I just learned one of our neighbors has died. We weren’t exactly friends, mostly our interactions were waves and ‘good mornings’ as our path crossed. Still, of course I’m sorry she had died and I want to express sympathy/support to the family.
The thing is, that family is jewish, my family isn’t, and I’ve no idea what would be considered appropriate. I presume there will be a religious service, but would non-jews be welcome? Do they have a wake? Home visitation?
Do I send flowers or drop by with food or make a donation to ???
(I suspect this can’t really be addressed well without knowing if they are Orthodox or Reform or whatever – unfortunately I don’t know. Though I’m pretty sure they aren’t any of the really strict Orthodox groups, just going by dress and that I’ve seen them driving and doing yard work on Saturdays. )
Among observant Jews, burial has to take place within 48 hours of the death, IIRC. There is no wake or viewing, and flowers are not used. Generally, casual acquaintances won’t be asked to the funeral itself; I don’t think there’s any prohibition on attending but I don’t think you’d offend them by not being there.
Stopping by with gifts of food during the week after the death is generally very welcome. Make sure that what you offer is kosher (no pork or seafood products, no mixed meat and dairy products, etc.). They don’t sound strict enough to have any problem eating something from a non-kosher kitchen as long as the food itself is kosher in composition (and maybe they’ll eat non-kosher food too, I don’t know, but might as well be on the safe side).
Definitely no viewings, as Kimstu said, and I don’t think there are wakes. But yes, there’s home visitation. The practice is called sitting shiva, and for a couple of days after the funeral, including directly after burial, guests are welcome to drop by to spend some time with the bereaved family, pay their respects and (in every example I know of) have some snacks. Shiva calls are very low-key and are not a thing to be dreaded at all. If you don’t know already, at the service I am sure you would be able to ask whose house shiva will be at, and the family members will be able to tell you.
Jewish funeral customs also vary slightly based on the level of observance of the family. Traditionally and in observant families, the family sits shiva for a full week, unless shiva is interrupted by a holiday. Reform and other less observant Jews will often sit for only a few days, and at specified hours. It is best to call the family to find out when they will be sitting.
Typically, it will be similar to the more informal sort of wake, in which visitors simply spend time speaking with the family. Depending on when you go, there may be a minyan, usually evening prayers, which is a short religious service held daily for the observant, which includes the mourner’s kaddish, a prayer for the breaved. Generally, it is appropriate for you to stand respectfully during the minyan, and to wear a yarmulke (skullcap) if one is provided. They may pass out a card with the mourner’s kaddish, usually both in hebrew and transliterated, and it is appropriate for you to read along with the group.
Gifts of food are traditional, and there will most likely be food in abundance at the shiva. As a neighbor, a small gift of cookies or the like would be appropriate. I would try to make sure that the food is actually kosher (they have a K, an O encircling a U, or a similar mark on the package). Even if the neighbors were not particularly observant, they may have family members who keep kosher.
As a neighbor, it may be even a nicer gesture to offer to provide dinner for the family sometime after the formal shiva. The family will likely be deluged with food during the shiva, but may really appreciate support after the immediate activities calm down.
Traditionally flowers are NOT welcome – because after a few days, the flowers will die.
Shiva lasts for seven days (starting with the day of burial – 1 based indexing), which makes sense since the word shiva is a form of the word sheva, “7.”
A Jewish funeral is always closed-coffin; the traditional reasons are (1) so people who don’t like the deceased won’t be able to defile them after death; and (2) once the body is cleansed for burial, the coffin stays closed to maintain that purity.
It is standard practice at the burial for everybody to take part in filling in the grave, at least enough to cover the coffin. It is also traditional to show your reluctance by making the first shovelful with the back of the shovel, and by not handing the shovel to the next person but returning it to the dirt pile.
When visiting during shiva, it’s traditional to enter without announcement and leave without announcement; I forget the reason for this. Paging zev…
Thank you all! I will probably skip the service since it doesn’t sound all that expected, but I will definitly visit, and then invite the family over for dinner the following week.
Now my memory is jogged, I remember how DELUGED we were with food after my father died. We appreciated the thought, of course, but…
I only wanted to echo what other people have said. We didn’t officially sit shiva after my father’s funeral (his family is Jewish, though non-observant), but we had food coming out of our ears and people coming over to the house to visit. It was all low-key, including the service, which I deeply appreciated.
I hope the family that got the ham at least appreciated the meaning of the gesture, if not the ham itself!
Indeed. They were very gracious, and this poor guy didn’t realize his mistake until he told someone else what he’d done, and got a horrified expression.
I have to admit I don’t understand how anybody could know that ham is not a good thing to give a Jewish family, but I also think it’s pretty funny, and a little levity under such circumstances isn’t necessarily a bad thing!
As others have pointed out, funerals are usually held shortly after death. Preferably, it should be done the same day - however, it can be delayed for a day out of honor for the deceased (such as that, if it would result in a greater funeral turnout, it will often be done the next day).
People who sit shiva are the immediate family members of the deceased (parents, siblings, spouses and children). Shiva is usually observed in the home of the deceased, although this is not required.
The mourners will usually sit on the floor or on low stools. The mirrors in the house will be covered.
The custom is to wait for the mourner to begin speaking. Keep the conversation light. Try not to ask too many questions that the mourner has probably answered a thousand times already. Don’t offer platitudes (“he’s in a better place”)… simply offer friendship and companionship.
It’s customary upon leaving to offer the following wish HaMakom Y’nachem Eschem B’shoch Sh’a’ar Aveili Tziyon V’Y’rushalayim - May God comfort you along with all the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.
There probably won’t be a wake, at least not in the sense of a party celebrating the life of the deceased. There won’t be a viewing.
There are several reasons why flowers are not appropriate. One is that Jewish funerals are supposed to be simple affairs, so that poor people don’t go into debt trying to give their loved ones a worthy funeral. Another is that flowers at funerals are viewed as a non-Jewish custom, and something that all but the most assimilated Jews would avoid.
Men may refrain from shaving for a while after the funeral, and men and women may refrain from having their hair cut (how long depends on their level of observance and their relationship to the deceased).
The funeral service won’t have a lot of discussion of Jewish ideas about the afterlife, as a Christian service might. It’s very unlikely that there will be any speeches about the necessity of the living mending their ways, like there are at some Christian funerals. There may be several people giving eulogies. If you did go, it’s possible that you would be expected to shovel some dirt into the grave.
What might be an even nicer thing to do, if you can, is to offer to help with transporting out-of-town relatives to and from airports, hotels, and the like. They may be deluged with food, but not have enough people to do things like that.
It’s so the mourners don’t feel obligated to concern themselves with social pleasantries during a very stressful time in their lives. It’s considered OK, in fact, for the mourners not to acknowledge a visitor at all, if they don’t feel up to it.
You can say it in English if your Hebrew isn’t all that- it’s still considered a very nice thing to say.
I’ve known other Jewish famililes sitting shiva to appreciate food items that don’t need to be eaten immediately. There are only so many deli platters a family can handle at any one time, but things that can go into the freezer for after the immediate hubbub has died down (but while they are still tied up with the aftermath of the death, both in terms of having stuff to do to clear up the deceased’s final affairs and in terms of being too zonked to shop or cook) can come in very handy.
A simple word of advice to non-Jews. If it is an ultra orthodox or Hassidic funeral do NOT go. You are not wanted there. It is their death, their loss, their family. there are simply too many customs for you to learn overnight. Leave them alson–send a card, that is it. We do NOT want you there!