You're being held captive by a madman. What fictional detective do you want on the case?

George Frankly and Kate Monday
I will get rescued and learn something too!

Ah, MathNET. How I miss you…

My top choice would be Bill Pronzini’s Nameless Detective. Tough and a real bulldog on the scent. Plus he has experience both at rescuing a kidnap victim and at being kidnapped himself.

Spenser also has a proven track record. Hawk would have to be available too if there’s a time constraint.

Travis McGee would be good, but there’d have to be some cash reward in it for him too.

I left off Elvis Cole and Pike, because they’re imaginary characters based on Spenser and Hawk.

I want Michael Weston from Burn Notice to come and get me. He’s clever, one step ahead of the bad guys and has cool sidekicks.

Sean and Gus from Psych might get me killed, but it would be so worth it just for the experience!

Nobody here reads Jonathon Kellerman? Are you in for a treat!

I’ll choose his Alex Delaware. The man knows all the quirky villains.

Definitely Mike Hammer. Not only would he rescue me, but he’d kill the bad guys in an extremely graphic fashion.

Inquisitor Orelius and his team*, going by the exact opposite reasoning other people are using. Rather than picking a small fish from a small pond, I’m going with someone who would obliterate any adversary that would be found on Earth.

*++CENSORED BY THE INQUISITION++

I’d take Nameless if paired with Marcia Muller’s Sharon McCone. They’re pretty good at solving crime together.

Arly Hanks from Joan Hess’ Maggody series. If she can find and rescue somebody stashed in an outhouse in backwoods Arkansas, all the while dealing with the inbred Buchanan clan, and have Ruby Bee serve you a fried chicken dinner, a piece of pie and a cold beer afterward, she’s the one I want looking for me.

The scooby gang; Willow does a locator spell, buffy comes in to do the saving and Bob’s your uncle :slight_smile:

The skills of a spy & a detective overlap.

And Bond is very good at hostage rescue.

My only reason to worry would be if the crazed psycho was a Hot Supermodel Crazed Psycho™.

Then, I’m doomed.

Detective Chimp

Willow cannot be trusted. That’s what “Willow Rosenberg” means. Her winsomeess does not change her essential evil. The fact that it’s suppressed and generally unacknowledged only makes it worse; it comes out almost randomly.

I’d rather have Team Angel (Angel, pre-ascension Cordelia, Wesley, Gunn, and the lovely Winifred Burkle) hunting for me. Angel’s got as much darkness in him as Willow, but at least he admits it and guards against it.

My answer changes if for some reason Willow has to rescue me in the nude. Though even then I’d rather Fred.

Jack Reacher. Ex-military police, lots of contacts, fearless and smart, to boot.

Not Nero Wolfe. If time was of the essence, his legendary sloth and unwillingness to work would be a major pitfall, even with Archie constantly tricking him into work.

His personal sense of honor would make sure that eventually he’d catch the criminal, but that wouldn’t do me much good after I was eaten.

And not even his polysyllabic pronouncements about the inappropriateness of eating me (and the poor way I was prepared) would make up for it.

I think I’d have to go with Holmes, too. Assuming he’d been brought up to date on the State of the World in 2010.

Not to mention that (to the best of my recall) every case he takes is a murder. I don’t want to qualify for his detectory attentions, thank you.

Clearly, you haven’t read the Encyclopedia Brown slash/snuff fan ficiton. :wink:

I’m going to pick the A-Team. They never, ever, lose anyone, even in the climactic battle in which thousands of rounds of ammunition are fired, at least one car does the rolling jump, and Mr. T says, “I pity da foo!” at least half a dozen times. Never mind that an actual United States Army Special Forces Operational Detachment-Alpha “A-Team” is actually two six-man groups, led by a captain or at most a major and otherwise comprised of warrant officers and sergeants, generally doesn’t have a need for a helicopter pilot in their TOE, and would probably be smarter than to run around Southern California in the most ostentatiously decorated vehicle since Starchky and Hutch and wear twenty pounds of bling and a mohawk haircut.

Stranger

But dude, they’re special! That’s why they’re called THE A-Team.

'Sides, if you throw Amy and Frankie into the mix, that does at least bring their number up to six. (Tawnia was never an official part of the team.) So you’d have sorta kinda have half of an A-Team right there.

Incidentally, I am absolutely baffled by the lack of votes for Bob, Pete, and Jupe.

Philip Marlowe or The Continental Op. Great success rates and reasonably violent.