The only time it ever happened, Youngest was a nurseling. So I had one toddler, and was nursing and still had my baby weight on and was lucky to get out of my pajamas by ten o’clock. I was indeed lucky to get to go to the bathroom alone. I was harried, I was overweight, I was dressed badly because I my clothing choices mostly involved 1) what was accessible for nursing and 2) what was resistant to stains from various bodily fluids.
This was when he decided my attractiveness was such that the neighbor would be unable to resist me.
My immediate, spontaneous response was to laugh my butt off. It was not my most tactful moment.
I suppose it was flattering; I mean if he thought I was that devastating then, well.
But I was annoyed that his perception of what-my-life-was-like was so very far away from my exceedingly mundane reality.
I probably would be annoyed enough to say “Well, why do you think it’s so great to get there early? It takes that long just to pay him, knowwhatImean?winkwink”
Please. Seriously, I have never had my husband express a jealous remark to me, even joking. This is despite the fact that even as recently as a day ago I told him I was running away with one of his friends. I guess we both think better of each other then to say something that disrespectful.
I’m sure he was joking, but honestly, that comment would have given me pause.
My usual response to jealousy is curiosity, followed by an attempt to understand where it’s coming from. Have I been distracted and not paying enough attention to him lately? Is he feeling insecure? Has he been looking at old yearbook photos and driving himself crazy again? Is he, in fact, correct about the motives of this other man and I’ve missed the cues?
Because I trust my husband’s judgement of other people, and because I know he doesn’t generally use jealousy as a weapon, I take his jealousy seriously when it comes up. That may or may not mean that I’ll change my behavior, but it is a signal that we need to talk about something.
(And yes, grab your dropped jaws off the floor, folks. Poly folks get jealous, too!)
Last weekend my husband and I were playing sand volleyball with the neighbors at our swim club. After a few hours, Mr. Pundit said he was ready to go home. I told him that I wasn’t ready to leave yet. He looked a bit annoyed, but said he’d return to pick me up (we only had one car) later. Half an hour later he returned under the pretense that dinner was ready and he thought I’d want to eat. Let me tell you, I was pretty furious.
See, he wasn’t being a gentleman by returning so soon. He was jealous because I was playing volleyball with other men. :rolleyes:
So, no, I don’t find insecurity endearing or charming. I find it to be annoying.
It is infuriating. I get ‘in trouble’ because my workmates are male (and married) and I eat lunch at the same table as them. So I’m supposed to talk to people throughout the day, laugh and share occasional snacks, but if they want to eat lunch I should make up an excuse? Business lunches also cause trouble. God forbid I need to leave town, even on a daytrip. It’s just ridiculous.
I’d like you to explain this too me if you would. I too have found myself in trouble with past GFs because I wasn’t jealous enough.
As far as the op goes:
I divorced my ex-wife because of her insane jealousy. I tried to be understanding at first because she is 10 years older than me… And I am quite the handsome man if I do say so myself. (Heh, heh)
She assured me that as time went on she would begin to feel more secure and be able to relax more. But nope, that never happened. In fact, it got so bad she tried to forbid me from watching R rated movies in fear that I might see a naked woman.
My first response when I saw the OP title was, “Well, anyone past high school doesn’t find jealousy all that flattering…” Then I read the OP, and it’s a little more complicated than that (like most things). It almost sounds like he was just kinda reminding you who your man is (like after 20 years you don’t know). I dunno; could it be just that he thinks that’s the kind of things guys are supposed to say, and he was just playing a role?
Like others have said, I think a very, very small amount of jealousy is flattering (that he cares that any other man is chasing after me). Anything more and we’re heading into insecurity.
Me too. We’ve been at parties where some guy was hitting on me big-time and I’m desperately sending “rescue me” signals across the room to my SO. Nothing. I can rescue myself, of course, but having an SO come up and lay a wet one on ya is a more graceful (and fun!) ‘out.’
All it takes is a little teritorrial display to get rid of guys like that. In the 2yrs we’ve been together he’s never said anything even remotely jelous, and sometimes I wish he would. In the beginning I would even do things to (gently) provoke him, with absolutely zero response.
OTOH I had an asshole of a boyfriend in high school who thought that I dressed too slutty (baggy jeans and oversized sweatshirts were literally the only thing that wouldn’t draw a disapproving comment) and made a big deal out of “letting” me talk to my male friends (most of whom were gay, BTW). I’d take my current SO over that guy any day.
Mild jealousy that I can calm down easily, flattered.
If he starts being a pain about it, it could be a deal breaker. If I’m with a guy I’m with him because I want to, so if I am with him it means I want to be with him and with nobody else, and he oughta get off my case. It’s not like I tell my guys to stop staring at pics of pretty ladies… I just tell them to close their mouth if they start slobbering on the carpet :rolleyes:
It’s a fine line that can be hard to articulate. Like if I say, “I was talking to Dave earlier and we decided to get lunch.”, don’t start accusing me of also sleeping with him. But, if I say, “While you were playing pool, someone who knew I was with you was hitting on me!” the best response is not, “Well, was he cute?”
An example from about a week ago when we were in Palm Springs. We were out together at one of the bars and walking from the bar out to the patio to have a smoke. On the way out my SO playfully grabbed my butt a couple times (that part I didn’t object to) but after we got out to the patio he says, I only did it twice, the first time it was someone else.
I was, to say the least, miffed about that. If you see someone touch me that way, SAY SOMETHING, preferably to them. He said they walked right off and he didn’t see where they went. For one, I do not like being touched by strangers especially in that manner. two, it’s not cute for other people to hit on me, so don’t act like it is.
One big thing for us is that he enjoys it when others flirt with him, he says it lets him know he’s still hot. He also likes being with someone that gets hit on because it means he’s with someone hot. I’m the opposite, when I’m with someone I want people to leave me alone or at least keep it to a friend level.
Coompared to your BF; I’d say I AM the jealous type.
If a stranger were to grab my GF’s ass I’d be all over that guy. If the law made exceptions for situations like this I’d likely beat the guy to a pulp.
Anyway, as far as people flirting with my GF goes: As long as they’re friends of mine and as long as they’re joking; I really don’t care.
The part that seems to get me into trouble is when strangers who don’t know she has a boyfriend (or sometimes they do I’m just not around at the time) flirt or hit on her. She’d tell about this and I wouldn’t get jealous over it because like your BF, it just makes me feel I have a super-sexy GF.
Then there was the time A male friend of mine accidentally walked in on my GF when she was completely butt naked.
I laughed my ass off when I heard her shrill voice scream at the top of her lungs. (Along with my friends apple red face.) She couldn’t see the humor in it and wanted to know why I didn’t care that my friend just saw her naked.
This confused me because why should I care?? It was a freaking accident!!
You sound self-confident and mature, SHAKES. Your boyfriend, however, Antinor, sounds apathetic. My husband is also the non-jealous type, but I don’t think strangers grabbing my ass in front of him would fly. For one thing, it can be considered assault and battery, and you could press charges if you really felt like it (it might even be sexual assault), and my husband is not cool with people assaulting me.
It happened in a crowded bar while we were walking out to the patio, so obviously the guy had no way of knowing I was with someone. And him and I both know that guys sometimes do that sort of thing in that environment, it’s happened to both us before. I wasn’t upset that he didn’t chase the guy down and attempt bodily harm, I was upset because he thought it was funny.
His view is that him and I both know we’re together and nothing is going to change that, regardless of any guy hitting on either of us. While I agree with him on that to some extent, I still feel some possessiveness is warrented.
For me it comes down to, flirting with him or I is ok IF you don’t know that we’re together. Once you know that, I expect it to stop. Fortunately, I have only once had to make it clear to a guy that if he hit on my man once more that very bad things would happen to him.
Been thinking about this for a while: I’d say my answer is “neither”.
I interpret jealosuy as a pointer to “I feel that something is being threatened”. That means that if it crops up, there’s a problem to be concerned about. If a partner feels our relationship is threatened by something, I need to know why so that I can address the perceived threat. (Sometimes it’s a flag to a real threat; sometimes it’s an insecurity or a projection or something otherwise ‘all in the mind’, but in any case it’s something that needs to be dealt with.)
Both my wife and I have been hit on (her more than me, I maintain no more illusions about myself), and both our reactions have been to immediately yell, “hey! Guess what happened today!” when we get home. It’s something we find amusing.
Occasionally, she’ll ask me, “aren’t you jealous?” to which I answer, “Nope, I trust you.”
It’s not like I tell my guys to stop staring at pics of pretty ladies… I just tell them to close their mouth if they start slobbering on the carpet :rolleyes: