Last week I had gone on a cruise, and very early on was involved in a little shipboard romance. The other individual stressed that I not get attached to her, lest she hurt my feelings in the near future. I guess I half understood at the time- it wasn’t really love, it was just a fling, one week of ‘romance’ then everyone gets back to their ordinary lives.
I suppose my problem was that I wasn’t able to handle the fact that it was just a fling. I thought I could deal with it, but silly me, I became quite smitten by this person I was sleeping with
This person is in love with someone else. She anticipates meeting him soon. Throughout the week I was with her, she would go on and on about this man she planned on falling in love with, the only man she was willing to get really close to, the only man she was willing to marry and move away and have babies with. I kind of felt she was rubbing it in my face the whole time by talking about this person, since he was perfect in every way- he was handsome, intelligent, succesful, and rich.
Sometimes I wonder why she talked so much about him. I knew she was in love with this guy and not me. Perhaps it was in case I didn’t get the hint about us not dating in the future, and was trying to keep me away. But the saddening thing about it is not that I can’t be with her in a relationship, but she is so obsessed about this OTHER anticipated relationship that she may not even want to be friends with me, for fear I might do something to sabotage her relationship out of jealousy. But at this point that is not the case- she helped make me confident and thick-skinned enough to realize that it is not a huge deal I can’t be in a relationship. Sure I fell in love with her, shit happens. But just the same I want to be friends with her, something I think is less dicey and exclusive yet something she may not be willing to do.
She may never talk to me again, and that does make me sad, because it marginalizes everything she has done for me and all the wonderful moments we shared.
She’s going on and on about some other guy she’s really in love with, and wants to develop a relationship with, while she’s screwing you for fun, and you don’t think this is because she’s possibly … ummm… a little overly compartmentalized in a Clintonesque sense. Not wanting to beat you with a clue stick unecessarily, but I really, really, really doubt she wants to hear from you again in any way, shape or form, until or unless Mr. Wonderful is out of the picture.
Just as an aside, I’m sure she’s wonderful and all that, but in your dreams for future with her, aren’t you at all worried that her apparent ability to carry on a sexual relationship with you, while being deeply “in love” with someone else, and emotionally compartmentalize these realtionships might not portend well for future faithfulness (if that’s important to you) , if she was to be your potential SO?
I’ve got to agree with astro here. Do you really want to fall in love with someone that you are having an affair with? Even if things did work out for the two of you and you wound up together, chances are if she is that shallow as to supposedly be in love with someone else while sleeping with you, she would cheat on you while telling somone else how much she loves you.
I understood there wasn’t going to be any romantic relationship afterward. It was a little difficult for me to accept, because I liked her. I would still like to be friends with her, but chances she’s probably not going to risk that. It makes me a little sad and stupid in a way…
It might make you sad, Incubus, but it certainly doesn’t make you stupid. It sounds like she set her limits upfront at a temporary fling, no more. You enjoyed the fling too but were open to the potentialities she set off limits. She probably won’t consent to be your friend because her constant references to this guy she loves so much were more than a bit weird, considering the circumstances. I’m guessing here, but it sounds like she was pretty conflicted about something, whether it was the fling with you or the actual quality and worth of her devotion to the other guy. Constantly throwing his name into the mix leads me to wonder exactly whom she was reminding: you or herself?
Either way, she isn’t coping with relationships very well at all, passing or permanent. She wouldn’t welomce reminders of her fling with you because she didn’t have her head or heart clear to being with. Until–if–she gets herself level with herself, nothing you can do would help either one of you. It was a sweet, poignant “might have been” interlude but it won’t bear the weight of any pursuit.
I’m sorry. It hurts.
But you most decidedly were not stupid. Ships in the night and all that.
You don’t want to be friends with this girl. Not that she’s not a nice girl–I’m sure she is. The problem is that if you are friends with her, you will stay hung up over her. If you had been friends for a long time, and then this had happened, that previous friendship would be a reason to try and keep up a relationship. But not in this case. If you put all oyur “getting to know a potential romantic partner” energy into getting to know this girl–where it is doomed from the start–then you won’t ever see all the other potential romantic partners that drift through your life because your OWN compartment will be filled up.
This was a good thing that happened. This is a memory to treasure. Go make more memories to treasure, don’t try and cling too hard to this one. Be sad fora while–that’s ok–but remember that the quanity of a relationship has nothing to do with the quality and that it’s okay to mourn. However, trying to either trick or logic her into a friendship won’t work and it’s not respecting her very clear wishes.
Excellent analysis. At this point, I’d say the OP has two basic choices: engage in self-punishing navel gazing, or go out and shag a couple of beauties at a party.
I’d suggest Plan “B.” It’s amazing how therapeutic sex can be in such situations.
Best of luck, Incubus. Sounds like you’re better without her, even if your heart says otherwise. Pity her poor future husband. This lass has some major issues.
This is someone she had met on the internet months before when she was having a really bad time with her life. He was in the same online community she was in, and they became really close friends. She really feels she ‘clicked’ with this guy and says she’s in love with him. She was looking forward to meeting him in person soon and she had a lot of hopes that this would be the kind of person she would be willing to marry (despite saying she’s not the marrying type) and live happily ever after with.
I suppose it is better I move on, lest my attention be so transfixed on her (platonic or otherwise) I let other stuff pass me by.
Dude you can do better than this. Keep in mind sex has a way of coulding our judgement, years from now you’ll look back on this and cringe for even THINKING you were in love with this girl.
I know I still sucks though. Just hang in there it will get better…
She has not yet met this guy and yet is planning moving away to be with him, marrying him, having kids with him? I wonder if he knows what she has in store for him :eek:
I think a friendship would be too painful a reminder of what you want but can’t have - sometimes its easier in the end to walk away and don’t look back.
To me she sounds too much like a player… having no problem sleeping with you whilst, supposedly, in love with someone else, having all these life plans with someone she’s not yet met? Hell, I fell in love really quickly too but I did at least wait to meet my other half before we talked about the bigger things in life.
I think you’re best off out of it and go look for someone who’s emotionally free to give you the attention and care you deserve.
Clearly you haven’t followed the OP’s tales of woe too closely. I don’t think Incubus is capable of meaningless, therapeutic sex. He seems to have sex and love and futures and relationships all tied up into one indivisible ball*. If he were to run out and try to find some “couple of beauties at a party”, he’d end up in love with one of them and in the same place.
Take this as a lesson learned, Incubus. As someone who is not wired for fun flings, you shouldn’t be having them. She made it clear that she wasn’t looking for a relationship with you and you should have accepted that as fact. Unlike others, I think you are stupid, well maybe not stupid but naive, for thinking you’d have something after the cruise when she so clearly said there wasn’t going to be. Since you seem unable to be physically involved without getting emotionally involved, then you shouldn’t repeat this mistake.
