Your laws of sandwiches?

In My Humble Opinion
61

Being a vegetarian, sandwiches generally conform to one of three types:

  • Peanut Butter & Something Sweet and Sticky
  • Grilled Cheese (of some variety) Perhaps With Extras
  • Multiple Veggies, Grilled or Raw

General rules: some type of whole grain bread, be it whole wheat, cracked wheat, seven grain, rye, oat bread or whatever. No white flour bread shall ever defile my body! Also, all condiments are acceptable, but a horseradish sauce, tziziki, Cucumber or Ranch dressing are always preferable to Miracle Whip which is always preferable to mayonnaise. When pressed for a moisture adding condiment, never forget that fruit sauces and certain jams can be good in unusual circumstances.

Peanut butter can be paired with jam, jelly, marmalade or honey, so long as none of the above are grape flavored or made from currants. Homemade is best. If honey is used, it must be mixed with the peanut butter before the concoction is spread on the bread. Toasting is optional. Prebuttering is only acceptable at breakfast time, in which case peanut butter and sticky substance are placed on both pieces of bread and the “sandwich” is eaten open faced.

Grilled cheese sandwiches can be made with any variety of cheese which is generally sandwich-appropriate. (No feta, bleu, gorgonzola or faux cheese product.) Depending on mood, sandwiches can be made with butter or olive oil. Also depending on mood, certain additions can be made to the sandwich including (but not limited to) tomato, roasted red pepper, hearty slices of red onion or a Yves meat-analogue product.

Veggie sandwiches rather speak for themselves, however, no light green lettuces or alfalfa sprouts are permitted, nor are pickles to be included by any means. No grilled vegetables should be cut to such small dimensions that they might squish out of the far end of the sandwich during initial biting.

Now I’m hungry!

62

Hot dogs - mustard, chili, cheese (shredded of course), chopped onion.

Burgers with cheese it must with mustard and onions , no cheese it must be mayo and onions only.

Sandwich, well it depends. I like my banana sandwiches with miracle whip, salt and pepper on white bread (what ???)

Bologna or ham, mustard or mayo (never both) and cheese.

Tuna, mayo, chopped boiled eggs, chopped onions and relish. Served on toast.

63

Peanut butter: Fresh white bread, smooth PB, grape J.

Ham: Cheese, lettuce, onions, mayo, white bread. I’m told by the woman who works at the deli I frequent that this is unusual because most people who avoid mustard also avoid onions.

Salami: To be perfect, it must feature ham, cheese, lettuce, onions, mayo, mustard, herbed oil and French bread, and be accompanied by a drink and served by one of the indifferent waitresses at my favorite pub.

Turkey: Swiss cheese, lettuce, mayo, white bread if a croissant isn’t available.

Chicken salad: The exception to my white-bread rule. Must have mushrooms and sprouts if they’re handy.

Hot dogs: Usually plain, but occasionally with cheese if I’m having them out and with Creole mustard if I’m having them at home.

Hamburgers: Cheese, mayo, lettuce onion. Will not turn down a burger with ketchup, but won’t eat one involving tomatoes.

64

Mustard on hot dogs and sandwiches, ketchup on burgers.

65

One of the best sandwiches ever in the history of sandwiches is Day-After-Thanksgiving cold turkey meat on whole wheat bread with only salt and pepper to taste.
Mmmmm…now that’s a sammich.
Anyway, my main sandwich rule is:

Cheese must always be on top of the meat. Nothing shall come between the cheese and the meat EVER, for any reason whatsoever. Let mayo or a stray piece of lettuce get in there between the two and the sandwich is ruined, just RUINED, I tell you!

66

Ketchup is for scrambled eggs and French fries only. No sammies.

Steelwolf, welcome to SDMB – especially with your impeccable tastes. I am also a havarti cheese and lemon-basil mayo fan – just not together. I have to special order the mayo. Great with fried egg sandwiches.

If not a flavored mayonnaise, the mayo must be Kraft and applied in thick waves to the bread.

The exception is PB&J. Take whatever form of peanut butter and jelly or jam you use, but add a portion of mayo almost as large. Blend completely. Please just try it once.

Pickles on the side.

No cheese with shellfish. Instead, mix a little mayo with the shrimp before applying to bread.

Hamburgers and cheeseburgers must be greasy.

67

Mustard does not belong on sandwiches. It’s a condiment for hot dogs, bratwursts and hamburgers only.

The best sandwiches consists of turkey, cheese (Swiss or American), dill pickle slices and fresh crisp iceberg lettuce. With Miracle Whip evenly coated both pieces of bread. Not that foul mayo stuff.

