Monty Python`s LOTR

Cafe Society
1

Gandalf:
To the bridge of Khazad-Dum!

Gimili {breaking into song}
We are the dwarves of Moria
We dig for gold, not scoria
If youre an elf And up yourself Then odds on well abhor ya.

Legolas:
We are the elves of Rivendell
By macho dwarves were given ell
With chartreuse tights
And blonde highlights
In forest glades we live and dwell

Boromir:
We are stern Lords of Minas
Tirith {though short one Highness}
Were fierce and proud We toot horns loud And dont suffer from shyness

Ringwraiths:
We are nine pallid Nazgul
Who dress in black, and as you`ll
Have no doubt guessed
We seldom jest
And find Led Zep, not jazz cool.

Gandalf:
Let us not go to the bridge of Khazad-Dum. For it is a silly place.
We find Led Zep, not jazz cool

2

Bridge Keeper: Stop! He who wishes to cross the Bridge of Khazad-Dum must answer me these questions three ere the other side he see.

Gandalf: Ask the questions! I am not afraid!

BK: What is your name?

Gandalf: Gandalf!

BK: What is your quest?

Gandalf: The overthrow of Sauron

BK: What is your favorite color?

Gandalf: Grey! No, White! Ahhhhhhh! (He is thrown into the Pits of Moria with a Balrog.)

3

Bravo! Encore!

:slight_smile:

RR

4

[Fellowship at the gates of Moria]

ARAGORN: There! Look!

MERRY: What does it say?

PIPPIN: What language is that?

GANDALF: It reads “Here may be found the last words of Durin the Deathless: ‘He who is valiant and pure of spirit may pass through the Gates of Aaaaaaaagggghhh…’”

ARAGORN: What?

GANDALF: “The Gates of Aaaaaaagggghhh.”

FRODO: What is that?

GIMLI: He must have died while carving it.

LEGOLAS: Oh, come on!

GANDALF: Well, that’s what it says.

BOROMIR: Look, if he were dying, he wouldn’t bother to carve “Aaaaaaagggggh!” He’d just say it!

GANDALF: Well, that’s what’s carved in the rock.

SAM: Perhaps he was dictating.

ARAGORN: Well, does it say anything else?

GANDALF: No. Just “Aaaaaaagggghhh.”

GIMLI: “Aaaaaagggggh.”

BOROMIR: “Aaaaaggggghhh.”

ARAGORN: Do you suppose he meant Aaaaaaahhhhrnor?

PIPPIN: Where’s that?

ARAGORN: Up in the North, I think.

LEGOLAS: Isn’t there an Aaaaaaaadoras in Rohan?

ARAGORN: No, that’s Edoras.

LEGOLAS: Oh, Eeeeeehhhhdoras.

FRODO: Ooooooh! OOooooohhh!

GIMLI: No, “Aaaaaaaagggghhh.” At the back of the throat – Aaaaaaaaggghhh.

FRODO: No, no, no – “Oooooooh,” in surprise and alarm.

GIMLI: Oh, you mean sort of an “Aaaaaaaahhh!”?

FRODO: Yes, but I-- aaaaaaahhh!

SAM: Ooooooh!

LEGOLAS: Ai! Ai!

FRODO: It’s the Watcher in the Water of – aaaaahhh! (The Watcher tries to eat him, and Sam slashes at it)

ARAGORN: Run away!

ALL: Run awaaaaaay! Run awaaaaay!

NARRATOR: As the hideous beast lunged forward, escape for the Fellowship seemed impossible. Then suddenly the animator suffered a fatal heart attack.

ANIMATOR: Ulk!

NARRATOR: The cartoon peril was no more. The quest to destroy the One Ring could continue.

5

If you enjoy Monty Python and have read the Silmarillion, check out the story entitled “Monty Python’s 15 Minute Silmarillion”, posted in the fan fiction section of TheOneRing.net. Same gags, different Tolkien book (and very funny)!

6

Balrogs
We Balrogs once were Maia.
When we meet we just say “Hiya!”
But don’t you ax
What’s on our backs;
if you do we’ll just destraia.

