Your Instant Deal-Breakers For Dating

[BlinkingDuck]

Mannnn…you guys are harsh!

I am married, but when I was dating I didn’t have much preset criteria for eliminating women. I liked, even craved, women who where different from me. Therefore, I didn’t have many hurdles I thought - however the few I did seemed to trip up most of the women I dated:

• Any negativity on the first date(s). A person should be trying to put forth their best image…and I don’t want to be around someone that shows negativity on the first date(s)

• Didn’t dress up for the date. I’m not talking really high end here…but I have sisters/female friends and I KNOW they dress up for guys they like. As another poster said…sweat pants?..either you really don’t care what I think of you or you are an uncouth slob.

• Little/no enthusiasm for…anything. I hated dating lumps even if she was cute. I remember once dropping off a woman back at home early because I was bored shitless…and she was fine to look at

• Any hint of needing rescuing. I tried to slay enough dragons when I was younger and stupider. My dragon slaying sword is hanging above the fireplace for good. If you need rescuing, I am not your man.

• As dates progressed if they were not heading into a more sexual dimension. We are not in high school anymore, nor even in college. If you want someone to hang with, hang with your friends. I interpret lack/low sexuality as lack of interest. If you seem interested and have no/low sexuality…I assume you are screwed up.

[Cat_Whisperer]

@Vernon_Vernons

Bad cell phone etiquette. I was on a first date with a girl whose phone started ringing while we were strolling along and she immediately answered it and started talking when we were mid-sentence - no apology, no caveat, no explanation, just immediately opened it and began talking to the other person. I walked away and left her ass standing there.

I’m enjoying this mental picture vicariously through you. That is all kinds of awesome.

@BlinkingDuck

<snip>

• Little/no enthusiasm for…anything. I hated dating lumps even if she was cute. I remember once dropping off a woman back at home early because I was bored shitless…and she was fine to look at :)<snip>

YES! I don’t really care what you’re interested in, as long as you’re interested in some things. Well, I care somewhat; if you’re interested something that makes us incompatible, it would have been a problem. That’s one of the things that attracted me to my husband - he has tons of enthusiastic interests.

Regarding the roommate issue, can we agree that if you live someplace where it’s so expensive that roommates are the norm, people in your dating pool who also live there will know that, and people who don’t live someplace that expensive will also know that?

[Martini_Enfield]

@lezlers

Can you please point to the post that said “living on your own means you’re a loser”? That was never said.

Whilst no-one said that exact thing, I was employing humorous hyperbole to illustrate a point, namely that if someone wasn’t prepared to date someone who lived alone (for whatever reason) and also wasn’t prepared to date someone living with other people, then they’d be going without dates for a while.

It was an observation on the contradictory nature of these sorts of threads, in other words.

[lezlers]

@Martini_Enfield

Whilst no-one said that exact thing, I was employing humorous hyperbole to illustrate a point, namely that if someone wasn’t prepared to date someone who lived alone (for whatever reason) and also wasn’t prepared to date someone living with other people, then they’d be going without dates for a while.

It was an observation on the contradictory nature of these sorts of threads, in other words.

That would be cute and everything if anyone at any point in this entire thread even hinted that they weren’t prepared to date someone who lived alone. However, not one poster has expressed such an opinion.

[Martini_Enfield]

@lezlers

That would be cute and everything if anyone at any point in this entire thread even hinted that they weren’t prepared to date someone who lived alone. However, not one poster has expressed such an opinion.

Sorry, I misread your post #30 where you said

I wonder if you’ve noticed that there have been quite a few responses to this thread that include “lives by himself.”

, which I took to mean “Living by themselves was a deal-breaker”.

FWIW, I have heard women express that opinion before- one of my friends was living on his own in his flat after splitting with his girlfriend some years back, and a mutual female friend said to me “Why is he living on his own like that? That’s sad” [in this context, “pathetic” or “undesirable”, as opposed to “Someone needs a hug”].

[lezlers]

That’s weird. I can’t imagine anyone thinking it was sad that someone was living on their own (sad in the way that you said.) My prior post was just mistyped. As usual.

