Why can’t I sing and play an instrument at the same time?
–Obviously, it’s because you suck. You really, really suck.
If someone with a very secret Govt job dies do they get a public obituary notice?
–No, they get a very secret obituary notice.
Opposite of phallic?
–Yer mom last night. :moronic laughter:
Why do humans cook food?
–For the same reason bricks don’t.
Why don’t stray dogs form packs?
–Lack of dog cub scouts
**Boar and/or tile games and Triangles
**I try not to play games with pigs.
**Can sound waves bend metal?
**No, but certain words can blister paint…
**How Much Does/Should A Newborn Eat?
**That’s “how many does should a newborn eat?” and children shouldn’t eat whole game animals until they’re a year old.
Missing a dose of effexor
No I’m not, you forgot your question mark, and what are you implying?
How could I buy artwork by Charlie Crumb?
Oh! How could you?
How Commoditized Are Modern Macs?
Thanks to rigorous specifications and corporate quality control systems, MacDonalds food products now are freely traded all over the world.
Just beautiful.
I consider the will to be an illusion
Just suck it up dude, your Aunty left all her money to the cat home.
Why do Buddhists wear orange?
It’s a sensible precaution during hunting season, particularly since they’re unarmed.
Invisible scary skeletons kept me up late last night
It’s those damn voices – telling me to burn things.
How would a history book written by the victorious Nazis read?
In German
What’s the single greatest run in comics history?
My vote goes to the Superman/Flash race around the world
What to do in San Francisco/Anything to do in Springfield, MO
It just goes to show, you think you have problems, and then some poor soul comes along to put things into perspective
Should I drop out of college?
Not if you’re in Springfield, MO
How do you get up?
I head in the opposite direction from down.
Is this freedom?
It is if I say it is.
Why do people think my login name in Karl?
I usually think your login name in English. What language is Karl?
Should I have my dad hypnotized?
Depends. Do you need the eggs?
Learning the trumpet?
Nope, just bad gas. Sorry.
Can I get over a sinus infection without antibiotics?
I’m not sure. Is your sinus infected with biotics?
How do you get up?
Porn.
3 Things You’ll Never Do
Walk off a cliff.
Drink piss.
Punch the Prime Minister.
Simple math question about population
Yep; it’s getting bigger.
Consider a cube made of resistors
OK. Now what?
How do pilot and co-pilot share handling the main controls to an airplane?
They push the stick in opposite directions, and the one who pushes hardest wins.
Why can’t I look at my own medical charts?
Because they’re hanging off the far end of the bed.
Was there communion wine during Prohibition?
Yes. In fact, there were a number of religious sects that formed during the period, on the basis that the ancient Hebrew had been mistranslated and actually referred to communion gin.
A really stupid question
No, actually that’s a really stupid statement. Questions customarily end with a question mark. See?
The Toyota emblem - what is it?
It’s not an emblem, it’s an anti-radar device. You can go as fast as you want. Really.
**What happens if married parents disagree over the name of their newborn child?
Damn submit button jumped out in right in front of my speeding cursor. Curses.
What happens if married parents disagree over the name of their newborn child?
An arbitrator is called in, and they are forced to name it ‘Otis’ or ‘Hermione’, depending on gender.
Indecency complaints about the Olympics opening ceremony.
While the athlete tearing off his clothes, expressing his undying devotion to his ex was probably out of line, you must realize he’s really carrying a torch for her.
**What Are the Consequences of an R7 credit rating? **
Nothing special, but you’ll want to shoot for something higher. The R2 credit rating, for instance, signifying selling out after making a highly successful trilogy of science fiction films and having, as a result, millions and millions of dollars.
**British Buffy Fans - I have a question **
Let me guess - “What’s all this, then?”
Death Penalty for Peterson; A bad call by the jury?
Well, he was travelling when he went to the hoop; still, it does seem a bit extreme.
**Teen slang, “Dragging” **
You misheard. It’s “Dragoning” - watch your child carefully, she may be beginning a descent into the dark world of roleplaying games.
If you were sent back to 1800 and could only take one machine what would it be?
The time machine they used to send me there.
Sticky: IMPORTANT: Slight changes in forum rules - resurrection not forbidden
Sticky: Comment on new Forum Rules
Sticky: Forum Rules: PLEASE READ
If a picture’s worth a thousand words, how many feet of red tape are 3 Sticky threads of rules worth?
“Alien” nitpick: How did it get so big?
Flattery wil get you nowhere. And no, I was born here.
Movie pet peeve: casting actors of inappropriate age for the role.
Without even reading the thread, I’ll lay 6-1 odds there’s been at least one mention of Anakin Skywalker and Wesley Crusher
What M. Night Shyamalan movies do you like?
