Today has been a roller coaster. I’ve located my biological father.
He and my mother divorced when I was very small. She remarried, my stepfather adopted me and gave me his name. I love my stepfather and consider him to be my “real” dad. Nothing will change that.
None-the-less, I’ve always wondered about my biological father. My mother hates him and would/has never given me any information. It was a very bitter divorce, from what I’ve gathered. She will not talk about it.
I’ve been poking around for information for as long as I can remember. This morning, I came across a name online. The name was right. His age was right. The location seemed right. My heart pounded and my head spun. I couldn’t decide what to do. There is an email address, but it seems to be a family email account. I don’t want disrupt the lives of his wife (I know he’s gotten remarried. I vaguely remember being in the wedding.) and his children.
Having no idea what to do next, I called my mom. I told her I was going to contact this man. At first she was upset, but in the end, she admitted that I had found the right guy. I did some further research and found that he is a police detective. I looked up his work number. If/When I contact him, I think I’ll call him there. My mother told me he has two daughters. I don’t want to call him at home, or send an email that they might intercept.
I’m really scared. I want to talk to him. Then again, I’m afraid to. What if he doesn’t want to talk to me? What do I say? He signed away his rights to me. Maybe he doesn’t want any contact with me. If he is still married to the same woman, she remembers me. I was, after all, in their wedding.
I’m totally at a loss. I don’t know what to do. Anybody have any thoughts?
Well, that’s true. I know I probably WILL call. Him being a jerk is one of the things that I’m afraid of, though. My mother clearly doesn’t like him. I don’t know the details, but he did push her down the stairs when she was pregnant with me. This is, of course, only her side of the story. And she hasn’t told me diddly-squat other than that little anecdote.
I am from the other side of the equation; I didn’t see my daughter from the age of two till the age of 14. She told her mother she was going to call me and after some resistance, (very bitter seperation, her mother left to another state, cut off all contact), my daughter got a hold of me.
It was the Best, I am so glad she did it.
Yes it was hard at first, clumsy and nervous on both sides, but the reward is worth it.
Thanks, foolonthehill. I’m very glad that there is a possibility of him actually wanting to talk to me. I haven’t seen or heard from him in 22 years though. He’s a detective, for cryin’ out loud. Surely, if he had wanted to find me, he could have. Not to mention that he gave up his parental rights in the first place. Based on that info, do I even have a right to contact him? Would I just be intruding on his possibly very happy life?
The biggest question still remains- WHAT DO I SAY?
“Hi Papa. This is Jes. Remember me?”
“Remember your first child? That would be me.”
“Hello, Mr. Blank-itty-blank. My name is Jes. I’m your daughter. How’s it hangin’?”
Snoopy, did you find him or vice versa? What did you say to him? How did you start the first conversation? Were you scared? Do you have siblings? If you do, how did they react?
Of course you have a right to contact him - he’s your biological father. It’s possible that he never contacted you because that was the arrangement at the time of your parents’ divorce.
There is the possibility that he is an absolute jerk and may not want you in his life. But that is his issue and has nothing to do with you.
Even if he’s happy to hear from you, dont expect it to go smoothly right away. He may have images of you which have nothing to do with who you really are, and he may not want to give those up right away.
I contacted my biological father after many years’ lack of contact, and in my case it didnt go well, but that was because of my father’s own issues. I am still very glad I did it, because it helped me to see that his absence in my life was because of him, and not because of any failings on my part. It also helped me to get a more rounded picture of myself (some personality traits are inherited), and like SnoopyFan said, it can be helpful for the medical history.
Perhaps you could start out by just asking him for health information from his side of the family? Any genetic diseases that show up, or whether heart disease, cancer, or the like are common. It’s a very legitimate, non-personal reason for contacting him, and it’ll give a topic for discussion while both of your brains are just going “Holy CRAP!”
Scarlet (Very cool username, btw), the medical history is indeed one of my prime motivators for contacting him. d_redguy and I will probably be starting our family in the next few years, and I think that kind of thing is important.
