Sarcastic Answer Theater

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

First, a disclaimer. This could possibly be considered a game thread, but I didn’t see any explicit game threads on the first page of MPSIMS when I began.

This is a second version of my Flip Answers to General Questions thread.

Feel free to join in, folks. Actual thread titles, and sarcastic responses.

"Can you spot the fake smile? "

Hmm. Is it the one on Dick Cheney?

"Can I have a Menorah? Should I? "

Well, if you promise to take care of it.

“How would an American go about “passing” as a Canadian when traveling abroad?”

Well, try telling everyone you meet about your wonderful health care.

"What do I need for a new baby? "

Well, you can go about it in a number of ways. If you don’t mind having a little superheroine running around the house, you only need a few pounds of clay and the blessings of the Greek gods.

“What can young Americans do to stop the AARP?”

Lure them into ambush. Stage a Matlock convention.

2

What’s the Straight Dope on Las Vegas slot machines?
Those slots don’t have meat curtains.

does honey last forever?
Nothing lasts forever but the earth & sky…

Engagement Ring - Platinum vs. White Gold?
Platinum has the weight advantage. I give it 3 rounds, win by a knock out.

$700 shocks?? Can this be right???
No!! You done been hornswaggled!!!

How do I teach cyrillic to my computer?
Threaten to take away it’s power. It worked in Tron.
What’s up with AIM?
Not much. What’s up with you?

3

How do you write a press release?
Start with an ‘A’. Then a space and then a ‘p’. Then ‘r’…

Longevity of those sentenced to life in prison
Approximately? Life.

Can BOTOX injections Turn Deadly?
Only if Fox get’s a hold of them and turns 'em into a “reality” show.

Do we need to reduce minor uses of petrolium?
Yeah, let the little creeps wait until their old enough to have a job and buy their own.

Are American Children Ever Adopted by Foreigners?
What, and get sued by the little bastard?
Wow…those were all really weak. Meh…I’m going to hit ‘submit’ anyway.

4

How do they move blimps from city to city?
Bigger blimps. In fact, it’s blimps all the way up.

Who cares if you hate sports?
Genetic mutants probably don’t look too kindly on it.

Did Vikings really wear horns on their helmets?
Yes. It all started back in '61, in Minnesota…

How to make a fax machine stop calling
Sledgehammer.

Creative Dopers: how do I preserve crib teeth marks?
Cribs bite?

Flat-out stupidest thing you’ve ever done
Post to this thread.

Overuse of Antibiotic Ointment?
No thanks. You?

What are the most obscure musicals in your CD collection?
I don’t know. They’re so obscure, they don’t even have names. I’m not even sure it qualifies as music.

5

How many languages in your music collection?
Music does not have languages. Music has notes.

6

How to use a blender without making a huge mess

Try running it with the lid on.

Social Security money piled up somewhere?

Yeah, in my garden shed out back. Sometimes I dive into it and swim around like Scrooge McDuck.

Blackjack: doubling bet: Why doesn’t it work?

Because if it did, the house might lose, and we can’t have that.

93 Chevy Lumina radio question

Yes, at this point the radio is worth more than the whole rest of the car.

Pink ducks?

No thanks; just had some for lunch.

Can I make amber at home?

Yes. You’ll need some tree sap, a few dead bugs, something to apply heat and pressure, and about 20,000 years.

How do they move blimps from city to city?

Groups of about 150 guys walk them down the highway, as if it were the Macv’s Thanksgiving day parade. Haven’t you ever seen this?

7

French speakers, language question

It’s…French.

Benefits of dabbing pizza with napkin?

You mean there’s benefits to NOT doing it?

What African tribe is the theoretical original “race”?

I would think the first one.

how does my cell phone vibrate?

It shakes.

Why do I get sick of eating the same thing but not sleeping?

Because you have too much spare time.

8

Or, 6 or 7 shots of tequilla and you should be able to.

9

**I didn’t know Google could do this **

Yeah, If you type stuff in that bar it finds pages relevant to what you typed.

10

**Gay marriage now legal in all of Canada! Yay! **
But who’d want to marry a Canadian anyway.

**“Mystery surrounds costly spy program” **
Well, duh !!!

**What “category” is Lotus Notes, VBA, and Remedy? **
They are types of computer programs.

**Why can’t we call folks what they want to be called? **
I’m not going to call you fiffy bumpskin no mater how many times you ask me to.

**England vs. IRA. Gimme some perspective. **
Well it was 2:1 after half time, but half of both teams got red carded.

**What do I need for a new baby? **
Well, son, have I told you yet about the birds and the bees …

**What’s wrong with polyester? **
Hello mr. it’s no longer the 70’s y’ know.

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Allow myself to introduce…myself

You’re very happy to meet you

Do you have what it takes to be a minimum wage burger slave?

Let’s see. Good skin. High school diploma. Lack of contempt for customers. Nope. Sorry.

Do animal rights activists hate zoos?

There are always exceptions, but generally they prefer to run free.

What causes the high drop out rates in colleges and graudate schools?

Students

What happened to hell?

It went downhill after THEY moved in

Survivor December 9 Down to the final four

I’m still going with Arizona to win it all

How can I get rid of spyware?

