No pets of my own, but I can describe some friends’ pets.
Ex-girlfriend’s cat Monet: Eight-year-old boy, tussled blond hair, chewing on bubble gum. Slingshot in back pocket. Huge troublemaker. Is always the center of attention, much to the annoyance of others.
Ex-girlfriend’s cat Molson: Fifty-two-year-old woman. Short, fat, frumpy. Never married. Unstylish dark hair, horn-rimmed glasses. Wallflower. Has a habit of jumping onto a freshly made bed to wallow in the comfortableness of it.
Friend’s cat Seamus: Forty-five-year-old man. Big bushy beard, wild bushy hair, hairy back, arms, and knuckles. Going slightly grey. Socially retarded. Worries about everything. Scared of everyone.
Friend’s cat Chloe: Slut. Sixteen years old, blonde hair, dresses like Britney. Not shy about jumping on your lap to get a compliment. Owns a LOT of shoes.
Girlfriend’s dog Daisy: Sixty-year-old woman, short blonde hair. Too tall, too plump. Has no idea how to dress well. Clumsy as hell. Wadles when she walks and tends to run into furniture. Eager to please, because she craves attention ALL THE TIME. If she doesn’t get it, she’ll whine and beg. Incapable of passing by a coffee table without sweeping her arm across it and knocking the contents to the floor.
Neighbours kitten: 14 year old boy. Thinks he’s invincible but has near-misses on a daily basis. Enjoys sports and is starting to get interested in girls. Quite bright, very chatty, and always wants to know what you’re doing and why you’re doing it.
My cat Pudding: a pleasantly plump kept woman. Wanders around the house, not doing much, wrapped up in a kimono. Has eyes only for her keeper… follows from room to room, coyly trying to attract attention. Afraid of being left out in the cold… has been, several times in the past, just not by me.
Wonder Beagle: 70-ish man, wears Depends to deal with chronically leaky bladder due to complications of age, takes FOREVER in the bathroom due to same. Constantly underfoot - hangs around the kitchen, hobby room, and anywhere else his SO happens to be trying to get work done. A royal pain in the ass to shop, etc., with due to his insistence on examining items for sale, reading the fine print (made worse by his cataracts), and periodic stopping to stare off into space.
Old Lady Cat: 90 year old lady. Generally graceful and dignified, but becomes peevish and querulous when things aren’t going her way; a model of decorum as long as people defer to her wishes. Likely to outlive all of her family, friends and loved ones.
Other Cat: 50-ish woman living alone. Prone to consipiracy paranoia and tinfoil-hat tactics. Occasionally visits with elderly neighbor, who tolerates her weirdness in exchange for assistance with physically difficult tasks.
Kensington Rose (Standard Poodle): Lacrosse-playing junior high private school student. Everyone’s best friend, probably also a cheerleader. The kind that actually makes everyone feel good about themselves, not the clique sort.
Ripley (Springer Spaniel): Sidekick to above, the Etta Candy to Kensie’s Wonder Woman.
Clarence is a Big Dumb Ex-Jock. He’s really battered, with only one eye, but he’s really a big softy. He takes food from everybody’s plate, but he just wants to be everyone’s friend. Lotta is a woman in nher late 20s who’s been very repressed, but is beginning to come out of her shell.
Hestia is a punk teenager into Xtreme Sports, who tries to finagle everyone, Lotta and Clarence included, into playing Skateboard Tag and Ultimate Death Frisbee.
our late Midnight was a cantankerous Old Battleaxe, who took no guff from anyone and had seen it all.
Snowy my dog- a hyperactive 4 year old who needs to be the center of attention and constantly busy. Drags out all his toys and refuses to put them away when asked. Says “Look at me, watch me!” all day long. Fortunately sleeps through the night.
Horton’s a brat , maybe 7 years old, who’s smaller than the other kids, so he’s got an aggressive streak to make up for it. Likes to pick fights and play tricks on the bigger kids. But he’s still a Momma’s boy who comes home for hugs after school.
My Border Collie mix Jake is a 50 something blue collar worker, who’s willing to put in a hard day’s work as long as he gets to spend the evening in his recliner with total control of the TV remote. He probably likes to fish in his free time.
My mother insists Jake looks like Jack Nicholson… but I really have no idea why.
My parent’s Border Collie Maggie is an over excited college cheer-leader. She’s quite smart, but perfers to bounce around making a fuss over everything. She’s slightly OCD, with a very neat room and very messy social life. She wears her hair in pig tails, and is probably dating a lacrosse player since she has a complete obsession with lacrosse balls, and is more then slightly nervous if there’s not one within her line of sight at all times.
Casper- a very gay and charming middle aged man who has many female friends and wears a pink tie with a trendy suit. He says he is an artist or a writer, though in reality he likes to sit in the sun drinking coffee.
Milly, Casper’s older sister- In her youth was a high flying accountant or stockbroker, firm, ambitious and bossy…now she older she drinks a little too much and has become slightly flabby around the waistline.
