Your Monkey, My Sheet, Outside Now! (Brumdope aftermath)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

My version…

Well, yes, so there I was waking up on Saturday morning with the Hangover from Hell…
Finally got my arse down to Euston, had a sit down and a ciggy and then the charming Garius turned up.
I think it actually took me a little less than a mintue to scare him… hurrah!

Train journey… evil evil EVIL woman sitting opposite me, my GOD, how is it possible to make so much noise eating sandwiches… ick! Garius and I played eye-spy via text message… T for ‘Total and Utter F*cking Boredom’.

Arrived in Brummieland. Met Sir Doris in the station bar. Had a pint… amazed Sit Doris and Garius with my increadible finger dancing… got cab to hotel, met Frannie, Alex and Steve Wright. Hotel blokey fantasies were fueled when it was pointed out to him that Sir Doris and I were sharing a room.
Brainfizz’s fantasies where never to be realised, as Garius has them change his room from a double to a twin… ya missed out there mate! (however the long delay with the two of you this mornign was oddly suspicious!) :stuck_out_tongue:

Got bus into town, found The Old Join Stock pub… jolly impressive collumns and stuff. Met up with the Tansu, CasDave, Kferr, Angua, Brainfizz, and Ianzin turned up shortly. Sat down and begain the drinking in eanest…

Soneone decided it would be a good idea to have some food… so we ended up with two ickle bowls of chips amoung 12! heh.
Chips demolised the drinking resumes.

Amoung the menagerie was Rocky the Penguin, Ducky the Duck, Phillip and Gideon (is that right Frannie?) the Small Sheep.
Needless to say Rocky and Ducky we soon involved in all sorts of amusing postures. - And later on in the evening so was Angua and myself… photos were taken of this… :wink: Bwhahahahaaa!
(Big Rar! to Frannie who managed to get the blokey in the camera shop to charge Ianzins battery for him, which enabled the entertaining pictures to be taken)

Another pub was then needed, so we wandered down to the O. V. T. where more blackmail worthy pictures were taken, and the Doperghirls WHOOOPED the Doperbhoys arses on the quiz machine. thankyouverymuchindeed!
On the way a chocolate monkey was aquired by Ianzin, which was, of course, smashed to pieces by me! Hurrah!

Curry was then had, and the offlicence was hit, then back to the pub, where large amounts of the Precious Things of the offlicence were dropped on the floor! People were bitten and bouncing around was done.

Then back to the hotel to drink what was left, and apparently throw more on thr floor. Excellent.
Bed was eventaully required.

This morning we had coffee on a barge (Birmingham has 22 more miles of canal than Venice - thank you Steve). And more beer was drunk.

It was then time to go home, so I braved the EVIL CROWDS and finally managed to get back to Sunny Barnet.
Angua, 10 minutes, my arse!

And there you go.
So, a few choice quotes…

Steve Wright - No Daddy! Please! Not the elephant gun!

Garius (to Tir`) - That’s the best ever ‘Piss Off’ I’ve heard from a woman.

Steve Wright - Mine is smaller than everyone elses, but at least it works.

**Tir** - Lines and lines and lines and lines and lines and... (someone points at Tirs pint) oooooooh!

CasDave - Have you heard of a catheter? Actually we have buckets Up North.

Bus Driver - You dont want to get this bus or the one behind it, you want the one behind it.

Tir` - You can spank the moneky if you like, I’m smashing the f*cking thing!

Tansu - oooooh! They haven’t finished Birmingham yet!

Garius - This is where old shops come to die.

Ianzin - Sh*t! We’ve peaked. At 6 bloody pm! I’m not fixated with wombs, but…

Tir` (to Ianzin) - I’m so gonna smash your monkey!

Angua - Your Monkey, My Sheets, Outside, Right now!

Tir` (In response to a question on quiz machine about the weight of testicles) - I don’t bloody know! I don;t have a set of sodding scales in my mouth!

Garius - It’s not that I understand women, I dont, but at least I can do what I’m told.

Tir` (to Angua) - Interesting choice of underwear.

**Tir** - I have blue and green! blue and green and blue and green and blue and gre... (someone points at Tirs pint) oooooh!

Conversation on Barge - Is it really a good idea to get Angua on here, I mean, think about the accoustics…

Steve - As long as the dont tell me about it, they can drizzle what they like on it.

