There’s this woman in my office who is not technically savvy but she thinks she is, because I’ve written her a bunch of SQL scripts where all she does is click on it, fill in the prompt, and export it to Excel. So now she thinks she is an SQL programmer and the resident computer expert.
If I’m under someone’s desk, she’ll pop her head in to tell me, “Maybe the monitor’s broken.” Probably not, since I’m only replacing the network cable.
If I’m at someone’s computer trying to figure out why they can’t open a file, she’ll offer, “Maybe they don’t have the proper drive mapped.” Probably not, since the file is on their Windows desktop.
Today she came into my office and asked me to do something that I tried to do a year ago. It wasn’t possible then and isn’t possible now. So I told her that. “Well, it seems that you’ve gotten it to do it here.”
I tried to explain to her that the report she’s pointing to as proof that I’m lying is completely different, and is not a good comparison. “Well, I just don’t get why you can do it there but not here.”
I spent at least 20 minutes trying to reason with her until I told her to put in a helpdesk ticket and I would try again, just so she would get out of my office.
So listen to me, you ignorant pile of cockroach excrement, and listen good. You only got this job because you’re fucking my vice president, and she was able to manipulate the system so that you would be under her chain of command. That way nobody would notice that you are woefully underqualified for your job. You don’t know SQL, you don’t know Citrix, you can barely open your email, so shut the fuck up.
You’d think a computer expert such as yourself wouldn’t need to come to me begging to help you fix your computer because you clicked on another “Click here!!! You are a winner!!!” banner ad and have infested your computer with spyware. Then again, since you’re so technically savvy, I can just tell you to go download Ad-Aware and Spybot and you can run them yourself, saving us both time. But no, you’d rather I come do it. Why? Because you’re a worthless douchebag, so shut the fuck up.
Another thing. Just because you’re fucking my boss, you don’t get to come marching into my office with orders for me. You can follow the same procedures as everyone else. You can send in an email to the support wizard and get a trouble ticket opened just like every other employee in this company. Otherwise, your “urgent task” might just slip into the abyss that is my desk and get forgotten, until you come marching back in with my boss to ask me why I never did it. You’re not my boss, so shut the fuck up.
One of these days, I may just happen to find myself at one of our company’s social gatherings talking to a person from HR. I may “accidentally” let it slip that you and my boss live together, which is a violation of our HR policies. Of course, that would get my boss fired as well, which I’d really rather not happen any time soon. But if I’ve had a few beers, my tongue just may be looser than we would like.