Once upon a time we have a happy couple, let’s call them Dick and Jane. They dated for several years. Ended up getting married. Both are attractive, intelligent people. They are decently happy. Insert child or not. Time goes along, the usual mundane life of marriage sets in. One part of the happy couple starts playing around on the computer, a lot. Seems like all their spare time is spent on the computer. Little known to the other one, they are playing around with the opposite sex. Just flirting, carrying on, some sexual flirting, some feelings may start to get involved. Little known to the computer mate, the other mate starts to feel lonely, uncared for, ignored. The tangled web starts. Unknown to the computer mate, the other mate begins paying attention to what is going on with the computer deal. Reading emails, etc. and discovers what is going on. Hurt feelings, jealousy, trust issue, you know the story. They confront their mate. Mate assures them that it’s just a computer thing and harmless. Not so to the mate not involved in computer flirting. So an ultimatum is given; either no computer…or no mate. Is this fair or unfair?
I read this thread three times before I decided to take a swing at it, and I’ll probably regret it.
The kicker is “the other mate start to fell lonely, uncared for, ignored.” I’m taking it that the computer mate is spending so much time on their cyber relationship that their real relationship falls by the wayside. Presumably the computer mate is finding something in the computer that is lacking in real life. Computer mate had better get this sorted out in real life or the real relationship will fall apart completely. Computer mate ought to get of the computer and start talking to the REAL mate.
My .02
Fair.
galen :::hitting nail on the head:::
Fair. There’s more to a relationship than the physical so, even though computer mate may not actually be doing anything physical with cyber-partners, there’s still a compromise on the emotional level. If the real life relationship is suffering, then maybe it’s time for computer mate to sit down and think hard about what’s really important here.
The only caveat I’d put here is that, if other mate is starting to feel really unloved because of computer mate’s cybertime, maybe other mate could have brought it up earlier, sat computer mate down and talked; maybe this could have been headed off at the pass before an ultimatum got issued; ultimatums can be dangerous. That’s a big maybe, though, and mileage will certainly vary between different incarnations of Dick and Jane.
(being contrary now)
On continued reflection, I would suspect that things had stagnated between computer mate and other mate before the computer had become the symbol of the problems in the relationship.
And
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…maybe other mate could have brought it up earlier, sat computer mate down and talked; maybe this could have been headed off at the pass before an ultimatum got issued; ultimatums can be dangerous. That’s a big maybe, though, and mileage will certainly vary between different incarnations of Dick and Jane.
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Guess what I’m saying is that Dick and Jane have some pretty basic problems in their marriage, well beyond the cover (for both) of computer mate’s cyber affairs.
What now? Don’t ask me - I can point out options, look for underlying problems, but I don’t like to give advice. People always do what they were going to do anyway.
Also, don’t ask me about this %$%^)(*&ing coding!
This is why I’m 40 and never married.
What bliss…
Ultimatums can be frightening things. It’s like playing Russian Roullette with a bullet in every other chamber!
“No computer or no mate”.
Not a completely fair thing, in my mind.
But, I do believe that this couple needs to sort out what’s missing between them.
Obviously computer-mate is seeking something not in the relationship and lonely-mate is concerned.
For the relationship to work, there’s got to be a compromise of some sort. Granted, one party may have to “give” 99%.
Being the devil’s advocate here, what if computer-mate introduced the partner to cyber-flirting. Might open up their relationship on a new level.
Ultimatums are kind of dangerous I’ve heard lots of old mates get the marry me or else from their GFs and most of them walked away from it.
Course being single and always been single and never being with anybody I would take the computer instead.
In my opinion, the wrong “ultimatum” is being given (that is, if there is such a thing as a good/correct ultimatum).
It’s not about a choice between spouse and computer/internet. If anything, it should be “either we get help to fix/work on our relationship, or I’m out of here”.
I also think GrizzRich has two good points right here:
Could work. Although in my case it didn’t. In fact it led to me meeting someone else online. But that’s just me 
In answer to the OP, I think it’s fair. It may be just a computer thing and harmless right now, but it is easy for that line between a bit of fun and serious to be crossed.
