Your childfree lifestyle. What's it like?

In My Humble Opinion
81

What is a childfree life like? For me and my husband, day in and day out, it’s fine. We have pets and we have jobs and we have free time to spend as we wish. But every so often, when we least expect it, it’s lonely.

We tried for years - fertility treatments galore - all our friends having kids and we slowly being left out of the loop. Oh the prayers, and time, and money that was spent. Unsure about my own ability to be a good parent, but knowing my husband would be a wonderful father. He is caring, giving, never selfish. I wanted so desperately to give him a child.

Finally having major surgery to make sure all the clockworks in me were working correctly. During the rest period from the fertility drugs, I developed a chronic disease. For over 3 years, non relenting, 8 presciptions per day (most with evil warning labels about having 2-headed children), I can barely get myself through the day. There’s no way I could do it without my husband to help me.

And now we are both so glad that children aren’t involved in this. And to all those well-meaning people who constantly ask why we have no children… We tried VERY hard but not everyone can have children. We must have worried too much or not prayed enough? We did all we could do. And no, adoption is not an option, even if this state allowed the chronicly ill to adopt. It would just be more of a burden on my husband. I would probably sleep through it all anyway.

Yes we prayed. And though, it hurts me being blindsided by all this, I thank God every day that he didn’t give us a child. Sometimes, the answer is no. Back then, I didn’t know I wouldn’t be able to care for a child now.

Am I selfish? Terribly. Am I happy? 99% of the time, barring Mother’s Day. Am I arrogant? Most definately and I’m prickly as all get out.

Do I need a child? No. Am I glad to be childfree? Yes.

82

My day today so far:

Around 3a.m. got woken up by our cat Napoleon who was meowing out the bedroom window at what I’m pretty sure was nothing. His meows are loud enough to wake the dead during a busy city afternoon. At night they sound just that much louder. Shut the window so he wouldn’t have anything to yowl at, so then he started yowling at the closet door. Got up and shut him into the third floor where he can run and yowl to his heart’s content without keeping us awake. Thought for the millionth time how glad I am that he’s not a child because I’d get in trouble for shutting him up there, even though he’s got food, water, litter and toys and it’s only for about 3 hours.

Gave the other cat George a pat on my way back to bed as he looked at me as if to say “Look at me, I’m the GOOD kitty.” Little brown-noser.

Woke up at 6:30 to the alarm. Have to get up early today to start my new 7-4 shift. Started the coffee maker, opened the door to the 3rd floor. Took Nappy a while to appear as he was probably zonked out on the futon up there. Pet him a while to apologize for being a mean mommy last night. Showered & dressed, booted up my computer and started work. Worked and drank coffee while waiting for the Peapod driver to arrive.

At 7:35 the Peapod driver arrived so I shut both cats in the third floor so I could bring in the groceries without them underfoot. Let them out so they could look through all the new stuff before I put it away. Oops, forgot to put away the deli turkey first and they almost had it for breakfast.

At 8 woke up my fiance and gave him coffee. He showered and dressed. At about 8:45 I was ready to speak to humans (I’m horrible before coffee in the morning) so we chatted while doing stuff at our computers. Then he went to work and I continued working.

Chatted a bit on IM with a friend who just got laid off, has a new baby and 2 older kids. Her husband is out of work right now. I felt thankful I don’t have kids to worry about in this economy.

Been working some mor up 'til now, which is around 1:15 pm.

Plan for the rest of the day:
Think about whether I want to go to Trader Joe’s, TJMaxx, neither or both after work. I need some new jeans but maybe I need Miss Meringue cookies more. Hmmmm.

Set up a play date for next week with my friend Anne who has 2 of the only kids in the world I genuinely like. We might go to the playground.

Laundry. Gotta do a bunch of that. I’m almost out of underwear and I think Ben’s been wearing the same socks for a couple of days now.

Balance my checkbook and go online to find out how much principle (principal?) I have left on my student loans.

Make dinner at some point (grilled apple & cheddar sandwiches with squash soup) after Ben gets home between 7:30 & 8.
We’ll watch Friends because it’s Thursday. Then well get in bed, read and snuggle, maybe fool around, then sleep.

83

I see nothing wrong with choosing not to have children. I think many people, at one time or another, have said to themselves, “I never want children!”.

I was one of those people. My wife and I have a 2-year-old son. We had been married for 5 years before she got pregnant, luckily. We had a lot of fun in those years, and I thought it would all come screeching to a halt once we had a child.

I had always heard how “everything changes” when you have a child, and I always thought of that as a negative. Only when I had a child of my own did I realize that it’s not a negative thing at all.

Sure, I miss being able to go to a theater on a whim, or to stay out drinking until 2 AM without needing a babysitter, and without the guilt that occurs on the rare occaision that we do go out now. I miss sleeping in, but we’re lucky in that our son sleeps through the night, usually about 10 hours plus a 2 hour nap in the afternoon.

I don’t regret having a child at all. For every tantrum there are 100 great moments, from the first smile to being looked up to like superhero for killing a spider with a shoe. It may sound silly and sappy to someone without kids…it sounded that way to me before I had mine.

If you ever change your mind and have a kid, you probably won’t regret it. It’s a radically different lifestyle, but not worse. Just different.

84

I’m child free, but I’m not married…so I’ll understand if you run me out of this post on a rail since it’s really for child free married people. I do, however, have really strong views on being childless.

I think that It’s A Wonderful Thing.

My child free life is great. I have no bills to speak of, and if I decide to save for tuition, it will be for further education for me. I can take off and travel without any worries, I can stay up as late as I wish, I can go out whenever the mood hits me.

If I want to, I can sit around for three days stinko drunk on gin and have no consequences other than a vile headache and dehydration.

I am, therefore, pretty damn happy go lucky and cheerful. A fact that does not escape the notice of numerous acquaintances who do have children. They seem loath to miss an opportunity to try and needle me about my tragically childless state.

Them “When are you going to settle down with a nice man and have kids?”

Me “I’m not interested in reproducing, or in finding a breeding partner.”

Them “You’re just saying that, you want children.”

Me “No, I don’t.”

Them “Oh, you’ll change your mind…you’ll be pregnant by next year!”

Me “WTF?!?”

Every single time this topic comes up the person nods sagely and informs me that I don’t know what I’m thinking and that I’ll be knocked up before I know it.

They think that I’m shirking my duties by not dropping pups.

Well, I like to think that I’m being responsible by not breeding.

In my opinion, there are far too many people walking around popping out progeny like walking peeps factories. Yes, I understand that parents tend to love their offspring, and that they feel empowered to produce mini-thems. I can understand that the sense of continuation that children provide staves off the fear of death and provides a sense of immortality in a way.

I also believe that it’s inevitable that uncontrolled reproductive freedom will be ended, since our current unchecked rate of population growth cannot continue indefinitely. At some point we will have to strike a zero growth balance.

So, in a way, I’m living an ideal, futuristic, existence now. As so many will in the future. The child free are the growing trend of tomorrow, and I’m already in the cheery ranks.

85

I respect those who choose to be child-free, but I think this is a little overboard.

Futuristic?

86

This is a great question!

I’m young (27), living common-law (for 5 years). We plan on having a big party (wedding) - someday. We haven’t decided on kids (probably yes, but later, and probably adoption). We have two cats, own our home, own our cars, and have lots of hobbies, including X-stitch (me), Tae Kwon Do (both), re-building a '78 Fiat X-19 (him), biking and hiking and skiing and vacationing and swimming and hanging out with family and friends (both), reading and writing (me). He owns his own business in addition to working full-time as a Sys. Admin. His business specializes in providing web page hosting to local Non-profit groups including Guelph Humane Society, Halton Hills St. John’s Ambulance, and the Hillside Festival.

