monstro has been known to own.