<Nifty dance break, ending with servant being hit on head.>
RR

7

Frodo: Hello, Miss?
Elrond: What do you mean, “miss”?
Frodo: I’m sorry, I was wounded by a Nazgul. I wish to make a complaint!
Elrond: We’re closing for the Third Age.
Frodo: Never mind that. I wish to complain about the wizard that I picked up not a month ago right here at Rivendell.
Elrond: Oh yes, the Norwegian Gray. What’s wrong with it?
Frodo: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it – he’s dead!
Elrond: No, no, he’s just… wrestling a Balrog.
Frodo: Look, I know a dead Wizard, and this one’s dead. Look: GANDALF! LEAF-WEED!
Elrond: No, he’s stunned from the Balrog. Look, great fireworks, nice gray cloak… I understand they’ve been known to turn White! He’s probably just… pining for the Vaiar.
Frodo: PINING for the VAIAR!!! He’s not pining, he’s passed on! This wizard is no more! He has ceased to be! He’s expired and gone to the blessed shores! He’s stiff! Bereft of life! Pushing up the Athelas! His magic is now stage! He’s kicked the bucket, shuffled off this mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the invisible choir!! This is an EX-WIZARD!!!
Elrond: Well, I’d better replace it, then.
Gandalf the White: I’m not dead yet!
Frodo: Yes you are.
Gandalf: No I’m not.
Frodo: Can you come back in a few minutes? He’ll definitely be dead then.
Elrond: No, you’ll have to take him now. Besides, we’re already into a different gag.

8

Saruman

Saruman am I, and quite dour.
I fought with ol’ Gandalf for power.
Then I hit him right here
with my trusty palantir,
and now he’s on top of my tower.

9

Cram, cram, cram, cram,
cram, cram, cram, cram,
<repeated ad nauseam>
I don’t like cram!
RR

10

“I fart in your general direction,” Saruman sneered from the balcony.

“We are the Elves of NI,” Celeborn intoned.
“This place needs some shrubbery,” Frodo observed.

“What’s it say?” Merry asked, looking at the door.
“What is the air velocity of an unladen Nazgul?” Gandalf read.

“Run away, Run away. It’s the Killer Rabbit of Moria!” Gandalf shouted

11

Oh - I’m a hobbit and I’m OK
I sleep at night and I work all day
I’ve got hairy feet, I’m not real tall
My house it has round doors
I put on traveller’s clothing
and hang around with dwarves…

[ok - lousy rhyme, but I’m working on an empty stomach!]

12

“Oh, and don’t say “Elbereth” to Mr. Gollum, or he’ll put a bag on his head and I’ll have to stand in the tea chest. Other than that, he’s perfectly normal, really.”

Frodo: I didn’t expect the Black Riders.
Nazgul: NOBODY expects the Black Riders!

13

LMAO…I love it… But there’s a small problem… Legolas isn’t from Rivendell…he’s from Lothlorien… Other than that…awesome…

14

Voice: Picture for Schools, take eight.
DIRECTOR: Action!

::::Camera pulls back to show a Famous Historian::::

Historian: Defeat at the Mines of Moria seems to have utterly disheartened Frodo. The ferocity of the Orcs taunting took him completely by surprise, and Frodo became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the One Ring were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Frodo, having consulted the rest of the Fellowship, decided that they should separate and search for the Ring individually. [clop clop clop] Now, this is what they did: Aragorn–

::::a black rider races past, sword drawn::::

Black Rider: Aaaah!
[slash, Knight kills Historian]

Historian’s Wife: Frank!

15

Gandalf/Mithrandir
How I’m missing yer
You’re the maia of my dreams
With your fiery staff and your witty laugh
and your hobbit-endangering schemes

I know that people say, “Hey, that’s not fair.
If he’s got that much power, let’s just end the tale right there!”
Gandalf/Mithrandir
How I’m missing yer
and wishing you were here

16

He’s not from Lothlorien either. He’s originally from Mirkwood.

17

Frodo: Look, strange dark lords hanging out in lava filled mountains distributin’ golden rings is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical volcanic ceremony!

Galadriel : We are 150 elven maidens, all between the ages of 16 and 19 1/2, alone here in the land of Lothlorien. And there is only one punishment for setting alight the One Ring Shaped Beacon. You must spank us all ! Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!

Frodo: Well… I guess I could stay a bit longer!

Aragorn: You stupid brute. I’ve chopped your head off!
uruk-hai: No you haven’t… It’s merely a flesh wound! Have at you!

