Commandos are behind the lines on a mission and get lost. They end up in a bar, where they are mistaken for the band. They have to go on stage and sing (badly) some old Russian songs. Drunken Russian troops are singing along badly and crying into their vodka.
When the real band shows up, the commandos are chased by the drunken Russians, the band, and several other units in a variety of tanks, other vehicles, etc. The commandos drive around feverishly with no idea where they’re going, until they lead the column of chasing Russians right into an ambush, where they and their equipment is all captured. Great praise for them ensues.
Bonus if our commando guys sing “Rawhide” at some point.
No reason we can’t do both. It will be a long-running show.
There’s also the gag where they walk into a bar only to discover everyone there is a Russian soldier. The music stops and everyone turns to look at them.
Add a scene with Russian troops lecturing Ukrainian civilians from a bridge about how they are being manipulated by the EU.
The team hits the gas to cross the bridge and the whole bunch of Russian troops go over the edge into the drink.
I’m not sure which Russian oblast would correspond figuratively to Illinois, but that where those Russian troops should hail from. The tagline is obvious.
And of course various street signs get mixed up until the topper, “Well, if they’re not going to Russia, and they’ve not coming to us, where are those documents/refugees/escaped prisoners going?” Cut to a sign reading POLISH BORDER.
Using the patented Mission Impossible No One Can Tell It’s Just A Rubber Mask, one of the commandos tries to masquerade as Putin and shows up at the front lines. Senior Russian officers immediately recognize he’s an imposter, having seen Putin and knowing he isn’t 6’ 1". Chaos ensues as the commandos beat a hasty retreat.
Then the real Putin shows up for a surprise visit. The ordinary Russian troops, never having seen Putin in person, can’t believe that little guy is their exalted leader, and attack him. Chaos ensues again as Putin beats a hasty retreat.
This is, of course, all happening at the same time, leading the Two Putins to meet face-to-face in a bombed out hallway. Real (short) Putin looks at Fake (tall) Putin, and declares “My god! It’s a perfect likeness!”
You have a Russian tank cresting a berm and exploding just as it starts to descend. Cut smoothly to one of the Zeros in an unrelated location (some ruined building, holding a broken rifle) saying I just don’t understand what happened. Then some troops running through heavy machine gun fire cutting to a Zero walking through forest looking around, We left it around here somewhere. This theme continues for about 5 pairs of scenes, perhaps putting the actors’ names under the clips of them being befuddled. Then a narrow blue line comes in from the left middle of the screen while a yellow line comes across from the right and they expand vertically with the title in transparent negative space.
It would be best if the befuddlement clips were varied for every episode.
Have every episode conclude with a senior official reporting to Putin on the day’s “progress” and giving a very carefully worded description of events.
We’ll cast the best-looking Ukrainian we can find as a partially-dressed HVAC repairman who shows up every episode and says, “I’m just here for fan service.”
Every sitcom needs a running gag. The last one only reveals itself in the last scene, when our heroes head to a recently liberated bar, unfortunately without their weapons (for reasons). As they lead the patrons in the national anthem, a group of tough, armed Wagnerites climb onto the stage and surround them. As silence descends on the crowd, the Russians burst into “Ukraine has not yet perished.”
PS - How ya gonna beat a people whose national anthem is called “we ain’t dead yet”?
One of the Zeroes is captured but not killed on the spot because none of the orc guns work. In the small cell (or whatever) where he’s being held, he discovers a tunnel the last prisoner dug. His captors see his plumber’s crack disappear into the dirt, and of course follow him. American journalists call him “the Ukrainian Sgt. York.”
Someone save this thread and leave it to your grandchildren in your will, saying that developing a show is a condition of receiving the rest of their inheritance.
The commandos, on the run, take shelter in someone’s home. While there, they undertake to help the homeowner with a problem in their laundry room. Then the Russian squad arrives in pursuit and everyone in the house flees. The Russians eye the washing machine and undertake to steal it, but the repair that the commandos attempted was poorly executed, which causes the entire house to explode in flames, killing the Russian squad. One of the commandos, watching the house burn, says was your insurance paid up?
They rig a washing machine as a booby trap, and place it somewhere to tempt the Russians to steal it.
But when the Russians see it, they get into a huge argument about who gets to steal this one. One guy complains that he never gets any of the good stuff, and a fight ensues, which escalates to a full-on firefight in which all the Russians die. We keep teasing one Russian or another getting almost close enough to trigger the booby trap, but never quite close enough, and the commandos are all watching tensely, “Come on Ivan, this time, this time for sure…rats!”
“Goddamn it, now we have to disarm our own booby trap…”
And there’s just a cutaway scene of the Russians finding another washing machine, only to open it and for another Russian to climb out from inside. “Why were you in there?” “Don’t ask.”