My sentiments are virtually the same as shrew’s. In fact, so is my life.
And, CrazyCatLady, I’m tired of those comments and questions too. My cousin asked me, “Are you going to have kids? No? Why not?” I recall that I answered civilly, though I really owed her no response.
I NEVER would have dreamed of asking her or anyone else “why” they had kids, or why they were going to have another, or anything of the kind.
the question is “what’s [not having kids] like?” not a Great Debate over having or not having kids, so I’ll try and answer it.
It’s like - imagine all those things that you say “if we didn’t have to wake up at 5 to feed the baby we could…”. Well, I get to do them. I don’t have to decide between buying kids shoes or a stack of DVDs. I don’t need a babysitter on Sat night.
I don’t know what it is but marriage and kids seems to age people. All the married people I know who are my age (30) seem like they are 40. They dress horribly. They’re overweight and complain about their back and knees all the time. WTF.
And talk about self-absorbed. “Jimmy got straght As!” ,“Jimmy scored a goal!” , “Jimmy tied his shoes!”. I’m sorry…do I look like I share the interests of a 5 yr old?
One funny thing is that you rarely see people our age (late 30’s) out at events. They mainly are at home with the kids. We’re either the youngest at the Dylan concert or the oldest at the Beck concert.
Haj
I’ll say it.
I don’t think I would be a good parent.
I really don’t. When I read threads from parents whose kids are bieng bullied I get really enraged. The ‘solution’ that pops into my mind is to give the kid a gun and tell them to shoot the bastards.
Then you have threads about kids failing school, or kids trying to kill themselves, getting sick, dying, getting in trouble with drugs or booze, and I know I COULDN’T HANDLE IT.
OK! Are you satisfied? Hell I can’t even spell and you want me to raise kids?!!
Let’s see…our day.
Alarm off at 5:30 am. Wife gets up and goes upstairs to do her morning run on the treadmill. I get up around 5:45 or so, and start my shower.
7:00am I head off to work, I like to get there early, so I can leave early. Wife leaves about 20 minutes after me.
3:30pm Arrive home, change, and start my daily run. The time it takes varies from 40 minutes (short day) to 70 minutes (long day). Shower and change into boxers and t-shirt for the night.
4:30pm or so. Wife arrives home, and starts dinner. Sometimes it’s something cooked on the grill, or pizza ordered, usually home cooked.
6:15pm Dinner over, and clean up and load the dishwasher.
6:30 - bedtime. Whatever we want to do. Sometimes we watch tv together, sometimes we’ll watch different shows in different rooms, sometimes I’ll play my computer game, while she sits on the other end of the couch reading, and sometimes we’ll just go to bed early. I think we fell asleep around 7pm last night.
In the past year, we’ve taken a trip to Cancun, San Diego, Orlando, Rome this was a spur of the moment trip, basically spent a long weekend in Rome, and she went with me on a business trip to Korea. If we had children, I highly doubt would could have taken those trips. We do want children, but I was firmly convinced that we should take the time to enjoy ourselves first, so that we wouldn’t be like so many parents we know, regretting the fact that they couldn’t do the things we’ve done.
You go to bed at 6:30 pm? Just curious.
Not really that often Contrary…and I really don’t like to. But the wife wanted to lay down for a “nap”. Well, after my run, I usually am tired, but I know that if I lay down, I probably won’t wake up until around 9:30 or so. And of course, since if I get up, my wife can’t stay in the bed without me, that means she gets up, and is miserable…so I end up laying in bed wide awake for several hours…sigh. Things I do for love.
My child-free life is my life - it’s enjoyable, but not all fun and games, obviously. You want me to say I’m happy cause I get to stay out at all hours and keep only beer and ketchup packets in the fridge. Well, I am. But that’s not why I’m not having kids. I’m not having kids because I don’t feel comfortable around them and I can’t muster up the desire to have them, no matter how hard I try. Ok. Getting off my soapbox. I will now describe my lifestyle:
I work several small jobs (personal assistant, English tutor, translator) that allow me to volunteer at a program for foster kids (easy, now, they’re all teens. Not a toddler as far as the eye can see) and skip town on a fairly regular basis. Whever hubby and I amass enough money for tickets, it’s overseas we go. We usually get a job there and stay for a few months.
I visit my parents in PA. I go out for dinner (read: mass amounts of alcohol) with friends roughly every other weekend. Every once in a while, I’ll offer my services to the local Zoo. I don’t generally cook - we have lots of delivery places here and the hubby works in a restaurant, so dinner’s taken care of.
We don’t really have a good financial base. If we earn money, we spend it on bills and everyday stuff. Sometimes we’ll save it towards plane tickets or to rent out a cabin with some friends.
