[QUOTE=twickster]
…I can tell you know exactly what it means to kind of worry about your brother, but to lack the emotional connection with him to really, really care. Sucks, don’t it?
[/QUOTE]
Yup. It does.What I’ve quoted above from your post pretty much describes the relationship between me and my brother. Just zero emotional connection.
It’s like he wasn’t there. So you are definitely not the only one experiencing this.
By pure coincidence, it’s coming up to a year since the last time I spoke to my brother when we weren’t both visiting Mom; last June he was hospitalized overnight for an eye operation, and spent the night at my place the day he was discharged. (The operation was successful, thank heaven.) That’s the most contact we’ve had with each other since I moved out of the family home twenty years ago.
We see each other at Mom’s on birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas; otherwise we pretty much ignore each other’s existence. We never really got along, so it may be just as well. Does he have any friends? I have no idea. Will we see each other even that often when Mom is no longer here? I’m doubtful.
Anyway, you’ve got company, twickster.
My older brother is my best friend (besides my Wife). He’s a loner, but so am I so I sort of understand it.
Our family is small. Mom and Dad are divorced, but cordial. Dad lives right next door to my bro, and my mom is about 15 minutes away. I’m 100 miles away.
A couple of years ago, my Mom quit claimed a house to my brother. He agreed to pay $1000 a month. That’s what he said he could afford. It was a ‘handshake’ loan.
He then mortgaged the place to the hilt and bought toys. Sigh. Pissed my Mom off a bit as she had struggled for 25 years to buy the house.
Now, what my brother does with his new found money is up to him. But, he has found chat rooms and other places for girl friends. The last six he has brought into the family have been absolute tramps (nicest think I can say about any of them). He moved 3 (one at a time thank god) into his house. And has since burned through pretty much all of his new found equity.
Long story short, my Mom called him on the money and the sluts he brings into his life. Now my brother won’t talk to our 77 year old mother. It’s been about 8 months. Every time I talk to my Mom, she asks about him and ends up crying.
I’ve tried three times to talk to my bro about this, I wrote a 2 page letter to him trying to explain our Moms position (he won’t even open anything from our Mom) but he is as stubborn as he is bad with money and girlfriends.
I’ve ended up telling him that I’m ashamed of him and that he will not forgive himself if he does not try to fix his relationship with Mom. I told him I would not forgive him either.
I’m very very pissed at him. To the point of cutting him loose. But my Mom has begged me to not leave him in the dust the way he has abandoned the rest of the family.
It gets complicated. My Dad lives right next door to my bro. And my Dad can barely drive to the store.
And my Dad is a hoarder. I just spent a weeks vacation cleaning out my Dad’s house. I almost got it looking like a human lived there. He won’t let my brother do it. Since I live 100 miles away, he allows me to clean (got a 20 yard roll off dumpster for it a couple of weeks ago) since it’s a special trip that I plan for.
My brothers house (that was quit claimed to him by Mom), is the perfect base for me when I do this sort of stuff. It’s neat as a pin.
My Moms house is too small for my Wife and I and our two dogs to stay in when we visit.
My brothers house allows me to see my non-driving father very easily. My Mom always used to come down to my bros house while I was there for BBQ’s and visiting. She is still a good driver. Now she is not welcome.
I’m completely in the middle. And there does not seem to be anything I can do. It sucks. I think about it every day. My brothers childishness has already made my Mom’s life hell.
And it looks like I’ve got a hand basket for myself. I have some hard decisions to make. I’ll never, never out stubborn my brother, my best friend. But I cannot let this continue.
Yikes, enipla, that’s … damn. I can’t even imagine. Sending good vibes your way.
[QUOTE=twickster]
Yikes, enipla, that’s … damn. I can’t even imagine. Sending good vibes your way.
[/QUOTE]
Thanks twickster. I didn’t mean to hi-jack the thread, but I’ve been thinking about writing the SDMB about this for quite some time. Lord knows I’ve written enough about just for my own sanity.