I know that if he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me, it won’t be any fault of mine. Knowing and feeling are different matters, of course. I feel as though he rejected me once. I’m not sure how well I’ll deal with it a second time.
elfbabe, that’s avery good suggestion. I probably will try to use that as a conversation starter. What I’m really having difficulties with is the opening “line.” Introducing myself, etc.
I always knew where he was because my mother kept in touch with his mom (my grandmother) after the divorce. Mom terminated his parental rights but I always had the option of meeting him but chose not to as I was growing up.
Friday night when I saw him for the first time we were with my grandparents which really took the pressure off. I assume I said “hi” and he said “damn you’re a good lookin’ woman; you look like your daddy.” We sat around all weekend with various relatives and shot the breeze. We didn’t talk about anything deep. Just surface chit chat. I suppose the deep things will come in time.
Yes, I was scared but I knew I was doing the right thing.
No siblings.
If you can find a go-between, do so. Would your mom be willing to give your dad a call and tell him that you want to meet him so don’t be surprised when you give him a call at work sometime soon?
hyperjes:
I can speak only for myself of course, but when a bitter, angry seperation is new it is very difficult for the left out parent to participate. Later that parent may feel guilty and embarrassed that so much time has gone bye. They may actually be afraid of what you’ll feel about them. They, after all are fallible humans too.
And yes, awkward is the operative word initially.
No, Snoopy, there is no one to act as mediator. My mother hates him with the fiery passion of a crusader and has even forbidden me to mention her name to him. All of my ties to that side of my biological family were severed when my mother remarried. I don’t even know anyone who used to know him. So it will have to be me who makes the initial call.
Youre quite right, hyperjes, knowing and feeling are very different. Does your stepdad know about you wanting to contact your biological father? Is he supportive? That could be a big help if things dont go well.
If it were me, I would probably want to have somebody in the room with me when I made the call. But thats just me.
As for a first line, how about, “Hi, this is Jes, your daughter from your first marriage. How are you?” I really doubt he will have forgotten you, no matter how much of a jerk he turns out to be.
And as far as your mother’s story of him pushing her down the stairs (yowsah!), hopefully he’s learned something since then, or his current wife probably wouldnt have stayed with him so long (let’s hope).
When would you call him, if you call? I’ll be crossing my fingers for you.
Scarlet, my stepdad has no idea that I’m planning on contacting my bio dad. He and my mother are actually going through a messy divorce of their own, at the moment. (Mom has her own issues.) I didn’t want to complicate life any further for him. I figure I’ll talk to him about it AFTER I make the call, since I’ll have a better grasp of the situation. If I don’t think I’ll ever pursue a relationship with my biological father, I may not tell him at all.
My stepdad has already told me that he’ll always be my dad, even though he’s divorcing my mom. I love him very much, and I don’t want to hurt him, especially if there’s no call for it.
jes In all likelyhood, all you will have to say is, “Hello, this is jes” for an introduction. It’s the next part that is hard. For me it was, “My youngest son has leukemia, the doctors say the best chance for a match for a bone marrow transplant with go through your side of the family. Will you please make arrangements to be tested at your local blood center? Here are the relevant identification numbers.” It was not a good time to have to deal with getting to know him.
Maybe you could just introduce yourself and express an interest in your medical history and biological geneology and ask for a meet and greet at a convenient time over coffee/ice cream/pizza?
I just wanted to pop in really quick and say “Thank you” to all you Dopers in this thread.
…
I really have no experience with this kind of thing, so when I offer any kind of advice, I feel like a cad. So I’ve just been offering lots of hugs. Which is hard to do when you’re at work. But I’m outta here in 10 minutes, so I can give one or twenty more of them soon.
But thank you all for your kind words and advice. It’s hard to watch your wife go through something like this and feel like there’s little help to be found. You guys are helping make it better!
Abby, I hope your little boy is doing okay now. That would be awful. Medical problems in the gene pool are one of the things I want to check on before I have kiddos. It would be nice to meet my bio dad, if it were possible. But he lives many states and thousands of miles away, so it probably won’t happen.
