" I did something really wicked last night. Do you know want to know what I did? "
Um yeah, I guess, it sound like you did something worth talking about please tell me.
" Well. I ate a whole chocolate eclair to myself and drunk not one but two glasses of red wine, aren’t I really bad? "
WHAT? No, get the fuck outta here you boring asshole. You had a fucking meal, you are not the prince/of fucking darkness. Next time you come in here and presume to tell me an exciting hedonistic story about partaking of a meal you had better of eaten a baby’s arm or something. Now FUCK OFF! I am about to eat a mint and I don’t want you to see it in case you have a heart attack or something due to the excitement.
I hate this. Ladies are the main culprits but men can be guilty of it too. Sometimes a guy will give you a nudge or whatever and a sneaky wink when talking about having a fucking beer.
They get all conspiratorial and say stuff like - " Yeah, so the wife was shopping and I nipped out and had a quick beer, just the one mind, I am not an alcholoic or anything. "
Hmmmn, yeah! your a fucking geezer mate, always duckin-an-a-divin you are. I better watch myself around you or you’ll whisk me off to a pub to have an evil brew whilst all the time talking about how bad it is to be doing this.
Fuck off man, it’s just lager, men have been drinking it for a long ass time. Can’t we just drink it and speak about something topical without you shifting in your chair all shady geezer like and analysing what we are doing as we are doing it? Do you always speak about drinking beer when drinking beer?
I have a mate who does this, people will be having a good time and he will throw into the conversation such gems as " Hey! we’re having a great time are’n’t we?"
??? Ah yes lets, instead of having a good time by doing whatever we are doing just STOP! and analyse the fact that we are doing something fun and having fun doing it. Won’t that kill the spirit of the whole thing?
Ok so now I have branched off a little and I am now pitting -
- People who analyse situations as they are happening and report their findings to the group. People who instead of having a good time by doing the thing that is good, analyse everything about it till they ruin it for themselves and others.
When people are in the moment and enjoying themselves they don’t want the action to freeze frame while an ‘expert’ comes in with the 1/2 time report to discuss why it is that we are having a good time. These people basically get nostalgic about something as it is fucking happening in the present time.
2)Men and women who add bells and whistles to the most normal functions of daily life. Women who giggle devilishly to each other because they ate some fucking ice-cream ( I mean it’s not as if that’s what it’s supposed to be used for is it?). There is nothing I repeat nothing deliciously decadent and delightfully evil about eating a fucking bar of chocolate.
And most of the time the amounts of food consumed are piddly amounts. If you have two glasses why don’t you finish the fucking bottle, I do and you don’t hear me bragging about it like I am a fucking stunt-man risk taking evil double hard bastard do you? Idiots, fucking conversation stocking-filler spouting twats.
Get the fuck over it, the pair of you.
I apologise for extra long sentences and poor punctuation/spelling etc. so don’t arse me about with that shit.
