Your eccentric endowment

Okay, so, you’ve somehow come into a tidy sum of money, and you have decided to create an endowment for the betterment of humanity. But you want to be absolutely sure that you are making a unique contribution to society. Your endowment will be addressing a need that no one else is doing anything about—or perhaps has even heard of. You can use your endowment to give aid to an underserved population, or support a little-known artform, or research an obscure scientific problem.

What will your eccentric endowment be?

I would establish the Podkayne Fries Fund for Understanding the Cause and Prevention of that Single, Thick, Dark Hair that Grows in Some Random Spot on your Face or Body. I would fund research grants, sponsor conferences, and, since I’m now rich and have tons of free time, I would even volunteer myself as a research subject. (Got one on the left side of my chin, right on the jaw line.) But the first expenditure would probably be to hire a publicity firm to come up with a better acronym. Oooh, and purchase some underwriting on NPR.

A denture clinic in Renton has the most marvellous art-deco-ish neon sign, but over the years one tube after another has burnt out and the proprietor hasn’t (apparently) been able to afford to repair them. It would be so wonderful in full operating order.

So, given a goodish-sized inheritance to fritter away, I’d establish the Rocketeer fund for the Rehabilitation and Maintenance of Denture Clinic Signs.

As I drive down the highway, I see many different billboards, many of which are in serious disrepair. If I were given a huge chunck of change, I’d like to start the **Dragwyr National Endowment for the Restoration of Billboards".

I’d also like to have an educational scholarship and rehabilitation foundation set up for one-handed magicians’ assistants. Those that would qualify would have to have to be a magician’s assistant who lost their hand due to an illusion gone wrong. The foundation would provide medical assistance, training and certification as well as job placement so that those assitants who were injured could recover and learn to hold that rabbit with only one hand.

The Bosda Fund For The Promotion Of Babes With Strawberry Blonde Hair. It would be a trust fund, paying an annuity to women with Strawberry Blonde hair (obviously the sexiest hair color in the world). Amount A, the smallest annual fee, to–any woman of child-bearing years with naturally Strawberry Blonde hair. Amount B, larger than A-- To any woman of child-bearing years with naturally Strawberry Blonde hair that is married to a man with blonde, red or with naturally Strawberry Blonde hair. Amount C, larger still–To any woman of child-bearing years with naturally Strawberry Blonde hair that has produced children, in or our of marriage. Amount D, largest–To any woman of child-bearing years with naturally Strawberry Blonde hair that has produced twins, triples or quads with Strawberry Blonde hair.

And grants to geneticists for creating a gene therapy technique that induces Strawberry Blonde hair in non-Strawberry Blondes. And a big extra if the process creates hereditary Strawberry Blonde-ness!

Hubby and I have discussed this plan: The Lissa Endowment For People Who Do Nice Stuff. The plan is that we’d drive around the country and give huge rewards to people who were nice or did small kindnesses for strangers.

If a waitress was obviously having a bad day but was still nice and efficient, she’d find a ten thousand dollar tip left with the check. My puppy once dashed across the street and a stranger jumped out to stop him before he got hit. That guy would have gotten a 10K reward as well. If I dropped a hanful of books, the person who stopped to help me pick them up would find themselves richer for it.

We’d copy the experiment that Reader’s Digest used to do. We’d put a wallet with a hundred bucks in random locations, and anyone who returned it would have their greatest need met: if they needed money for college, we’d pay their entire tuition, or if they needed a house, we’d buy them one. Anyone who didn’t would get a letter which informed them of what they’d lost by keeping the wallet. “If you’d given it back, I would have bought you a new sports car. Enjoy the fifty bucks you found inside.”

I’ve always wanted to establish “The Silenus Scholarship Fund.” The only people who are eligible are B-/C+ students who aren’t members of any minority group, aren’t athletes, and whose parents make just a bit too much money to qualify for any financial aid.

I would also establish a defense fund for anybody who vandalises a car that takes up two parking spaces because the owner is a dick.

I am pleased to announce the creation of the Manitoba Magneto Sign Stabilization Fund.

These signs have become an epidemic around here. You can’t drive down a highway without tens and hundreds of these things advertising cheap something or other. It’s highway spam.

So, as some folks are in a financial position such that this is viewed as a legitamate form of income, my fund will provide money to send them to school to get training for another occupation. I’m not giving money away though. The fund will purchase the sign business from them for the cost of schooling and they will have to agree never to put up another sign again.

I’d fund the CMKeller Baseball X-Prize, a baseball scholarship for people whose last names begin with X, with a special bonus for being:

The first one in the major leagues at all
The first one to record a major league win as a pitcher
The first one to hit a home run.

I’d start the Sunspace Foundation to Eliminate Gratuitous Paving.