Kitty: Sweet but stupid 21-year old girl. Very beautiful and very kind, but constantly puts her shoes on the wrong feet and misuses “their,” “there,” and “they’re.” Everyone loves her and does their best to shield her from the world and herself.
Mom’s cat: Angry and bitter middle-aged divorcee, with some sort of substance abuse problem. Gets drunk and tells you exactly what’s wrong with you, in alarming detail. Eventually starts crying and wondering why no one loves her. Has probably hate-fucked half her office.
Abby: An older woman who keeps to herself, but is a bit of a busybody. She has a very round physique. She will only eat cookies and drink tea
Hanna: An overweight, rather lazy, yet very lovable young woman. Is shy, except around her good friends. Has a sense of adventure and is very intelligent.
Isabel: A total princess. Sleeps on silk, is a very picky eater (and knows she will get something better if she holds out), and she loves everybody.
Manny: A troublemaker who pushes it as far as he can. Tottering on the brink between boyhood and the teenage years, but is very smart and learns fast. Thinks he can fly. Tends to bully others and has an insatiable appetite. Steals. Despite all, he is still a big mama’s boy.
I’ve actually dated the human version of Jimbo. I like him a whole lot better as a dog.
He wears jeans and sports jerseys because he doesn’t have much fashion sense and can’t be bothered spending time shopping. He’s a big goofy underachiever, 30 and underemployed, because his whole personality is based on trying to please the people around him. He cooks dinner and cleans your house and buys you stuff you don’t really want, and pouts if you don’t make a fuss over it anyway (but he NEVER complains about anything). He follows you around constantly, so he’s always ready if you need something, but also underfoot if you don’t. He appears to have no interests or personality beyond blind devotion to his loved ones. He fears nothing except being alone.
Daniel the Terrible: Hulking teenager with bully tendencies, but an unexpected sweet streak from time to time. Has total crush on me and stalks me from room to room. Vaccuum tendencies, as teenagers do.
Miss Minx: Timid girl who runs away all the time to hide, but also preens rather a bit. Will occasionally come out when presented with a completely inoffensive facade.
Chili Dog (the chihuahua) would be a short, muscled, blonde teenaged soccer player. Thinks he’s all that with both boys and girls. Good student, good friend, good sportsman, never gets laid.
So there you have it. Ariel is a sulky 15-yr old who listens to bad emo music and hides in her room most of the time.
Morgan, on the other hand, is a not-too-bright toddler with a sunny personality and a klutzy streak a mile wide. The kind of chatterbox kid that just Doesn’t. Ever. Shut. Up. EVER.
We made Miis for the cats. Yes, we’re THOSE cat owners.
Molly - a very strict soccer mom in her 40s - she used to be a real looker, but now she is a bit soft around the edges. She keeps her kids in a tight line, but she is secretly a dominatrix when she gets the chance.
Mijo - He is a buddist monk, gentle and kind, who has a Confucius quote for every issue you mention to him.
Gracie - Is a bumbling 13 year old girl, chubby but friendly, hordes candy she buys from the 7-11 under her pillow, thinking her mom doesn’t know. Cricket - a willowy teenager who gets excellent grades and appears to be the ideal child, as well as a vegetarian who is afraid to hurt a fly, except for beating up her younger siblings, which she manages to do when her parents aren’t looking, so they don’t believe the others when they try to tattle on her. Digby - an arrogant, good looking frat boy - out to have fun in life, likes to puff up his chest and make everyone think he is some big tough guy, and still needs someone to call his bluff and knock him down a few pegs. He pushes limits and gets away with everything he possibly can. Thinks he is invincible. If he were truly a human, I would suspect he would die driving drunk, thinking those things happen to other people, not him. Violet - a 30 year old woman who was never popular and still doesn’t really have any friends. She takes pride in her independence as a cover for her loneliness. She is surrounded by people but is too proud and too scared to let anyone in. But she is fascinated with babies and wants one of her own, just has no way to make it happen. Gonzo - a 6 year old boy, the kind who is always pestering his older brother “Whadda ya wanna do? I’m bored!” He goes at everything in life with gusto, and is afraid to go to sleep in case he misses something, but he still sucks his thumb and sleeps with his baby blanket as a security item and is not ashamed to hold hands with his mother or give her a hug in public.
Bernie (13-y/o border collie mutt) - and old lady who has a tough time getting up, and who heaves deep sighs. She’s not quite tired of living yet, but she seems to know…
Scruffy (deaf, age unknown poodle mix) - middle-aged hippie, clinging to the long hair, deaf from standing near too many amps at rock concerts, occasionally cantankerous, frequently bossy, defiantly possessive of her snacks.
Taz (3 y/o Bengal) - uppity young 'un who doesn’t understand the two old ladies he’s forced to live with. He wants to explore, wants to play, wants to experience it all, but all they do is lay around. Most of all, he wants OUT, but The Man is keeping him down (and indoors.)
Cleo (4 y/o tortie) - new arrival, not yet a member of the clan. Shy to the point of being standoffish. When she tries to venture forth, she’s not allowed to explore alone. She does NOT want to be friends with Taz, dammit.
