Your first thought about this situation

[Yorikke]

Not sure I know what you’re getting at. Are women afraid of pedo daddies? I applaud the guy in the OP.

Edit : Saw OP’s update. The thought of that literally did not cross my mind.

[Sahirrnee]

@WhyNot

OoooOOOOOOhhhhhhhh… Yeah. I totally missed that; didn’t even occur to me. I thought maybe it was “How DARE he cancel our plans, I mean I’m working anyway, so I don’t really care, but how DARE he?”

We had no plans, he was just letting me know he was going to busy all weekend with the boys.

[Sahirrnee]

@bobkitty

Which is probably the point behind the OP- women are supposed to answer “No way I’d let MAH MAYYYYN do something like that- that there widow will just take it as an opening for her to work her feminine wiles.” Or, conversely, it’s a way for the guy to hone in on a damsel in distress using the simplest of ways.

There aren’t enough :rolleyes: in the world for either of those scenarios. Sounds like the gentleman in question is recognizing that two young boys are suffering and a woman is likely in desperate need of some alone time to grieve the loss of her husband. Men and women should answer the OP the same way- good on him.

Interesting that you see the women expecting an ulterior motive, yet when I asked around it was the men who saw it that way.

[wonky]

I read the OP aloud to my husband and we both had the same reaction: “What’s the question?”

I think it would have been an easier OP to parse if you had given some information instead of calling this guy your “friend” since we were baffled as to why your friend had to say he would be unavailable this weekend.

But it still just sounds like a nice thing to do.

[Two_Many_Cats]

Your male co-workers are jerks apparently. Except for one.

[Little_Nemo]

@sahirrnee

Ok
I’ll answer now and I appreciate all your honest answers.
I hope anybody else answering doesn’t read ahead and answers honestly as well.

I thought it was very nice of him, didn’t give it a second thought, and had no problem with it being just the guys.

I told one of my co-worker friends and her response was that it was a nice thing to do, and then one of the men at work said, ‘you have to be kidding me, he’s only doing it to get in her (the widow’s) pants and next thing you know he’ll be cheating on you’.
That thought never occurred to me, so I started asking around the workplace. Almost every woman said it was a nice thing to do, every man except one said he was doing it to get into her pants. My friend asked her husband and his first response, he was trying to get into her pants. Several of the men told me I was naive and stupid to think he didn’t have an ulterior motive.
Well I trust him and think I know him well enough not to have worried, but it was interesting to me and so I thought I would ask here.
My opinion though, is that it said more about the men who thought he was trying to get into her pants than it says about men in general.

But maybe I really am that naive and stupid.

Speaking as a man, I say no. The guy was just doing this to be a nice guy and help out with the boys.

Does he want to have sex with the widow? Well, sure, it’s the Billy Crystal Rule - we want to have sex with every woman we know. But will he have sex with her? No. Most of us understand the huge moral gap between wanting to have sex with every woman we know and actually doing something to make it happen.

The guys who don’t understand this moral gap are the dickheads who make the rest of us look bad.

[Inigo_Montoya]

@Two_Many_Cats

Your male co-workers are jerks apparently. Except for one.

+1

[not_what_you_d_expect]

I’m female and have been known to suffer from jealousy and I really like kids, so I guess my answer is, it depends.

Are my friend and I doing well or are we fighting with each other a lot? Has my friend ever cheated on me or another partner? How long has the lady been a widow and what does she look like?

In a perfect world, what he’s doing sounds wonderful. But I need more information.

[Typo_Negative]

@sahirrnee

I told one of my co-worker friends and her response was that it was a nice thing to do, and then one of the men at work said, ‘you have to be kidding me, he’s only doing it to get in her (the widow’s) pants and next thing you know he’ll be cheating on you’.

My first thought was 'Is the widow hot?"

[MandaJo]

The only reason it would seem weird at all is if normally you and he and the boys spend the weekends together doing family stuff. It would seem weird to me that he enjoyed that family time with me, but when there were more kids (and he might could use more help/adult company), he suddenly didn’t want it. But that’s only if the really standard, so-expected-we-don’t-even-formally-make-plans expectation is that you come over every Friday night and stay through Sunday kind of thing.

