Is jealously covetous behavior? BTW, your girlfriends cute!

In My Humble Opinion
1

Over the weekend my wife and I had some friends over for a BBQ. There were 10 in all. 3 couples we knew and four of their friends. 2 guys and two gals. The latter all worked with one another but had never been out with each other. They work for a large Pharmeseutical Company near the town I live in. Pfiz…something… :slight_smile:

If any of you work in a corporate realm you’ll know fraternising with superiors/inferiors or infidels is not exactly smiled upon.

Anyway, after the introductions and the normal mumbo-jumbo, "
Oh you have such a nice house, ‘Oh your kitten is soo cute’, ‘Oh your dog is so well behaved’, ‘Wow is that a chat pit?’." We finaly got to having some drinks. Mainly the guys had margarita’s, and most of the women had some wine or fresh made Sangria.

I had noticed one the the guys who came with our friends was checking my good friends wife out. Blatently at that. As the host/cook for the evening/reletively calm guy, I went over to my wife and asked her to see if she was seeing the same things I was seeing.

Sure enough she was. To make a long story short, my good friend noticed it too and noticed his wife was having a conversation with the guy who was checking her out. I could see his nerves starting to make his drink tremble in his hands, almost cartoon like… He was visibly getting angrier and angrier. So I whipped up another extra strong batch of Margarita’s, checked the tamales which were nestled in their corn husks on the grill and went over and sat next to the guy infringing on my friends wife.

Jealousy is a force to be reckoned with however, not at my BBQ. So I sat and listened, asked the gentleman what he did for a living and soon came to recognize that this guy had seen my friends wife before. As a matter of fact he had seen her quite often, as my friend was this guys boss. I guess she came into work to have lunch quite often.

So FM (flirting man) did not see the disdain rising quite noticeably in my friend. So MFW (my friends wife) did see it and she got up to go get some more Sangria and to talk to her husband…she knew he was the jealous type. This is when the story get’s weird.

FM stood up immediately when MFW stood up to get more Sangria and asked, “Oh I’ll get it for you…” She blushed slightly, looked at her husband and He was on the cusp of losing it and ripping his employee’s head off.

I stood up, grabbed FM’s shoulder and said, “Naw, why don’t you come with me. I need some help stoking the fire in the chat pit…”

I winked at MFW. A little I’ll-take-care-of-it-go-talk-to-Jay kind of wink. And proceeded down to the now empy chat pit. Everyone who was previously there were now pitching horse shoes.

I sat him down with margarita pitcher in hand and poured us a fresh round. He was kind of taken aback and I mildly told him that hitting on a freidns wife was not tolerated in my house, and if he thought he was above the rest of human populace who thinks they can get away with it (especially with another man’s wife) no less his own boss, he was sorely mistaken. He’s a 26 year old newby master’s and thinks he knows everything about life, just because he’s past 25.

So we calmed down as we drank the rest of the pitcher that was in my hand. I was tanked I’ll admit it. At 33 my tolerance is next to nil. But I didn’t show it as some people do. He was flushed from the tequilla and we ended up having a fantastic night. He went home and probably “relaxed with his thoughts” .

My wife and I stayed up late with kitty and my friend and his wife. We drank some more…though it switched to drinking coffee drinks Nutty Irishmen. I asked my friend if he was going to fire the kid. He said that they were out of work and it did not reflect on his behaviour at work. But that he would make damn sure the kid knew he crossed the line. [sub]I can’t wait to call him tonight to see how the conversation went.[/sub]

So Jealousy. What does the teeming millions think about jealousy. Are you jealous? If so why? Feeling a tad inadequate, low self esteem maybe, insecure, not very honest in your relationship?

I often wonder about jealousy. I remember it in highschool. But not so much in college and certainly a not after I met my wife. She’s fantastic, I trust her implicitly. As does she of me.

Is Jealouy a trust issue? I think it is.

Anyone have a not-so-normal jealousy story? Or a normal one doesn’t really matter? What do people of different ages do to deal with jealousy.