I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you

12

Best way to move cross-country
Catapult.

Meet the Fokkers?! What were they thinking?
Lame sequel = $100 million in profits.

How can I safely De-Static my kitten
Immerse in water.

Most gamblers are so dumb.
Most?

You’re naming your baby what!
After the famous second-baseman, I presume?

Another Reason To Wear Clothes In Minnesota In December
Hypothermia and death weren’t enough?

13

What was Helen Keller’s dog’s name?

Tripper

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**It’s Rainin’ Sequential Thread Titles! **
Did the cats and dogs go on strike?

**Thoughts of Superman **
Yes he’s the man of steel. Unfortunately, he really is faster than a speeding bullet.

**Oh man…I am so freaking tired **
Stop staying up all night to play World of Warcraft.

**Bricker: Got A Second? **
I’m not sure he had a first.

**Xmas presents to ourselves (or, how do you make a rusty nail?) **
Generally, you leave a nail outdoors. I must ask though–is that really what you want for Christmas?
**
What would you tell your 21 year old self? **
I hope you finally managed to get laid.
**
Which famous people have blogs? **
Well, I’d like to think that I’ll be famous someday.
**
Do you really own property(land)? **
Unfotunately, no. It still belongs to the bank.
**
Why google “Google”? **
They can’t remember the URL

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**Is there a test for losing your sense of smell? **

Yes, but the questions don’t make scents.

**Hot Water at Home - sometimes Hot, sometimes Not So Hot - why? **

Turn the knob. The other one.

Staining a desk

Office romances are seldom a good idea.

Penis Shrinking surgery?

…and other ‘Failed Spam’, tonight on C|Net.

16

Making cats sleep through the night

Chloroform.

costs of showing a popular TV program?

The lowering of the IQ of millions of people.

How Can I Safely De-Static My Kitten?

Pillow. Dryer. Fleecy sheets.

Argh! Siezed hard drive

Well, let go of it, then!

Anybody else watching House?

No, we’re all watching Monitor. House is out of our peripheral vision.

I am sleeping below a potential Doper

So you like being a bottom, do you?

Are Any Radio Stations in Your Market Playing Round-the-Clock Christmas Music?

Yes, and the tanks move in at 4 PM.

Post your favorite alternate Scrabble rules

However many points you have leftover, that’s how many times you get stabbed.

Do chicks dig scars?

No, chicks dig the ground and eat feed and bugs and stuff.

Thumbsucking Prevention

Take your freakin’ thumb outta your mouth!

Things that really suck.

The vacuum of outer space.

Don’t piss off the telemarketers

No. Piss on them.

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Sequential sarcastic responses!

NYC Dopers! Help! I shall be stranded in NYC!

I suggest renting the 1970 film The Out-of-Towners to get an idea of what you’re in for.

It’s raining. Wanna come play Barbies?

Sure, as long as they’re anatomically correct. I’ll bring the Miracle Whip.

I got a sympathy card from my Vet

If you ask me, that’s the least he could do after he accidently killed your puppy.*

(*note: it’s a joke. I cry over dead puppies too, you know.)

Brain in petri jar flies plane

Well, that explains that rough flight to Philadelphia last month.

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What is the animal adjective for rat?
Ratty.

In simple terms, can someone explain Godel’s Uncertainty Theorem to me?
I don’t remember.

Does spoiled food always smell bad?
Try eating it. If you get sick, yep, it was bad.

Can I have a Menorah? Should I?
Worst. Piercing. Ever.

Why was Deism so popular amongst the Founding Fathers?
She always put out.

Where is smithereens???
Where are they now! Tonight on E!

How to make a fax machine stop calling
Tell it straight up that you’re not interested in dating.

19

Silicone Cake Pans: Yay or nay?

Is that what they’re calling them these days? Yay!

Tell me your knitting stories!

Well, this one time…zzzz…

Years of Rice and Salt - opinions, especially non Western?

Mine? I’d kill for a baloney sandwich

Who made “Hold Your Head” Up a Hit?

The guy who invented the neck brace

Washington is now what?

Sodom or Gomorrah, I don’t think they’ve decided.

Whiskey v. Bourbon

The Steel Cage Grudge Match

Baby Jesus Wept

Because you taught your child about evolution

Creative suicide

Jump off a tall building onto a blank canvas

Dumb things you do when you aren’t thinking

Marry Britney Spears

Ritlidge Says Britney is Pregnant from him!

What’d I tell ya?

Best lines for “picking up” women?

I’d recommend the Power Pro Braided Spectra® fiberline with Enhanced Body Technology™

Idiot hippies

There’s another kind?

FUCK the Traditional Values Coalition

All at once, or sequentially?

Screw the Parents Television Council

Do I really have to?

Fucking incompetent dry cleaners

You really have no standards whatsoever, do you?

My hairdresser quit and left me with this yahoo

So drink it and find another hairdresser

Soldier that “dissed” Rummy a “plant”?

I hear those hydrangeas can be pretty mouthy

Do animals have any rights?

In most case, as many as they have lefts

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**Wild trees vs domestic trees. **

Wild trees always win, they are more ferocious.

**What is the limit to how tall a person can get **

They never grow taller than their tank allows.