For the record, I’m a happily married middle-aged guy.
But I work with a lot of women and one conversation that comes up from time to time is how their marriage has become stale, passionless and all that. And they seem to have no idea what to do to make things passionate again. It actually gets kind of depressing to have these conversations after a few minutes .
So what can women do? I seem to remember a thread here, maybe six months ago, where a female doper received lots of good ideas on text messages to send her husband (or boyfriend) to arouse his interest. Tried searching for that thread and failed. If anyone has a link to it I’d appreciate it.
Also any other suggestions, from either gender, straight or gay, would be appreciated.
This was a really common issue on the wedding-planning board I used to hang out on. Some of the subterfuges used were, as you said, depressing. One woman claimed she could stand in front of her fiance in her best lingerie and say, “Look, I’m horny. Let’s fuck.” And he would tell that was nice, but he was busy playing video games. But if she stood in the kitchen and yelled that there was ice cream, he was there in a flash. If she timed it right, she could usually get him into bed in the time between finishing the ice cream and going back to his game.
Personally, I’d rather never have sex again that have to do that.
Whatever. I actually know loads of women who are desperate to have MORE SEX with thier husbands and they are not difficult, or nags, or raging bitches, or leeches, or wildly obese. They are pleasant fit wage earners who would like to have sex on some crazy schedule like more than twice a year.
Men think this never ever happens, but it happens a lot. I think if the couple finds themselves unable to talk about the issue, counselling is in order.
I think being confident in yourself makes you more attractive. I know since I’ve lost weight (35+ pounds) I feel more attractive, which makes me want to get all sexy with my man. And please know, Ivylad never considered me fat. But I did, and now that I’m not, I look forward to putting on the tight jeans and showing off my flat tummy.
Believe me, people who have never experienced it, seem to be unable to imagine it. “Married With Children” is more common, I think, than we know.
And why does any one partner have to do the “heavy lifting” in a relationship? (but that’s another thread).
Some personal comments:
I don’t know what happens to some men after a certain age (say 45). All I know is that it seems that porn is more attractive than real live sex to my husband. One could say (and probably should) that there is so much baggage between the 2 of us at this point that sex is pretty much out of the question, but this issue didn’t just start with our agreeing to divorce. This has been an ongoing problem for about the last decade. My opinion? Porn is easier, more “reliable” and less emotionally risky, ergo, porn wins. YMMV. And of course, at this juncture, I no longer look to him for sex. I’m not looking period.
Could the issue be how either party is asking for sex and/or communicating? For me and my husband, it was a communication issue. For a long time, even after we had our kid, he grabbed my ass and my boobs so frequently (seriously, every single time I’d walk by him when we were alone; sometimes he’d even follow me around the house and do it) that it became extremely annoying to be touched there and it completely desensitized those areas as erogenous zones.
Even after our son was old enough for us to catch some time for sex, we never seemed to do it. After a while, I asked my husband why (and he does find me attractive) and he said it was because I rejected his advances. It turns out that about half of those gropes were advances and half were apparently his equivalent of a kiss on the cheek. I explained to him that perhaps he could actually kiss me on the cheek or something other than grope me if his intention wasn’t sexual.
My point being: perhaps the guy is looking for sex and maybe the woman is misinterpreting or vice versa?
It ain’t weight: I am fit, and in the past have gone down to 112 lbs, which is too damn thin on my 5 foot 6 frame, after a few a years of trying (everything from lingerie, running around naked, being assertative, being shy,to waiting him out, to not nagging, to flirting and yelling, “I want to have sex!”) I conclude there is no damn thing a woman can do.
Eleanorigby, I am over 45 and really never understand the passion for porno. I would much sooner have the living, warm lady at hand than watch some drug laden hooker dropping her gear.
However, from what I’ve seen on this board a lot of members have porno.
The secret is to never let sex fall off the list of priorities to begin with. Yes, I realize that’s easier said than done, but to stop having sex and then wonder why you don’t feel sexy is not any different than to stop working out and then wonder why you feel flabby. It’s always easier to maintain than to dig yourself a hole to climb out of.
Don’t hook up with SOs that are sexually incompatible with you. Just don’t. If you do, then it’s your loss. That’s the answer, basically, barring medical/psychological issues that arise, of course.
I’ve heard of this men not being interested in sex thing, but frankly, IMHO, it’s an utterly foreign concept to me. I just cannot imagine a world where anything is preferable to some sweet lovemaking.
Hey, I have no problems with porn. But the real thing’s a zillion times better. I always assumed the whole point of porn was that you WISHED you had the real thing.
I concede that apparently some men don’t want to have sex with their wives. I don’t really get that, but hey, we get old and tired. I gotta say, though, that a guy who would actually tell his wife “I don’t want to have sex, I’m playing a video game” should get either counselling or a divorce lawyer.