Excellent ideas ( as always ), Geobabe.
I wouldn’t call you antisocial at all !! Lots of Dopers blindfold other Dopers and lead them to a public restaurant before revealing themselves to them. Honest. 
My wife had a c-section, and there was no way she wanted visitors. I was not even welcome, which worked out well because I didn’t really want to be there. I was too busy sweating heavily outside the nursery, because for the first few hours the little dude was a little out of whack, and they had to keep pumping him up on sugar water. They took blood samples every ten minutes, drawn from his heel of all places, in no time his heel looked like hamburger. What a fine welcome to life I thought. But they must have known what they were about, because after a few hours he came around and now he is 23 and can pick me up and throw me across the room (I know, we got to rough-housing and he did, which brought about a second revelation, fifty year old men should not rough-house). I go with most of the posters here, call first, and respect the new momma’s wishes, which ever way she decides. Sending a few flowers is a good way to show you are thinking of her and the newborn, without being intrusive.
“You” was used as a collective pronoun, meaning all the relatives you mentioned. I was echoing your use of the word “you” in your subject line. Or do you not read your own posts? You asked for advice. Having once been in a very similar situation, I gave it.
Lighten up.
My husband invited the whole family over for dinner three days after I delivered WeePundit by c-section. It was one of the biggest fights ever. You were right to be cautious.
Ouch. I had that coming. I did use it as the collective “you”, and yet took your use of it as a criticism of myself alone. I’m sorry.
No harm done. We’re cool. 
Enjoy your new nephew.
If you want to make yourself really popular, offer to cook/clean for them when they are out of the hospital, or stay up nights to help change/ bring baby to mom for feeding (or bottlefeed, whichever).
agree with the it depends.
do bring snacks, fruit, favorite beverages that are breastfeeding safe, soup, etc. my wife really appreciated that stuff.
if the baby isn’t healthy then all bets are off. be ultra sensitive
If she’s still in the hospital, I’d say go, but don’t stay too long. After I got out of the hospital with Ivyboy, we dropped the suitcase off at the apartment and drove over to Ivylad’s parents for dinner.
It was the first grandchild and a fuss was made, and if I’d been thinking clearly I would have said no. But he was excited, they were excited, what was the big deal?
I see that although you and the wife have kids, your wife hasn’t actually given birth. (Doesn’t make you less parents, though, don’t get me wrong.) Your SIL has just been through a traumatic physical experience, and she has a helpless baby to take care of while she recovers from said traumatic physical experience.
She’s had major surgery, and she can’t recover as quickly as other people because she has other demands on her time. Give her a few days.
Hi. Wife and daughter got back. Already had shots of each of them holding Unnamed Baby Boy in arms. Adorable thing, he is.
I’ve been informed that New Mom has spefically requested that I bring a large amount of my homebaked banana bread with chocolate chips. I just baked last week ( thank god ) and so can oblige her. Apparently it’s an elixer that makes breast milk twice as nutritious.
I will go tomorrow morning, late morn. Stay a VERY short bit, hold my new nephew, not smooch him because he’s brand new and I’m a germ-laden adult who was just on the subways, and take my leave.
Did I mention yet how beautiful he was in his little blankie and stocking cap? No? Man, he’s beautiful !!!
Sorry to double-post, I wanted to respond to what Ivylass said.
New Mom’s mom is in from out of town, will stay for at least a week after she gets home from the hossable. New Dad is an old hand at being a New Dad, is a wonderful hubby and will be there. I live about 2 hours from them, and cannot be there to do much of anything, sadly. She has family there to help, thank goodness.
My role is to give them love and happiness over this, and leave before my presence becomes tiresome. I’m guessing 20 minutes , 30 at best. OTOH, if New Mom looks me in the eye and tells me to sit back down so we can visit a bit more, I ain’t gonna argue with her.
Who argues with a New Mom ???
I had a weird experience a few months ago:
I need to set this up first a bit. My landlords became new parents for the first time. They are lovely people. A happy young couple. He’s a young, bright Vietnamese guy who is always happy, friendly, and outgoing, and is newly sworn in as a police officer. She’s a cute, wholesome Aussie girl from a country town, and she flits about in summer dresses smiling at the whole world. They live in a pretty little white cottage. And now they have a healthy baby boy. They spend their free time planting roses in their pretty little front yard, and wishing cheerful good mornings to passers-by. It’s fairytale stuff. But…
… then there’s the evil, grumpy, unshaven, internet-addicted recent divorcee who lives in the back of the house (that’s me, folks!).
