Even More Sarcastic Answer Theatre!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Is it unethical/illegal to burn Blockbuster dvds?
You’re supposed to return rental DVDs, not light them on fire.

** Bush baiting aside what kind of leader is Venezuela’s Chavez?**
A South American one.

** If Latinos in the U.S. don’t assimilate, so what?**
The Borg will have to do it, again.

** Why does Wal-Mart want to expand into inner-city neighborhoods?**
Ooh, I dunno. To sell stuff to inner-city people maybe?

** Could Jesus have understood modern English?**
Yes, if spoken s-l-o-w-l-y and distinctly

** A Friend Daughter Is Sleeping Around- Do You Tell Them?**
No, but I tell her it could happen real soon if I don’t get lucky.

** How Will the United States End?**
Depends if the oil runs out before the killer bees get you.

** What’s inside of Jupiter?**
Atlanteans. The ones with the really cool flying saucers. Go there and see for yourself if you don’t believe me.

** Can’t Pay Taxes by April 15. Options?**
(a) Cry
(b) Panic
© Hi, Opal!

** Best way to siphon gas from a gas tank…Legally.**
Yes, that’s the best way. “Illegally” is apt to land you in a load of trouble.

** My car has a deep scratch–what to do?**
Iodine, Band-Aid, and make sure its tetanus shots are up to date.

** Buying a house for $300?**
Only in Monopoly ®

** Video Games or Driving Range?**
Depends. Are you planning on playing golf any time? Remarkably few video games will help with that.

** Four days in Vegas - what do do? What to avoid?**
Get drunk, gamble and have sex. Avoid drunkenly getting married and then having to get a shame-faced annulment, it makes you look like a skank.

** Legal types: is a reference to “Jarndyce and Jarndyce” too obscure?**
No, just “ooh, look at me, I’ve read Bleak House!” pretentious.

2

Thanks , I needed that :stuck_out_tongue:

3

Does military authority overpower police authority
Hmm. Lessee. One side’s got nukes, stealth bombers and biowarfare…the other’s got sniper rifles, helicopters and pepper gas. Gee, what do yooou think.

What positions have never been advocated on the SDMB?
Woman on top, man in vat of snapping turtles.

Why does this particular beer produce these headaches
Because you drink so much of it. What? No, I’m not yelling.

Is There Any Reason I Couldn’t Open A Restaurant That Serves Human Meat?
McDonald’s serves pretty much anyone who has $1.99 and can say the words “COMBO MEAL.”

What Can I Do To Keep My Dogs From Destroying My Hardwood Floors?
You’re gonna hate me for this, but the obvious answer is to destroy your dogs.

Dangerous Intersection: Who to Call?
GHOSTBUSTERS!

Can’t Pay Taxes by April 15. Options?
a) Extension. b) Find a great big cardboard box and move in.

To what extent does the post office honor “Return to Sender” ?
Well, it’s probably their favorite Elvis song by a factor too high to compute.

Pronunciation of "St. John"
Quote-ess-tee-period-capital-jay-oh-aitch-en-unquote. HTH!

What’s inside of Jupiter?
Well, there’s Mars, us, Venus, Saturn, Mercury, and that’s it till you get to the Big Hottie.

4

Your new Theory of the Solar System is intriguing and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. :smiley:

5

Fun Wilford Brimley Facts

There are such a thing?

** Who’da thunk**

Evidentially, some one who can

I’m ahead of my time

That’s because your time is backwards

I need goals this summer

Watch the World Cup. You’ll get plenty of goals there.

6

:smack: Fucken ADD.
Pic here 'n everything. Oh, and send me $5 a year and I’ll jam your newsletter right up your stinkpiece, 'k?

7

** Best way to siphon gas from a gas tank…Legally.**
With the permission of the owner of the vehicle.

8

Why is my penis darker than the rest of me?
Because it goes out to catch rays while you’re asleep.
“Hey Ray, over here!”

9

What do you do when you run out of gas?
Sit there like a moron, then post about it when I finally get towed home, duh!

Why do ship’s captains keep logs?
Because when you’re out at sea for years at a time you’ll do anything to keep boredom at bay. Or maybe because they’re so perfectly tubular and smell so lovely…

How is attendance figured at MLB games?
By counting how many seats have asses in them!
Where to learn about siding?
Umm, on the side?

My key won’t turn the ignition in my car. What happened?
Your car broke.

What if Jesus had not been crucified?
He wouldn’t have those interesting scars.

**What things that make you a little different have you been doing forever? **
Depends, does mass murder make me different?

10

<------ barks and claps like a seal…

11

My crazy idea has officialy been referenced!
Am I famous yet?

12

This one provides a reasonable approximation.

And if I had only $5550 spare sitting around, I could afford this.

A dog for a single person? - Four out of five Koreans agree that you’ll have leftovers.
Brits – how do you pronounce… - Either “dot dot dot”, or if you’re being fancy about it, “ellipsis.”
a problem child - Definitely was not John Ritter’s best work.

13

Oh, and one more that I keep parsing wrongly every time I see it:
Like Qadgop’s bagel-dog penis guy only orders of magnitude more and happy about it. - Where’d Qadgop get a bagel-dog penis guy?

14

No, no, NO! You’d have to SHOUT it at him! Just shout it loud enough, and repeat it often enough, and he’d understand!

15

How dishonest does this make me?
Six, on a scale from one to politician.

Law and Order: Pulled from the headlines
Another Law and Order spinoff? Didn’t the one with Vincent D’Onofrio suck enough?