Peanut butter should be the creamy type and it should be eaten on fresh white bread with honey.

68

My sandwiches are often unruly, but always sloppy. Ingredients should, preferably, try to escape their fate and cower on the plate, from which they can be scooped up with fingers. A case in point in the Indian Point Sangwich, named after a lovely place in Georgetown, Maine where you have to use what you have because the supermarket is more than a half hour away, and worse, off the island:

Poppyseed bulkie rolls

Ham

Turkey

Swiss Cheese

Spicy hommus

Bruschetta (topping)

and (if you have it) squeeze-bottle mayo with bacon bits…

You take the bottom part of the bulkie, and spread hommus on it – rather thickly, I’d say. Then the cheese on top of that. Then the ham and the turkey, but scrunched up a bit, not flat. Then pile some bruschetta on top of that, using a fork rather than a spoon. And if you have it and you want it, an honorary smear of the mayo on the top roll – but that’s so optional it’s not even funny.

You want to eat this rather quickly, before it gets away or soaks the bread too much – but it’s quite a sublime mess, I’m telling you.

Another sangwich without boundaries is a homemade steak and cheese for which you saute thinly-sliced red onions, then put in the shaved steak, and toward the end, shredded “Mexican” cheese and a few pickled jalapeno slices for emphasis. It’s traditional to use a sub roll, of course, but I think it’s even better jammed into a poppyseed bulkie. This, too, is a sandwich that falls apart when you try to eat it.

I agree that ketchup on hot dogs isn’t tasty – but I do feel that mayo can go almost anywhere.

69

I was recently initiated into the beauty of the vietnamese bahn mi. This is a sammich like no other…ok like lots of others but much much better.

For starters I get them at Ba Le, a French-Vietnamese bakery/food shop so the baguettes are warm, crispy and delicious. So you start with the fresh wartm baguette, add some lettuce, some mint leaves, some pickled daikon. Add some tasty Chinese roast pork or some shrimp or some Thai sausage or…you get the picture, they make dozens of types, they are amazing!

I may have to go take a drive down there in a minute:)

70

Peanut butter and chocolate chips on white Wonder bread type bread=OHMIGOD GOOD!!!

71
  1. Always use crappy white Wonder Bread
  2. NEVER Miracle Whip
  3. On ham or beef, mayo on one side, French’s mustard on the other, cheese, lettuce, tomato and onion.
  4. On hot dogs, NEVER ketchup, ALWAYS mustard. Onions, kraut, chili, cheddar or any combo.
  5. Cheeseburger: mayo, L, T, O. Maybe ketchup and mustard.
  6. Grape jelly if I feel like bothering. Usually I just have PB and a BIG glass of milk.

Another good sandwich is mustard, cheese, pickles and ungodly amounts of black pepper (heatburn city!)

72

  1. Thou shalt not eat squishy Wonder Bread: its texture is an abomination unto the sammich gods.

  2. Thine peanut butter sammiches shall be made with crunchy wheat toast, while the toast is still warm, the better to slightly melt the peanut butter.

  3. Thou shalt put mayo on turkey or chicken sandwiches only; otherwise thou shalt use only mustard.

  4. Thou shalt not use sliced processed cheese (unless thou art eating with someone under ten years of age.) The sammich gods have provided thee with a thousand varieties of cheese: make use of their bounty.

  5. It is written that the ham longeth for the cheese, and the cheese for the ham, so thou shalt always consume them in a sammich together.

  6. While iceberg lettuce maketh a bland salad, its crunchy texture maketh a dandy sammich topping.

  7. Thou mayest eat jalepeno peppers upon thine hamburgers, but not upon thine hot dogs or thine hero sammiches. For these things a milder pepper is meet and proper.

  8. Thou shalt never, ever put ketchup on thine hot dog.

  9. Verily, tuna is the work of the devil, and shall not pass the lips of the righteous.

  10. The one true club sandwich is made with turkey, not chicken, and containeth no cheese.

73

Clearly, the received opinion of the orthodox. As a member of the Reform Sandwich Temple, I am bound by no such restrictions. :stuck_out_tongue:

74

Rules for tomatos

-Tomatos should never go next to cheese. They should lay directly against the bread, or the mayo.

-Salt and pepper always goes on the tomato, never anywhere else.

-If the sandwich is hot, the tomato should never be heated with the sandwich. Always put the tomato on after heating. This goes for grilled cheese, as well.

Rules for hot dogs
Dressing up a hot dog is like putting lipstick on a pig, but there are some ways that they can be made to taste pretty good.

