Sex, fat, and equations

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Okay, I know I probably need therapy. No doubts about that. But I am having some troubles, and hey, why bother a shrink when I have all of you? I really do need some help.

The thing is, I should diet. Really. But, I am having problems, because, to me:

eating less=thinner=sexy=being noticed by men=possibly getting together with men

Which wouldn’t be bad, except I’m married. Sometimes not so happily. And away from my husband a lot. And I am trying to work on that. But, if

eating less=thinner=sexy=being noticed by men=possibly getting together with men

then I shouldn’t diet, because I don’t want the possibilities there to be a cheater. So, often I am not wanting to diet because I worry about getting attention from other men. Which could lead to getting together with them, which could lead to other things. I have noticed that a lot of the time when I am given quite a bit of time and interest and attention from a man, I will eat way too much soon after. Because with a great many guys,

eat everything not nailed down=overweight girl=invisible=no interest=no problem

So that way, there is no temptation to cheat. And also, even though I adore men, sometimes their attention makes me really nervous. So I like it and I don’t, all at the same time, which leads back to the

eating whatever you want=overweight girl=invisible=no interest from guys

I have received some ‘negative’ attention from guys before, back when I was very toned and thin. I think that factors in a great deal. But I don’t know how to get around it.

Then, as far as being married, and losing weight, there is this other problem

eating less=thinner=sexy=more interest in sex from partner

Now for most people this wouldn’t be a problem. But sometimes, and many times in the past, I have had much less interest in sex than him. Sometimes when I have sex with him, and then later on dude and I fight, and it makes me really sorry that I had sex with him, that I let myself get close to him, that I was vulnerable in that way. So,

eating less=thinner=sexy=more sex=feeling hurt and like an idiot later

And I have noticed that when I am upset with him or feeling sexual interest from him sometimes, I will over eat.

So, help!!!

How do I get over this before they fly me over the floats in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade?

I know this all sounds really messed up, but I am just trying to figure this all out.

2

uh, is this one of those trick female questions?

3

Get yourself a good therapist. Take hubby along if you are interested in saving the marriage, but definitely get some help for yourself at least.

4

Damn those… questions…

5

There are many men who find full-bodied, volumptuous women very sexy. There are even magazines devoted to serving the, ummm, needs of that kind of man.

If you are indeed a complusive overeater, then I suggest Overeaters Anonymous. There are meetings all over the country, possibly the world. Look in the phone book or call for directory assistance. you may find some answers there, and it’s free!

6

Hoo boy, PinkBikini…

It seems you are getting sex + attractiveness + weight + control all mixed up in unhealthy and sad ways.

What was your question again? I think your interest in healthy, mutually happy sex with your husband (or anyone else), your feelings about your overweight-ness & attractiveness, the possiblity that men may flirt with you & tempt you to have an affair, and your marriage problems are all being mushed up & confused in your head…

Girl, I really think a good therapist may help you figure this out…you sound very unhappy and confused.

((((PinkBikini))))

I also think that your weight is the least of your problems. But if you don’t want to go to counselling right now, spooje’s OA suggestion may be a good one. If you can gain control of one aspect of your life, perhaps you can get a bit more perspective, & feel a little more powerful.

7

Just seconding Carina.

And adding that whether or not, overweight = not sexy/unattractive, with whomever you happen to be with. Overweight can very easily equal unhealthy.

Just something to think about. I think a little couples therapy could help a lot too.

8

Quite a simple theory really. Probably at some time in your childhood or when you were younger PinkBikini you experienced some unwanted sexual or physical attention from a guy that you didn’t want to have again. Then you figured that being fat makes you less attractive to men & this can keep you from having this experience again. Viola!

Might be easier to just lose weight & say ‘no’.?

9

Your post reminds me of me. Trust me… I’m a mess, get some help.

10

Rather than thinkng of it as

eating less=thinner=sexy=being noticed by men=possibly getting together with men

or

eating less=thinner=sexy=more interest in sex from partner

try:

(Eating less junk food + exercising more) = feel better = feel stronger and more self-assured = better prepared to deal with whatever comes along.

Here’s the patented Ethilrist method of losing weight and getting in better shape:

Eat anything you damn well want to, so long as it’s what you’re used to eating. Start exercising more.

After a couple weeks of exercising half an hour, 4-5 times a week, start cutting back on the junk food a LITTLE BIT. Like, get the small bag of Fritos rather than the Big Grab. Have a diet soda with lunch rather than a sugar soda. Don’t go on a diet which tells your body, “I’m starving to death. Save me by throwing all the excess water overboard, then when I fall off the diet, grab hold of all the ballast you can.”

As you continue to exercise, eat more good food and less junk food. Eventually you’ll start to feel better about the way you look and WHY you look that way. Don’t embark on this major internal change in order to create an external effect (more sex/noticed by men).

11

Well, generally I like giving advice, and trying to help, but I’m a work here and I’d have to take the rest of the week off just to put a dent in this sucker.

First let me say that, “Its a goddamn miracle you women have existed for this long, I’ll never figure you out.”

Now, lets get this clear right from the gun. Eating and your weight are NOT your problem here. They are most definately serious symptoms of a greater problem. You need to get at that bigger problem you have with sex, intimacy, relationships, and god knows what else. Once you do this I think you’ll discover how goddamn silly your rational sounds, and how easy it is to know that you need to lose weight and get into shape.

This is definately one of those “See a doctor, not a message board” cases. Get help, don’t treat the symptom, treat the illness.

12

Let me add my “Amen” to this one.

Being overweight does not exclude you from being beautiful. It took me ages to get over the idea you had to be skinny to be accepted. Now, if someone doesn’t accept me because of my weight, I’ll just relax in the knowledge that they wern’t worth knowing anyway.

In my uneducated opinion, it sounds like you’re hiding.

13

Basically I agree with the others’ comments re getting a therapist’s advice, but in any case I’m not clear on whether you’re saying the problem is that “If I lose weight, men will hassle me in a threatening manner” or, “If I lose weight, my marriage is such at this point that I’m afraid I’ll cheat on my husband (or at least be tempted to).”

I’m wishing you the best and hope you get the help/advice you need.

14

I’m just gonna second BooBoo, who summed things up very succinctly IMO.

15

Well, a lot of folks are claiming you are confused. I don’t think so. I think you understand your problem well, you just don’t have the courage to admit the underlying cause:

Your marriage is what is making you unhappy.

Now, I’m not one to advocate divorce. In your case, given the information you have provided so far, I suspect that if you dumped your husband, ate normally, exercised regularly, and started dating again, you’d be much happier. But that’s not what I think you should do.

You should see a marriage counselor. Right away. Go alone if you have to.

And get some exercise. You don’t have to diet, just eat sensibly and don’t binge on food. And go out for a 20 minute walk every morning, first thing, while it’s still cool. If you’re already doing that, then get your doctor’s OK to sign up for a light aerobics class, or a water aerobics class, or something like that. Just the exercise will make you feel a lot better. I promise.

16

Thank you to everyone who has answered. You have given me a lot to think about.

I will try to get things under control until I can find a good counselor. I promise I am a little saner than I sound. The equations are what I believe is going on in my subconscious.

It is hard to imagine, though, that just talking to someone would help make a difference. I suppose it could, it is just hard to think that they can help me fix all of this!

Thanks for the input from everyone, and for the hugs, Carina.

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