Tir` - Ooooh, I’ve managed to put my pants on wrong…

Sir Doris - I’m gonna have to sniff the Thai Jelly, does anyone mind?

Sir Doris - Feel the Thai Jelly, it’s sort of stiff and pert…

(appologies for any miss quotes… my writing got kinda strange by the evening, I think my hand was tired or something… :wink: )

I also took along a sketch pad, and had everyone draw a piccy at the beginning of the day, and those who were left had another go at the end of the night. I shall be scanning these shortly!

You all ROCK! Thank you all very much for putting up with me and looking after me, there will be much beer at the next Londope for you all!

So - How was it for you?

2

Still trying to assemble the phantasmagorical images of the past two days into some sort of coherent whole … but some salient details do emerge …

Birmingham is full of large concrete buildings of questionable aesthetics, with the occasional pile of Victorian Municipal Gothic, the type of Gothic that makes Attila’s hordes rise angrily from their graves and point out that they are Goths and not Vandals.

Birmingham has the smallest, poxiest cathedral I’ve ever seen. But it has huge, palatial, neo-classical pubs.

I could see that bloke’s brain overheating when he thought Tir and Sir Doris were a couple.

Sir Doris noticed I’ve lost weight. She’s nice. I would do anything for Sir Doris, even give her the shirt off my back.

Met people new to me; brainfizz is one of those quietly funny people the Dope seems to do so well; garius is one of those less quietly funny people the Dope also seems to do so well; Angua is not quiet at all, but she’s a lovely lady, and sometimes she’s the right way up.

Others previously known to me continue to be excellent people, including Fran, who continues to be sweet, caring and organized, ianzin, who continues to be charming, charismatic, and more talented than any three people should be allowed to be, and, of course, our recording angel, the one with the wide fanged grin and the stentorian cry of “BEER!”

Ianzin is very good at catching the bar staff’s eye. His first method, involving a sudden burst of flame, was highly successful; the second method, involving suddenly dropping two dozen bottles of Heineken, could, I think, with profit have been thought through in more detail.

The new svelte streamlined Tansu is even more svelte and streamlined than I am. (Memo to self: must try harder.)

Casdave knows all there is to be known about a) criminal rehabilitation, and b) curry. kferr was very up-front and honest about his bald spot, even though, since it’s on top of his head, nobody will ever be able to see it.

The meeting in the curry house was typical of Dopers; loud discussions of who’s going out with who, who’s making money doing what, and when the Catholic Emancipation Act was passed.

Although there were unseemly disputes about the “boys vs. girls” quiz machine, we may report progress on the other one; for the first time ever, a bunch of British Dopers successfully extracted money from a pub quiz machine! Only a pound, and we put it straight back in, but I feel it’s a harbinger of greater things to come.

What Tir did to that monkey shouldn’t have been done to a dog. In fact, if she’d done it to a dog, it would have been very messy. But the monkey was delicious.

Sir Doris and I are evidently identical twins separated at birth (by gender, a few hundred miles, and a few years). We have identical views on the merits of first-year computing students, and both thought the same thing about the Thai Jelly. (And if it was used for that purpose, it would sting really quite a lot).

Oh, and although Angua’s estimate of how long it would take to reach the station led certain uncouth and ill-bred persons to send messages saying things like “Ten minutes my ****ing ****” and “Who are you, Linford *****ing Christie?”, she got me to the station at just exactly the right moment to step onto the train for Oxford. So there.

3

My version…

Got to the Old Joint Stock, wandered around aimlessly until Kferr and casdave phoned me, and pointed out htat they were stod right in front of me. Apparantly I looked too normal to frequent a message board! Thanks casdave!

Sat in pub, met up with everyone else that Tir’s already mentioned and got drunk. Some dodgy pictures of myself and Tir were taken. Ducky the Duck also got involved in some rather interesting antics with Rocky the Penguin. Best not mention them in a thread without “TMI” in the title :slight_smile:

Then, we decided to go to another pub, except we couldn’t find where to catch the bus to go to our pub of choice. So, we got on another bus, and went to a pub, the OVT, near the curry house. So, we sat in the next pub, pitted our wits against two different quiz machines. Thoroughly thrashed the DoperBoys in the battle of the sexes quiz machine (despite their protestations to the contrary), and went for a curry. Bumped into colleagues of mine on the way to the curry. Og only knows what they must be thinking now. :wink:

During the curry, some people hit the off licsence, to fuel later shenangans, and then back to the pub. At the pub, we fed more money to the electronic quiz god, and being the official UK maths and science geek (according to Ianzin), I redefined the time it takes for the Earth to complete one revolution around the Sun. In the Anguaverse (thanks Garuis!), it takes one day for the Earth to complete one revolutions around the Sun.
Then back to the hotel for more fun, drinking, and laughter.

