If you’re saying it in a perfectly human attempt to process your shared grief, I have no issue at all. People have a need to fill uncomfortable silences. But if you’re using that as an official statement in attempt to abrogate your responsibilities, then shut up and let the adults talk.
I’d like to address the point of offering to pray for someone who either isn’t religious at all or who doesn’t appreciate that sort of intrusion into their personal business… I do one of two things. 1.) If I know they wouldn’t like it, I skip any mention of prayer to them at all. I’m not trying to shove my spirituality down their throats, I’m hoping to help. If yammering on about what I’m gonna do upsets them, then I’m taking the wrong tack. If there’s nothing else I can offer, then it’s just good thoughts or well wishes. 2) If I have no idea of their preference, then I ask if praying is okay. If they decline, then I don’t. Mostly though, it’s not difficult to tell if someone is receptive. Plus, it’s not a competitive sport, where I’m jockeying for position. If I care, then I’m trying to help soothe their feelings, not looking for an opportunity to trot out my beliefs. Once you’ve learned what’s going on (and that’s the important part), you’ll know what’s appropriate. And if it’s even necessary.
Finally, it ain’t about the show. It’s about sincerity and doing your business on your own time. Making a big production about “Oh, I’ll PRAY for you!” kinda misses the point, in my opinion. Go to God quietly. That’s it.
Yeah, well, Jesus never had to get re-elected in a Guns, God, and GOP district with some Teaper trying to primary him from the right.
Prayer is a wonderful tool. It puts gas in the tank (Evangelicals) without chopping the wheels off (NRA voters). And Hell, maybe one day that horse will learn how to talk.
I fully agree, this is the spirit in which the offer of prayer should be made.
And if I felt someone was offering to pray for me sincerely like this, I would accept gratefully, with no offence taken and sincere feelings appreciated.
Human beings in general value sympathy when they have problems. It’s the primary reason you tell people about those problems. It shouldn’t matter if that person’s show of sympathy is religious in nature. In fact, I consider it a mild form of bigotry. If you are religiously tolerant, then even someone saying they will pray to the source of all evil on your behalf isn’t offensive.
Not that this remotely describes the situation with what Obama said. He said that prayer wasn’t enough to fix the problem. He was “shaming” the politicians not for offers of prayer, but for using platitudes while avoiding any action.
He was iterating off the concept in the book of James, where faith without action is useless. Prayer is great, but you still need to do what you can. Otherwise, you’re like that proverbial guy who prays for God to deliver him out of a disaster but won’t take the helicopter that comes to rescue him.
I mean, it’s not as if Obama himself hasn’t offered his own prayers and thoughts in times of tragedy. This is a right wing talking point being used to rile up the Religious Right.
EDIT: Scrolling up, take out the “mild” for those who assume horrible things about the person because they said it. It’s one of those situations where you are exactly as offended as you deserve to be. You need to fix your own problem with hatefulness rather than demanding to be a coddled snowflake.
Context is everything. A coworkers father is dying. The coworker in in my thoughts. It is meaningful to tell him that. That is all I can do, that is all he knows I can do. (I’ve also offered to pick up some of his work tasks so he can spend time with his father). There is no action I can really take to change the situation or stop the suffering, the best I can do is little things (let me make those phone calls for you, let me edit that document you need to get out) and let him know I care. That support, whether individual or in the face of public tragedy, is important.
However, if I’m in a position to do something substantial and what I offer is thoughts and prayers, its a slap in the face. “I’m sorry you are going hungry, rather than share my lunch with you, I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I’m sorry you (my elderly neighbor) can’t shovel your own walk, rather than helping you, I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.”
And that’s what is happening with politicians and gun violence. Thoughts and prayers is either an admission that they can’t DO anything meaningful, or that they don’t WANT to find a solution. Those people should be shamed for refusing to take action or say what no one wants to hear “this isn’t going to change, learn to adapt, this is the world we have created - one where we need active shooter training in the workplace and lockdown drills in public schools.”
Glad I’m aiming in the right direction. 
I’m new to being a Christian again and have no desire to muck it up like I did the first go 'round.
For some, it isn’t that they don’t want to find a solution, it’s that they’re convinced they already have one: More guns. Period. More guns for everyone, at all times, in all places, until it becomes literally impossible to restrict the sale or use of firearms, because they’ve made it so the only possible solution to problems with guns is more guns.
And if that dovetails into any of their sub-groups’ other agendas, well, ain’t that just a nice little coincidence? Especially how there are no longer unarmed black teens…
I would amend your “and what I offer is thoughts and prayers” to “and all I offer is thoughts and prayers.”
