Hot dogs: bun wrapped in wet paper towel and microwaved for 10 seconds to steam. Hot dog, kosher beef of course, is immediately put into the bun, hopefully with some hot dog juice, but not enough that the bun gets soggy, just a light steam so your finger prints stay put. White onions, finely diced, one thin strip of ketchup, one long strip of Kraft American singles and back in the microwave for 15 seconds. Once out, crush 6 potato chips and place on top of cheese and eat before chips get soggy.
I recall reading that salsa recently overtook ketchup as the most-consumed condiment in the U.S., which I find a small testament to the continued diversification of a once truly dull palate. (See The Gallery of Regrettable Food for a litany of horrifying recipes using mostly ground beef, ketchup, canned beans, and jello. Not always together.) I myself never make an omelette, for example, without tossing in some salsa. Don’t know about sandwiches, though.
At the risk of introducing a heresy into this otherwise very serious discussion, I must mention that I’ve found a perfectly acceptable alternative to tuna-and-mayo for those of us trying to shave a bit of fat from our diet. When I mix up a bowl of tuna for sandwiches or whatever (which isn’t very often, out of consideration for my wife, as the merest whiff of what I consider a delectable aroma causes her to attempt to vomit up her skull), instead of mayo, I use plain (as in unflavored) yogurt. I add a bit of mustard and relish for depth, but I find I don’t miss the mayo at all.
Breads: Potato, Rye, Wheat, Kasier rolls, and croissants are the best breads.
Meats: Roast beef (thin sliced), ham, turkey breast (sliced), meatloaf
Cheese: Only white cheeses: provolone, havarti, swiss
Condiments: Stone-ground mustard/horseradish mix, lemon-basil mayo, Bordeaux ketchup only on meatloaf (I make all these myself)
Other: Lettuce and tomato are NOT PERMITTED on roast beef.
Best sandwiches:
Roast beef and havarti on rye with horseradish mustard.
Turkey breast and provolone on a croissant with avocado and bacon.
Bacon, lettuce, tomato on a croissant with lemon-basil mayo.
Ham and swiss on toasted wheat with nothing else.
Cutting: Never cut a croissant twice, only once (horizontally). Anything else may be cut diagonally, or not
I put mushrooms on all my sandwiches, except PB&J.
Hmmm…PB&J&M…I’ll have to try that…
In a recent study, it was discovered that either of the two major brands of zippered sandwich bag provides ample protection against wetness.
I think the brave tester will be forever recalled with a tone of majestic awe whenever a thread involving sandwiches is started.
MY GOD THIS IS BRILLIANT! I enjoy Tuna, but find Mayo and Miracle Whip to be vile, nasty substances, that shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near my mouth. I was using mustard with my Tuna, but the yogurt works much better. Thank you ** Cervaise **.
Also, I always make Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches using the cheap white bread, and generic peanut butter. This is not due to taste, but cheapness on my part.
Bread…must have substance. No thin wimpy white doughy crap.
Mayo…never the abomination that is Miracle Whip.
Plochmann’s Stoneground Mustard w/ Horseradish…never plain yellow goo (except maybe on a regular ol’ hotdog, never on a Polish)
Never under any circumstances will I eat ketchup on a hotdog.
Steelwolf has it right, and is obviously a person of impeccable taste. I gotta try the lemon-basil mayo, sounds delicious!
Cheeseburgers-if it’s a grill order, I INSIST that the cheese NOT be cooked on the burger while it’s being grilled. It MUST be added AFTER. That way, it doesn’t get all greasy, and the cold cheese and hot burger-yum.
Sandwiches are sandwiches.
Salads are salads.
And ne’er the twain shall meet.
With chicken/turkey/pastrami, mustard only. No mayo, no Miracle Whip and no butter. It’s too fatty for my tastes.
Peanut butter must be Jif smooth. Strawberry or raspberry jam. Fritos in the middle if available.
Tuna should have plain mayo, diced celery, diced sweet pickles and a dash of sweet pickle juice.
