[Disclaimer] I’ve had a bit to drink, hopefully you’ll understand. I’ve been very upset too. . . [/Disclaimer]
10 years ago, my biological father disowned me. I was raised by my stepfather since the age of 4. At 4.1 I started calling him Dad. My biological father was against adoption but when I turned 18, it was out of his hands. I changed my name to my then stepfather’s name and was legally adopted. When my biological father found out he immediately ceased all communication with me. This was not a big deal, considering that my new father took the bulk of my upbringing and my biological father was at best an uncle-type figure.
Fastforward to today.
At 10:30 I get a call. I don’t recognize the number but I answer anyway. A woman asks me how I am. I ask her who this is. She says it’s my grandmother. She tells me she’s 84 and asks if I’m married. I tell her I am not. She invites me for Thanksgiving dinner. I tell her I will be in town to visit other relatives and I will do my best to stop by.
This is incredibly difficult. On one hand, I have a dying blood relative that obviously wants to make things right before she passes. On the other, there is a part of me that thinks she’s trying to arrange some type of Halmark moment between me and my biological father, which I want none of.
I haven’t crying in a long time, but I cried so hard tonight I threw up. I’m not looking for sympathy as much as I am looking for advice. I want to honor an old woman’s last request but I don’t want to be manupulated. I put this chapter behind me a long time ago and it hurts to have it opened again.
This is really bloggish and I’m sorry. It’s probabaly pathetic that I go through the numbers on my cell phone and can’t find anyone to call and talk about this so I post it on a god damn message board.
On preview, this isn’t very coherent but I can’t fix it. I’m pretty sure it’s not cool to post while drinking so if a friendly moderator wants to delete this I’ll understand.
Nothing makes you feel so god damn unmasculine as crying.
I have no magical answers for you, but may I offer a thought? When you have a few minutes to think about this sober, try to figure out if you may regret what you do or don’t do in response to the invitation. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, and I don’t know what I’d do in a similar situation. But I would urge you to give it a lot of thought and don’t do something you’ll be sorry for some day. Only you know what these “family” connections mean to you.
What I read from your post is that you don’t have a problem, per se, with visiting your grandma, but that you don’t want to bump into your biological father.
Are these other relatives related to your grandma/bio-father? If so, if they’ve kept in touch with grandma, would they have a feeling for whether your bio-father would be likely to be there? Could you talk to your grandma and explain how you feel (I realise this might be impossible)? Lastly, if you’re close to these other relatives, could they perhaps accompany you?
Not knowing your full situation, several/any/all of the above might be a complete crock, but I throw them in as suggestions…
Thanks for the support everybody. After sleeping on it, I think I’m going to ride over there next Tuesday or Wednesday. That way I can see her and avoid (hopefully) any other relatives, especially my biological father. I think it’s pretty heartless to deny an elderly woman one last chance to see her grandson.
I may be in the minority on this, but here’s my two cents…
It seems like you’ve been out of touch with your grandmother for a period of time as well (she didn’t know if you were married or not? Even distant great aunts know these things, in my experience). If I were you, I’d go with your first instinct, “there is a part of me that thinks she’s trying to arrange some type of Hallmark moment between me and my biological father.”
I know she has no control over what your bio-dad did, but if this reunion were so important to her, it would have happened long ago. You might have mentioned your current age once before, but I forget. If my understanding of the OP and my math skills are good, you are 28. Where was she for the last 25 years? While, as you say, it’d be heartless to deny her a chance to see her grandson, it’s also pretty selfish of her to believe that she is entitled to anything from you after all that time without contact.
As a disclaimer, I consider you a friend, despite not ever having met you. And I’m not out to make you upset with me or more upset with the situation you find yourself in. The above is simply what I would imagine myself doing if I were in your shoes. Then again, I can be a stubborn prick sometimes.
Let me fill in some of the missing pieces and maybe it will be a little clearer. I’m pretty sure the name change/adoption enraged my grandfather as much as my bio-father. My grandmother was the “subservient” type, you know, “Where’s my damn supper, woman!” subservient. I think it’s safe to extrapolate that my grandfather was so pissed he made sure that my grandmother had no contact with me after the events 10 years ago. Well he died recently; maybe a year ago, I’m not sure. So now my grandmother is “free” to act on her own and . . . here we find ourselves.
Well, it still seems like a long time to wait for her to make contact, but that could be because she was trying to find out how to contact you. Who knows.
In this case, I would be inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt, and go see her. However, I would make it known to her that you have no desire to see other relatives who she may be looking to “surprise” you with. Tell her you would be happy (if that’s the case) to see her, but that if your bio-dad is there, you will leave immediately. You’re not looking to cause a scene, but that you’d like to keep the visit private.
I’ve been thinking about riding up there next Tuesday or Wednesday and calling her when I’m about 30 minutes away. That seems to be the best way to get the right things done and avoid any uncomfortable situations.
I really wish I had never posted this.
[Homer]
Beer. The cause of and solution to all my problems.
Bruce-Daddy what you are doing may be one of the hardest things you’ve had to face in your life. Her calling you must have been pretty hard for her as well.
I offer no decent advice (FCM gave excellent advice, as always.) just go there and be nice. Taking flowers or a box of candy couldn’t hurt either. She’s probably pretty lonely.
As for posting while drunk, I found it reasonably coherent. Much more than some of the banned loonies of past whose names I’ve blotted from my memory. One day, if I ever have anything nerve wracking -soul jarring to drink about, I shall post whilst hammered and show you what true drunken blathering is all about.
The testing question I always ask myself: “If I don’t, will I regret it later and wish I had?”
Suggestion: How about you invite Granny out for some other not-landing-on-a-holiday occasion. That way you have control over the when, where and who. A spontaneous “Hey, Granny, I’d just love to take you out to dinner tonight! Can you be ready in an hour?”
Thus, you can try to hedge off the Hallmark moment, but still give your Granny an opportunity to get to know the grown up you.
I don’t have anything constructive to add that hasn’t already been said, but I do think you’ve made an excellent choice based on the situation as it’s unfolded.
Most of all, I hope the visit meets and exceeds your expectations, for both of you!
