So what do you do when your military partner leaves and you’re stuck alone? My partner, Q, just got shipped across the country for the next 3 years, and until we decide whether we can handle a long-distance relationship or not, I’m staying here while we both deal with being apart for at least the next few months.
Any advice? We’re both rather frustrated and down about the whole thing. (This is, of course, made doubly frustrating by the fact that we’re a gay couple - the military doesn’t recognize our relationship, he has to stay in the closet, I have to be very circumspect, and on and on - but that’s another thread entirely.)
When my husband left for boot camp, I drank a lot. That was not the best idea and it really just made things worse, as you might expect.
He’s in the Navy and is on his first deployment right now. He’ll only be gone for 6 months, as opposed to the much longer deployments that people in other branches of the service have. (I don’t know what branch your partner is in.) We have a daughter now, but at 14 months, she’s not much of a conversationalist, so I still don’t really have anyone to talk to. We moved last year and I haven’t met many people here yet, and it gets really lonely. We email each other every day, though, and call once a week or every 2 weeks and I send him packages probably every two weeks. Being able to communicate each day really helps.
I don’t really know you or your situation, so I don’t know if you have many friends in your area or not. I think that I’d do a lot better if I had friends or something here (Classes, something interesting.) that would take up some time.
When I’m left behind I just try to get more active and involved in things that interest me. You can join groups online with others left behind. Try to keep faith in your relationship though, it’s not easy. If you need anything my e-mail is in my profile. Good luck.
I appreciate the advice. I’ll clarify a bit and say that I moved here 4 years ago, he moved here 2 years ago, and we have lots of friends and community connections here, so I’m not lonely in the sense that I am alone, I am lonely in that I miss him a lot.
Actually, I’m more worried about him, as he’s the one going into a totally new environment with no friends, no connections, having to be closeted, etc. Fortunately he does have one local friend there, and I’m trying to help him find some social outlets so he can get away from work once in a while and enjoy himself.
And as I told many, many people when I told them he was leaving - breaking up is not an option. Happily, the one thing I have tremendous faith in is the strength of each of us, and our relationship together.
The best advice I can give is to stay busy. Last year, when he was in the desert, I was working. Had I not been, I would have gone crazy from worrying. This time around, I’ve got school, so I’m VERY busy with that. If you don’t have enough to do outside of work, find a volunteer activity or take a class.
This is Airman’s second deployment (as opposed to just training), and he’s been gone since the end of March. Fortunately, he’s home May 8, give or take a few days!
You know, we’re really not all that far away from Q. Shall we fest him in, to welcome him to the community?
When my ex went on tour or exercise, I always went a little bit bonkers for the first few days. Fortunately I had my kid to take care of, and my career to continue with, so I always got back to relatively normal in a very short time.
I spent a lot of time reading, visiting friends I didn’t see often, shopping, and taking little weekend trips to visit out of town friends.
The best advice I could give would be to echo MsRobyn… stay busy!! My husband just got back from Kuwait/Iraq earlier this month. (He’s not military, he was working as a civilian contractor with KBR). Luckily I had my job to go to and my kids to take care of. My daughter started kindergarten this year so I volunteered for a lot of school-related activities and also am her Daisy Girl Scout troop leader. That kept me busy enough!!
It’s great that “breaking up is not an option” because you have to go into this with that kind of attitude. Seperations like this can work… you just have to want them to work. Do you at least have the option of visiting him??
Hm, same sex relationship with one closeted so the spouse club thang is right out. [Well, realistically unless you live in housing and really brownnose a lot the spouse club thing is about as useful as teats on a bull…]
If you both have access to personal computers that are private and have the ability to chat via webcam, just seeing the person in question is nice, and makes you feel less lonely. if you can get voice to work on top of that, it can be great [a friend and I can get MSN to process webcam but not get voice in any way at all, and none of the other chatting programs seems to work for us at all=( ]
It sounds like you are also military? At any rate, the keep busy advice is excellent. You might also look into some other recreational organization like [for me] The SCA [SCA.Org] or a weekly book reading club, or a bowling league. SOMETHING that wll get you out of your dwelling on a regular basis that is fun=) besides, making friends is a good thing. Your lover can do the same. Many mlitary bases have bowling or sports leagues, exercise classes, recreational facilities that cater to morale boosting [navy is MWR committee] He can get out there and make more friends=)
If he’s in the Hampton Roads area, tell him to be very careful and always discreet. It is not a gay-friendly place, at all :(. That said, it’s much easier to stay in touch with military members these days than it was when my husband was in the Navy, so communicating often should help to ease the burden on both of you.
I’m not a military spouse, but I did spend a year away from my husband when I got my first academic job in Ohio and he stayed in California to finish grad school. This may not work for everyone, but we called every day, first thing in the morning. This seemed to work better because we were fresher and more cheerful in the mornings and it left evenings open for getting out of the house and socializing a bit. It just seemed too depressing to us to talk right before bed.
We’ve already talked about that, I think it’s a fab idea. Now I’ll have to add it to my wish list.
BWAHAHAHAHA!
{ahem}
Not bloody likely, no.
Hey, a fellow SCAdian! I used to be in the East, now I’m in Caid. This year will be my 15th Pennsic War! But seriously, “being involved” isn’t a problem for me - if anything, I’m overcommitted to various social groups, and have a ton of friends, so again, it’s not necessarily for me, or even for me getting my mind off how much I miss him, it’s more about him dealing with the new environment, no friends, being in the closet again, etc.
And so he shall, with some encouragement from me. It’ll probably be in the next big city as opposed to the podunk town he’s in now, but he’ll be able to connect into the GLBT community there, and hopefully make some meaningful friendships.
I will say, though, that he’s off to a good start and seems to be pretty positive about it. I hope it lasts.
(This is, of course, made doubly frustrating by the fact that we’re a gay couple - the military doesn’t recognize our relationship, he has to stay in the closet, I have to be very circumspect, and on and on - but that’s another thread entirely.)
Happily, the one thing I have tremendous faith in is the strength of each of us, and our relationship together.