You're making me a grandmother, and that's final!

This has been a hot topic for me for a while, but I was just watching the first episode of In Plain Sight, and one minute into it, this dialogue is exchanged

Dad: I can’t wait until you have kids and they think you’re a ridiculous old fool
Teenage Boy: Sorry to ruin your fun, but I’m not having kids
Mom: (turns around and slaps her son) Bite your tongue, you! You’re giving me grandbabies, and that’s final!

which motivated me to finally start this thread. Neither I nor my girlfriend want children. My mom not only says quite often that she wants grandchildren, but she’s already making plans and buying presents for grandchildren that are not even on the radar, and neither I (I’m 28) or my brother (who is 26) are on the verge of having any. A couple weeks ago, at a family dinner, we were having a discussion about this, where I made it clear (for at least the 10th time) that I don’t want to have children, and my mom’s response was basically “after all the time that I took raising you and making you into a fine young man, you won’t even give me grandchildren?” and my response was “no - my life, my choice. Go find your own children.” and then my brother interrupted to remind her that HE wants children someday, which fulfilled her satisfaction.

Anyway, question to all of the parents on here -

If you have a specific desire for grandchildren, do you feel it is your children’s OBLIGATION to have their own children just to fulfill that desire? If not an obligation, do you ever try to pressure them into having children just for your own benefit?

and for the adult children…have your parents pressured you to have children just to make them grandparents? Do you consider their grandparent status when deciding whether to or not to have children?

I know for a fact that my mom wishes to have grandkids one day. She loves kids, and I’m her only child. She does not pressure me, and she will eventually resign herself to not having grandkids through me if it comes to that.

I also know for a fact that my siblings’ mom (my siblings and I share a father :slight_smile: ) has wanted grandkids basically since her own kids finished college (over 10 years ago). She had even come to the conclusion that being married or having a partner didn’t matter, she just wanted grandkids.

Luckily for her, we three do want to have kids, and finally my brother married and his wife had her firstborn over a year ago, and are now expecting the second one. This has made my bro’s mom extremely happy.

I find that a bit creepy (the intense desire for a grandkid), but this is something that makes her happy, and does not really bother me (other than, you know, she asking me when will it be my turn).

My folks never pressed me to be anything but me.

I think it is my specific duty to enjoy life as best I can.

I also would be a bad father, so I think it my specific duty to consider the life and happiness of a child.

Absolutely not. “Give me grandchildren”? WTF? Seriously, my kids are not your gift!

If my mother had started down this road, I think I might have suggested she go volunteer to be a preemie snuggler at the hospital or open her own day care center if spending time with kids is so important to her.

Don’t get me wrong - I’d be overjoyed to see my kids with kids of their own someday, and I’d love more babies to snuggle, but my primary goal is to see my own kids happy, however “happy” is defined by them.

I chose my user name as a raspberry to my four grown kids, none of whom will breed for me. Forever an Auntie. Sigh. Many women my age have great-granchildren. Kids I babysat for are grandparents.

I’m fine with my kids’ decision not to have kids. I have friends who are like fusoya’s mom and who live for their grandkids. They’ve stopped being wives and mothers – their major focus is on the grandkids. Sometimes it’s welcome (free babysitting) and sometimes it’s not (grandma going to school to yell at a teacher).

My husband has grandkids and greatgrandkids. We’re both pretty meh about it. We love them, but we don’t dote. Our doting days are over.

My parents are definitely disappointed that I have not reproduced (I’m pretty sure you need a girl for that, and girls all think I’m a big stupid loser). Luckily, my sister’s been busy, which keeps the grownups distracted.

My own parents never pressured us. They already had 2 grandchildren from my older sister, though. My MIL and her biddy friends were all into the nagging and the snoopy questions. I hated that.

I told my own daughters that if they wanted to have children, that would be really nice. I also told them that a good reason to have kids is because YOU want them, and want to love them and care for them. Do NOT have them because you think I need them. I further indicated that while I would always help them and any children they chose to have, I had no particular wish to go through child-raising again.

My mother considers it rude and wrong to nag for grandchildren, so I never got that from her. In fact, she used to joke that she was leaving the country when I had children. I think she didn’t really enjoy motherhood all that much and so she didn’t wish it upon me. It turns out, though, that being a grandmother has made her the happiest I’ve seen her in years. Both my parents dote on my daughter, and they’re tickled pink that my brother and his wife are expecting another grandbaby for them in October.

My folks seem cool with the idea that I am not looking to reproduce. I got them a grandpuppy instead and they treat her like a real child. Suits me.

My mother constantly make remarks about this. To a point that it is on the verge of being rude and hurtful.

I am 30. I have an older sister that is 32 and a younger sister that is 28 (she’s married). My mother is constantly “slipping” remarks that she will never have grandkids. That when I got divorced there were tons of remarks by her.

