Share the epigram that you made today, one that made you think to yourself “I’m a clever person.”
I’ll start with mine. Meeting this afternoon in conference room 2B. I arrive to find the room occupied and programmers milling around in confusion like deaf bats. It turns out that our room has been pre-empted by the suits.
My immediate supervisor (blessings upon his head) arrived and so I quickly asked him (are you ready for this?) “Is it 2B or not 2B”?
snort chuckle giggle
“It were a Murriken what went back in time an’ done discoveerd hisself.” --Batman
I still think I’m reasonably clever, but it could be that I peaked early. So rather than “today,” here’s a golden oldie.
When I was about 12 or so, I had a rich friend who had a treehouse in his back yard, complete with electricity and everything.
He and I were getting ready to sleep out overnight in it one night when his mom came to the back door of their house and yelled that she was locking up, so that if we needed to come in and use the bathroom, we’d better do it now.
To which I replied:
“Yes…leak now, or forever hold your piss!”
Likewise, this is merely one of my best new ones:
“As long as you’re firing on all eight cylinders it doesn’t matter if your timing’s a little off.”
I walked in on my neighbor fucking my wife and I was like “Honey, you idiot, he doesn’t even look like me!”
We all had a good laugh about that one. Then I shot him. I think that was the funniest part.
Who’s this guy? I like him 
I have no witty remarks, as they come to me hours after the fact and are lost by my easily distracted mind within mere minutooohhh, shiny…
What?
Overheard:
“I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent”
While lying in bed with my sweetie. She said “I just wanna spoon.” I replied “But I want to fork…”
OK, this one isn’t mine, but it represents one of the biggest laughs I’ve ever got online.
I play regularly in an AOL Music Trivia chat room. There are many different formats, but the most common is that a lyric snippet is posted, and you have to identify the song it’s taken from.
One of the songs that had been used that night was “Come Back When You Grow Up, Girl” by Bobby Vee. Not long after this, one of the female regulars said, “Ohhhh, I’m not feeling well…I’m gonna have to go.”
At which point one of the others shot back “Come back when you throw up, girl.”
My Dad had a sign with the following saying:
“I consider the day a total loss unless I receive HELL from someone.”
I live by that motto, but most of the time I’m the giver not the receiver. Wouldn’t want people’s days to be a total loss, you know.
The other day I was playing Solitaire and wondering why I wasn’t winning. I checked the deck and discovered all the cards weren’t there. It was then that I had the following epihany:
When playing with oneself, it usually helps to have a full deck.
This is another old one, from when I was about 15, and I got into some real trouble for it.
I was talking to my dear aunt about some silly person I knew who was convinced that people acted crazy on the night of a full moon. On account of the fact that a full moon was the result of the moon moving closer to the earth. :rolleyes:
My aunt told me there was something to this belief, because her neighbour acted strange every full moon. “For most of the month, she’s the most pleasant person in the world,” she said, “but every full moon she goes crazy. She shouts at her husband and her kids so loud we can hear her from the next house!”
I considered that anecdote and asked, “Couldn’t that sort of behaviour be explained by a different 28 day cycle?”
Well, we’re doing a skit on drunk driving, and I get to be the one that after I’m told there’s no drinking in the house, picks up a cold one and says “I’ll be outside.”
I had two decent ones on the job today. First I encountered a pencilneck from another department making up name tags for a meeting with the home office. As I passed, I said, “Remember, if you make one for yourself, theres a “b” in dumbass.”
Later, my supervisor asked me to do something right after I had finished another large job. Wearily I said, “Your wish is my suggestion.”
Luckily my co-workers know what a smartass I am. They have such great senses of humor, they think I’m kidding 
One of my friends said “Wish I had a time machine…”
I looked at them puzzled, and said “A clock?”
…cough…
… Well I thought it was funny…
I will admit that this is not the greatest in the world, but I did make it up and I did make it up today. So, without further adieu, this is the culmination of 24 years of life:
It stinks, therefore it’s spam.
I was displaying (showing off) my baby picture at work, and cleverly remarking “See? I was a cute little devil.” when the unfunny co-worker RW tried to be funny.
RW: So, what happened? (hah-hah)(nobody else laughs)
Me: Your wife sat on my face.
In context it was funny:
“I put the ‘mental’ back in ‘developmental.’”
Also, I was sent an email entitled, "Pot smoking in a restrictive atmosphere. I titled my return message, “Or: ‘how I learned to stop worrying and love the bong.’”
Not mine, but I’m gonna say it anyway. Sue me. 
I am a member of a fantasy/sci-fi club at uni known as FAS2 (pronounced ‘fazz squared’). It is officially named FAS2 Fantasy and Science Fiction Club. It was orgininally a Fantasy and Science Ficition Appreciation Society (hence the acronym), but it was renamed due to the plethora of appreciation societies.
Anywhos, at the pre-uni-starting-again partyish thing this year the subject of the club’s name came up, and it was suggested that it be officially renamed to just Fantasy and Sci-fi Club. Someone then said that this would make the abbreviation FASC, thus making us all FASCists. Much hilarity ensued.
Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They have nothing to lose.
[sub]I got punched in the face for that![/sub]
Many a time on this board I have heard of folx spewing forth beverage, burritto and what have you.
Thanks to you, Beelzebubba, I am now initiated. 
Wish I had some wit to share, but I’ve been spending my workdays in utter solitude (gotta wonder what I did to deserve that! ;)).