Note: If work rants bore you, you’d better leave. However, if getting revenge and exulting in the eventual misery of others is your thing, you’re in the right place.
Dearest Dickhole:
I can understand that you’re utterly angry that it took me a whole 20 minutes to get around to creating your queue this morning on the Novell server. I mean, after all, you’re Dickhole, Computer Tech Extraordinnaire, not a lowly System Engineer. I can understand that you’re so very upset that I wouldn’t hang up on the person I was talking to, who was also waiting on a queue creation, so that I could immediately get to your issue. After all, Dickhole must be treated in a kingly manner or the world will end. But while I’m being understanding let’s go over a few facts.
**Fact #1 ** You’re an asshole. Don’t deny it, because everyone from your co-workers to your users make that observation on a near daily basis. You are thoroughly unqualified to hold a field technician position because you can’t fix any of the problems you encounter. Instead, you call the System Engineering department and have us help you over the phone, despite the fact you’ve been told not to do so, because we’re not technical support.
**Fact #2 ** You’re arrogant. Why I have no idea. You have no skills to be proud of. You have no personality to envy. You have no cloak of professionalism to wrap yourself in. You routinely act as if you don’t have the time to wait on people who, oddly enough, you’re waiting on to fix the problem you can’t yourself. So you’re not only arrogant, you’re arrogant about your ignorance.
Plus you’re fucking ugly.
**Fact #3 ** I would say that you’re stupid, but you’re not. Stupid is reserved for people who have some hope of dragging themselves out of the pit of stupidity and reaching the level of just plain ignorant, or even higher!
You’re a fucking dolt. You’re thicker than custard. I watch light bend around the black hole in your skull every time you enter my office. If you were any more blazingly dumb you would have to be handled with asbestos gloves.
[technical rant] I mean, how can you possibly beleive that if you can’t process IPX, can’t process IP, and get network driver failures every time the fucking user’s computer boots that the problem could remotely, in any circumstance imaginable, be a problem with my fucking server? Never mind the fact (but, of course, you didn’t mind it) that 3500 other users can access the server.[/technical rant]
**Fact #4 ** You are incapable of acting with maturity. When I pointed out that the person I was on the phone with had an appointment, and that the person after that had an appointment, did you seek a way to solve your delimma? No, you did not. Instead, you huffed like a schoolyard child and hung up on me.
And I, being the usually nice welby we all know and love, created your fucking queue anyway, contacted your user, and settled yet another of your service tickets for you.
**Fact #5 ** You made a grave mistake, by complaining to your supervisor about my “lack of knowledge, and lack of ability to work with you.” Ummm, idiot boy, did it occur to you that your supervisor reports to MY supervisor, who is in a much better position to evaluate my skills than you are? Did it cross your germ infected pus-bucket of a mind that my supervisor might ask ME to provide MY side of the story?
And, saving the best for last, did you fail to recall that I’m in my evaluation period and that my sysadmin calls are being recorded for evaluation and criticism? It’s one thing to shout and holler about the way you feel you were mistreated, but not if you’re going to lie about it. I mean, good lord man, how fucking dumb is that? It’s all on tape! And not just this conversation, but all of them! Every single time you’ve called and acted like an asshole is on tape!
Now, a better peson than me would let you wander around the rest of your life as a fool, bringing misery and insults wherever you go. But I’m not a better person. I’m welby, and I’m an asshole when I’m pissed. I am no longer being understanding.
My supervisor let me know that your actions were likely to get you terminated, since you’re already on everyone’s shit list, and since you find it so difficult to be civil. You’re on probation for your behavior, so what could possess you to think I’d put up with you?
My supervisor asked me to think about it overnight and decide whether I wanted to formalize my counter-complaint and send it to the IT director for action tomorrow. Can you guess what the answer will be?
Make sure you fill out the unemployment forms properly, Dickhole, or you won’t get your government cheese.
Buh-bye!