Though at one point she made the comment that I got divorced out of spite because she wanted grandkids. I told her that when I got pregnant (it ended in an eptopic pregnancy) when I was 22, she and my father kicked me out of the house. Now she has the audacity to beg or make comments about wanting a grandchild?

It stopped her from hounding me… for now anyways.

My mom and dad have never pressured me. I think my mom would LOVE grandkids, and I think she’d be a great gramma, but no pressure. Not that I’d care - I’d just ignore her pressure.

Joe

Good grief. First of all, I don’t care if they have children. One of them does, and I’m happy for him. But I don’t know why on earth anyone wants grandchildren. This is not to say I don’t like my grandchildren, but I’m probably not a very good grandma. For one thing I don’t particularly want to babysit. I still have a kid at home. Possibly, when he’s gone, I’ll change my mind about it all.

:eek:

Ye, gods. Were you completely adverse to marrying the guy and they took exception? That’s the only reason I can think to object.

For the OP: my mom has begun the slow decline from “you should finish your education” to “if you don’t give me a grandchild, I will kill myself.” She’s currently laying money aside so she can live with us for the first three months :rolleyes:

We’re planning on kids in the misty future. Sometimes. Sometimes, the thought of eclapsia or 3am feedings or producing a drug addict freaks me out too much.

I’m the only kid, and my mom’s sisters are all grandmothers now, so she’s feeling the itch.

My mum pressured me when I was younger, but resigned herself to the fact that I was happy being childless. My brother started breeding and all was fine.

Then (at 32) I got pregnant - mum and dad have been my greatest supporters. They give both me and the kid breaks from each other and will give her a sympathetic escape while never undermining my parental authority. While she certainly wasn’t planned, the kid’s turned out to be the best and most fulfilling part of my life.

I don’t care if my kid breeds or not. I have even less desire to be a grannie than I did to be a mother. If it happens, I’ll try to be as good as my parents have been.

Hell no. I can think of a lot of words to describe that behavior and none of them are very nice. Do people not have any respect for their children?? I do.not.understand that mindset.

See Cazzle’s post. My mom was a considerate, polite person who believed that all of her children were capable of running their own lives with no interference from her. Advice, a helping hand. etc. she would very freely give. No pressure for grandchildren.

My Mum has been dropping hints for years. Now my wife and I have gotten married, the hints have gotten less subtle and are now of the “Buy a house and have kids!” variety.

Just before I got married, Dad and I had a weekend away together at the War Memorial in Canberra and got to have a great deal of Manly Talks About Manly Things That Fathers And Sons Talk About.

One of the Manly Talks was on the subject of having children, and my Dad unequivocally stated that he feels my brother and I are his greatest accomplishments in life (Yes, it made me all teary, and I’m manly enough to admit that) and while he would dearly love to be a grandfather one day, he understands that it might not happen for whatever reason and he fully supports whatever choice my wife and I make in that regard.

My Mum, on the other hand, has made it pretty clear she expects grandchildren in the next couple of years, which has led to a few instances of “Hey, look at that! A Big, Shiny Change Of Subject!” when we visit of late…

My mother never betrayed a desire for grandchildren. She always advised us not to get tied down too young, and said she found it boring when her friends gabbled on about their grandchildren. When her grandchildren finally started arriving (when my sister and I were in our mid thirties) she transformed into a stereotypical drooling grandma.

My parents have never pressured me, although I know they would like to have grandchildren someday. My in-laws have been more overt about it, though not too bad. Fortunately, my sister-in-law now has a son and a daughter. Since they were born, the pressure from the in-laws has been dialed way back.

Hell, no. My in-laws and parents would make terrific grandparents, but it’s absolutley not a factor in our decision.

It would be kind of weird if parents did not hope for their children to have children. That’s what it is all about…procreation. Sensible ‘First World’ types agree it is all about the child’s choice to reproduce though.

But at the end of the day it is natural for humans to want to see their offspring procreate.

I can say that smugly, I have a child, my 40 yr old brother does not. In saying that my mother has never nagged him…she must be anti-procreation!

All I can say is that my MIL introduces me as “the mother of my grandchildren”. :rolleyes: The best thing my SIL ever did for me was to reproduce–this sent my MIL into a tailspin and away from her obsession with my kids and now she’s all up in SIL’s business. Thank god.

I have vowed to my daughter that 1. I will never do this kind of stuff and 2. if I do, she is free to whap me upside the head with a wet trout.
I can’t see saying this kind of stuff to my kids. Sure, I’d like to be a grandma someday, but it’s not up to me. I also cannot help but think that all these pushy moms would have resented just such pushing by their mothers and MILs. jeesh.