I wonder how many people listed Unbreakable and heaped scorn on The Sixth Sense
Enterprise - “Hoshi Effect” [Spoilers] ( 1 2 )
I’m looking forward to the Enterprise Hush Effect thread
Lame Artists Who Made One Good Song?
Elvis doing Jailhouse Rock
Commercials that make you cry…
That one for Lipton’s Onion soup mix gets me everytime
Idiot’s Delight Interviews I Must Share - Pete Hamill ¤ Jeff Buckley ¤ Norah Jones
Why do these assholes start threds like this?
Could a Nazgul kill Gandalf?
Could a mod please kill this (millionth) LOTR thread?
Battlestar Galactica- 1/21 “Bastille Day”(Spoilers)
Don’t watch it. All I can do is thank Christ the SciFi Channel can’t remake Space 1999 without looking like complete idiots
Desperate Housewives 1/23 (Contains spoilers)
Spoilers? I assumed soap operas were exempt from requiring that kind of warning.
is God a dinosaur?
Yes, he’s a velociraptor and he says you’d better be in church this week.
Why does a cat eat pampas leaves?
Because the holly leaves scratch too much going down.
Why does loss of blood cause numbness?
Loss of blood causes death. Death causes numbness.
Why does a cat eat pampas leaves?
Because it can.
How many lottery tickets must be bought to assure every combination of numbers?
All of them.
Why are flies so fast?
Because they fly.
Do vegetarians live longer?
No, it just seems that way.
Gruesome mutilation crime
As opposed to the non-gruesome mutilation crime?
My computer’s microphone stopped working.
Fire it.
Preventing IE from taking focus.
Rub it with vaseline.
Why do dogs chase their tails?
Because they can (like the cats who eat pampas leaves)
How do movies get translated?
Through translators.
Why do dogs shake their heads?
Predictably, because they can.
How do winter clothes protect us from the cold?
By keeping us warm.
What’s fun to do in Plano, TX?
Leave?
What should I put in my five gallon aquarium
I’d start with water.
Have you blown up a picture to poster size? How’d it turn out?
Big.
What would it take for you to become a zoo exhibit?
Bars. And some sort of legislative reform.
Would this be concidered life?
No. You should get out more. See a movie once in a while.
**How can they tell when a song is performed for copyright? **
The band starts playing their instruments and the singer starts singing.
Why outside mailboxes in America?
Because when they tried inside mailboxes, the mail carriers kept getting arrested for B&E.
**Why do low-res images look worse close up? **
Because you’re sitting wayyyyyy too close to the monitor.
positive effects of smoking?
Death.
Why Are Mothers Awarded Custody More Often Than Men?
I’m thinking it’s because family has priority.
Ashlee Simpson’s new show…
The Proper Timing for Convincing Lip Synching
hypothetical auto accident question
Insurance fraud is a crime, buster!
I agree with Caligula, aren’t people awful?
No they’re just drawn that way
What happened to the Presidential Inauguration?
Damn. It was right here in Washington, DC a minute ago
What’s with the arrogance?
Who you calling arrogant? Huh? Well?
Campbell’s soup is going DOWN
Dammit. I should have listened to my broker
You laughed when they went after the Telletubbies
You’ll wet yourself when they go after the Wiggles
Seems like time for more mini-rants
Now with wings and extra absorbency
Teachers are lazy wankers
You’re a role model, put some spirit into that wanking!
Moron dies of ecstasy overdose
At least he died smiling
**Mackin’? **
Nope. Windowsin’.
**Why does your heart hurt? **
Could be those 5 burritos I had…
**Can the bladder re-absorb liquid? **
Why? Are you trying to un-pee?
I’m going to hell for this
Is that how the blood got on Ian’s clothes?Holly scratching too much going down?
**Commercials that make you cry… **
You know that Domino’s one, about the extra pizzas for five dollars each?
**Lost 1.14: “Special” **
The castaways take the short bus off the island.
**OMFG: There really IS a Kegelcisor® **
From the people who brought you the Penis Mightier.
**What can be done to improve communism? **
Privatize it.
**Democracy: The Cure for Terrorism? **
Take two houses of legislature, and call me in the morning.
**Canadian #1s-where can I find them? **
Regrettably, all the first-issue Canadians like the original Barry Manilow are owned by private collectors, and sometimes fetch up to $50,000 on the open market. (That’s $32.50, in American dollars.)
**“Lost in Space” backstory: Who was Dr. Smith working for? **
NAMBLA.
**Why does my car still work after 100K miles of not changing the oil? **
Matchbox only uses high-quality die-cast metal.
What’s fun to do in Plano, TX?
Well, you can go visit nearby Plinko, TX, original home of the game that the Price is Right made famous.