You're just a COWARD, if you've never been married into your 50's but would like to

[Stranger_On_A_Train]

@Clu-Me-In

Tom, my point in here is that a person who would like to get married and has not done so all the way into their 50’s, may very well be so afraid of the negative consequences that they are unable to make a commitment - that is FEAR.

My cat’s breath smells like cat food.

Stranger

[Clu-Me-In]

@Magiver

No question? You left out the word “love” in your condemnation of the unmarried.

Of all the women I’ve dated there is only 1 would have married. Of all the women I would consider marrying, 2 of them are already married and I wouldn’t think of interfering with that.

I just came back from the funeral of a guy who died before his time. After seeing pictures of his youth I found myself envious of him. He is one of the few people I’ve met who understood the journey of life at an early age and was lucky enough to board that train when he did.

You, I do not envy. I wish you well on your journey.

My apologies. If it was seen as condemnation sir, I truly apologize but really, I did not intend to condemn or hurt anyone. I thought this might be an interesting subject to discuss here.

I’ll withdraw it. May I ask that the mods close or delete the subject.

[MOIDALIZE]

I’ve never been to Europe, but I would like to visit.

I’m just a COWARD.

[The_Flying_Dutchman]

@Clu-Me-In

It’s always quite amusing watching folks who have never been married do all kinds of contortions when you bring up the fact that they have managed to avoid marriage all the way into their 50’s because of plain ole FEAR.

There is no question that it has to do with FEAR ----- of commitment, failure, their abilities, etc…

.

So those unmarried people who’ve use the excuse of fear need to be labelled with a pejorative ? Sounds like that is all the OP is after. That is sooooo judgemental.

Let me bring up my own theory for many of those who marry late or not at all, straight or gay. If you are a five. six or seven and you won’t settle for less than a nine, your chance of getting hitched goes way down.

[Magiver]

@Clu-Me-In

My apologies. If it was seen as condemnation sir, I truly apologize but really, I did not intend to condemn or hurt anyone. I thought this might be an interesting subject to discuss here.

I’ll withdraw it. May I ask that the mods close or delete the subject.

Thanks for the sentiment. I didn’t think you really meant it that way. I wanted to nudge you into clarifying your position which I see you already did.

[Frank]

@Kobal2

Not sure what common law marriage is, or if it exists here in France.

Basically, it’s when a couple hold themselves out as married to the public without a religious or civil official ceremony. Requirements vary in the few states that still recognized them, but, for instance, in Colorado they are: (1) is free to contract a valid ceremonial marriage, i.e., they are not already married to someone else; (2) holds themselves out as husband and wife; (3) consents to the marriage; (4) cohabits; and (5) has the reputation in the community as being married.

Common law in the U.S. was inherited from Britain. Whatever the local equivilant of common law marriage was in France and other Catholic countries was apparently abolished by the Council of Trent.

[billfish678]

@The_Flying_Dutchman

Let me bring up my own theory for many of those who marry late or not at all, straight or gay. If you are a five. six or seven and you won’t settle for less than a nine, your chance of getting hitched goes way down.

Thats part of it.

Also consider that about half of all marriages end in divorce. I seriously doubt that many of those were fun for anybody involved.

Then, lets consider the ones that stayed married. What fraction of them are actually happy? Inertia or FEAR of the war that may become is probably a bigger motivator for many of them rather than staying in because the marriage is so blissful.

Marriage may be great when it works, but the stats certainly dont paint a rosey picture.

If you arent absolutely miserable being single and/or feel a real need to have offspring, then getting married is a risk for which the argument against is IMO about as strong as it is for.

I know the few horror stories I am well informed about certainly counteract the really good ones I know of. Hell, if I was involved in the few horror stories, murder/suicide would be a likely outcome…

[Honey6]

Clu-Me-In:

You’re just a COWARD, if you’ve never been married into your 50’s but would like to

---

It’s always quite amusing watching folks who have never been married do all kinds of contortions when you bring up the fact that they have managed to avoid marriage all the way into their 50’s because of plain ole FEAR.

There is no question that it has to do with FEAR ----- of commitment, failure, their abilities, etc…

They come up with every argument in the book about why they have never tied the knot except the plain ole fact that it is that one little or big thing within them that says; “I’m terrified… ummm…, I just can’t do it… what if X, what if Y, and did you happen to see what happened to A when he divorced B, and on and on…”

What you never once hear em saying is that there are more Mr. & Mrs. Rights currently married and living a happily ever after life that they could look at and emulate rather than always basing their arguments on the negatives. These noteworthy folks agreed to remain with each other “until death” and have done so despite all that has come their way. They have had fear but have managed to look overcome it and now see it in their rearview mirror.

Just admit it, if you’ve never married all the way into your 50’s, even though you’d love to, stop making excuses… you’re just a coward.

:rolleyes:

Trying to convince yourself of something? If not, let me clu-you-in to this: FEAR stops me from doing a lot of things, and I think it has a purpose. FEAR is not always cowardice - it also protects me from doing stupid things, detrimental to my well-being.

I’m divorced.

