Bride of Sarcastic Answer Theater

What are highway mileage signs based on?
Distance.

US Claims Services
But they never actually produce.

When Indians reservations end, how will it happen?
Well, if they don’t show up after thirty minutes, we give the table to someone else.

Why is Sharon Stone famous?


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Please help me feeling better about taking loans for grad school!!
It’s better than smoking crack!

"Rooter" or “rOWter”?
“Switch.”

diagnose the problem with my car
It… won’t start.

Talk to me about keeping a gun
Assuming you already know about food, water, and litter removal, just remember to oil it up and fondle it while muttering from time to time.

Make Winston Laugh

What am I…a clown? I’m here to amuse you?

No, but you are here to post things best read in Robert DeNiro’s voice.

**Who’da thunk there were that many drugs… **
Two words: Anna Nicole

They’re going to cut me.
You should have paid them off weeks ago.

We had a 4.1 earthquake last evening.
Goddamned Russian judge.

I was asked to leave the dog park
When rappers advise you to ‘pick up bitches’ … oh, nevermind.

Ask the guy in Baghdad
So, did the Americans commit suicide as Bob predicted?

Hey, every gubernatorial race needs a candidate who is nuts
Peas, peas, peas, peas
Eating guber peas!
Goodness, how delicious,
Eating guber peas!

Punchlines to Dirty Jokes
“Rectum? Damn near killed 'im!”

A particularly pithy passage
Pow.

Can They See What I’m Doing?
Yes, they’re just too polite to say anything.

My friend’s going to be alright.
Even with other guys sleeping with his girl?

**I’m going to be in London **
So you’re in international traveler - go ahead, throw that in my face. I am soooooooo impressed.

I bought a hip flask
It’ll go with your groovey cups and fab picknic basket then.

How do you do it?
Well there are the birds and then there are the bees and… um … go ask Mother…

Chicken Oscar questions
The acceptance speach was clucking fowl.

What if Reagan was assassinated 25 years ago?
New Iskander
We would have been spared 4 years of Dan Quayle

What benifit do Scientologists get from being Scientologists
Bippy the Beardless
Week 1 of their programming includes intensive spelling lessons

The legacy of Herbert Hoover
Mr. Moto
A car in every pot and a chicken in every garage

Are legislators really in a conspiracy to perplex the people?
BrainGlutton
Nah. Their theft, dishonesty & elitism is pretty much out in the open

Could a Mormon get elected POTUS?
John Mace
We’ve already had our fair share a morons, an extra M isn’t gonna kill anyone

What would happen if Palestinians were declared to be Israeli citizens?
sweeteviljesus
Bus overcrowding would be hora-ble

Tell me why my son should not join the Marines
samclem
If I promise not to tell you, will you promise not to ask?

25 Year Presidential terms
Quartz
Subtitled: Perennial coups and assasinations

Texas police sweep bars & arrest intoxicated patrons in hotel bars- Isn’t this wrong?
astro
Letting the handcuffed drunks slip on a dirty floors would be better?

The legacy of Jimmy Carter
Chefguy
Laser hemorrhoid surgery

When Indians reservations end, how will it happen?
specie
Casino expansion crowding out the teepees

Is there something we can all agree on?
Revenant Threshold
Yeah. Your OP sucks

How to Speakers create indivdual sounds?
Jinx
Stererophonically. For speakers create them qudrophonically

How do I connect my laptop to the hotel TV so I can watch DVDs?
robdavsuss
Too cheap to get pay-per-view porn, huh?

How do they count the amount of people at a protest?
gitfiddle
They tally up the number of unique Birkenstock prints left on the ground

Are there special rules for military people invovled in politics?
HPL
Purge all references to integrity and bravery you were taught in boot camp from your memory

Are mortars still used as weapons?
KlondikeGeoff
Not since John Pemberton discovered that club-like pestles do alot more damage

Any truth to Air Companies wanting to ease your final moment?
Surbey
People flying coach are notified of open bar at the first class drink cart

*Have any legal tender coins been made largely from platinum?
Derleth
*Hmm- I don’t think a coin made from platinum would be very tender.

What if France had won the First Indochina War?
Martini Enfield
There would not have been a Second.

My brother and I are looking to go white water rafting in Georgia. Need suggestions!
If your name is Ned Beatty, you might want to take a raincheck.

Why can’t I recognize Naomi Watts?
Never mind that, why won’t she recognize me?

What benifit do Scientologists get from being Scientologists?
The CoS doesn’t tell the public about their secrets… like, say, being gay.

How many exclamation points?
NONE!!!

"Data" as a plural – anyone holding out for this one?
No. I’m still holding out for a social life.

Is the Drudge Report conservative?
Water is wet… developing…

What’s the sexiest animal?
Your Mom. It had to be said.

condolences etiquette
See this thread.

New Wikipedia Game
The rules are simple. First, one person posts the rules, then the next person can add to or correct the rules.

Condolences etiquette
It’s Condoleeza damn it! A disc jockey in St. Louis already got fired for screwing it up.

Windows media player won’t play Windows media audio
Throw them both out the window.

Minimum size of the U.S. armed forces
5’ 4" for men, 4’11" for women

How’s THIS for obscure?
How’s WHAT?

Where’s the national flag displayed in your country?
On a pole, usually.