This makes it sound as though “thoughts and prayers” and doing something about it are mutually exclusive. What you’ve said is all too often the case, but don’t just assume that because a politician talks about “thoughts and prayers” that that’s all they’re doing.
Far from being mutually exclusive, “thoughts and prayers” and “doing something about it” can be complementary, in two ways:
(1) Often there are some aspects of a situation you can do something active about and some things you can’t. Maybe all you can do for the victims of a tragedy and their families is pray, while working to try to prevent similar tragedies from happening in the future.
(2) “Thoughts and prayers” for one’s own wisdom, guidance, strength, or encouragement can lead to taking action.
Frankly, the “we need to arm ourselves more” is a more satisfactory answer than mere “thoughts and prayers.” It isn’t the answer I like, but it implies active involvement in the solution, rather than just the “hope” things will get better.
There was a rather stunning dichotomy in the reaction between the “thoughts and prayers” only crowd and the “thoughts and prayers + action” crowd. If my neighbor is dying, the least I can do is offer thoughts and prayers. The next best thing is to offer thoughts and prayers while saying “if there is anything I can do to help” while not meaning it. A better step is to offer thoughts and prayers while dropping off a frozen lasagna for his wife to cook up at some point, or mowing his lawn, or taking his widow to lunch after he passes and she feels lonely.
Yes, they are not mutually exclusive, but its appropriate to announce your intention to take active action - or even TAKE IT - as well as make the sympathy noises if it is at all possible for you to take active action.
Four years ago my brother in law died of cancer at a young age. Some people offered thoughts and prayers. Some people showed up and participated in the mourning both before and after he died - even if they didn’t know him, but to offer the family and close friends support. Others actually did something to help during his illness and after his death - plant a garden he could see from his windows, clean the house while he lived - help us clear it out after he died, stay with him and visit when he wasn’t working and his days were long, source illegal at the time in Minnesota weed to help with chemo, show up at the hospital with food for us, play music while he was in hospice (he was a musician), visit us after he’d passed, share memories. Four years later people are spending time to create a final album of his last recordings. Thoughts and prayers are kind of low on the scale of supportive actions - they were appreciated, but it was definitely filed under “that’s about the least you can do.” One thing I learned is that those who were going to take action stepped up pretty fast, they didn’t let too much time pass between “thoughts and prayers” and “anything I can do” and doing something. If you asked for help, they stepped up and gave it, no excuses.
It’s impressive how quickly their PR people come up with these terms. I don’t think I ever heard the term “prayer shaming” before that Daily News issue came out.
Given that that front page fully explains that they’re talking about people issuing platitudes rather than taking action, it’s obvious that the use of the term is a knowing and deliberate straw man attack. They’re ignoring the explicit intent and instead attributing motives that are easy to attack.
I voted A0 and B -2. For the public thing I don’t particularly care one way or another. For the personal I see it as an annoying platitude but I would give the person wishing this the benefit of the doubt. If people start getting into the “God works in mysterious ways” or “They’re in a better place now” etc that’s a definite A -5 and B - 5.
My wife was diagnosed with stage 3 lymphoma several years ago and one of my bosses said something along the lines of “that really sucks and if you need to talk to me…”. By the scale of the poll that was easily a B +5 for sincerity and non-B.S. I absolutely despise platitudes.
This^. The New testament is pretty clear on the issue:
and
OTOH, since I am not always in a position to know what the petitioner can or can’t do, I’ll accept the platitude with a simple “Thank you”. Anything further is between them and God.
And frankly, it would be rude to demand more. “Thanks for your prayers, now make me a casserole so I can put it in the oven next week after the hospital” is not what polite people do.
But when this is in reaction to the platitudes delivered by our leaders or those who want to be our leaders, who are our leaders because we want them to do something about whatever it is (gun violence, racially charged police behavior, job loss, natural disaster), I think it is appropriate to say “Thanks for being sorry I lost my job, what are you going to do to help the unemployment situation?” And it may not be actions we agree with, but that helps us weigh their ability to respond in a meaningful way - which all the good thoughts and prayers in the world doesn’t let us know if we should vote for them.
I think “Prayer Shaming” is a poor name for it, and one given by the same folks who think there’s a “War on Christmas” - ie, Christians who want to feel martyred for their faith. “They think we’re doing wrong by PRAYING! They think we should be ashamed for our BELIEFS!!!”
Unfortunately, “Saying-You’ll-Pray-For-Someone-Then-Not-Doing-Anything-Else-To-Help-Them-In-The-Real-World-Shaming” is kinda awkward. Anyone got a better sobriquet?
Lip service
Could care less, it’s not like it’s going to HURT someone if they do it or not.
It is literally the least that anyone could do.