One thing that I’d be curious to find out is how many the people who feel obligated to have a baby (whether they chose to or not) are religious in some way. I can see no logical reason to feel guilty about choosing not to reproduce, except for their faith, and maybe your nagging relatives. Not wanting babies and feeling “selfish” about it? Sounds like a contradiction to me.
Also, I have to comment on the whole “So, when are you going to have a baby?” phenomenon. Usually, when I am asked this question, it is accompanied by a heavy stare that says to me “You WILL feel my pain.”
Atrael – I knew I was an early bird (generally in bed by 9:30 and up at 5:30) but even for me, 6:30 is too early to go to bed.
And yes, you are a good spouse for going to bed with her like that. My fiance has done that as wel and I do sleep a lot better 
If you ever change your mind and have a kid, you probably won’t regret it. It’s a radically different lifestyle, but not worse. Just different.
I LOVE this line. I don’t have any kids, and I don’t know whether or not I will. If I still can’t decide and it’s biologically too late, I can adopt. Both decisions are selfish…when (I’m assuming) you have kids you trade rewards of being childfree with the rewards of having children of your own. So you have a happy life with children and a happy life without children. From my experience, I have a lot of love to give and if I don’t have a my own child to give it to, I can give love to other people who need it. I do have more time to volunteer and give of myself in ways other than to my child.
It’s not my duty to reproduce, and it’s a person’s right to reproduce.
So, what’s my life like? I have a close, rich relationship with my spouse. I give of my time to charitable causes. I have deep friendships. I have lots of hobbies and interests. I don’t have to cook dinner if I don’t want to. The only person’s schedule I need to worry about other than my own is my husband’s. I don’t party, but I do like to attend an occasional concert. It’s nice that I can just go if I want.
Sometimes, I get the urge to share what I’ve learned with a fresh mind. Occasionally I worry about whether someone will be there to take care of me when I can’t. These things seem to be selfish, yet they might have a better chance of being fullfilled if I had children.
I agree with who exactly are you being selfish to by not having children?. Mankind is the only thing I can figure…But I didn’t ask to get put on Earth, even though I enjoy it and love existing. I, like everyone else, am just trying to make my way through and be the best person I can be. I don’t see where having children enters into it at all. I will experience things (yes, some of them unselfish) that people with children will not, and vice versa. The important thing is to respect the decision of another. It’s not like we’re deciding whether or not to commit a crime. Though it may seem that way sometimes.
Oh – this morning Mr. S and I decided to go wandering around the local flea market. Stopped at a friend’s house a few blocks away; she was working in her yard, and her 5-year-old was playing outside. We offered to take the kid along with us, which pleased them both. We had our dose of kid time (bought her some deely-bobbers for a buck), kid got to go to the flea market even though her mom was too busy to go, and mom got some work done without the kid underfoot.
Everybody wins!
I am 31, childless and have been married for 11 years. We always said if the urge hit, we will. I am not sure it ever will hit me. I am a doggy mommy to 2 terriers, and I am satisfied by that!
I work full time, I do volunteer work for several good causes, I am active in the community, etc. A co-worker was blown away by the fact that I had a full life and activities without children. She thought I went home and did nothing every day, and she was serious!
It sometimes is hard to keep friendships with people who are parents. I find that we have tend to have friends who are older than us - their kids are grown!
The worse part is my SIL, who has a child and in my opinion is miserable. In every phone call she has to point out that we are “DINKS” while she has to be frugal because she stays home. It was her choice to have a child, and her choice to quit working. Don’t begrudge me for my choices, and the fact that I have extra income to spend on whatever I want, instead of diapers and juice.
I honestly feel that you have to take a look at your life, and if you have the slightest inkling that children are not for you, stick to it! Be a Big Brother/Sister, volunteer as a mentor for underpriviledged kids, etc.
I’m having trouble making sense of this comment.
The way I look at it, to say “My genes are worthy of being continued and I’m going to do my best to make sure they do get passed on” could certainly be construed as the selfish or self-centred point of view. If one takes the alternative position, viz ‘I reckon I’m doing everyone a favour by not passing on my genes’, it seems to me this could be seen as less selfish, not more so.
I am never going to have children, and I can offer several reasons. None of my reasons seem to me to be selfish, and in fact many of them proceed from a willingness not to see me and my wants and my needs as necessarily any more important than anyone else’s.
For instance… I think we can all agree that there are some children who have pretty lousy parents. And kids being raised by lousy parents causes a lot of problems, for the kids concerned and for society in general. Yet of course no-one (or hardly anyone) ever admits to being a lousy parent. I’ve heard a zillion young adults say they want children but I’ve never met any who have asked themselves whether children will or would want them. They just kind of ‘assume’ that because they can have children, and it’s their right to have children, that they don’t need to think it through any further.