[nashiitashii]

I haven’t been single for several years, but here are some things that I learned while in the dating pool:
[ul]
[li]Don’t be clingy: I need personal space/“me” time, and I don’t mind being single. This means that I don’t want to see you at my doorstep every single day unless I invite you to come over whenever. That’s not likely to happen for the first month or two if it happens at all.[/li][li]I’m really not attracted to people who are significantly fatter than me. Sorry, but it’s true-- physical attractiveness matters to me just as much as the other stuff. I’m not having sex with your brain.[/li][li]This also tends to go for people who are a bit anti-intellectual. I’m nerdy by nature, so I’d rather hang out with someone who shares a curiosity for the world.[/li][li]Please, no racism or overt bigotry. My friends, acquaintances and past romantic interests span more than just “people just like me”, so I’d like a little more openmindedness in my relationships. If you’re a bigot of some sort, you’re likely to not appreciate some of my friends. [/li][li]If we’re friends first and I see you in a relationship context, I want to see that you’re treating the other person well. If we’re in an open relationship, don’t get jealous; if we’re in a closed relationship, don’t date/have sex with other people.[/li][/ul]

[Mrs_Johnson]

It’s been a few years since I’ve been single… but here are some of mine.

~The obvious things like poor hygiene, overweight/unhealthy, drugs, history of abusive behavior, rude to service people.

~Smoking.
~Drunkeness. I have no problem with people who want to have a couple beers or glasses of wine but I refuse to put up with drunkeness. (Mr J doesn’t drink at all and neither do I so we’re in good shape.)
~Bisexuality… I’m not sharing my relationship.
~If a guy admitted that he had hit a previous girlfriend.
~Children. I don’t want any.
~Lots of tattoos and/or piercings. I prefer none but a few would be acceptable.
~A rich guy who didn’t earn it himself. It could be just me… but I don’t have much respect for a young rich guy living off mom & dad’s money and flaunting it. However, if he used mom & dad’s money wisely, got an education, then earned his own wealth… that’s different and respectable.
~Like the OP’s #3… if someone is in denial about a mental problem then it would be a deal breaker. I’ve got my own issues to deal with and I try not to let them affect my relationship.

[Ruken]

Vagina dentata

[MeanOldLady]

You know, I’ve refrained from criticizing people’s lists because to each his own, but I find some of this to be plain ridiculous.

@Mrs_Johnson

~Drunkeness.

Ever? Are you miserable at bars and parties?

~Bisexuality… I’m not sharing my relationship.

Bisexual =/= sharing your relationship.

~A rich guy who didn’t earn it himself.

While it may be a much better story to create wealth from poverty, people can’t help being born rich.

[Maiira]

-I agree with “no treating service people like shit.” That, to me, is a pretty good indicator of how you’re gonna be treating me later on.

-Most obvious ones: no racism, sexism, homophobia, etc.

-No dudes who don’t appreciate intellectual pursuits (like reading, having intelligent discussions, etc.) or culture (like ethnic food, etc.). If you don’t partake of these things but are willing to TRY them, with an open mind, fine. Overt disdain or scorn? Goodbye.

-No short guys who are sensitive about their height. I don’t care if you’re shorter than me, but if you’re whining about our height difference and forbidding me from wearing high heels EVER, it gets tiring very quickly.

I’m sure I’ll think of more later, but those are the four that I can think of now.

[Hazle_Weatherfield]

If your place smells of an indoor pet or your bathroom is nasty, we’re not happening.

[Bricker]

@Maiira

No dudes who don’t appreciate intellectual pursuits (like reading, having intelligent discussions, etc.) or culture (like ethnic food, etc.). If you don’t partake of these things but are willing to TRY them, with an open mind, fine. Overt disdain or scorn? Goodbye.

I had to chuckle at this. Your example of “culture” was ethinic food; I dated a woman who mentioned to me early on that her previous relationships had never been interested in culture. She mentioned interests in museums and opera as examples of the culture she sought.

Well, that sounded great to me, as an avid museum-goer and (then) recent acquirer of season tickets to the Baltimore opera. And she was excited about the chance to see Rigoletto, and said she had a good time afterwards.

But the next opera up, in three weeks, was met by a bit of reluctance in setting a time. And she fianlly said something like, “Yeah, as it turns out, I’m not that into museums and opera.” We dated for about six months after that, doing things like a Suzy Boguss concert and a beer tasting event as our "culture"events, which she enjoyed much more than our trip to the Winslow Homer exhibit at the National Gallery.

Ah, well. It all worked out for the best. I ended up finding Mrs. Bricker, who likes opera.

[Nava]

@Really_Not_All_That_Bright

Do you bring calipers along on your dates?

No need, I bring my eyes. If the guy wobbles, he’s out (I don’t wobble).

[EvilTOJ]

I do a lot of internet dating, so this applies a lot for me; not knowing proper grammar and sentence structure. We all make typos, but when ur typing lik this k? no. You’re not some illiterate 13 year old, use a spell check at least!

Excessive profanity. I can swear like a sailor with Tourette’s, but fuckin sayin every fuckin thing like you’re fuckin trying to fuckin be Andrew Dice fuckin Clay gets fuckin really fuckin old after a fuckin while.

Ddrama llamas. My ex wife is attracted to drama, and I can see the signs of when people have just had some bad luck vs creating their own whirlwinds of instability.

Does any drugs other than pot. Mushrooms and E are negotiable, as long as it’s every so often or at parties. Meth, coke and other synthetics, buh bye! Even then, there was one girl I hung out with for awhile, and all she talked about was pot for three hours. Three. Hours. I’m glad it was informal, because I was so bored by the end of the night I was glad to go home.

Can’t drive. Notice I didn’t say Doesn’t drive, but can’t drive. My last girlfriend had her license, but no car. She got in a wreck and couldn’t afford a new one, so she just rode mass transit. Now, if she’d lost it due to DUIs or suspended that’d be a different matter.

Along with that, proud to be on public assistance. Yes, I have met a few who loved stickin it to The Man by not working. Yea thanks, so I’m paying for this date in more than one way!

Scientologist or Mormon. Actually any fervent religious belief means we’re not gonna get along. Going to church and being spiritual isn’t a deal breaker though, it just means while she’s at church I’m sleepin’ in!

And yes, being a prude. Now, I’m a gentleman and don’t expect sex on the first date (although that is very nice). However I’m quite adventurous sexually and if it’s going to be once a week missionary with the lights off that’s going to get boring real quick.
Wow, lots of people don’t like dating people with kids. Maybe that’s one reason why I’m having trouble getting dates. My two kids live with me now, but they’re 15 and 12(almost 13!) so they’re not babies or younglings, thank god. I’m also male.

[HazelNutCoffee]

@MeanOldLady

Ever? Are you miserable at bars and parties?

I actually think that a guy who doesn’t get drunk at least once in a while would be a dealbreaker for me. I don’t mean that he has to go out and actively seek to get plastered, but sometimes you’re out with a bunch of friends and someone starts buying shots and next thing you know everyone’s linking arms and singing Bohemian Rhapsody at the top of their lungs (except for the few that are sleeping under the table). I don’t think I could date a guy that wouldn’t enjoy being a part of that.

Or maybe I just hang out with the wrong type of people.

[DianaG]

I feel the same way. I like to occasionally get my drunk on, and I wouldn’t want to date anyone who didn’t want to participate in that.

[Really_Not_All_That_Bright]

On the other hand, there’s something to be said for having a permanent DD.

[Zeriel]

@Ruken

Vagina dentata

Thanks, now I’m going to have “Hakuna Matata” stuck in my head with slightly altered lyrics all day.

Vagina dentata, what a wonderful phrase…it means no worries…

[Incubus]

I have one major one, but that major one, I’ve found, is tied to many, many other sub-dealbreakers.

Fugly

Fuckin’ ugly, fell out of the ugly tree and hit every ugly branch on the way down, landed in an ugly cowpie and got pissed on by an ugly dog afterward ugly.

Shallow? It used to be my concern. Then I started to really pay attention to what these people were like that made them so physically unattractive to me. And I found that you can most definitely judge a book by its cover when the cover says “200 pages of boring tripe”. When I looked beneath the surface, I found many, many other faults that directly contributed to their appearance:

-Overweight
-Lack of motivation, hence no desire to address their weight
-Insecure, which encourages them to look plain/not stand out
-Boring, lives in a bubble, scared to try new things (particularly food)
-Naive/dull, because they balk at new experiences, so where they were at 18 is where they are at 28

With internet dating, you put your best foot forward much of the time. Hpyothetically, you spell check and edit your profile, describe yourself in a way that is both generous but still truthful, and submit a photograph(s) that is flattering to your appearance. With some women, this really overstates who they really are, and I have been surprised to find just how many frumpy, chunky, boring women I’ve met online.