It’s not just a computer thing and it’s not harmless.
I say Fair. Computer-flirting mate needs to give up either computer or mate. Or it will not get any better from here. There is no compromise, no “sharing” of computer mate and real mate once the line has been crossed. And no going back…
There is no way to have both, and be happy in the long run.
And I have made my decision.
As with most things in life, fairness is not the point. Non-computer mate is threatened by the behavior of computer mate and has said so.
This is a wonderful opportunity for both to discover some things about themselves if they are willing to explore their feelings a bit. It will not help to have everyone go into a panic about fidelity (either in the relationship itself or among advisors here on the board).
Most mature relationships suffer some version of this scenario, and it can be the catalyst for tremendous growth if you can find a way to talk about it with each other openly. If there is too much hurt and distrust flying around already it would be worthwhile to have a facilitator.
A lot of folks find it too dangerous to acknowledge how they’re really feeling about each other until their behaviors bring it to a head. Don’t shrink from the chance to come clean with each other.
But set the ultimatum aside, for goodness sake.
I’d see the ultimatum as Will We Work Together To Fix the Relationship or Is It Over? I wouldn’t issue an ultimatum of computer or me because I could end up with a situation of resentful mate plus the problems that may have begun the siutation of partner looking outside the relationship to have intimacy needs met in the first place.
In the long run I don’t view emotional infidelity as a healthy thing for my relationship whether it happens in cyberspace or meatspace. If my partner began looking for emotional intimacy and stops sharing emotional intimacy with me, I’d view that as a huge red flag.
IMHO, ultimatums are a last resort. I think D & J need to talk about, and come to grips with what it is in their relationship that it was necessary for one to establish a computer relationship.
Hopefully, after some heart to hearts, with some 3rd party intervention if necessary, it will be:
See Dick and Jane rekindle their fire.
My best to Dick and Jane.
Really, a relationship, even in marriage, is not a unit (a monad for you Liebniz fans). These are two seperate individuals who need to react to situations as they see fit.
That, however, doesn’t stop me from making a judgement about those decisions. My verdict? Unfair, and in the most literal sense of the word. Jane, who is doing the computer thing for the sake of argument (not outlined in the OP), was never presented with the rulebook, so to speak. It is as if, suddenly, in the middle of a game of chess, your opponent says, “Hey, you can’t move your bishop vertically. Give it up or quit the game.” Well, it is a little late now, isn’t it?
So, not fair. The playing field was not presented. True, true, Jane (in the OP, and going off my unwarranted assumption) also was not playing fair by stating that she was doing such a thing, but the premise for that is likely to be, “Hey, its just flirting.” Flirting I also have no problem with. I also don’t have a problem with online relationships.
i do have a problem with an ultimatum out of nowhere. That is, very honestly, not fair play.
But can Jane’s IRL other do it anyway? Of course. I just don’t think it is fair.
I see the development of the computer relationship as a byproduct or symptom of the stagnation of the marriage. Computer mate probably IS innocent in that s/he doesn’t feel that s/he has betrayed his/her mate. (Dammit, these pronouns are getting annoying. Let’s say CM = computer mate and OM = other mate.) Now, if CM feels that CM needed to hide any activity from OM, that would indicate that things had gone a little too far. But I don’t think anything productive in terms of improving the marriage will happen until both mates get beyond the point where they are assigning blame.
When people are being blamed and accused, they will be defensive, perhaps counter-attacking, and the result is verbal battling rather than open communication and cooperation.
But the question in the OP is, is the ultimatum fair? I think completely eliminating computer use would be like punishment of the CM by the OM and, again, means that the OM blames the CM for the problems (perhaps unconsciously). However, it might be a good idea for CM to voluntarily limit computer activities and work on relationship and communication issues. Both mates should talk about trust issues and how they might be more involved in each other’s lives.
Re-reading my post I have to apologize for the pop psychology and the amateur marriage counseling. It’s just my opinion. My best wishes for Dick and Jane.
Well, not exactly unfair, but not the right way of going about things.
You are addressing the sympton, not the problem. The computer is not the problem. It’s either computer-person or, more likely, D&J’s relationship.