Well, I did, and I came to the conclusion that I wouldn’t want me as a father and I figured no-one else would either. So that was one reason why I decided I would never have children. If you think this is ‘selfish’, well, it isn’t. Buy yourself a dictionary and learn what ‘selfish’ means. It’s actually a case of putting other people (the potential kids I might bring into the world and try to raise, and society as a whole) ahead of any personal wants or desires I might have.
So go easy with the ‘selfishness’ bashing. Judge each case on its merits.
Hi all, I’m new here.
In my own case, I met my husband when I was 20 and he was 30. 8 months into our relationship he proposed. I told him quite honestly that I didn’t think I’d be into having children.
My, how everyone laughed at me at the time. You have no idea, they told me, how strongly a maternal urge kicks in. You’re too young to know. Blah blah zzzzzzzzzz.
Twelve years on, what do we have? A couple having gone thru lengthy marital therapies, marital separations and with major problems, because he is desperate to become a father at the age of 42, and I can’t bring myself to bring a child into this world that I don’t truly want with all my heart and soul.
Who’s in the wrong here? No-one, I don’t think.
Rapunzel:(
Because the OP seemed to be a lighthearted query about the life of the childfree from someone who plans to be childfree, the tone of this thread is distressing. I don’t think it’s demeaning to call children yard monkeys and more than it’s demeaning to call a spouse “the old ball and chain” if the tone is jovial.
Every time I see the word selfish tossed out, this thread feels more and more like an evo vs. creation thread. One side is constantly confused by the other side’s failure to use reason and agree-upon terms.
Thanks to Heart on My Sleeve for a welcome dose of witty insight:
Having or not having children is, in the best of all possible worlds, a choice. That said, I find it selfish and downright creepy when people talk about a “mini me” or someone they create. “A person’s a person, no matter how small.” I think most of us can agree that we are not exactly the person our parents imagined. Many of us know people who were fortunate enough to be raised by adoptive parents or relatives instead of their biological parents, and all of us can point to a teacher or family friend who had a profound influence on our life. Parents certainly have an enormous influence on the adult a child becomes - but that’s just as true when being a bad example guides the child’s decisions! Plenty of people with worthless, no-account parents turn out just find. And some kids are just no good. Being a parent is not like being the god of a tiny Eden. I’m sorry this is drifting into rant territory. Forgive me for having to much experience with people who are so busy defining themselves as great parents that they pay no attention to the children. Did I discredit my entire post? Oh well.
Oh, and I also fine it a little S-word when people, especially people in couples with an older woman, won’t consider adoption. Why spend thousands of dollars and risk you life for your own holy genes when so many babies are so unlucky in the birth lottery.
Oh good luck sweetie, that has got to be a tough one.
<<hug>>
I definitely have more energy than I would if I had children.
I teach 5th grade. It’s exhausting. By 3:30, after a full day of kids’ questions, arguments, and conversations, I’m ready to be alone. Sometimes I think of my fellow teachers, whose days are NOT over. They’re just gearing up for the 2nd half: homework, dinner, bathtime, bedtime, playtime, listening to what happened at school, signing permission forms, shopping, and on and on… I’d fall over in a dead faint.
I love the peaceful little apartment I come home to every evening. I enjoy making mosaics, so I work on them. I play with the cat. I listen to the radio, or go to the gym, or read. I love the quiet; I love the calm that is so different from my roomful of students.
I love the convenience of being able to dash out to run an errand without having to pack a potentially unwilling little person with me, or arranging for a babysitter.
My life fits me perfectly. I can certainly understand that it’s not the life for everyone, but I’m happy as a clam.
I’m not married, but I am childfree, and will remain so, because there is not a single thing or being upon this planet that could change my mind. Ever.
As a very young child, I used to say that I wished I had been born a boy, the very idea of carrying and birthing a kid repulsed me that much (once I learned of it.) You cannot imagine the joy I felt when I first read about what surgical sterilization was, a few years later. My instant reaction was “I want that!” I don’t know how old that was. Ten or twelve, maybe. I have wanted it ever since. Not only do I want it, I want a big, ugly scar, so that I can stare at it in the mirror and be reassured that no freaky baby things are going to ever grow inside of me and ruin me and my life. It will be a trophy, a sign of my victory over a body that could betray me and my goals as a person, as a human, and as an artist.
