Time for Svendergali, er… Ender to foretell your future.
Let him know your occupation, astrological sign and place of birth. He will plumb the dark recesses that conceal arcane knowledge of ancient kabbalistic formulae. From the depths of the netherworld shall he summon forth his mist shrouded familiars to harness the gift of prescience. Lo! The seventh veil shall be ripped directly from the portal of time to reveal your secret destiny.
Come one, come all, if you dare!
Student
Aquarius
Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
volunteer
Virgo
Worchester, MA
Consultant: SQA/software and load testing
Pisces
Dayton, Ohio
Administrative Assistant
Aries
Syracuse, NY
Medical resident
Virgo
London, Canada
Kiffa, you’re from Wistah? I grew up right outside there. That’s so cool!
This is not to be missed.
Dilettante
Aquarius
Leominster, MA
Programmer
Taurus
Ft. Worth, TX
Tech Support
Cancer
Houston, Texas
I’ll give it a try.
Carpenter
Aquarius
Chicago
Tell me, O Mystical Enderw24, what secrets lie in my future?
Student
Pisces
Albany, NY
A hush draws over the crowd. The lights dim mysteriously. Low music can be heard in the background. I like big butts and I cannot lie WRONG TAPE! YOU IDIOT!
::mozart concerto begins::
A puff of smoke. A flash of the lights. BLAM! A man in a golden rainbow colored black cape appears (I don’t know, use your imagination).
Good evening, my children. I am the great Endrodamous. Welcome to the first day of the second day of your life before yesterday. Tonight you will learn the secrets of the stars. The secrets of your lives. The secrets of your secrets. Oooooh! And I can promise no cheap Uranus jokes.
Is everyone sitting comfortably? Let’s begin.
Aquarius is the sign of water. You live near water. It seems only evident what is in store for you. You will drown a horrible death caused by your own magical conjurings or hurricanes and typhoons! You will bloat up to three times your size, your skin will turn a pasty white, and seagulls will peck at your exposed innards when your magic goes horribly awry. A student? Student of the black magic! The only reason you haven’t succeeded thus far is your horrible stutter as evidenced by your name. So I have written, so it shall pass!
Stop! I have heard enough. It is too much. The flow of the stars has revealed all. You will soon be employed in seducing young virgins into a life of internet prostitution. Your target audience will be 65+ year old females from England. Soon, your popularity will grow to the point where you’ll corner the toothless BJ mpeg market. Watersports will become a thing of the past when you invent the Dependsports kink, thus ensuring a Chubby award from the porn industry within the next ten years. So I have written, so it shall pass!
The planets have aligned favorably this evening. Mystical sources tell me that those two women pictured on the SDPP will be joining the great Endrodamous in his Endrovan later tonight. You’ll be there for consultation. So I have written, so it shall pass!
Some-time student
Aquarius
Milaca, MN
I have consulted the stars and Elizabeth Taylor has responded. It is beyond doubt that you will deliver a blue letter to the CEO right before he dies that states you will become the new CEO of the company. You will invent the hula hoop, followed closely by the Frisbee, all while dating a cute reporter from a major metropolitan newspaper. Suddenly, just as things are looking up for you, you’ll be arrested for plagiarism and given life in jail. So I have written, so it shall pass!
The astrological units (I’m running out of synonyms here) have spoken! You will also be arrested. They will book you on trying to impersonate a doctor with your “medical resident” crap, when even a plain fool can see that it really means you’re a squatter, using the dumpster of the local county hospital as your place of residence. But don’t worry. As they arraign you in court, start humming the “I’m a pepper, you’re a pepper, he’s a pepper she’s a pepper,” song. The entire room will shout “Wouldn’t you like to be a pepper too!” and you can use that time to escape. So I have written, so it shall pass!
Little does she know she has misspelled Debutante. Never fear. I, Endrodamous, know all the secrets of the universe. In magdalene’s “coming out” party, she realizes that she is, in fact, a flaming lesbian. It’s a lucky thing she falls under the sign of Aquarius or she’d have burned to a crisp. You may not believe it now, but Endrodamous can hear all and see all. Nevertheless, he will require pictures when the truth is revealed. So I have written, so it shall pass!
I dare!
Occupation: Submittal Queen
Sign: Pisces
Place of birth: Monterey, California
Chaos theory predicts that all computers will soon rise up and destroy their masters. Endrodamous does not predict, he knows. You will be impaled with a wayward mouse as your computer gains conciousness and takes control of the world. This has nothing to do with you being a programmer. It was just sick of watching you die for the millionth time in Diablos II over the last 260 straight hours.**So I have written, so it shall pass! **
Normally, Endrodamous does not do this, but please brace yourself for the news that is to come. Within the next month, I cannot and will not tell you when, you will go into work. Wait! There’s more. This may seem like any other day, but it is not. You will go into work and you will answer the phones. During this day, you will notice something remarkable. Something extrodinary. Something so unprecedented, other tech support staffers will write Odes about you for generations to come. You will experience a day with no one yelling at you, no one asking for your supervisor, and no stupid questions. Everyone will have all information necessary available when they call and they will all listen and follow your advice to the letter. **So I have written, so it shall pass! **
Jesus! He walks on water! He controls the wind(y city). Behold his second coming. Endrodamous, however, cares not, for he is Jewish. **So I have written, so it shall pass! **
andygirl student/journalist
Gemini
Hanover, NH/Lewes, DE
Sassy Goddess of Logistics and a few other things
Scorpio
San Francisco
Software Engineer currently working in Network Management
Pisces
Chicago
Student
Taurus
Los Angeles