IMHO:
Where do you buy your clothes?
At a store.
50th anniversary - is this a stupid present?
Yes.
How do you buy a bike?
Go to the bike store and ask to exchange the currency of your country for a bicycle.
Did you guys thing I was just kidding?
Yes; next time make more sense.
GQ:
What mammal has the largest testicles compared to its overall body size?
Me.
Running barefoot?
No, I’m sitting down right now; why do you ask?
How much memory does IE use?
All of it; that’s why Windows crashes so often.
Was the gold making aspect of alchemy a hoax?
No, they could really do it; unfortunately, their secret was never released to the world.
Can I buy red ochre?
Yes, but you must first go on a long and arduous quest to the ends of the earth; we’re hoping that you give up before then.
How do you get to be a General or an Admiral?
Practice, practice, practice!
Baseball: Why do hitters hit between 20% and 30% of the time?
Because they all suck.
**Why can’t you just quit the army? **
Otherwise nobody would stay.
From IMHO:
**Do You Read The Obituaries? **
Yes, I’m always hoping to see some of my friends mentioned…
**I’m going to Washington D.C. Squee! Help? **
It’s on the east coast. Kind of in the middle.
**Tell me about your memory **
Certainly. It’s… I’m sorry, I forgot the question…?
**How do you buy a bike? **
- Walk into bike store
- Select bike.
- Give clerk cash, check, or credit card.
**What can we ask of our self? **
Self, who are we?
**Do good attorneys advertise? **
Does Santa Claus crap in the woods?
**Cat sitting - how do I prepare? **
Tie the cat to the chair first.
I was just about to start one of these yesterday. Innnteresting.
Alex_Dubinsky And The Fatal Foreskin
Yes, it’s the new “adult-oriented” Harry Potter book, why do you ask?
From GQ:
Did you ever rmake a choice?
Once, when I was about 13, but I learned my lesson.
Why is my friend’s blood pressure higher than mine?
Because you’re that annoying.
Why are dairy products hard on the colon?
How would you feel about being squeezed through someone’s intestines? It just so happens that dairy products have the balls to speak up.
Bats in the House! AAAAGH!
Next time pretend you’re not home and maybe the in-laws will leave.
Car battery: health check?
Sure, if you want, but it’s a really poor substitute for a real set of defibrilators.
Any website with a database on how much celebs are worth?
You buying or selling? I’ve got a slightly used Corey Feldman…
From CS:
The Sultan’s Elephant: I just now found out about this!
Look, what the sultan and his pachyderm do is none of your damn business.
So, why did the music die with Buddy Holly?
Because his casket was sound-proof.
Naked muppets?
Not even at my most drunk, no.
From IMHO:
Need suggestions for what to do with my problem skin
Money is the great motivator. Revoke its allowance for the next month.
What is your favorite skyscraper?
My penis.
Rules for Construction Workers at Schools.
Whistling at the cute 8th grader is very bad form.
Ever been counter-offered?
Once, but I turned it down. What the hell do I need with another counter?
Driving while O’Reillying
Keep his head down low enough that the bobbing can’t be seen from the next car over and you should be pretty safe.
**How do you handle conspiracy theorists? **
With tongs.
Last night I almost posted this exact same one, but I decided it was too… cocky.
How do I make a telephone ring?
Dial its number. Jeez, Cecil was right–they’re going to have to start putting instructions on toilet paper.
Dial? Dial! Cecil was right–some folks do need correct instructions.
**Sarcastic Answers III: Not Just For GQ Anymore! **
Well, duh!
I’m a daddy again. I will bore you.
Too late.
Grandpa was a Tommy Gunner!
Sadly, Tommy was the paperboy.
I curse my mutts intelligence, posted by bluepitbull
God, where to start with this one…
Sharing an apartment with a cat
Bad idea. They play music late at night, run up the gas bill and never replace the toilet paper.
Rules for Construction Workers at Schools.
Always leave one brick loose in the wall of the girl’s shower room.
Driving while O’Reillying
Keep right.
Battlestar Galactica—Technical Question
A Wizard did it.
So, is Lieberman really gonna do it?
CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!
Which religions forbid women to wear pants or cut their hair?
Well, there’s this place in France…
**Which Celebrity Death Will Impact You Most? **
The ones I have in the Celebrity Deathpool. I need the points
Can tigers and lions dive for food.
Why don’t you get into their pool and we’l see
Yes.
Interesting.
What’s the scoop on Edgar Cayce?
Hang on…I’m sensing something…aha. I predict some responders to this thread will claim he was a fraud.
Do Crest Whitestrips Actually Work?
Nope. I hired a couple for a day job, and they just sat around doing nothing.
Want a real MIG Fighter helmet?
It depends. Is the pilot’s head still in it?
What is this alien fungus stuff in my flower bed?