My life is full and good. I can easily support myself, and if I go hungry, it is only me that suffers. I am free to write, paint, and create as I please. I would not be a good parent. I have little patience with most adults when they can’t understand something after I’ve explained it a dozen times. I have NO patience for such things with a child. There is a potential for me to be physically abusive, since my own childhood was so stormy. (I don’t even remember a great deal of it.) I am extremely vain. I have seen photographs of my mother before and after three children. That won’t happen to me. I love peace and quiet, and it’s necessary for my work, which my life is devoted to. I am far more useful to the world in a state where I can operate at my full capacity and live up to my potential, a potential which does not involve popping out sprog. I hate babies. They are helpless and smelly and noisy and expensive and only pleasant when they belong to someone else. These are my feelings. Perhaps I am selfish, but if I am, it is a selfishness which hurts only me, and no one else, and I fail to see what business of yours or anyone’s it is that I fail to “pass on my genes.” You want my genes, make a clone, and leave me alone. If, everytime I have sex, I am wrongly denying some hypothetical person the right to exist, then anyone who has ever had sex with a condom, on the pill, or using any other method of preventing pregnancy is just as guilty as I am of being selfish. Think of all those lives you could’ve, but didn’t create. Hell, why am I sitting here posting on the SDMB when I could be out fulfilling my duty as a baby-factory?
Neither Lobsang nor anyone else has the right to make judgements of selfishness based on the general idea of being childfree, without knowing each and every individual person who chooses to be so, and understanding why they came to that decision. Very few people who reach such a decision come to it lightly. If I work hard to earn money and build a nice life and body for myself, I am under no obligation to risk or ruin all that simply for the sake of someone else’s desire to propigate the human species. I am one of the most generous, loving, thoughtful people I know. I give to my friends until it hurts, and will often forgo my own desires to be able to afford things for friends and family. I give to multiple charities, I go out of my way to assist others, and constantly expend energy trying to be a positive influence on the lives of people around me. There is so much pain and suffering in the world already – if I ever get the wild urge to foster a child, I will do just that – foster a broken life that needs repair, not take a crap shoot trying to make a new one. If I was given the option of repairing an old appliance that I could use, saving it from possibly winding up in a dump somewhere, and instead make it something positive and useful, or building a new one from scratch, leaving the old things to the trash heap and spending countless hours of personal toil and bodily risk trying to make something that might not even work – I would choose to repair what already exists. The analogy is bad but the logic is good. Maybe you find my childfree choice to be selfish, but I find your overblown self-importance – that your genes are somehow so invaluable that you are doing humanity a great evil by failing to propigate them – infinitely moreso. Furthermore, my heart aches for all the homeless, malnourished, abused, unloved, etc. children in this world – anywhere in this world – who might have had a better chance at life if someone more fortunate or wise than their own parents chanced to have been, had opened their hearts and taken them into their homes, instead of insisting it must be my child. No child asks or deserves to be born into poverty or hardship, given the disadvantage before they’ve ever even taken their first breath. If you want to make a difference in the world, save an existing life. If you want to say “I made this!” buy an effing can of Play-Doh. When humanity starts to risk going extinct, then come back and talk to me about my “obligations.”
I apologize deeply for the continued highjack, but opinions like Lobsang’s make me nauseous to the point that I can’t stand it. I am sick of trying to justify my life-choices to short-sighted, small-minded people. The short answer is that if you feel you want to be childfree, then be childfree. If you want children, have them. If you want to adopt or raise dogs or chickens or exotic lizards, then do it. But I don’t run around criticizing dog owners or saying to women pushing strollers, “Why the kid? Why didn’t you just have an abortion?” Asking me when the Hell I plan on breeding or telling me I am going to change my mind when I get older because Everyone Does is every bit as offensive, and I am sick and god-damned tired of it.
Bloody Hell, I was in a good mood until I opened this thread.
Typical day: We get up around 7, go to our respective jobs, return home for supper. As often as not, I’m off to either coach baseball or go curling. If I’m home, we go shopping or to the zoo or rent some movies or watch TV or go swimming at the Y or go dancing or go visit one of our many family members and friends in town, etc… A fair bit of time is also spent reading. AND, we’ve begun spending some time with a Childless-By-Choice group called “No-Kidding” (they have 87 chapters around the world). Needless to say, we keep ourselves busy, in spite of living a fairly modest lifestyle.
I’ve had this conversation in one form or another many, many times with my wife and we have come to the same conclusion every time: we don’t want kids. It has nothing to do with selfishness, selfessness, or anything in between. We simply have no interest in them. When we see kids, be it at family functions, at the mall, in restaurants, or at the house next door, we certainly notice the bad ones, barely notice the ok ones (the vast majority), and usually are impressed with the really good ones. But never, ever do we feel like we want one.
We have made a carefully thought out, well-informed decision on how to live our lives, a decision that we take very seriously. I believe that raising a child is the single most important, difficult responsibility a person can take on. It is a responsibility I’m not interested in and I never have any sense of regret over it. I just wish more people thought more carefully about their decision to become parents before they did it.
Hello!!! My lovely wife- to- be and I will marry May 18th. After 4 years of dating and engagement (a combo), we have no children. I am fortunate to find a woman who shares the same idea as I. Our lives are ok. We both work and save for the future. Our future. We have no need for children. So, count us on the childfree (and loving it) side.