Hilarious things you have witnessed from children.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

My mom and her best friend came over to my place for tea yesterday. Her friend told us a story that had me nearly rolling on the floor.

Her daughter, who is 5, came running up to her one day, having discovered her mom’s box of Kotex pads in the bathroom. “Mommy! Look what I found! What are they?”

Not wanting to have to try to explain menstruation to a kindergartner, she quickly came up with, “Uh…they’re stickers for grown-ups”. Daughter seemed satisfied with explanation, mom retrieved pads, and it was seemingly forgotten.

A couple days later Grandpa came to visit. Mom was mortified when daughter came running up to Grandpa, “Grandpa! Look at my new stickers!” and thrust open her sticker book to display pages plastered with marker-scribbled Kotex pads.

:smiley: :smiley: :smiley:

2

Not so hilarious in hindsight, but when my nephew was 2 1/2, he gave me a dead-on impression of his dad drinking a beer. He took an empty bottle, held it the same way, sat approximately the same way, allowing for the fact that he couldn’t sit with his feet on the floor, tilted the bottle the same way, and gave the same “ahhhhh…” of satisfaction.

3

My sister was giving a bath to my nephew (of course he was very young at the time). He was touching his ‘pee-pee’ and said, “This is my best friend.”

My sister’s response, “Wait till you get older!”
I love that girl!

4

This is one of my favorite stories about my daughter. She was four and her cousin, my sister’s daughter, was three. My sister picked us up so we could go to our Mother’s house for some celebration, I forget what. Anyway, my sister and I were chattering away in the front seat, the girls doing the same in the back seat. My daughter had developed a bit of a bug fetish at the time, so she was delighted to find an ant crawling on her cousin’s arm. My sister and I grew very quiet and we heard clearly my daughter say to her cousin, “You know, when I was your age, I was afraid of bugs.”

She’s always been a bit a helpful child. My best friend and I had our babies six months apart. By the time her daughter came along, my daughter was off the breast and on a bottle. So my friend tried weaning at six months as well. One day my daughter dutifully tried to teach her friend how to take a bottle, demonstrating first, then holding it for her a few times. It was, of course, to no avail, but it was cute at the time and we had a good chuckle over it.

5

My daughter had just turned two and while she knew lots of words she wasn’t really speaking in whole sentences yet. My wife had just finished boiling two lobsters for dinner and put them on a plate on the kitchen table. My daughter walked into the room and past the plate of lobsters, turned towards them and said: “Oh, Hello Mr. Lobsters, how are you doing today!” We laughed but I think she was a little disturbed when we ate them.

6

I can think of two anecdotes:

At the airport in Madrid a little kid comes into the bathroom with mom. While she is doing her business he waits for her and suddenly shouts at the top of his voice: “Mom, it smell like fart in here!”

My little cousin (age 5 or 6) finds a Kotex pad and comes to the living room while they had visitors and tell his mom that he knows what that is. She plays it cool, and ask him what he think it is: “diapers for grown-up girls” :eek: How did he figure that?

7

I was told one today by a friend. When her 9-year-old grandson goes shopping with his mother, he likes to sneak packages of condoms into shopping carts of old ladies. He’ll probably give one of them a heart attack some day.

8

Three children, three stories. It may help to know that we had a daughter, V, and then boy/girl twins, K and K, exactly twelve months and three weeks later.

#1: Twins recently on the scene, daughter V. recently semi-ambulatory. Twins main waking activity is still lying down on the floor emitting occasional noises and/or aromas. Twins making unhappy noises. V. has an idea – give them a toy. Go to toy box, get stuffed animal, drop on twins. Unhappy noises continue. V. decides another toy is called for. Noises continue. Therapy continues. Minutes pass. Dad enters room to find sixteen-inch high pile of felt, wool and chintz emitting muffled noises and aromas, and a very proud V.

#2: A few years later. Children’s new favorite activity is putting on shows for their own amusement. These usually are of the dragon attacks castle genre, because a) you write what you know and b) when Dad can be persuaded to join in, he makes a good dragon. Dad is not joining in today, he’s reading in the next room, catching the odd passage or two. One of which goes:

Son K (the heroic Knight): I got this sword from my father.

Daughter K (the regal Queen): Was your father a King?

Son K: Nope, he was a sword salesman!

#3: A couple of months ago. Daughter K. is bored and unhappy. There’s nothing to do that isn’t “boring,” “stupid” or “boring and stupid.” Dad, after having several suggestions thus rejected, is a tad fed up. K., he says imperiously, you have toys, games, books, radio, television and friends. If you can’t think of anything fun to do, the fault is not with them but with your own imagination. Do you understand? K. nods, chastened, and Dad walks away feeling smug. Then, from K.'s chair, very soft, he hears:

“…stupid imagination!”

9

King of Soup, I liked that third one best.

Years ago, I babysat a little girl of about 5. It had been snowing that particular day and she asked if she could go out and play in it. I said, “Yes, but make sure you bundle up first.” Crestfallen, she wailed, "But I don’t how to bungle up!" I had to quickly explain to her that I just wanted her to be warmly dressed before going out.

10

I heard this at WalMart a few weeks ago. I was in the dogfood aisle picking out some food for my picky puppy. There was another lady in the aisle with her 3 or 4 year old boy in the cart. Here was the conversation:

Kid: “Mom, what’s that?”

Mom: “That’s a shirt for a dog.”

Kid: “But ain’t dogs allowed to go naked?”

11

A bunch of Christmases ago gramma was playing with my then-three year old cousin. She’d point at someone and say, “Who’s that?”

“Who’s that?” “Mommy!”

“Who’s that?” “Uncle Denny!”

“Who’s that?” “Lisa!”

Then gramma pointed to herself.

“Who’s this?” “Boobie!”