The other aspect of your question is unstated - the people trying to encourage/shame you into doing something that isn’t right for you. My guy and I had this confab recently. I’ve been very lucky - I’m pretty traditional, but with a supportive family and community, so I don’t often get people challenging me on my lifestyle choices. (Even my grandma just says “I can’t imagine a Garniss not wanting a bunch of kids!”) He is a private guy, and once had the bad luck to fall in with a judgemental group of people (it was so bad they accused him of treating me shabbily by talking to them!) From his point of view, he would sooner avoid people altogether than give them an oportunity to dissect his life in public, and “advise” him what he’s doing wrong.

Good luck in dealing with the “helpful” advice you are recieving, and Bonne Fete on your upcoming marriage!

87

Oh, absolutely. I’m wearing my shiny silver jumpsuit right now. I’m sure parents will start following our lead as soon as they find out that spills wipe right off!

Motorgirl - childfree and stylin’

88

That conversation never fails to drive me straight out of my mind. It’s even worse when you’re with someone, trust me.

“Oh, you’ll understand when you guys have your kids.”

“So you guys are gonna have a kid now, right?”

“Good Lord, what are you two waiting for? You’re not getting any younger, you know.” (I’m not? Really? Are you sure? 'Cause I was really looking forward to reliving those awkward teen years.)

If people would just say "Oh, that’s interesting. Let me know if you change your mind, " it would be one thing. Unfortunately, most of the time it’s a smug little smirk followed by, “Oh, you’ll change your mind.” (Oooh, you’re right, I am changing my mind! I’m gonna slap that smirk off your face after all.)

And people wonder why the childfree are sometimes hostile about it. Sheesh.

89

I think the reason some people with kids may give you that smug attitude is because they’re thinking, “Not gonna have kids? Yeah, right. Neither was I.”

That, and the fact that most people end up having kids eventually.

90

My situation is slightly different. I had my 2 quite young and am now technically speaking an empty-nester. My fiance is childless by choice.

Even though I (and he) am young enough to have children together, we are choosing to remain childfree. And it’s really fun I have to say.

I love the freedom we have. We decided last week that we wanted a mini-vacation so hey-presto, we are going on one ASAP. I couldn’t do that when my children were young and we sure couldn’t do it if we had kids now.

You may call that selfish – it’s your prerogative.

I call it loads of fun.

91

Let me preface this slightly by saying that my husband works nights as a full time musician and I work part time (20 hours a week) at a hospital. My hours are due to a medical problem that prevents me from working a full time job.

A typical day:

I get up at 5am and get ready for work, take the dogs out to pee, make coffee, kiss husband goodbye and go to work. I arrive home at about noon or so, and we have lunch together. Sometimes we work on the yard, sometimes we go for walks. The other day we did both- we went to a nearby store and tried their fresh brewed iced tea, which we shared on the way home.

We usually take a nap in the afternoon on the porch. We then get up and have dinner (which we alternate cooking duties for), then clean up. Then we plan our evening. Sometimes we read together, play games (board games, rummy, whatever), go to a friend’s house, rent a movie, start a fire in the fireplace and put on music and have a romantic evening, take the dogs to a park and run them, go rollerblading, walk to town for ice cream, drive to a nearby town and go shopping, sing, play instruments, visit with the neighbors…you get the picture. We do whatever we feel like, basically.

Then we go to bed together, have sex if we want, and fall asleep together. Ditto for next day and next day. The only differences are if he has to work (in which case evening activities are postponed and he leaves at 6 or 7pm, returning at 1 or 2 am) or if he or I are on the road. We both take lots of trips and visit people, and he likes to go up to NY and play at the clubs up there.

The reason we can do any/all of this is because we do not have children. If we did, he never would have been able to quit his lucrative job and make a living playing gigs out. We would probably both work all day, or he would and I would be at home, miserable from the stress of taking care of children by myself.

