Recently, I met this really cool guy. He has all the trappings of being good boyfriend material: attractive, smart, funny, single, straight, right around my age, likes pets, is a nice guy. He’s a friend of a friend and comes highly recommended as a person. We’ve started hanging out, watching movies and stuff like that. We’ve been seeing each other about twice a week for a few weeks now, and I think I like him enough for a little snogging to happen.
Things are totally platonic right now. We sit next to each other on the couch, touching, we talk, etc., but nothing else has happened.
I am 34 years old and I have no idea what to do next. This guy is very much a gentleman, so he hasn’t tried anything at all. We have been spending time together, alone, watching bad movies, then he goes home and we do it again. What’s the most elegant way to segue into something more romantic than just sitting next to each other? I don’t want to rush things, and I’m not 100% sure he digs me. How do I find out without making a fool of myself?
Any advice would be welcome. Please don’t tell me to just pounce on him, because I can’t do that. I need to ease into these things, and I would perish from mortification if he rejected my overt advances.
Rather than pouncing on him, just hold his gaze for longer than you would a friend. If he looks away first, then he’s not interested. If he keeps on looking, then a kiss is just moments away…
Oh, just kiss the guy! Dispense with all the subterfuge and kiss him. On the lips. with your hand(s) on his cheek (not the ass cheek - that’s later). Then, to make sure, as if that was okay. When he nods, kiss him again.
Because simple things have a way of getting terribly complicated.
Not like I’m the one to be giving any advice on the topic of dating–I’m trying to figure out if, what, and how I should say something to the rather attractive young lass at the table in front of me who keeps turning her head but not quite giving me obvious come hither looks–but how about inviting him on a date-type outing that is pretty obviously a date–say, a picnic, or dinner at a romantic spot, or somesuch, and see how he responds. Of course, if he’s as “clueless” as you claim to be or as I certainly am, this might not provide any insight. Alternatively, you could just say to him, “I like you…let’s snog”, but then there’s the inevitable misunderstanding about what constitutes snogging.
Ah, hell, I don’t have any good advice for you. Dating is too complicated; I much prefer game theory, partial differential equations, and chess.
Start sexing it up-not sure what you’ve been wearing but it’s time to move into “I’m dressing to highlight my attributes” rather than “hanging watching movies.” You have to be subtle about it, though. I mean, probably start off with some cleavage and some shiny hair. The white shirt with oh-is-my-black-bra-showing? is a pretty decently subtle way of starting down the road to sartorial manipulation. But you may also consider, given the length of time he’s been hanging around, to upgrade to standing in front of an airconditioner to give yourself some chilly nips which is a pretty sure fire method.
Flirtatious conversation
Start looking…big eyed looks with small smiles
Suggest something more obviously date-like than slumming on the couch
Introduce alcohol
If you like him, you need to ratchet up the sexual tension.
God, Stranger, you crack me up every time you post despondently on this subject. I’m always hoping that one day I’ll run into you morosely squeezing lemons in Whole Foods (remember, we live in the same town?).
Nah, I don’t squeeze my lemons; I launch them on ballistic tracks at Page Hovse, those uptight bastards.
One of these days, someone is going to oranize an LA Dopefest. I’d do it, except everytime I try to instigate an outing at work nobody shows, so I’m definitely not the bloke to inspire communion.
makes me wanna start my own thread that’s close to this topic…
i’m a very thick skulled male. it takes TONS of work for a female to get anything goint with me. if a girl says she likes me, i’ll usually follow it up with a “yeah right…no you don’t” type comment…unless i like her too, then in that case, i’ll reply with the PROPER answer. but yeah, if a gal likes me, she’s got to jump through hoops…not that i create the hoops…well, not intentionally creating them. she’s gotta make it very known to me that she’s interested. i am the WORST (and i defy any male to out-oblivious me) when it comes to this little crap. after the initial feeling out (no pun intended) period, i’m golden. hell, i’ve got a black belt in that crap. it’s just them damned baby steps.
i’ve got no problem with making the moves…i just like to know that those said moves are going to be well recieved. i think i need an envoy…i need someone to go on and break the ice…and i can just be the Main Course.
You call being thoughtful and taking it slow “subterfuge”? I’m not trying to trick the guy, just make sure I’m doing things right. I don’t want to screw it up. I didn’t say I wanted to fuck him ASAP. I would like to kiss him and see if there’s any chemistry. He’s really very reserved, polite, and nice. It’s hard for me to tell if he really digs me. I’d hate to assume that and then find out he thinks we’re just friends.