Nothing. Pay it no mind. Pretend you never saw it. There is no fungus. It’s all in your head.
What non-physical traits do you find attractive?
Yeah, right. Like I go around thinking, “Whoaaa, check out the traits on that one.”
What is the correct abbreviation for–
How about-
I Think I Finally Understand Iraq
Good. Kindly clue in the military and political establishment, won’t you?
Was Mozart A Hack?
No. he was a real person who lived centuries before computers.
Anyone bicycled across their country ?
No, but my dad once drove the car over my heavy metal Lps.
I think my scale is broken
Maybe you’re just singing it wrong.
OK, what would you name 2003 UB313 (Xena)?
How about “Hey, Numbers-Butt.”
Old guy stuff. (Old girls welcome.)
Not safe for those under 18. Not palatable for those under 65.
So, why did the music die with Buddy Holly?
Easy. His manager owned all the rights.
For legal/constitutional purposes, is the United States “at war” or not?
Thanks to a loophole in a proviso in the War of 1812 Act of 1941, the United States is now legally “at lunch.” It is not expected back soon.
Alex_Dubinsky And The Fatal Foreskin
When the Germans found out he wasn’t a real Jew, they hung him for impersonating one. It cut down on paperwork.
Term for holders of bachelor’s degrees
I like “the semi-educated.”
Circumcision Can Cut HIV/AIDS Transmission
Damn kids are doing it younger and younger these days.
Sharing an apartment with a cat
Culture shock and reunion adventures: it’s the MMP!
…she said as she fell facedown into the throw pillows.
Help identify this tree.
Oh, it’s Stephanie! She lives down the block. She’s 37 feet tall and kinda gnarly around the crotch.
In Britain, every home with a TV set must pay $US248.63 per year.
In US dollars. To a US consortium that had quietly purchased every TV set in Britain. In return, the Brits get to watch commercials and all the Cagney & Lacey they can stand (rather a lot really).
Issues in time-travel gasoline sales
If you’re looking for a price war, remember to land in summertime and before 1973.
Money-saving tip: Put all phone and utility bills in the cat’s name.
Why can’t I buy wiper blades?
Wiper blades belong to no one. They are free spirits allowed to roam the car park as they please.
Austran Slave Girl
I’ve never been to Austra. How much are they going for there?
Rhododendrum tree in southwest France?
Shocking, isn’t it? Damn Frenchman appropriating our rhododendrums.
Best fix for shaving cuts
Grow a beard.
Democrats moving from republican states?
Democrats never make it into Republican states in the first place. The Democratic Border Patrol beats the hell out of any incoming Pubbies.
Liver/Gall Bladder cleansing?
What you need: Scalpel, forceps, moist towelette…
Question about “God” in Homer
J-E-B-U-S.
What should my daughter call my cousin?]
I understand “biotch” is still popular.
What’s the best way to change cassettes to digital format?
Ever seen the movie “Tron?” Like that.
Why do they leave palm tree leaves tied up after planting?
To make sure they’re properly subserviant when they grow up.
Donating blood – can caffeine and OTC medications linger in bagged pints?
Yes. It leaves a bitter aftertaste.
So what about Charon?
Did her, too. Next?
What forced move the glaciers?
Braveheart. They cried so hard when Mel Gibson was being tortured.
What went wrong with Katherine Harris?
Her designers forgot a few key pieces of anatomy and didn’t catch them in the beta test phase. Shame, really.
Can the swastika be redeemed?
Absolutely. They’re worth 20% off your next Denny’s Grand Slam.
Who’s in Charge?
Charles. Don’t you pay any attention?
Does the Bible maintain order among masses?
Where the hell did you get your chemistry degree?
Could I have any success claiming to be African-American?
It didn’t go over well when Ted Danson tried it.
Brain transplant: legal and medical ramifications?
Who cares? You’d have absolutely no recollection of requesting one afterwards.
What is the end game of Islam?
Pawn to King 4.
How do you make Long Island Ice Tea?
You will need:
4 tea bags
1c sugar
1 lemon
1c light rum
Long Island
A really, really big blender
Screw the hover car!! How long before I get my talking computer?
No, really, how new are you to this whole “teck-no-ledgy” thing?
I’m going to Disney!
Bring a sturdy shovel. I understand he’s buried quite deep.
How do you let a child know that they were adopted?
Begin the sentence with, “When we found you in the forest all those years ago…”
US Dopers: “A for Apple”? “B for Ball”?
Good! 24 more to go and we’ll move on to Dick & Jane.
How Long Since You…
It’s been…
List redundant jobs on resume?
Absolutely. The fact that you crewed at Burger King, McDonald’s, and Wendy’s is much more impressive than if you had only crewed at one.
What should my daughter call my cousin?
In certain parts of the United States, “Mom”.
Term for holders of bachelor’s degrees - Frame