In an earlier thread, about (over)eating in secret, a Doper described how her BF reacted to her sorta hiding her eating:
My former S.O. has, at times done the same. I wanted to eat less, and he volunteered to help me. At the time, I was just a bit overweight, but he feared (quite correctly, IMHO) that gaining weight was a slippery slope. Together, we’ve tried a few ways for him to “coach” me. Some worked, some didn’ t.
[ul]
He would make remarks like: “do you really need that other slice?”. Or he would give me “the look” when I would be more or less thoughtlessly eating, in public or in private. This didn’t help at all and only led to me secretly eating and avoiding his company. It also led me to feel fat and unattractive, with bad effects in bed. Frustrating for us both. [/ul]
[ul]He would also encourage me to go exercising with him, establishing rituals like our regular Sunday-morning swim before breakfast. Worked very well, although it took some time to get into the habit.[/ul]
[ul]And he would hide his own chocolate goodies in a cupboard he alone had the key to. This worked very well. What I didn’t see and dodn’t have access to couldn’t tempt me. Another advantage was that I would not have to feel sorry about spoiling* his* after-dinner chocolate moment.
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Have you tried to coach/encourage weight loss in your SO? Or have you been on the receiving end of such encouragement? Any thoughts on what did work and what didn’t, and why?
I’ve been the overweight one. I can’t state this too strongly:
If you are an SO of someone who’s overweight, do not ever offer unsolicited advice or opinions about anything to do with that extra weight. You will only make the problem worse, and possibly risk your relationship. Unless that’s what you want, of course.
Even if you are asked, tread very, very carefully.
The only way an SO can help (other than by cooking very healthy meals and not buying unhealthy snacks and desserts to have around the house - i.e. living the healthy lifestyle yourself which can help promote by example) is if the overweight person takes the first step, embarks on a sensible long-term program/lifestyle change, and asks the SO to partner in this process. There should be rules and guidelines for the kinds of help the overweight person wants. Mostly, the best kind of help is to continue to be loving and supportive in the process, especially when there are backslips. You can learn about nutrition and exercise, and be a source of knowledge (only when called on!)
Even with such an agreement, know when to back off and just retreat to the loving and supporting position.
I wish there were extension classes in this sort of thing. It’s how not to be co-dependent and how to be supportive of change without condeming failures along the way. As I write this, it’s sounding like Al-Anon, only for food. Maybe there is such an organization. If there is, I encourage every SO of an overweight person to go.
And my advice to you, as the overweight person: stop complaining about your own behavior. Either change it, or shut up (preferably both). You’re driving your SO crazy.
There’s no better way to destroy a relationship than to have an SO be the police/nag/authority figure on such issues.
That applies to alcohol, drugs, overeating, gambling, spending, etc.
Trying to control another person’s behavior just doesn’t work. It also demeans both parties.
Now sometimes the SO must take steps to protect themselves and the rest of the family from the behavior exhibited by their partner; such as cutting up credit cards, saying no to 2nd mortgages which are to be used for gambling, etc.
I may be biased by remembering the spectacle of my sister in law, trying to control my brother in law’s eating, at a party at our house. She was allowing him to have some shortcake, but wouldn’t let him have any whipped cream. However, he tried to play fast and loose and sneak a little reddi-whip on his cake. She heard the telltale hiss of the reddi-whip can, cried out in a panicky voice, “Ulrich, no! ULRICH! NO!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” and threw herself bodily on him to restrain him from eating this. At the dinner table. In front of his siblings, his children, and his nieces and nephews. I knew I couldn’t control myself, so I had to leave the table, and laugh hysterically behind closed doors.
They’re still together. He does his eating in secret, mostly. He’s still overweight (but not horribly so). But she’s always watching him at mealtimes! And I love to watch her watch him and wait to see what laffs will happen next!
The most “coaching” I ever got from my husband was received in the form of praise. I hear every day how much weight I’ve lost and etc. Positive reinforcement – both overt and covert – really are the way to go. When I see an extra piece of pizza around (or, Og help me, my weakness, any sort of pasta), I think about the good reactions I’ve had from him. Oh, and how much more sex we have now
Working out together helps too; we alternate sets alot of the time. This is where any real “coaching” gets done. “You’re ready for another 10 pounds” or “you can do that last rep!” but that’s general weightlifting support, and he gets it from me, too.
I think one other way to be supportive is to watch the crap food around the house – my husband commutes 180 miles/day on a motorcycle and weightlifts much more than I do, so it’s no big deal for him to eat 2000 calories worth a day in candy alone (I’m exaggerating, but only slightly).
But, as Roderick already said, if one is overweight, the majority of the burden lies on the overweight person. The best an SO can do is be supportive.
Watching this “coaching” in the marriage of my two best friends leads me to this conclusion…
Any attempt to police the eating of another person will set up a parent/child dynamic. The person in the “child” role will start acting like a child, trying to sneak, eating because they are mad at the other person for non-food reasons, eating junk food just because they can.
The parent/child stuff will leak into other parts of the relationship. For example, someone acting like your mother is not sexy.
I can only agree with what the others here have said, and add my further $0.02…
I have been overweight since I was a baby, and all throughout my childhood and adolescence, my mother and father strictly observed everything that went in my mouth and told me what I could and couldn’t have. They first put me on diets from when I was four years old and right throughout I endured taunts and dissapproving looks, particularly from my mother. At supper my parents would offer chocolate biscuits to my brothers and then say to me ‘you can’t have one because you’re too fat’, stuff like that.
As a result, I (a) took to stealing money from my parents and older brothers to buy food which I hid food in my room, and (b) never learnt to control my own appetite.
When I moved in with my partner, I then transferred that ‘parent’ role on to him, and blamed all my further weight gain on him being ‘too nice’ to me because he let me eat what I wanted.
It wasn’t until I went to a dietician and said this, and she said ‘who’s in charge of what you eat?’ and I was like oooooh, lightbulb moment (if you’ll excuse the Oprah-phrase).
I realised that I wasn’t taking personal responsibility for my eating. Now I realise that I was responsible for gaining weight (ok, my childhood was a bit unusual and has some impact, but still the decisions to eat have always been mine), therefore I am responsible for losing the weight.
It’s helpful if the SO is not a picky eater, and reacts to more veggies and salads with a good attitude. And if he will have his splurges outside the house, or of something he likes and I don’t.