You know all those traffic islands and medians that are paved in spite of the fact the no-one walks or drives on them? The ones that end up litter-strewn and cracked and have weeds growing up through the cracks? The ones that make the roads look really crappy, like some kind of poverty-stricken war zone?

My foundation would de-pave them.

Butterfly gardens and tough low-maintenance ground covers all the way!

I have a similar dream. The Mouse_Maven Scholarship Fund would pay the tuition and book costs of part-time college students, who work full time and are getting their first undergraduate degree.

I would also start the Fake Estate Fund. The goal of this fund is to purchase all the great fictional landmarks so they can be preserved for future generations. Their mandate would be to start in Diskworld, purchase the Unseen University and go from there. :smiley:

I would hold a press conference to proudly announce the creation of the Alistair McCello Fund for Planting False Evidence to Convience Future Generations that I was the Ruler or Diety of a Great Civilization.

Natuarally this would be an undertaking beyond the ability of my mere tidy sum, so I would hold fund raisers and charity banquets and other things that people with tidy sums do to acquire more tidy sums. In return for donations contributors to my fund would get their names included in my fake civilization, the more money you give the more important you can be.

The money would be used to do things such as building impressive mausoleums for myself and other major benefactors that would be adorned with fake biographies inscribed on the walls, creating fake documents and then aging them and burying them in strategic locations, etc.

The Beware of Doug Out-of-Print-But-Not-Out-Of-Copyright Media Sharers Defense Fund. Our logo would be a red barred circle over a snarling dog in a manger filled with CDs.

Hmm. I have a strange suspicion that not only has this been done before, but it’s really all some kind of a scam.

Would they have to be interested in becoming architects? :wink:
GEORGE: I’m interviewing all these annoying little overachievers… finally, this kid walks in - Steven Koren - a regular guy… likes sports… watches T.V…
JERRY: Is he smart?
GEORGE: (Defensively) He knows how to read. And he also knows finishing an entire book doesn’t prove anything. And get this: he’s into architecture.
JERRY: Hey! Just like you pretend to be.
GEORGE: Yes. With a little guidance, Steven Koren is going to be everything I claim to be, only for real. That’s my dream, Jerry.

The Governor Quinn Fund For The Hunt For Lost Media

This fund shall be devoted for the hunting for and preservation of various forms of media that, over the years, has disappeared. The search for lost films, radio airchecks, kinescopes and two inch quads will all be paid for by this fund, as will quarterly presentations of material found by the fund.

The Hampshire Fund for Quiet Theatres.
All money in the fund would pay for trained bouncers/ushers that stood guard in the front of movie theatres and promptly tossed out those who talked, kicked seats, or whose cell phones rang.
Before a movie after the Dolby Digital logo ran there would be a short meassage…
This quiet theatre brought to you courtesy of the Hampshire Fun for Quiet Theatres.

:slight_smile: If, as seems likely, MPAA, RIAA or some other God-Damned AA choose to make an example of the BoDOoPBNOoCMSDF in the civil courts, we’ll be happy to throw any remaining resources behind your efforts.

I hope all of you win the lottery or benefit from the demise of a distant and unlikeable but obscenely rich relative. :slight_smile:

Except maybe Bosda. It’s like . . . a pervy Howard Foundation.

I prefer to think of it as a romatic-with-heavy-overtones-of-stalking version of the Howard Foundation. :dubious:

Question: Can one stalk an entire demographic group?

And, if dating a demographic group, is it OK to go Dutch Treat? :confused:

I would buy the Star Trek franchise and rehire all the good people that worked on it, some just as consultants, tho.

Instead of trying to write any episodes myself or have friends and Dopers try their hands at it, I would put Manny Coto in charge, but give him some suggestions from time to time. He did a pretty good job at what he was allowed to do by the Bergama, but he had a little too much fanboy wankery in some of his stuff. I would clearly outline the direction I want things going, but stay out of the day to day business. Hey, let the pros work.

After a couple of new movies, I would market to syndication a new series. Then, I would step out of the picture almost entirely, stepping in only with veto power of lame stuff when needed.

Hopefully, the new direction the franchise would go would actually bring in some money, so that the endowment would continue to grow and fund itself. Once we started making a profit, my endowment would fund scholarships for all the sciences for anyone at all, based on academic potential and merit. Any age, race, creed, as long as it’s a real science. And to any school, whichever one had the programs that the students were interested in. Trek in the past inspired and influenced lots of youths to take up science careers. I want more than that. I want them to have guaranteed funds for their academic pursuits. The only thing I would ask back from any of them, would be to have the endowment as a beneficiary of any fortunes that might be made by them because of their taking advantage of the endowment. Just a small percentage of the profit, to make sure the endowment continues to grow.

The NoClueBoy Incredibly Frenetic Star Trek Endowment.

yes, I’m a completely lame-o fanboy nerd wanker. But it makes me happy. :dubious: