Pickles and relish on a cheeseburger? That’s just inhumane to all things good and tasty. Whoever decided to unleash this blight upon all sane and innocent palates needs to be placed in front of a trough of rancid potted meat and forced to chew until their teeth are worn down.
So what do you put on it, mayonnaise? Eeww…!
How odd… I put both pickles AND mayo on my burger… Hold the relish please though.
Sliced tomato, lettuce, spicy mustard, and one of either {Italian dressing, ranch dressing, barbecue sauce, ketchup, taco seasoning}. Depends on the mood. Never mayo. Never.
Well, I’ll put pickles OR relish, but not both - since they’re basically the same thingy. 
Grill your burger and toast your bun.
Spread a verrrry thin layer of mayonaise on the bottom bun, add an even dusting of fresh ground black pepper, then gently place the hot, juicy hamburger patty on it.
Top the burger with lettuce, tomatoes, thinly-sliced fresh onion, then the top bun.
Banish the ketchup to the landfill.
You will never eat a burger any other way again.
hamburger with plenty of pepper mixed in,
bleu cheese
bacon
mayonnaise
sesame roll
That is all.
(I confess I was relieved to see the OP. That title just screams TMI.)
On a cheeseburger:
Ketchup
Mustard
Minced Onions
SOMETIMES tomato and lettuce.
YUM!!!
YUCK! yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck!!
You people eat HAMBURGER!?!?!?!?!?! blech!
I’m a big fan of the garbageburger, myself. Whatever I can find goes on it.
A LifeOnWry hamburger:
Grill burger to medium well.
Place on the bottom of a poppy-seed bun.
On the top of the bun, spread mayonnaise and ketchup.
Next add lettuce, tomatoes, onions.
Close bun.
Open bun, remove hamburger patty and discard.
Close bun and eat what’s left.
Pickles and relish? that’s just pickles and chopped pickles as far as I’m concerned.
Salad dressings on burgers: yuck (or yucque, in the original French). I don’t put ketchup on my salad, do I?
Exgineer, preach on, brother. If one is going to have lettuce and tomato on a burger, mayo is the only way to go.
Well, when I have the rare opportunity to eat at Fatburger I usually have an egg on my burger, along with pickles. No relish though, that is yucky.
Pickles? Relish? Yuckerooni. That stuff isn’t food. It’s embalming fluid with chunks.
dreamer, I envy you. I was graced by the presence of a Fatburger near my hotel when I stayed in Las Vegas, and I took great pleasure in walking down (and observing the wildlife on The Strip :)) and feasting upon the perfect diner burger (as opposed to the perfect fast-food burgers served up by In-N-Out :D) while listening to the perfect music: Old Rhythm and Blues, straight out of my fondest memories, playing on a jukebox. I ate amazing burgers there, with tomatoes crisp enough to cut you and onions fragrant enough to make the walls cry.
However, if I ever ate a burger with eggs on it, I do believe my arteries would collectively reach up and throttle me.
(This notwithstanding the egg-stuffed porkchops I ate on vacation in Vienna.)
Hold the godamned phone right there.
You put fucking Ranch dressing on a burger?!? What are you, communist?
Ranch dressing goes on salad. Nothing else.
Blecch!!
Mmmmmm… Burger…
Chili, mustard, bbq slaw on a toasted bun.
Hell, salad is the only thing I don’t put ranch on. Best is french fried with a side of ranch dip.
Aha, but have you had a burger with beetroot on it ? 
mmmm yummy