I feel we have a rich life together. We are a very close couple emotionally, we don’t fight or bicker, we spend lots of time together (LOTS), we enjoy each other’s company, and we have fun together. I wouldn’t take the chance of ruining that for anything or anyone. I think kids are great for other people, but not us. I also don’t particularly care if people think it’s selfish, either. All I know is that our friends with kids have OFTEN commented on our relationship and our lives and been envious. Several have expressed that they regret their choice to have children. That is a fact.

I love my childfree life and would never, ever change that. To be able to go anywhere at the drop of a hat and have the means to do it is a great freedom. Also, to be free to change careers or make other huge life decisions (like moving 800 miles away, which we just did) without impacting a little one is fantastic. At least if we’re going to be broke for a while due to our life changes, it’s just us suffering, not another non-consenting person.

92

Huh?

I did have time to post very short responses to things people said. I didn’t have time to compose a pit thread. What is the issue here?

93

I have no problems admitting I’m a selfish person who never wants to have children. I don’t like children, I’m not a patient person and wouldn’t be a good parent.

I have never wanted children and was lucky enough to find a man that feels the same way. We’ve been together 7 years and we are just as firmly committed as ever that we don’t want to have kids.

I also feel the world is over populated enough, resources are limited and my small decision to not procreate will have exponential benefit over time.

The only small regret I had was losing the ability to share beloved childhood books with a child. To fulfill this need, I became the “Bookworm” for a coworker’s very bright 9 year old daughter. Once a month, she gets a book from the “Bookworm” and she loves the books and loves having a “secret friend.”

94

Glory, that’s a great idea!

95

sigh Unfortunately, I wasn’t so lucky. My husband badly wants a child. I think he would make a great father, and if I were to have kids, he would absolutely be my first choice. But I don’t want kids. I don’t want to carry them for nine months, give birth, or raise one.
Right now he’s content with “Maybe one day” but I know that he won’t remain content. I don’t think it’ll ruin our marriage or destroy our relationship, but I have a feeling it’ll always be a bone of contention until one of us changes our mind.

96

The issue is that you wrote this:

You were bagging on me for asking you to get your ass to a Pit thread. You said that you already did and inplied that I was a dumbass for not knowing that. The issue is that my post was written before your apology so I couldn’t possibly have known that.

Haj

97

Oh, well I wasn’t implying that you were a dumbass, just informing you that the pit thread in question now exists, and that I happen to have apologised in it.

98

Fair 'nuff. We’re good.

Haj

99

I feel I have a foot in both camps here as we wanted children (one anyway) but couldn’t have them for biological reasons.

First, I find the argument that people who choose not to have kids are “selfish” absolutely ridiculous. What IS really selfish is reproducing without thinking about what sort of parent you are going to make, what you have to offer a child, and giving birth simply to fulfil an egotistical desire for a “mini-me” (to quote one poster). The result of this attitude is all around us - abused children, neglected children, children brought up as accessories to their parents’ egos rather than as individuals. I think this sort of parent is the kind that has the child, buys the gear, laps up all the congratulations, and then ends up surprised when the child turns out to be a real person with an awkward individual identity.

Having said that, I don’t know why some people who have made a perfectly sensible choice not to have children feel the need to overstate their case by talking about “yard apes” and suchlike. Choosing not not to have children does not mean you are obliged to dislike them, and parents probably find it hurtful to hear their children described like this. In fact, I find it offensive to hear children described like this. Children are people.

Sorry if this sounds a bit preachy, but as someone who is childless/childfree not by choice, I get annoyed by 2 assumptions - first , that anyone who does not have kids does not like them (I do, for one), and second, that our lives are somehow less fulfilled - reproduction is not the only way to have a meaningful life.

100

So mrsface, are you going to talk about what the OP was asking? The question is: What is your childfree lifestyle like? I’m interested on different perspectives, as is the OP, which is why they asked. Thoughts?