How do you let a child know that they were adopted?
TM. Their little attention spans won’t handle a whole email.
SNL Purge!
Unless the first name on the list is “Michaels, Lorne”, I don’t think anybody cares.
How many sexual partners have you had?
All of them. Duhhhh?
Mercedes Air Conditioning
Developed for deep-sea divers to keep them from getting the Benz.
Do Republicans support a stronger UN?
Depends whether you mean United Nations (no) or underwear noogie (answer unknown).
Pluto No LONGER a Planet?
Nope, it’s the same length planet it ever was.
The ‘purge’ not worth mentioning (RI)
See above re “SNL”.
What are the better seats for a day at tennis?
I recommend the line judge’s box, or perhaps the camera pit. Tough tickets, though.
Outdated information you were taught in school
That the sun revolves around God’s nutsack; that baking soda is made from the bones of a black cat; and that Teddy Roosevelt personally dug the Panama Canal with the world’s largest Erector Set.
** R.I.P Arthur Lee**
Didn’t he write To Kill a Hummingbird?
**Diogenes, a word about your behavior… **
…and stop masturbating while I’m talking to you.
Rep. Katherine Harris Condemns Separation of Church, State
She’s saving the rest of the Constitution for when she gets into the Senate.
Why do Japanese films use giant robots & monsters so much?
Because human actors in Japan tend to be on the small side.
What recent nut cases have your run across?
My haven’t run across any lately.
Cheap vacation alternative to Destin, FL
Consider Cumberland, MD. Nothing to see, nothing to do, nowhere to eat. Just think of the money you’ll save.
Who is the fastest death metal drummer ever?
No one will ever know, because they always die trying for the record. Nasty business.
What is your favorite skyscraper?
L’Immeuble Souterraine in Brussels. It consists of a 555-foot hole in the ground filled with European Union back-office workers.
Do Crest Whitestrips actually work?
No. They just sit around all night stuck to your teeth. What do you want them to do, put up drywall or something?
From GQ:
**Why can’t you just quit the army? **
You can. All it takes is one bullet.
**Why do they leave palm tree leaves tied up after planting? **
Because they’re tricky bastards. Can’t trust 'em.
**What’s the best way to send someone money in another country? **
Via my bank account.
**Tell me about cattle guards. **
They are a cheaper alternative to hiring evil henchmen.
**What is this alien fungus stuff in my flower bed? **
Do not worry, Earth person. It’s just there To Serve Man.
More GQ:
**What large blue object did I see from an airplane? **
That would be known as the “sky”.
**Is there really a Sound that Kills? **
Paris Hilton’s attempt at an album.
**Bigger nose after sleep **
That’s only Pinocchio’s version of “morning wood”.
Foreplay: Yay or neigh?
Let’s leave Catherine the Great out of this, shall we?
CS:
Did I Really Miss 4 Hurricanes?
That depends on how you felt about them when they left.
Who can help me get my children’s book published?
WAG: A publisher?
IMHO:
**So, what are your thoughts on virginity?
[/quote]
Highly overrated. Cheap parts, shoddy workmanship. One prick and it’s gone.
How did you find your Dope?
I discovered I hid it in my sock drawer.
Foreplay, yay or neigh?
Yay. Horses just want to get straight down to business.
They banned what?!
Seriously?! Fuck. How the hell am I supposed to make do with only four interrogatives?!
How many sexual partners do you WISH you’d had?
All of them.
Tampering with the food of problem restaurant customers - as prevalent as it seems?
Not at all. By the way, how was that last Reuben you had?
Doctor vs. Nurse Practitioner/Dr.'s Assistant
Terrible fight. The doctor kept calling their shots and the assistant kept trying to grab the doctor’s genitals with the forceps. The Doctor/OBGYN match was much more entertaining.
What is the effect of having many sexual partners?
A lot of smiling.
MPSIMS:
City or Country?
Country. Whoever heard of “city music?”
It’s official – 24 years later, I’m a grad student
Longest. Final exam. Ever.
Supernova live
Don’t sit in the front row. The solar flares are a bitch.
From GQ
"Abandon all hope, ye who enter here"
Heh. Still glad you married my ex?
What life-threatening complications might a paralysis victim have, years later?
Well, everything from respiratory troubles to the newest syndrome diagnosed by some doctor in Switzerland named “Oh-Shit-I-Can’t-Move-Out-Of-The-Way-Of-The-Speeding-Train.”
**Urinating in the Shower and Water Conservation **
I find that urinating in the shower does not conserve half as much water as urinating in my boss’s coffeepot.
Is there really a Sound that Kills?
Oh yes, especially if that sound starts with something like "I’m not saying you’re fat, honey, but . . . "
**What makes you nauseous during a hangover? **
Oh, I don’t know, genius, maybe it was the 23 beers I drank the night before.
**How strictly are the new carryon luggage sizes being enforced? **
The carrion luggage size is very strictly enforced nowadays. The other day, I was turned away for trying to board with three pieces of roadkill. They let me take the gopher and squirrel with me, but Mr. Whiskers went straight into the luggage compartment.
Yes, I know I’m going to hell.
**Strength of a giant **
And the balls of Tweety Bird (Don’t do Dianobol, kids).
**How do I make a telephone ring? **
Wrap it really tight in a circle and then put it on your finger.
**LECLERCIA ADECARBOXYLA. What is it? **
It’s really hard to spell.
**Does Anyone Know 8,9 and 10? **
Yeah, 8 and 10 are cool, but 9 is kind of a square.
Incidentally, is anyone else recalling the old Mad Magazine feature, “Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions?”
GQ:
**The French Flag’s Appearance? **
A white standard, on a field of white.
**Tipping the butler? **
No, but I’m boffing the maid.
**How far can one travel without returning? **
Why don’t you try it and find out?
**What exactly is 310,000 gallons of water like? **
Wet. Very, very wet.