I can wait for that… honestly. I wouldn’t mind taking things slowly and deliberately. However, I’d like to find out if it’s going to go in that direction. I’m not in a huge rush.
If you think dating is simple, then you obviously haven’t done it recently.
As for the suggestion of a picnic… you do realize it’s January here in central NY? No picinics will be happening in the next 3-4 months.
I will try having more date-like dates, perhaps involving alcohol. I gotta do SOMETHING.
You can’t wait 3-4 months for this. Look, the next time you are watching a movie, just look at him, say “I can’t help myself, I’ve wanted to do this for weeks.” and kiss him. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Guys are clueless. Make the first through twelfth moves.
What kind of touching… shanking hands or a hug when you see him?
I’m pretty much the same way because I don’t want to force myself on the girl. Have you tried putting your head on his shoulder or on his chest while you’re watching a movie? That’s the sign that tells me to make a move.
We sit next to each other, shoulder to shoulder and hip to hip. We hug goodbye. No hand holding or anything yet. I might try that first. Is that lame and corny or is it still something people do? I’ve always liked holding hands.
I may have to try this too. After I try the oh-so-daring hand holding manuever.
I’m thinking that’s the way to go.
For some background: I had an engagement break up fairly recently… so I’m feeling gunshy. I kinda rushed into things with my ex-fiance and now I feel very, very stupid and clueless. This guy I’m sorta dating now seems like a really good guy and I don’t want to do anything to screw things up, like jumping the gun. I also haven’t dated a veritable stranger in a long time (my ex was an old friend, yet he still managed to surprise me, not in a good way). I want to be cool this time. Maybe he wants to be cool, so things have remained… cool. Argh.
Not for nothing, but I think the hand holding thing is more awkward than simply leaning on him while you’re sitting on the couch. You could also put your leg across his and see what he does.
Is watching movies the only activity that you guys have done so far? What about going to a restaurant or bar or even a museum? Does or would he pay? Have you discussed relationships with him… maybe he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now.
He likes you or this wouldn’t be happening; he’d have already vanished into the wintry mists.
At approximately your age, my (now) wife arrived at somewhere near your level of desperation and asked: “Are you going to make me beg to be kissed?” Kiss ensued.
I think taking the next step gets harder when people get older. When I was a young 'un, one hour seemed to be an over-long time to wait to kiss a girl once I knew she liked me. By age 40 I’d become more deliberate. You’d think the opposite would be true but in my case older converted to: “Take it slower.”
I already lean on him and once, I even hid my face in his shoulder during a pretty violence scene in the last movie we watched! :rolleyes: I am so lame. I haven’t tried to touch him in any really obvious, blatant way, no. That will have to happen soon.
Yes, watching movies is all we’ve done. No, we haven’t discussed relationships except to express to each other that we are in fact single, have had trouble meeting decent people our own age, and we want to hang out with each other. We proceeded to hang out. I had to call him the first two times in order to make that happen, but he finally suggested a date on his own initiative, which was a relief, because I was starting to wonder. Maybe he was just being cautious… I dunno.
We are going to the movies AGAIN on Wednesday (this was his idea for the next date-- you can see we’re already in a rut). I’m going to try to touch him a little more and see if he wants to come over for actual FOOD next weekend. With wine. Whoo, I’m living dangerously. :rolleyes: So lame.
I do realize that it’s January; I did not, however, realize that Central New York is “South of Heaven”. That still doesn’t make a picnic impossible; it just takes a bit more creativity. But I digress; the point is to create a situation where he either will feel comfortable making his move, or he won’t. (Not that a woman being more aggressive is necessarily a bad thing, but it doesn’t sound as if that’s your style.)
Not necessarily; annoying Nora Ephron-penned romantic “comedies” aside, it is entirely possible for two persons of the opposite sex to be “just friends”, and indeed, I rather prefer women to men as a general matter, in no small part because there does not exist the inherent assumption that I want to talk about sports or have farting contests. But then, I’m pretty picky about who I spend any amount of time with; I’d rather curl up with a good orbital mechanics text than spend time yacking with most people, as it’s rare that I find someone with conversational interests that are genuinely challenging and intellectually stimulating.
Oh, and for the record, the blonde sitting in front of me rolled off into the sunset without so much as a goodbye. I did my best to attempt some kind of opening–this mostly involved helping her string the extension cord for her laptop and commenting on the spottiness of the WiFi connection (I managed not to launch into a dissertation about the superiority of 802.1X encryption over the notoriously insecure WEP protocols, and so forth) but that progressed nowhere. Oh well; I prefer brunettes anyway, and doubtless she had some kind of vile habit that would have been monumentally off-putting…or so I keep telling myself.