2

I’m thinking there may be a little more to the story here than just jealousy. Certainly your friend had a reason to be angry.

A subordinate was hitting on his wife. In front of friends. Not even making an ATTEMPT to be discreet. If he (friend) makes an issue of it, he’s being jealous, over reacting. If he doesn’t make an issue of it, possiply MF sees this as free rein to continue flirting, perhaps take it even further.

I think you all three (friend, friend’s wife, and you) handled it very well.

I think I probably would have reacted in the same manner as your friend. Am I jealous? Maybe. Am I cautious? You bet. Sometimes Mr. Maureen does not see certain things everyone else in the room sees (“nah, babe, she was just being nice.” “I’m just saying keep an eye out, 'k love?”), and I point it out, and there’s an end.

Certainly there is a trust issue involved. Do I trust my husband? Yes, or I wouldn’t have married him. Do I trust every other woman out there? Please.

3

Yes Maureen. I am happy to hear there are other right minded peoples checking in on the boards. :slight_smile:

4

Phlosphr, it also sounds to me like it was handled well. Were I the checked-out wife in question I probably would have made an excuse to go talk to someone else as soon as I figured it out - but I probably wouldn’t have noticed the preliminary scoping-out and so it might take a little while before it occurred to me what was happening.

A strange jealousy tale from this weekend - I related more of the background in my LiveJournal.

My husband and I were at his parents’ wedding anniversary party this weekend. One of his sisters became drunk, and might well have been doing some drugs during her frequent bathroom trips (it’s a long story, but she basically looks like a heroin addict, and has been abusing drugs and alcohol most/much of her life). She started hanging on him way too much, being a real pain to him while he was trying to take photos. At one point he was trying to sit down for a moment and eat his dessert, and she wanted to have a bite of his dessert, rather than get her own (there was a ton of cake all sliced up). I snapped and said, “no, get your own!” I thought I was being jealous for no real reason, and tried to write it off as irritation with her as a person plus with her bothering him. Eventually she was bugging him so much by hanging on him/looming over him while he was trying to take pictures, that he began insisting she back off, eventually angrily doing so as she didn’t seem to take the hint for more than a few minutes.

Later I found out that she’d grabbed his rear 4 times during the night, and he was feeling very skeeved out - he said it felt like she was trying to be incestuous. I was shocked, my jealousy meter was right! Talking with his sisters and teenage nieces/nephew, we found out she’d been grabbing their rears too, groped the breasts of a college-age niece in the guise of saying she needed to adjust her dress to improve the cleavage (another sister saw this and told her to get her hands off), trailed her finger down the chest of a sister’s boyfriend, and so on. It wasn’t until we all talked the next day that we figured out that what each of us had seen wasn’t just an isolated incident. Ewwww…

If I’d known she’d grabbed his butt, I would have dragged her outside and told her to get her hands off my husband.

5

Oh, and I forgot to follow up with the other questions - I’m not a jealous person. I trust my husband, and know that he loves me. That’s why the jealousy reaction confused me, especially because of the relationship involved.

I know my husband is attractive, and a very sweet, outgoing, and funny guy. He’s much more sociable than I am, and I don’t have a problem with him talking to women. He gets pegged as a “big brother” type of guy a lot. However, like Maureen said, I don’t necessarily trust all other women, and for those that appear to be thinking un-brotherly thoughts about him, I will stop by their conversation to say hello, which often allows him to make a graceful exit.

6

Wow.

so the MFW can’t handle things on her own?

if she was bothered enough by the FM, one woudl think she could politely be straight forward and END the flirting.

Your friend’s pride was hurt…all cause some kid was chatting up his wife infront of his friends. Silly.

If your friend was secure enough… he woulda just had a good laugh at it… knowing he was taking MFW home.

Jealousy like your friend’s is so unattractive. Not even mentioning how condescending it is to ‘take care of business’ for the MFW. What? You don’t think she can handle things on her own?

7

Wow, **Mith, ** that’s quite…umm…judgemental of you.