12

I was working late at my office one night and had my son with me. He was around 5 or so. I was finishing something up, so my boss helpfully took Tony up to the snack bar to get him a soft drink. The boss decided to get something for me, too, so he turns to Tony and asks him what his mommy like to drink. Tony’s response: “Bourbon and coke!”

13

I have told this before- but it’s still my favorite…
5 year old nephew asks Dad in the car who Jesus is ( Nephew has pretty much been raised devoid of religion) My brother goes into this long story about how some people believe in = Mary, and the immaculate conception, and miracles , and the crucifixtion, and the raising from the dead etc.
Silence from the back seat.

In a whispered voice- " Thats the stupidest thing I have ever heard"

another fave
My bestest friends 7 year old let out a loud belch in a restaurant.
BF says “Miranda! What did I tell you about that!”
she responds “We aren’t in Publix! "
Huh?
Miranda says " You said it was rude to burp in Publix”
BF says " PUBLIC! I said it was to burp in PUBLIC!"
“Oh, " says Randa. " I thought it was kinda weird when you said it”

14

The other day after church my mom took my 5-year-old daughter shopping. While they were browsing, my mom let fly with the “d” word (darn) which my daughter thinks is a curse word. She folded her little hands together, bowed her head and said, “Dear God, may I please speak to my nana’s mother?”

She wanted to tell on her!

15

This comes from a friend who told me about this one by his younger brother, age about 7, who had obviously overheard discussions or seen TV ads about AIDS and safe sex.

Friend’s Little Brother ‘I’m never going to get AIDS’
AAA (Assorted Amused Adults) ‘and why is that?’
FLB ‘I’m never going to take my condom off’.

:slight_smile:

16

When Son was about seven years old, he’s staying at home with Older Sister one day when they’re off of school. To keep him busy, I’ve left a list of chores he’s to complete while I’m gone (under the supervision of Older Sister, of course.) Midway through the day, I get a phone call at work. It’s Older Sister, and she’s so furious she can barely speak. “Here!” she screeches into the phone to Son, “*TELL MOM WHAT YOU DID!” * Son gets on the phone and rambles about furniture polish. Older Sister finally gets back on the phone and screeches, “He sprayed furniture polish all over the carpeting! It’s all over the livingroom AND THE DINING ROOM!” Son gets back on the phone.

“Why did you spray furniture polish on the carpeting?” I ask him.

“Your list said to dust the furniture,” Son says. At this point, he’s ready to cry. Older Sister is still screeching in the background about the furniture polish all over the carpeting.

“Honey, what did the list say? Do you have it there? Can you read it to me?” I ask him.

He gets the list. “Dust the downstairs furniture,” he reads. “Spray the furniture polish on the rug, not the furniture.”

I laugh so hard I can barely correct him, “That’s spray the furniture polish on the RAG, not the rug.”

We must have slid around the house for the next three weeks, as there’s almost no way to get furniture polish out of carpeting. (Although it wasn’t visible, it sure was slippery.) It’s a story that we still crack up over hearing it.

17

I came home from work and my four year old daughter wanted to play “Snow White”. She was Snow White, I was the Prince. I asked who her two year old sister was, she replied “She’s Grumpy the Dwarf.” Trying to be clever I asked, “Shouldn’t mommie be Grumpy?” (mommie was sitting on the couch at the time). My daughter replied “No, mommie is the wicked witch!”

18

I’ve got a few…

  1. Some years ago, my mom had just gone grocery shopping and my brothers and I were putting them away. My youngest brother (age 5) pulled out a box of pads and asked my other brother (age 7) where they went. My brother responded in that authoritative tone that only 7-year-olds have:

“Those are Mom’s fart pads. They go in her bathroom.”

  1. Mrs. Gaffer and I, along with the Little Gaffers, were on the central coast of California recently and were visiting one of the missions. Little Gaffer #1 (age 4) was noticing all of the crufixes and eventually asked who that guy was. Mrs. Gaffer responded with “That is Jesus Christ. He lived a long time ago and was killed for what he believed in…(etc.).”

Little Gaffer #1 responded with “Well, if it was so long ago how do they know what really happened?”

Mrs. Gaffer said, “Some people wrote it down and now Jesus is a very important person for a lot of people.”

Little Gaffer #1 thinks about this for awhile and then proclaims “I think Jesus is a myth” and walks off to go look at the animals.

I was beaming.

  1. A couple of weeks ago the four of us were having breakfast on a Saturday morning. Little Gaffer #2 (age 3) is particularly fond of going pee outside. So were all sitting there and he proclaims “I have to go pee,” jumps down, runs outside and starts peeing off of our back porch.

Little Gaffer #1 looks outside, pauses, and says…

“Hmmm. Dinner and a show.”

We about died.

19

A story that still kinda boggles me-

My (late) friend and I were in his kitchen while his three-year-old son was having lunch. We start joking about the fact that, before the tyke was born, I always said I’d go out of my way to teach him the wrong definitions for words. I make some comment like, “One day he’ll ask me what (x) is, and I’ll say, ‘It’s a dromedary’.”
My friend and I get a chuckle out of it. Out of the blue, the tyke looks over to me and says, “A dromedary is a camel, isn’t it?”
Me and the friend just look at each other.
“Did you tell him that?”
“I didn’t tell him that! Did you?”
We look at the tyke, “Where did you learn that?”
He just grins at us.

20

A coworker of my mom (I can’t remember if it was him, or he told it about someone else, but I think it was him) told a lovely one. It seems that when he (or somebody else?) was sixteen, his mom had twin girls. Oops.

One day, when the girls were six or so, he told them, “When I was your age, I had a pony!”

Heh heh heh. Way to torture your little sisters! I never knew a little girl who didn’t want a pony…including myself!