For you basic ham or turkey sandwich, all ingredients must be placed in the proper order:
(from the top down for easier visualization)
bread
mayo (mustard if an odd numbered day)
lettuce
pickle (if available)
tomato
cheese
meat
mayo
bread
Placing items out of order will disrupt sandwich harmony.
One of my pet peeves is when you order a Hero sandwich, they just lay all the shit down into the sliced long roll and then, when I try to push it together and eat it, all kinds of things are falling all over the place.
The sandwich not only needs to taste good but, it needs to be condusive to a pleasurable eating experience.
I shall now pass on the beloved perfect BLT.
You shall fry no less than four slices of thick cut peppered bacon and place them in a STAR configuration on a slice of freshly toasted white bread spread generously with miracle whip. To make the vital star configuration you place one slice vertically, one slice horizontally and two slices at the diagonals. In this way you will have NO slippage of bacon when you take a bite from any area of the sandwich. On the bacon you then place two slices of homegrown tomato. Store bought tomato is NEVER an acceptable substitute. Lightly salt and pepper the tomato. Cap off the sandwich with a singe leaf of good lettuce and the slice of toast. Eat.
Unless you are eating the sandwich immediately, you should never put the tomato directly next to the cheese. The wetness and acidity of the tomato will break down the cheese, and you will be left with a dairy paste in your sandwich. You might as well just get the Cheez Wiz at that point. There should always be at least one layer of something solid (meat or lettuce for example) between the tomato and the cheese or bread. (please refer to lokij’s BLT recipe above)
Anyone heard of Quiznos? - Um Toasty Good Sandwiches.
Different rules for different sandwiches.
The two I’m about to make are boneless pork loin chops, grilled, lightly brushed with tarragon mustard.
The bread is a heavy cracked wheat. There will be mayo on each slice because the chops will be perfectly cooked – seared on the outside, cooked through but still full of juice – and the mayo helps preserve the bread.
A sprinkle or two of cayene pepper on each slice. Looks very fine against the mayo (Hellman’s, of course).
On the bottom half of each sandwich, I will place shaved spanish onion over the sprinkled cayenne.
Then I will lay the chops themselves on the shaved onion, and make a pass over each with the pepper grinder.
A couple of leaves of fresh spinach on top of each chop, then the top slice of bread. Done, except for the joy of eating them.
I will not cut these sandwiches. I will glory in their requiring both of my hands.
A glass of milk, my sandwiches, a book propped on the table before me. It’s time.
where’s Giraffe?
tuna
mayo
ranch dressing
bacon bits
grated provolone cheese
diced onions
drain tuna, place in bowl, break up well, add provolone, mayo ranch dressing, blend, add bacon bits and onions, blend, cover toasted bread, enjoy.
He might still be a bit leery of sandwich related threads.
And the angels sang three times unto the people of the World, and they SAID:
-
Thou shalt never, ever mix ketchup and sauerkraut, for Such a Thing is to cavort in the fields of the Enemy and cause disruption in the order of Things;
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Thy sammich must Above all contain things of good texture and crunch: and these things may be considered Peanut Butter with Crunchy bits when such a condiment is deemed Holy; chips of pickle, either sweet or sour; thin slices of onion, just so; or failing any of these, a Sufficient Quantity of leaf lettuce from Deep Enough in the head wherein one may find the crunchy greeny white parts and not the blacky-greeny bits that droop and sag. Thou shalt never adorn thy Sammich with abominations of a sperm-shaped variety, SUCH AS sprouts; and thou shalt never use items with a rubbery feel such as mushrooms; and yet thy judgement and discretion is sufficient that thou mayest add condiments without restriction; and
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Thou mayest in thine own wisdom deem it necessary to mix turkey and chicken when Meat is scarce; thou mayest indeed mix turkey and ham, or chicken and ham; but on no condition shalt thou mix Roast Beef with anything other than itself. AND shalt the meat or peanut butter sufficiently cover the margins of the bread, unto the very edge, that there be no partaking of unflavored bread in the household of the mighty.
FISH
P.S. I might also introduce at this time the famous Rheingold’s First Law Of Mustard, to wit: no matter how much you try to shake the water out of the mustard squirt bottle and into the sink, you will always blort a huge lake of it on your sandwich.