So…
They had told me when the baby was due, and around that time, I had to pay my rent. I looked out the window, and the car was still sitting there, so I assumed the kid hadn’t arrived yet. I go and knock on the door to pay my rent.
diiing dong
“Hi mate!”
“Hey Pete! Just here to pay my rent.”
“Ah yeah, cool. Hey, you want to come in and meet my son?”
“What the…? I saw the car in the driveway, and assumed your wife hadn’t had the baby yet!”
“Naaah. She had him this morning.”
At this point, I go into serious “WTF?” mode. My mum had my sister and I as straightforward vaginal births with no complications, but in those days they kept 'em in for a week. My sister had an (admittedly difficult-ish) time giving birth to my nephew a couple of years ago, and she was in for four days…
“Really?”
"Yeah, after four hours, they said we could go home if we liked. We saw no point in hanging around, so said, “Sure. Why not?”
I went into the house, and there was mother and child, both looking like they’d just been for a walk down to the shops that day, and nothing more strenuous than that. Mum was standing up, all bright and bubbly, and holding the baby who looked nothing like a red, blotchy newborn but rather like a smaller version of a slightly older baby (magazine cover material really).
But I felt weird. Here I was, with a house full of their relatives (more appearing at the front door every five minutes), and I felt quite awkward. They obviously didn’t feel awkward, but it was a bit weird for me. Personally, I’d like to give them a week alone, and then think about going to visit (a bit less for my own family of course, and then the second or third day either in hospital or home, maybe).
Hi, just a drive-by to say that I think you did the best possible thing, cartooniverse. That is: ask, and act upon what they told you. Congratulations to the cartoon family
After my c-section I was just grateful all the local family was in Brooklyn burying my grandmother. I never felt worse in my life! The only one other than hubby was my twin, who tells me to this day that I was a big friggin’ baby about having a baby. At any rate, I vote for “stay away as long as possible”.
…and asking, and asking. I got there around 9:00 am. I left at 12:05pm. I swear to you all, by 9:30-9:40 ( with a lot of your words ringing in my ears…er…eyes…) I told her I’d be going. She was really upset. " You didn’t even get to see him yet !! I need my pain meds ( yes. agony. Oxycontin is her new friend. ) and then I want to take a walk. When New Dad gets here in a bit, we can all go to see him ! "
Why go? Why not have him here? Here’s why. He ingested a lot of amniotic fluid and blood just before being delivered. He has not eaten yet. Wait. That’s not fair. He was born Sunday morning, and as of Monday 12:00 noon he had not ingested anything. She tried feeding him the evening he was born, he threw all of it up. They put him into NICU immediately, gently pumped his tummy and drew out a lof of fluids. There is more in there apparently, and that was to have been drawn out today. It seems the amniotic fluid is very irritating to the stomach lining, hence the rapid reflux. All of his bloodwork is dandy, he aced his APGAR test ( perfect 1600 ! 
), and he’s a big happy healthy kid- who has not eaten. They’re hydrating by I.V. I hope that by now, they’ve let her try again, and he’s been able to nurse a wee bit.
So. When I got there, he’d been in NICU overnight. She was very insistent that I not go. So, I stayed. visited with her, and New Dad when he got there. Even after eating narcotics, she was not dopey- and conversing with me incessantly. I think she needed to share a lot of stuff that was built up. She talked details of the Caesarian, etc.
I asked again before they walked down to NICU ( where, as I assumed, I was not permitted to enter ). They asked me if I’d wait till they got out- 20 minutes or so later. New Dad left to teach, I stayed till her pal and pal’s hubby arrived, then I left.
I brought her what she asked for. She had not touched solid foods since the delivery, and the breakfast tray turned her tummy. I walked in with two Zip-Loc bags of pre-sliced homebaked banana bread with chocolate chips. Man, it did my heart good to see her light up. She said firmly, " THAT’S my breakfast. And lunch !! " ( she’s had it plenty of times before, I know she digs it ).
While I kept feeling as though I was pushing it by sitting there, I did ask a few times and she kept saying very clearly that she wanted to visit more, that she did not want to just sit there alone. I suspect some of this is because New Baby was in NICU and not with her, and it was hard for her NOT to have him in her bed/ on her bosom already.