[HoneyBadgerDC]

I would down grade it from trying to get into her pants to more of an innocent I will be your hero thing. Men kind of enjoy that opportunity. If that is the case I would keep an eye on it.

[DigitalC]

Seriously, the woman just lost her husband you honestly think anyone but a complete scumbag would be trying to get into her pants right now? The guy was just trying to do something nice, it is extremely insulting to even consider anything else.

[Robot_Arm]

I’m male.

1. Offering to look after the boys to give the widow some time for herself is a very nice gesture, nothing more.

2. The bit about we-couldn’t-get-together-anyway-because-you’ll-be-working is very pragmatic, but some people don’t appreciate pragmatism in emotional situations.

3. The woman is grieving her husband, but the boys are also grieving their father. That seems like a difficult time to be spending time with strangers. She needs time alone, but they might need her just as much.

[AHunter3]

@sahirrnee

What’s your first thought?

My first thought was, quite literally, “First thought about WHAT? What’s the question?”

It really struck me as a series of events that seemed everyday and ordinary and some minor drama about a death that is being handled well by the other people mentioned. I confess I peeked pretty quickly at the first 2-3 posts and nodded on realizing that other folks’ first thoughts were that the guy who volunteered to watch the boys was doing a nice thing.

male person here.

[Gary_T]

@jsgoddess

I read the OP aloud to my husband and we both had the same reaction: “What’s the question?”

@AHunter3

My first thought was, quite literally, “First thought about WHAT? What’s the question?”

Same for me.

Now that I see what the OP is after, my thought was that the fellow was trying to be helpful. Whether separating the kids from the mother while they’re grieving would actually be helpful is another matter. Trying to seduce the mother? In my opinion, those who suspect this are buttwads.

[duchessofdork]

It’s something that my husband would do without a second thought, and is a large part of the reason I love him.
Also, I’ve been widowed with a young child, and there are a lot of guys who offered to do things just to get into my pants, but it was always stuff that I had to be around for, you know? He can’t put the moves on her if she’s not there.
And it will be good for them, I think. My son was a couple of weeks old when my first husband died, and I’d never left him with anyone . My late husband’s mother took him for a night after the funeral so I could finally sleep, and so she could distract herself and love on the baby. I desperately needed it at that point.

[Spud]

I read the OP and my first thought was that the guy was a great stand up guy (I say this as a father).

Then I read the update, and I now think your co-worker is a huge a-hole.

Please keep this in mind later when you are seeking advise at work.

p.s. if I didn’t make myself clear… the original guy is a stand up guy and the world could use more of him.

[the_diego]

If you see a child often enough, he or she becomes your child.

[astro]

@sahirrnee

Ok
I’ll answer now and I appreciate all your honest answers.
I hope anybody else answering doesn’t read ahead and answers honestly as well.

I thought it was very nice of him, didn’t give it a second thought, and had no problem with it being just the guys.

I told one of my co-worker friends and her response was that it was a nice thing to do, and then one of the men at work said, ‘you have to be kidding me, he’s only doing it to get in her (the widow’s) pants and next thing you know he’ll be cheating on you’.
That thought never occurred to me, so I started asking around the workplace. Almost every woman said it was a nice thing to do, every man except one said he was doing it to get into her pants. My friend asked her husband and his first response, he was trying to get into her pants. Several of the men told me I was naive and stupid to think he didn’t have an ulterior motive.
Well I trust him and think I know him well enough not to have worried, but it was interesting to me and so I thought I would ask here.
My opinion though, is that it said more about the men who thought he was trying to get into her pants than it says about men in general.

But maybe I really am that naive and stupid.

Not to doubt you but (as a man) I’m really having some real trouble believing that most of the (assumedly adult and some fathers) men in your office offered this as a serious first answer unless there was some way you were constructing the question for them that led them to that point. I can see men possibly giving this answer if the details of the way you asked the question were different ie “Do you think he’s trying to get in her pants, everyone else says he’s trying to get in her pants?”, but based on the straightforward setup question in your OP it doesn’t ring true… at all.

All due respect I don’t think we’re getting an accurate picture of the way the question was framed to them.

[even_sven]

@the_diego

If you see a child often enough, he or she becomes your child.

Oh my god! That’s it, next time I visit my neighbor I’m bringing a blindfold, lest I look too long and end up with their toddler.