Boromir (hit by arrows): Message for you, sir…!

18

ROFLMAO! I’ve come up with a few … mine all reference “Holy Grail.”

Five Rings for the Elven Kings, under the sky …
“Three, sir, three!”

“What is your name? What is your quest? What have I got in my pocket?”

Sam: Rivendell!
Merry: Rivendell!
Pippin: Rivendell!
Aragorn: It’s only a model.

“If Galadriel weighs the same as a duck … she’s made of mallorn wood …”
“And therefore … ?”
“An elf-witch!”

Boromir: Who are you, then?
Aragorn: I am Aragorn, King of Gondor
Boromir: I didn’t vote for you.
Aragorn: You don’t vote for kings.
Boromir: Well how’d you become king then?
Aragorn: The Sword that was Broken was passed down to me, signifying that I, by the blood of Numenor, would be king.
Boromir: That’s no way to run a government! Supreme executive power comes from a mandate of the masses, not some useless antique!

“Bring forth the Light of Earendil!”
“How does it work?”
“Consult the Red Book of Westermarch!”
“And Galadriel held the Light of Earendil on high, saying, bless this they perfume bottle, that with it we might see in dark places when all other lights go out. And the hobbits feasted on the breakfast cereals, and the second breakfast, and the dandelions, and the mushrooms, and in fact cleaned out the larders of all their neighbors …”

19

::Sam and Frodo stand at the edge of a pit of lava. Gollum runs out of nowhere and bites of Frodo’s finger but falls in to the pit.

SAM: He’s bitten your finger off!

FRODO: No he hasn’t.

SAM: Yes he has, look.

FRODO: It’s just a flesh wound.

20

(Love the song, Pupshaw – now I’ll have the Henry Kissinger song in my head all afternoon, though!)

GANDALF: Make sure the Ring doesn’t leave this house until I come and get it.
FRODO: Not … to leave the house … even if you come and get it.
GANDALF: No. Until I come and get it.
SAM: Hic.
FRODO: Until you come and get it, we’re not to enter the house.
GANDALF: No … You stay in the house and make sure the Ring doesn’t get stolen.
FRODO: … and you’ll come and get it.
SAM: Hic.
GANDALF: That’s right.
FRODO: We don’t need to do anything, apart from just stop it coming into the house.
GANDALF: Leaving the house.
FRODO: Leaving the house … yes.
GANDALF: Got it?
SAM: Hic.
FRODO: Er … if … we … er …
GANDALF: Yes?
FRODO: If we … er … (trying to remember what he was going to say)
GANDALF: Look, it’s simple. Just stay here and make sure the Ring doesn’t leave this house!.
SAM: Hic.
GANDALF: Right?
FRODO: Oh, I remember … can it … er … can it leave the house with us?
GANDALF: (carefully) No … keep it in here … and make sure it doesn’t …
FRODO: Oh, yes! We’ll keep it in here, obviously. But if it had to leave, and we were with it…
GANDALF: No … just keep it in here.
FRODO: Until you, or anyone else …
GANDALF: No, not anyone else - just me.
FRODO: Just you …
SAM: Hic.
FRODO: Get back.
GANDALF: Right.
FRODO: Okay. Fine. We’ll remain here until you get back.
GANDALF: And make sure it doesn’t get stolen.
FRODO: What?
GANDALF: Make sure it doesn’t get stolen.
FRODO: The Ring … ?
GANDALF: Yes … make sure …
FRODO: Oh yes, of course! I thought you meant him! (he points to Sam and laughs to himself) You know it seemed a bit daft me havin’ to keep him when he’s a Hobbit…
GANDALF: Is that clear?
SAM: Hic.
FRODO: Oh, yes. That’s quite clear. No problems.

Gandalf pulls open the door and makes to leave the room. Sam and Frodo follow.

GANDALF (to the Hobbits): Where are you going?
FRODO: We’re coming with you.
GANDALF: No, I want you to stay here and make sure the Ring doesn’t leave the house until I get back.
FRODO: Oh, I see, right.

Gandalf goes out and slams the door. The Ring begins to whisper seductively. The door flies open, the whispering cuts off and Gandalf pokes his head in.

GANDALF: And no corrupting!
SAM: Hic.
GANDALF: (as he goes out.) Oh, go and get a glass of water.