That’s arguably what Louisiana has with their “Covenant Marriage.”
And that is definitely an “arguably.”
The latest date for which I can find statistics is 2001 - and only 1% of the marrying Louisianans seem to be going for that.
The people who are judging those who get divorced aren’t going to know the intimate details of her marriage. Most of them aren’t even going to know the major plot points.
I took a class on “the psychosocial dimensions of health” and our text had compiled several large studies showing that being married has a positive impact on your health. However, people who are divorced have poorer mental and physical health than those who were never married.
Whether marriage has some intrinsic value or is just a social relict is irrelevant - it has a real impact on the mental, physical, and (I’ve heard) financial health of those involved.
Did the same study show anything regarding the impact of an unhappy marriage on a person’s health? I find it hard to believe that being constantly unhappy, but married, is healthier for a person than being divorced, yet overall happier.
In my opinion, the girlfriend is going to be happier in the long run. This asshole is doing her a favor. Obviously he’s not happy, and divorce is right for him. It will be right for her as well…eventually.
Thanks for the belly laugh. I am too!
I have a suspicion that divorce as a topic of conversation and debate is alot like “the proper way to raise kids”. It’s so easy to sit back and say, X and Y, Z and Q, until you are faced with it.
Marriages disintergrate in many ways: some fade away over time until the spouses wake up one day and find themselves next to strangers. Some literally blow up–a precipitating event occurs (usually hindsight shows that something insidious was at work long before the break up), some are like corporate spinoffs and even takeovers.
I see your point, and I also struggle with trust–even now. But, forgive me, but it seems to me that your mother compounded the pain to an enormous degree and the hurt of that manipulation did more lasting damage. Of course, I could just be talking out my a**–only you know for sure. Divorce is a tool and IMO, it is the way it is used or processed that leaves the lasting imprint.
I see kids of divorced parents who aren’t into drugs or promiscuity, who aren’t depressed and seeing therapists, who know that Mom and Dad both love them. I also see kids with both parents together that are miserable and tired of being a captive audience to their parent’s private hell. How many young adults (in their 20’s) roll their eyes and say, “I’m bracing myself for the holidays again this year” similiar? My longwided point is that there is NO guarantee that staying together will be better for all concerned.
Does divorce hurt? Yes. Would it be better that it doesn’t occur? Of course–but again, like Kalhoun so wisely said–you play the hand your dealt, or words to that effect.
Thank you, stonebow and kalhoun for saying succinctly what I was trying to say.
Re the studies about married folks being healthier than divorced. I have no idea how to search for this, but I do remember a study a few years back (early '90’s?) that said that the longest living people tend to be single women. In the study, it was found that marriage improved a man’s health, but did not improve a woman’s.
I will try to find it–my internet research skills are at a Google a Word level, so I hope I can find it.
The trouble I’m seeing with these studies pretty much inherent with the subject they’re studying. They are compared intact nuclear families with divorced families. That creates flaws right away.
From the first article:
Basically, they’re saying that the only time the intact families’ children had the same problems as the divorced families’ children is when the intact family was having** “intense continuing marital dissatisfaction and conflict.”** Okay, so they’re telling us that generally the only time the children of intact families had it as bad as the children of divorced families was when the intact families were having major problems. Pardon me but this is where I have to offer the study a big big, “well duh.”
To take it from the top, they’ve shown that “intense continuing marital dissatisfaction and conflict" causes problems for children. Good, I think everyone agrees on that point.
The part they seemed to have overlooked is that “intense continuing marital dissatisfaction and conflict" [ICMDAC from here on out] is also the major cause of… wait for it… divorce.
If there’s some major issue here I’m ignoring I hope someone will point it out, but what I’m seeing is that they’ve shown that the children of intact families with ICMDAC have problems and that the children of divorced families [who presumably got divorced because they had ICMDAC] have problems. Final conclusion, ICMDAC is bad for families.
Now, if someone would show me a study that compared marriages where there were ICMDAC to the point where the couple wanted a divorce but could not get one with families that had ICMDAC to the point of wanting a divorce and actually got one, then I’d have to concede that maybe the study was on to something.
Now I only scanned the cites so I might have missed it but I don’t think so.
“Men are luckier than women: they marry later and die younger.”
-H L Mencken
I was 32 when I got married, trust me, there wasn’t a line.
In the last 60 days, my husband and I have had a crash course in what marriage is. My recent Pit Post has relevant details. I was told by very many people to ditch him. I took my vows (by a priest, I’m an atheist) very seriously. My husband committed offenses that would/could/might justify a divorce.