Company seemed to help a bit. I left when her hubby had to help her get up and “arranged” to be able to walk down the hallway slowly to NICU. Interesting- one of the first things she talked about was her new total lack of modesty- she described how many things she had on/in/up her during the entire proceedure, and how many people were taking a good long look and feel to make sure things were going well. ( Well. Just a few, and only the proper ones of course !! ). I told her that I kinda got that, but as it was no longer an emergent situation and I respected her privacy as much now as I did before, I was going to step out and leave her and New Dad to get her up and semi-clothed.
Having knelt by the side of the road or in the living room of countless strangers and put my hands on them, or cut their clothing away down to no top at all when I was an EMT, I would not have been fazed by helping her get together. However, she is family and that is the role of her partner, and a nurse if partner is not around. Granted, if she was in distress and nobody but me was there, of course I’d do the right thing.
Anyway, my thoughts and dreams and prayers are focused on New Baby, and his tummy, and her milk glands in that order. Send appropriate lactational and non-reguritative energies to Brooklyn.
Awww, New Baby wanted something to eat and couldn’t figure out that wasn’t the right food!
sending milky thoughts to Brooklyn as requested
I’m sure you’re absolutely right that she doesn’t want to be alone all that much, with her baby in the NICU. My ds spent 13 days in the NICU and it was absolutely awful; the medical staff was fantastic, but I wanted my baby HOME.
I hope she doesn’t have to leave empty-handed, that’s devastating. I really can’t recommend a “best” course of action if that does happen; people sent us congratulations on our twins, which I couldn’t even begin to celebrate with one child still in the hospital. But if they’d ignored us, that wouldn’t have felt any better.
I was given the option of putting additional family members on his Visitors list, so my ds had more company; my Mom spent one entire day with him, while I sat home with his sister.
It’s wonderful how you’ve been able to be there for your SIL. Bringing scrumptious delights was an excellent idea, she’ll remember that all her life.
My mother had me after something like 5 hours of labor (I’m her firstborn). So, anyway, having had friends who did the “go to the hospital, get sent home, go to the hospital, get sent home” yo-yo thing before finally having a baby, Mom refused to go to the hospital for as long as possible. She and Dad played dominos in between contractions, and apparently Dad won–very unusual.
So anyway, eventually she decides that yes, maybe going to the hospital would be a good thing. It was now sometime after 1 am. Less than an hour later, with her obstrician not yet there, she gave birth. The doctor present for the birth was a budding Plastic Surgeon–who had not delivered many babies, and didn’t really want to deliver more. Anyway, said doctor stitched her up neatly. My mother found it both amusing and annoying to note how many nurses and such looked at her stitches and commented on how pretty they were–and offered her a mirror so she could see them. No thank you, as long as the stitches are doing there job, that’s the important thing.
My father was a Founding Member of a hospital’s staff (he was the Purchasing Department, sharing a secretary with Human Resources). In theory, the hospital was being opened in January, although the official ceremony wasn’t due until March. Until then, most of the children in the area had been born at a clinic/hospice that had been around since the XVIth century and which was closing its maternity ward as soon as the new hospital opened.
On December 29th, a car drove to the ER’s doors. A guy ran in, saying “please my wife, we can’t reach the clinic, it’s going so fast!” They ask what’s going on: “the baby, the baby!” The only doctor in the ER was its Department Manager, whose worst subject in Med school was ObGyn. As this doctor is telling a nurse to prep one of the ER’s “rooms” and two other nurses run outside to help the husband bring his wife in, another doctor appears, attracted by the unexpected volume of noise (that building echoes badly with all the doors open). One of the ObGyn! The ER Doc went down on his knees, yelling “THANK YOU GOD!” at the top of his lungs.
Everybody agreed that it was a Good Omen that the new hospital’s first duty was a birth, of a healthy baby who got so many visits he must have been exposed to everything a Spaniard has ever had
I don’t live near any of my family, so no I wouldn’t be visiting any time soon. Probably wouldn’t see them till the next holiday we were all supposed to be at.
The only person who I will probably be there right after for is my best friend in virginia. But then again, she has all but ordered me to be there for a week or so when she gives birth. (This is the same one I’ll be performing attendant duties for at her wedding.)