[Kobal2]

@Frank

Basically, it’s when a couple hold themselves out as married to the public without a religious or civil official ceremony. Requirements vary in the few states that still recognized them, but, for instance, in Colorado they are: (1) is free to contract a valid ceremonial marriage, i.e., they are not already married to someone else; (2) holds themselves out as husband and wife; (3) consents to the marriage; (4) cohabits; and (5) has the reputation in the community as being married.

Common law in the U.S. was inherited from Britain. Whatever the local equivilant of common law marriage was in France and other Catholic countries was apparently abolished by the Council of Trent.

OK, got it, then it’s close to (but a bit stricter) than what we call “concubinage” or “free union”, which was a grey area of our law until the civil union supposedly solved it. And what my two lovebirds were effectively in.
Thanks for the clarification !

[gonzomax]

Divorce is a painful and expensive process. Since more than half of marriages end in divorce ,it may be just wise not to do it. Living with someone is much better.

[corvidae]

@Kobal2

Not sure what common law marriage is, or if it exists here in France. AFAIK you’re either married (or, more recently, PACS’d, which is our totally-not-gay-marriage civil union) by your city hall, or you’re not married, period. They filed separate tax returns, had separate bank accounts, the kids were legally recognized by the father, but bore their mother’s name etc…

Essentially, while they considered themselves an exclusive couple and lived together, they voluntarily declined to make it official in any way, to leave each other the possibility of bailing at any time should the love die. I don’t know how that fits into your idea of what’s fear and what’s not. I think it’s sweet (and gutsy) myself.

I file a separate tax return, keep a separate bank account, and kept my own name and I’ve married.

The fact that they’ve never married means absolutely nothing in day to day living - I mean, “should the love die”, it’s not like the kids just evaporate because the parents played it loosey-goosey. There are strings attached one way or the other.

[Hippy_Hollow]

This OP is ridiculous. Being married is hard f**kin’ work, and it might be wise to mature and grow to a point where you’re not scrambling to understand who you are when your partner is doing the same. The people I know who have married later in life (usually after an earlier marriage) seem to be really happy.

[Fear_Itself]

@Clu-Me-In

I say fear of commitment and fear of a whole host of other things is the factor.

Explain why it is inconceivable that someone seeking marriage could reach 50 without success, due entirely to a combination of personal flaws. Some people are a perfect storm of unnappealing traits; physically unnattractive, annoying personality, intellectually stunted and financially unsuccessful, to name just a few. To the contrary, it has been my experience that such unfortunates can be utterly fearless, which comes across as desperate, yet another trait that will repel potential spouses…

[Grrr]

Boy! I smell a big ol’ heap of transference going on here.

I’m wishing this thread to the pit.

[groo]

I am nearing 50 and have never been married. I thought it was because of a myriad of issues – depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, plain old shyness, making horrendous choices in a string of LTRs and of course, fears of intimacy and of commitment, but now I realize that in fact I have only one problem – I am a coward, and it is of little use to attempt to separate, understand and overcome the various fears making up my cowardice.

Thanks to the OP for pointing this out, because it will make a meaningful difference in the way I live my life from this day forward. I’d also like to take this opportunity to apologize for any past statements or behavior of mine that might have been interpreted as an attempt to brag about or in any way justify my being single and childless well into middle age. I’d like to point out, however, that this should not be all that surprising, given that I am a coward.

[sailor]

@RedFury

So freakin’ what? Since when do people in their fifties (or 20, 30, 40, 60 or 90) have to explain to anyone the reasons for remaining unmarried?

Tell the truth. Are you a coward? Or do you just enjoy fucking different women?

[Lemur866]

@gonzomax

Divorce is a painful and expensive process. Since more than half of marriages end in divorce ,it may be just wise not to do it. Living with someone is much better.

The thing is, how does not being married help? It isn’t like if you don’t get married you won’t split up. And not being married to that person you’re living with and having sex with doesn’t make splitting up with them any more pleasant.

If you’re living with someone and sharing finances with them, you’re already joined to them at the hip. If you own a house with someone you think not being married to them will make splitting up the house and finances any easier? You think not being married to the co-parent of your children is going to make custody decisions any easier?

It isn’t divorce that’s painful. It’s the splitting up that’s painful. You can’t avoid that by chosing not to sign the piece of paper. The only way to avoid that is to not get entangled with other people. And if you’re happier living your life that way, then that’s fine. But are you really gonna be cogratulating yourself when the woman you loves walks out that door, because at least you didn’t marry her before she walked out the door?

[Miller]

Why do you keep writing “fear” in all caps?

[Voyager]

@Quartz

On the contrary. I’d love to find Miss Right and raise a family with her. But it’s almost certainly not going to happen. Fear has absolutely nothing to do with it.

Why not? You can put two words together into a sentence coherently, which makes you a better catch than a lot of men out there.

[Voyager]

@Clu-Me-In

It’s always quite amusing watching folks who have never been married do all kinds of contortions when you bring up the fact that they have managed to avoid marriage all the way into their 50’s because of plain ole FEAR.

A friend of ours got married late, and fear had nothing to do with it. She was shooting for someone with a bunch of money, so she wouldn’t have to go through a period of doing without. Thus, she met rats. When she got over this, she found a really nice guy and got married, and has been happy ever since.

I suspect some people don’t work at getting married, and expect the right mate to fall into their laps.

So, are you married?