This morning - I missed coffee on the barge - it may well have been a good thing :), and then food and more beer!

Then, I attempted to work, but got bored, and came home!

Oh, and Brindley Place to new Street Station is ten minutes if the Victoria Swuare entrance is open, which it wasn’t. :looks around slightly sheepishly:

4

Pictures, people. Pictures, for God’s sake! :slight_smile:

5

Oh, Tansu, Ducky’s pining for Rocky. She still wants a nest…

6

I think most of the highlights have been covered - smashed monkeys, smashed beers, titties & beer, knickers on parade, etc. My personal highlight was walking down the street with Tir on one arm and Fran on the other, am I a lucky sod or what?

But I think that the Brum bus system is now being run by the Iraqi Information Minister - “This bus will take you to the pub… No that bus will take you there… No, it was really the bus behind that bus…”

7

Ten thirty-ish Saturday morning meet Tir at Euston station and am caught completely off guard:

  1. She’s drop dead gorgeous – had not been expecting that. Cue the pavlovian pangs of fear/envy/panic/hatred I automatically get in the company of beautiful people.

  2. She’s a feckin’ Vampire.

Now the first one I guess I couldn’t reasonably have expected anyone to warn me about – I can understand that one slipping by, but the second…

…I mean come on.

not one of you even vaguely hinted at it – not even a “you are meeting Tir? Better wear a roll-neck!”

Cheers guys.

Anyway, moment of shock over, we go get the train. Unfortunately the way the seat reservations work out means that she is in coach B and I’m in D. As a result the journey is deathly dull and I have to spend the whole two hour journey listening to the two guys opposite talk about mortgages (did you know that first-time buyers are at their lowest levels for 60 years?). Ah well, I was at least able to draw some consolation from the fact that Tir was having to put up with the screaming child/noisy eater combo. I think it was so bad she was starting to hallucinate, at least that’s the only explanation I can think of for one text message she sent me:

“ooh did you see the blue dinosaur???”

At Birmingham New Street we meet up with Sir Doris for a well earned pint. Fortified by this dutch courage the 3 of us brave a Brummie Cab and head to the hotel.

There our 3 doubles to six with the addition of Frannie, Alex and Steve Wright.

After booking in (Steve’s face was a picture when hotel-guy said that he didn’t have a reservation) and then re-booking in (sorry, there was no way I was going to share a double bed with Brainfizz – not on a first date anyway) we brave the brummie buses and make it to the pub – despite Alex’s best attempts to lead us into “Britains Biggest Matalan.”

The others are already in the pub and we are shortly joined by Brainfizz who introduces himself with a Stanley – Livingstone style “The Dopers I presume.”

Drinking and fun ensues – occasionally punctuated by Angua’s dulcet tones. :wink:

At one point the bank refuses to give me any cash for absolutely no reason at all (bastards), but luckily Ianzin is on hand and prevents me from having to stop drinking (phew). Thus officially making Ianzin my God.

We move on and drink more. Ianzin does magic tricks thus confirming to my alcohol addled brain that he definitely is God because he is performing miracles. I dismiss the possibility that he is merely Moses as stupid because he doesn’t have a staff.

Angua’s choice of Indian restaurant proves impeccable - the food is great.

After more drinkin’ and laffin’ in the pub we head back to the hotel, on route - in a true moment of drunken twatedness - i decide i know Birmingham better than our cab driver. Luckily he still manages to get us there safely :smack:

We drink more before eventually going to bed (via security since i have “misplaced” mine and Brainzin’s room key).

The next day, surprisingly hang-over free, we all end up on a boat cafe thingy and i find the room key - it was in my back pocket. :rolleyes:

after a quick drink in all-bar-one i leave the guys and head down to the station - confident that Angua was telling the truth when she said it was “only ten minutes away”.

She wasn’t.

After running faster than Chris Akubusi i just manage to make my train.