Ain’t happenin’. He is stuck with me, he may not be able to be with me one day, but we are staying married.
We have been together 12 years and are recently dealing with a drug addiction (his) This is one more stumbling block, the thing is, we haven’t faltered. Never once in that 12 years has breaking up/divorcing been an option. We are committed to each other, through thick and thin.
I hope this never changes, and maybe crossing my fingers helps. But honestly, growing apart, to me, is a lousy excuse, that implies to me that at some point, one of you made a conscious decision to do so and that decision was stronger than your vow.
Abusive relationships are another issue entirely, then again, I can’t imagine that you could marry someone and not know they were abusive, but whatever, get the hell out.
Many abuser types hold off on demonstrating their capacity for abuse until after they’re secure that the relationship is solid. When I was in an abusive relationship, the mindfuck didn’t start until after there were commitments made.
Yes, there were cues that might have tipped me off ahead of time, but hindsight is 20/20. I know that I’m a lot warier of such behaviours now, because I’ve been tipped off.
Is that like the conscious decision to become a homosexual? I know that I am not the same person I was 24 years ago, when I got married. It wasn’t something I decided. People change, situations change, and sometimes, people who shouldn’t have married each other in the first place do it anyway.
Note: This addresses ethics, not law.
The Associate Rector at our church is married to the Rector, and it’s his second marriage. It was his turn to preach when the “What God hath joined together…” passage came up in the lectionary.
He started out by mentioning his earlier divorce, without going into the gory details. Then he said something that’s stuck with me as a really great way to look at the idea of marriage and divorce:
I thought that was very well put.
But it’s not entirerly true that there’s nothing you can do about it. this CDC study (WARNING! PDF - summary is near end of study) from 2002 looks at age of first marriage, education level, presence of unwanted births, and other factors in whether a marriage lasts or not. For instance, putting off the age of first marriage from before 18 to after 24 reduces your chances of getting divorced from 62% to 32% - nearly half.
TelMeI’mNotCrazy, I think my text is packed in a box right now, but IIRC the book didn’t compare happy vs unhappy marriages, just married (including happy and unhappy) vs divorced.
I think that making a divorce more difficult to obtain is like restricting access to abortions - too little way too late. Divorce is sad and abortion is sad, but sometimes it is the best resolution to the results of some very poor decisions.
I’d be more in favor of the state requiring counseling, waiting periods, etc before marriage than before divorce.
Have a read of this thread. No-one has posted there saying they regret getting a divorce, but many regret getting married in the first place.
The problem is not the high divorce rate, it’s the high unsuitable-marriage rate. Instead of making it harder to get out of a bad marriage we should be making it harder to get into one.
eleanor, I remember seeing similar info. No cite either, sorry.
Good simulpost, Askance.
Or perhaps making it easier financially, emotionally, and practically to disolve a union.
I plan to live until I am 100. If I get married to my SO now, that means I will be with him for seventy-five years.
Thats just too long. The guy I want hot sex with in my twenties may not be the guy I want to raise kids with in my thirties. The guy I raise kids with in my thirties may not be the guy I want to enjoy my “prime of life” with. And the guy I enjoy my prime of life with may suck to grow old with. Most people are pretty glad they arn’t with their highschool sweethearts. Why is it so very different with your ‘twenties sweetheart’ or your ‘thirties sweetheart’? People come to each other at different times, for different reasons, and with different results. And yet we keep pushing every relationship into a single mold. Why should marriage have to be suitable for life? Why not make a societal expectation that marriages with kids last at least until the kids reach majority, and come up with some good customs that allow grown kids to have parents in seperate households with ease (maybe Christmas can be a ‘with the mother’ holiday and Thanksgiving can be a ‘with the father’ one?
Some of the most fulfilling relationships form between people well in to their sixties. Why have a society that tries to prevent these?
At least I know I’m not pulling it out of my…oops, in GD.
I keep reading posts that say stuff like, “we are going thru hell, but we are going together.”
That’s great–seriously, more power to you both. And I hope you make it thru.
But that is not true of all couples–how could it be? If a marriage faces some kind of crisis, and one partner is emotionally absent or abusive or even physically absent, tears start to appear in the Cleaver fabric. If this is repeated often enough, the cloth become threadbare and friable. Soon, all it takes is one small catch and the fabric is torn beyond repair. It means that the deal so touted by so many here wasn’t struck equally by both partners–or one reneged and kept the other one clueless.
You all can have whatever opinions you care to about this. But you do not speak for me or for others in this situation, nor should you judge us. Someday, this might be you. You have no way of knowing differently now.