Hee hee, the Ghetto Sled. I miss that car.
It got nicknamed the Ghetto Sled because, believe it or not, it was a pre-owned Lexus, but it was in such bad shape my friends used to tell me it was “pre-owned” because it was stolen and stripped out. (Actually, it was a bottom-of-the-line car to begin with, and my mom, the previous owner, is not kind to cars.) I had people get into my car and say “Dude, you gotta be kidding me. Did you GLUE the fucking L on the front of this thing?”
What was wrong with it?
Well, it had decomposed in the driveway for a couple of years, which allowed ample time for all three of our cats to puke in the back. There were stains on the (carpet fabric, not leather) seats that never came out. One of the speakers was busted, and the radio wouldn’t go any louder than a whisper. And no, it had a tape deck. This is a 10-year-old car here.
A couple of neighborhood kids had also used the hood as a trampoline. And for some reason, this car was a crud magnet. I’d wash it the night before and drive it to school. When I left the house the car would be green, but when I showed up at school it would be brown.
I also learned to drive in it. Which means that I ran it over a couple of cement rails in my evil school parking lot, blew out a tire, and fucked up the suspension so badly that the car never stopped pulling to the right, even after we tried to get it fixed. When I drove it, I always had to hold the steering wheel so it would turn the car slightly to the left.
The heater and the air conditioning broke every week. Eventually I just stopped leaking money to get them fixed and either wore my coat or rolled down the windows.
Nevertheless, I really liked that car. I liked how people who had never seen it would walk out to the parking lot with me, and they’d be saying “Dude! You own a Lexus? That’s so bad-ass! If I own - - WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!” I really liked how the front window would roll all the way down if you pressed the button once. I liked the smooth ride. And I especially liked how the car always appeared to be going 10 mph slower than it really was, and how cops would never pull me over because it was a small, conservative car that you generally see middle-aged housewives driving. I liked this because I could drive home at one in the morning through neighborhoods with youth curfews. I was the only kid in my graduating class who had never been pulled over, and I think some credit goes to the Sled because I used to be just a godawful driver.