THE END.

Oh yeah, And the dopeghirl quiz winning thing is a myth.

Honest.
DISCLAIMER: I’m not suggesting that any of the dopeghirls lacked gorgeousity. All dopeghirls present were gorgeous. Tir was just the gorgeousest. Don’t hurt me. Please.

8

ooooh ooooh ooooh!!!

FIRE!!!

I forgot the FIRE!!!

naughty Kat!

AND Ianzin let me play with it… even after attempting to strip him to find out what he did with those damn cards! :wink:

AND I got to pull the nail out of his nose again… I can’t tell you how happy that makes me! Simple things!

Garius you are so sweet… I R all embarrassed now!
I didn’t realise you didn’t know about the teeth… I forget I have them! heh!

Steve, I just had to go look up stentorian, I think you underexaggerated a bit there… :wink:
Cheers for the piccies! Pleased to see I’m not in too many of them! I put them up tomorrow… have of course just been down the pub again, and now I am feeling remarkably tired!

RAR!
So, whens the next one, I’m getting withdrawl already!

:smiley:

9

Sorry. It is normally, but they’d closed the sodding convenient exit. Honest. Ask Steve.

Yeah? You think? Name a time and place for a rematch then, and we’ll have independent witnesses, two teams with equal numbers on them - not six Doperghuys versus three (rather inebriated) ** Doperghirls** :wink:

We won’t hurt you. Honest. Why would we do something like that. Its not like you made me spill my beer all over me in an atempt to stop me from getting to the right answer on the quiz machine, unlike someone else, who’s name I won’t mention coughIanzin*cough, or ripped the scar on my knee open again so that it started bleeding profusely again in the middle of the pub… :wink:

10

yes, she is the gorgeousest :slight_smile:

11

oooooh, you just earned yourself one Hell of a weekend, mate!
heeeee!

:smiley:

12

'Ullo. I’m still in Birmingham. Had a marvellous time. Phillip and Guillaume are well although tired.

spits on Ianzin’s knee

I ripped the sheets, man.

Kferr is a lovely man.

More tomorrow.

13

Remind this ripping the sheets thing again… I can only half remember what it was about? and it kinda helps to know for the Your Monkey, My Sheets, thing…

:s

14

Oh, there will be. Look out for Angua and Tir.

We missed you, by the way. You would’ve enjoyed this fest. I drank a pint of shandy in your honour.

15

I honestly can’t remember. It was on the 63 bus though. I think Tansu had something to do with it, I know I did, and I think Ianzin might have as well. Apart from that, I can’t remember.

Oh, and Fran, weren’t you spitting on my knee?

And on preview - Fran, are there photos of anybody else? :wink:

16

Angua there are lots of photos, Steve just sent me a load. I’ll put them up tomorrow…

It seems it was someone else camera that got the incriminating ones though… unless Steve is just keeping them for himself! :smiley:

17

To “Rip The Sheets” is a phrase that ianzin suggested as a truly multipurpose idiom.
“Rip the sheets” vs “Smash the monkey” = “Your sheet, my monkey, outside, NOW.” Or “Your monkey, my sheet, outside, NOW.”

Sorry I wussed out on you all. I feel really bad about that.

18

Aah, yes, I remember that now. As in “It was a sheet ripping time”, could mean, well, anything… :wink:

Don’t worry. It happens to us all at times. Besides, you were fantastic for the rest of the day :slight_smile:

19

Angua, I did indeed spit on your knee (and didn’t it help? You stopped bleeding, after all ;)). But later, Ian asked if, at the next dopefest, I would spit on his knee. I am doing so in advance.

On the bus, Ianzin told us about a friend of his who once quite innocently said “I ripped my sheet” and how he and his friends spotted the potential for a good euphamistic phrase and wanted to popularise it. “I so ripped my sheets”, “My sheets were totally ripped, man” “There was a whole lot of sheet-ripping going on”. We’re carrying on his mission.

Magic fire!

20

We just wanted you to get the full effect of meeting Tir for the first time. It’s an experience everyone should go through. And I did describe her as a “blonde bombshell” in the other thread. It’s not my fault y’all focused on the “blonde” part.

Speaking of which: I was at Baker Street station again today and noticed someone had covered all the bollards outside with yellow dots. Immediately, I thought of Tir and her yellow dot fetish…