She tried to bow out gracefully and not cause a scene. Didn’t work. And not every woman is comfortable with saying “back off, Jacko, ya bother me!” Not to mention that this guy works with her husband EVERY DAY. She was trying to be diplomatic.

Not silly. The FM was creating a potentially embarrassing situation by flirting openly with his boss’s wife! He is not precisely to be held harmless, here. It is HIS (FM’s) behavior that is causing this problem, not the boss’.

The doofus was being disrespectful. To his boss, his boss’ wife, and **Phlosphr ** & Mrs. Phlosphr . As I said, the boss was in a no-win situation. No matter how he handled it, someone would see him as the bad guy.

From what it sound like, I think she was actually grateful. And please remember, this was Phlosphr’s HOME. It was his perogative to react exactly the way he did. Which was tactful, to say the least. He did not berate doofus in front of everyone. He pulled him aside and told him his behavior was unacceptable in polite company. The party went on, and no big deal was made of the situation. Whereas, had it been allowed to continue, a very big deal may have been made of it indeed.

It would be nice,Mith , if everyone was adult enough to behave in the manner you suggested. They aren’t. But do remember that the boss was not the one who instigated the whole thing.

8

Mith - my friend is quite confident in himself and his relationship with his wife. Not sure where you got the rest…But MFW was handling herself fine. Not wanting to let the young buck embarrass himself more, I thought it was handled quite nicely. No?

We are not talking about machismo here Mith, but jealousy. Seems you do not like the male chauvinistic behaviour some men exhibit. Thats good, neither do I. I was not taking any energy or pride away from my friends wife. Not a bit.

9

You were there, I wasn’t.

But from how it was told… if I was MFW, I would have been FAR more embarrassed that my husband was shaking his drink because he was apparently so enraged with jealousy, than I woulda been embarrassed with some naive, socially inept, squirt flirting with me.

10

I don’t get it, maybe I read over a paragraph.

This guy that was talking to your friends wife, he knew her from work because she comes in a lot? And now all sudden, this guy is hitting on her because he happends to be talking with her at the party? And you tell him that it’s not polite to do so under your roof? I think something has been overlooked here. What’s wrong with a man and women just shootin’ the shit? As far as the jealousy part goes, your friend needs to work out some trust issues. I goofe all the time with my buddies girlfriends, they thinks it’s funny. It’s just playin’ around. I think them talking was just that and no more. But I wasn’t there so I don’t know. Was he touching her at all? Was she touching him?

11

Parental Advisory , I think you did miss something. Phlosphr states he asked his wife (paraphrasing) “are you seeing what I’m seeing?” just to make sure he’s not imagining things. There’s nothing wrong with “shooting the shit.” There IS something wrong with not taking a hint. MFW tried to get away politely, not to draw attention to what was going on.

Mith ; how you take things v. how MFW took things are obviously two different things.

I’m still not sure why boss & Phlosphr are the bad guys here, & drunken doofus is perfectly within his rights to hit on his boss’ wife! Can someone explain that one?

12

PA - bottom line. My friend invited said young buck to the party because the guy didn’t have anything to do that night. My friend happen’s to be Young Bucks boss. YB was making remarks, and goo-goo eyes at my friends wife that - subtle as they were - were innappropriate. Plain and simple.

As for seeing her at work. Sometimes, my friends wife goes to see him for lunch at his work. Walks right by YB never saying a word to him or glancing in his direction. YB happen’s to think she’s cute, yet doesn’t know she is his boss’ wife. The he finds out at my BBQ though and I imagine was pretty embarrassed. Though I took him aside and had another margarita with him that night, I think it made things a little easier. And whether or not you believe it. there’s a big diff between hitting on ones GF and hitting on ones Wife.

It all turned out just fine.

And Mith his hands were shaking slightly, he wasn’t shaking his drink outwardly…

13

I think jealously is stupid to the point of being incoherent and possessiveness equally so, and even I think this guy’s behavior was beyond the pale.

He new to this planet or something??

14

What AHunter3 said. It wasn’t just jealousy in this case-it was down right rude and embarassing to the other guests.