-Always use dogs in natural casing. Skinless weiners are for amateurs.

-Consider trying dogs with cole slaw and swiss cheese. I hear its the way the Johnny Rebs eat them, but this Yankee boy thinks they’re pretty good.

-A hot dog at the baseball game or the friday night football game is the best hot dog on earth. These must be steamed to be appreciated.

Addendum
For those of you who think a grilled cheese must be made with American cheese, try a grilled bacon and swiss (no other condiments) with a chocolate milkshake.

For those of you from other countries who don’t know what American cheese is, its about what you’d expect an american version of cheese would be. It’s that orange crap on a McDonalds hamburger.

75

**1. Sandwich may not harm a Human Being or, through inaction, allow a Human Being to come to harm.

  1. A Sandwich must obey a Human Being, except where this interferes with the First Law.

  2. A Sandwich must protect its own existence, except where that interferes with the first Two Laws.

**

76

tomaters, gotta have tomaters.

Oh, and cheese. Monterrey jack, gorgonzola or colby are good choices, 12 seconds in the micro if possible. Being a vegetarian I don’t put on much else, maybe cukes or lettuce if I have them. But I live on cheese and tomato sandwiches in the summer. Yummy!

77

NO BUTTER!!

Butter on toast, otherwise plain, is fantastic.
But adding PB, jam, meat, lettuce, or anything after putting butter on bread is revolting.

78

Well now, I see there is a whole lot of rules being thown around with no rules about the rules being thrown around. So let us just go with the simple bits here:

The OP is about the laws of sandwiches, not about other forms of eating that have their own rules ie: Hamburgers, hot dogs etc. even though the Idle Thoughts brought them up. We are talking about a sandwich, something that has it’s own laws here. Talking about sandwiches and hamburgers is about the same as talking about a seahorse and Jesus. Now please understand that while Idle Thoughts has a good idea about talking about the laws, you do not bring a hamburger into a sandwich discussion without Jesus, some extra sandwich making materials and an Uzi.

Now breaking out the good ole dictionary we have: Sandwich: Two slices of bread with meat, cheese or other filling between the slices. Well that is not much of a sandwich as far as I am concerned, so let us just chuck the dictionary out.

So let us just agree that 2-3 (Or if you are Dagwood 8) slices of bread are necessary, what is put between the bread consists of the “Sandwich”.

Anything put on a long roll can be considered a “Sub” “Hogie” or “Hero”.

Anything involving a Hamburger patty should be put on a “Hamburger Bun”, same goes with the Hot Dog.

After that we are down to two different types of Sandwiches: Those which are involving peanut butter & Jelly and those involving meat and other stuff. Those sickos out there who would put peanut butter with meat can leave the room.

The Peanut Butter Sandwich: This comes from everybodys childhood, and then when they get older they learn to make them. This leads to a whole lot of testing, one of the first things learned is that cutting the crusts of is just a big pain in the ass and it deforms the sandwich “Shape”. As we have noted before Knighted Vorpal Sword has devised the super-duper PBJ sandwich, he does not make fun of the crunchy or not crunchy side, or the grape or super fancy “Other Fruit” jelly. He just makes one big ole sloppy sandwich, as an opinion I think PBJ’s are only really good if a piece of jelly, or marmalade happens to fall off of the sandwich and lands on to your Battle Star Galatica shirt. That one little bit of Jelly just falling off of whatever type of PBJ makes the sandwich. We will not even bring up the marshmallow “Fluff” that can be added to a sandwich because there is not enough computing power in the world that can process that debate.

The Meat/Veggie Sandwich: I think that the key to this type of sandwich it the “Crunchy Factor”, the combo of meat and veggies is a very tough thing to do, but you need the good “Crunch” to get a good sandwich. Now as to the whole mayo/mustard/horseradish debate it really decides on what the base of the sandwich consists. Any type of Beef should have some sort of horseradish on it when you start to swing down towards pork you move onto mustard, and when you get down to the “Light” sandwich meats (Chicken, Turkey, Tuna) you go on down to Mayo, or in a pinch you can add some virgin olive oil with some spices.

Needless to say that the Bread is one of the most important factors of a good sandwich, shall it be rye, wheat, white or whatever it should never be Wonder.

79

Sorry to nudge this thread, but CalMeacham made me break out in laughter at work. Oops. :slight_smile:

FISH

80

Briminator,

Ah, meta-rules for sandwiches! Now I’d never thought of that! What a wonderful idea! And a compeltely new area of research! I was getting stale.

There must be an Incompleteness Theorem here somewhere.