Where school marks important to you?
Only spelling

Your experiences with ADD/ADHD meds wanted!
I’ve been on Ritalin since I was diagnosed at oh look at the butterfly!

Your experience with crystal deodorant
It clogged up the pipe something fierce, but I got real messed up. And my brain smelled great!

I just had to redo one from the OP: (one that occured to me a few times when seeing the thread title.)

Talk to me about keeping a gun
Well, what’s the problem with keeping it? Who’s gonna try to take it away from you?? I mean – you’ve got a gun! If someone tries to take it away, you can just point it at them and say ‘one step closer and I’ll shoot you!’

(I thought getting a gun was the hard part, not keeping one.)

Someone has offered me a free car—should I take it?
Uh, for free? Yes.

Is there any way I can beat this traffic ticket?
Nope.

How do I get rid of my squirrel problem?
Probably by getting rid of your squirrels.

Why don’t Nevada and Hawaii observe DST?
Because they’re sane. Why do the other 48 states, as well as the majority of the world observe it?

Glueing something to skin
Yes. It’s perfectly safe. Trust me.

TV Programming @ Daylight Saving
The changeover happens at 2 am, so… infomercials.

Does Daylight Saving actually save energy?
No, it saves daylight. Duh.

So what’s the deal with Steak and Shake?
They both start with S, and they rhyme.

Why Science Is Awesome
Just had your first semester of high school chem, huh?

How do you catch a polar Bear?
With a polar bear trap.

Doesn’t he eventually get tired?

Sugar pills in oral contraceptives
Jimmy, your mother and I have something to tell you.

Why are tribal women so, ummm, “floppy”?
If they were stiff, they’d be tribal men.

What is the Augur Buzzard supposed to augur?
Dead flesh.

I just got rear-ended. Now what?
Ask for a reach-around.

"Data" as a plural – anyone holding out for this one?
They did this one already: “Datalore”, Season 1, Episode 8. It sucked. Get over it.

Would you allow your child to read/have Playboy magazine?
Only if she’s in it.

I lied.
We guessed.

Pulling the chair out from under special ed students
The looks on their faces are friggin’ hilarious! (ok, I’m going to hell for that one)

What to get for two kittens?
Two bread rolls, and maybe some ketchup.

is it insulting to christians to not capitalize pronouns referring to deity?
I don’t know. Is it insulting to Dopers to not capitalise thread titles?

**Something makes me break out in hives–but what? **
If I were somewhere full of bees, I’d break out as fast as I could too.

** Fountain Pen Dopers: Wanna Do an Ink Swap?**
Oh look, a penful of someone else’s ink. My life is now complete.

** Teaching evolution; dealing w/ opposition. How?**
Address the arguments made by the other side and point out the flaws in them. Ya flunk Debating 101?

** Are used cribs dangerous?**
Well, if the previous occupant died of something catching, I’d beware.

** Is the rhinoceros beetle really the world’s strongest animal?**
Why not hitch one up to a bull African elephant and find out? :rolleyes:

** How long can you keep bread good in a fridge?**
Up to half an hour with the threat of being sent to the bottom of the stairs, but it doesn’t really have the attention span for anything longer.

** How long could a massively overweight person survive without food?**
Twenty minutes, tops. That’s how they got to be massively overweight in the first place.

** Any truth to Air Companies wanting to ease your final moment?**
Of course! Because if you died in a plane crash, and it hurt, you might never buy another ticket.

** So what do you know about outboards?**
You don’t have to pretend to be straight when you post on them.

** Anyone know about wierd sword things?**
You ask this on the Internet? You’ll get geek-stomped to death in nanoseconds.

** Should women rule the world?**
What, still?

** What if Reagan was assassinated 25 years ago?**
He’d have been dead.

** Are legislators really in a conspiracy to perplex the people?**
Of course not. Please report for processing immediate. [sub]fnord[/sub]

** Where Are All the Blond Nazis?**
Hiding out in a remote mountain in Bolivia, waiting for Hitler’s clone to grow. It’s taking longer than they expected.

** Why do people start smoking?**
Because you’re overheating them.

** Is American Idol The Only Way To Make It In The Music Industry Today?**
No, I believe fellating a record producer is as efficacious now as forty years ago.

** Would you allow your child to read/have Playboy magazine?**
They’d have to have a lot more Star Wars articles before my seven-year-old would be interested in it.

** ADHD people living abroad: Difficulties with meds?**
No, I just have to go to the pharmacy and – Ooh! Shiny!

** Could someone talk some sense into me, pls.?**
Sadly, education is only as good as the mind of the student.

Civil engineering: or, how do I get rid of a moat in my yard?
But then, how will you keep marauding knights at bay?

What benifit do Scientologists get from being Scientologists
Not getting sued by the Scientologists.

How do you estate lawyers know when their clients die?
They just hold a mirror up to their mouths and see if it fogs up.

I’d say we’re about due a new Robin Hood movie, no?
No.

I think I broke Google
Shit. Now I have to go back to asking Jeeves.

Explain you user name
why?

Can America trust atheists?
Well, their churches are very clean and their services very short…

Wouldn’t it be sexier for one partner to act as a “succubus”?
what if the other partner doesn’t have a bus?

White water rafting in upstate New York, any suggestions?
yes. don’t.

Pulling the chair out from under special ed students
is fun, especially the looks on their faces. Then we all LAUGH!

What does a proofreader make?

Little red marks in the page margins…