I’m at work now and starting to cry, so I best be moving on.
enipla why won’t your Brother help your dad keep a clean house. If he is unwilling to help either parent then he seems like he has allready left the family, maybe he is just evil and selfish?
Bippy,
I don’t know. He tries. He also does other things for my Dad. My dad is a HORRIBLE procrastinator, and never does what he says he will. It’s nearly impossible to get my father to allow any of us to do it.
The last time, I set a date. It was sufficiently far enough in the future that he agreed. Knowing that I was traveling and taking a week off of work made it difficult for him to say no.
My brother has acted like this before. I don’t know, he gets childish and pouty when you try to discuss it. That’s if he will even listen to you and doesn’t just leave.
They both screwed up in my opinion. Originally, my Mom quit claimed the house to him for about 2/3s the value INTEREST FREE. When she saw him go on his buying spree, she got angry and upped the price and is now charging a whopping 2% on the remainder of the loan. This lengthens the loan period for 4 years. It’s still an absolutely fantastic deal for my brother.
He should never had agreed to the first deal anyway.
It’s so hard to have your 77 year old mother to start to cry every time you talk.
I’m getting all emotional again, I may be back later.
I think this subject has come up before, but I’ve found since I’ve been married and gained a whole set of in-laws, I have a built-in support system. The first people I call in a crisis are my BILs.
So, my family is my friend, and my friends are my family. I really don’t have time to cultivate any relationships outside family. For me, it’s enough.
Not sure if you meant to post that in this thread, or ‘Do you really not have friends’ thread. But it applies.
I love my family in law. But they are 1500 miles away. And have their own issues to deal with.
My Wife is very frustrated by the situation with my brother. In her family, if they have a disagreement, they hash it out, yell if need be and get over it and go to dinner. It’s a much larger family than mine.
If I had to pull out the big guns, I would sic my MIL on my brother. Heh.
But, my brother would never respond to that. His way of approaching relationship problems is to clam up and ignore it. He’s exceedingly good at being stubborn.
My small family really all need each other. My Mother has asked, even pleaded with me to not cut my brother lose.
So.
My brother may be stubborn, but I am persistent. And consistent.
One thing my brother and I have in common is that when there is a job to do, you do it. We have always helped each other. Just do it. Nikes got nothing on us.
We can’t help it. That’s the way our Mother raised us.
I don’t see an easy way to fix this. I will be spending a lot of time on the road this summer, ignoring the projects I need to get done at my house, helping my Mom and Dad. It will cost me quite a bit.
Someone has to do it.
So. I just talked to my Mom, Dad and Brother. I’ll drive 200 miles this weekend to replace a sprinkler head at my Mom’s house and look at the swamp cooler at my Dad’s (it no longer works).
Sorry to say, but my plan is to guilt my brother into doing things. He knows that I am building an addition on my house, and have a very small weather window to do it.
My dear Wife is training for a tri-atholon, and will be busy this weekend anyway. She thinks it’s a good idea for me to go down. We will be going down next weekend as well for a sprint tri-atholon. And staying at my bros house.
My bro loves me, but I suspect he will get tired of having company every weekend this summer, while I bitch about not being able to work on my own house. If I talk to him at all.
Since my brother has abandoned our family, his house is gonna turn into a hotel for my Wife and I, and our dogs, because he won’t help for little tiny shit (he can do all of it and more), I have to drive 200 miles to help our mother and father.
If he wants a very pissed off brother and sometimes a SIL staying in his house every weekend this summer, so be it.
It’s time for him to deal with it.
The latest:
Got an envelope from him today, addressed to (formal version of first name), which I don’t think he’s ever called me in his life – I’m always (standard nickname) or (shortened version of standard nickname) to my family and friends.
In the envelope, an invitation to my niece’s (his daughter’s) HS graduation, with a handwritten note:
I look at the engraved invitation.
The ceremony is … tomorrow. In DC. Which is 150 miles away.
Sigh.
Wow.
Are you at all close to your niece? Would she have expected you to be there?
[QUOTE=Misnomer]
Wow.
Are you at all close to your niece? Would she have expected you to be there?
[/QUOTE]
No. And no.
But still…
sigh.