15

First I have to say I admire how the OP handled the situation. Whether or not his friend was justified in being jealous, Philosphr took a potentially volatile situation in hand like a gentleman.
I guess I have to wonder, like some of the other posters, whether the FM truly thought he was acting innocently by chatting up the boss’s wife. What exactly defines flirtation? Or maybe he considered her a safe target for innocent attention because she WAS the boss’s wife. Just my $.02.

16

Phlosphr, I think I’m missing something. Can you clear up one point for me ?

Did Flirting Man know that the woman he was flirting with was boss’s wife ? Or were you the one who explained that relationship to him when you took him aside ?

And is flirting man getting fired for solely business reasons ? If so, why would your friend muddy the waters by bringing up this evening and his behaviour ? Unless he’s employed ‘at-will’, FM may have grounds to sue (depending on state laws, etc).

Everyone is different, but I’d prefer to deal with people myself, rather than have someone else “take care of it for me”. That said, it sounds like what you did was polite and diffused the situation, as it could have easily blown up into a huge deal.

Thanks :slight_smile:

17

I don’t think he’s getting fired. From the OP:

18

I’d like to think I could laugh it off if some pipsqueak was hitting on my SO, but I doubt very much I could. I have pretty low self esteem/confidence and even after 9 years of marriage still wonder what he’s doing with little old me. (I should point out that he does absolutely nothing to make me feel this way!)

I can understand your friends reaction, it sounds as if the whole situation was handled well.

19

Often the alcohol just adds fuel to the fire. It messes with that part of the brain that deals with impulse control.

Although I would normally let people work things out for themselves, I can understand that as a host, you would want to distract the offending party.

As for jealousy, it’s a control issue. Unless “the kid” was saying something actually offensive or of a highly suggestive nature, I would have let it play out.

But what seems to be missing in all of this is the wife’s behavior. If she knew it was irritating her husband, she should have taken more control of the situation. It wasn’t as if she were powerless.

I must admit that I am amused that you are 33 and refer to the 26 year old as “the kid.” :slight_smile:

20

Ok working in reverse here:

It was the beginning of the night when this happened. The young guy did not know she was his boss’ wife at all, he had just seen her at his work from time to time and thought she was cute.
The scene at my house is this: Outdoor large deck, half enclosed with screen half cascading down a small hill. Small 14 X 14 granite chat pit directly off the deck. Large Grill to one side built into a flagstone countertop. We were all half inside half outside. He was trying to latch on to someone he wanted to get to know a little better. He just picked the wrong person to flirt with, not necessarily the wrong person to have a conversation with, big difference.
The Wife’s behavior was all things considered, quite normal. She was only a bit taken aback when the guy didn’t stop staring at her with that stare whilst talking with her. Normal conversations with-in a group atmosphere revolve around the entire group. Most know what that stare looks like. She reacted cool in my opinion. but when she got up to get a drink and he immediately stood and offered in that “Oh so coy” manner to get it for her, I think that is when the stone dropped per se and she felt slightly uncomfortable.

No he did not get fired, as I said he was at the whole soiree because of an invite from his boss. But as I eluded to earlier I was waiting to hear from my friend about his talk with the kid.
Well apparently, after he left he went out into town with some other people who were at the BBQ. And they apparently told him that he was flirting with the boss’ wife. Heh! When he got to work yesterday morning my friend was waiting for him in his cube. Heh! Apparently he swirled around when the kid got there, stood up, and said to him, “Why don’t you follow me into my office.” The kid turned all shades of pale and they proceeded into his office. The situation was explained, the kid appologized profusely and turned out a record quantity of work that day… So I guess it panned out for both parties. Boss got some good quality work accomplished, Kid got a lesson in the finer points of hitting on ones boss.

Ahunter 3 you are talking about the kid right? or the boss who was slightly flumed? If you are refering to the kid I agree with you 100%.

Oh and Zoe one more thing. If I knew then what I know now… heh! :smiley:

(My wife commented on that as well…young buck…how dare you call him that…) :slight_smile: