The grandmother of Hallgirl1’s boyfriend has died and the funeral will be tomorrow (Monday). Since the boyfriend and Hallgirl1 are pretty serious (they’re living together and the families have all met, etc.), I will be attending the funeral. His family is Jewish, and Bubby will be buried in what I would assume will be a typical Jewish funeral.
I could use some information about what to expect, what to wear (or not wear), what to do (or not do), etc. It’s been forever since I’ve been to a non-Jewish funeral, and never since I’ve been to a Jewish funeral. I don’t want to embarrass Hallgirl1 or the boyfriend and his family.
It’s very simple-- like any doper knows, the only real rule is : don’t be a jerk. And that’s obviously not an issue here.
Just show up and greet the mourners with some sincere words of sympathy.
Nothing you do or don’t do will offend anybody. Nobody will expect you to take part in any ritual or anything. And there’s no dress code.
Really–there’s nothing to worry about. Sit back, watch one or two rituals, and that’s all there is to it.
If the family is ultra-orthodox (“chasidic”) (and I assume that they are not)–they may politely ask you to , say, sit with men and women separately, or whatever. (and in this case, wear a dress and long sleeves, not slacks. )They may mumble lots of weird Hebrew prayers for 5 or even 10 minutes…if so, just sit there and wait till they finish.
No, they’re not ultra-orthodox–Although they keep kosher at home, they don’t keep kosher outside the home, and I’ve never heard of them going to synagog. They do celebrate the Jewish holy days though, but the boyfriend is real vague on a lot of Jewish stuff, so I don’t think he’s had an in-depth Jewish upbringing. His sister married a non-Jew, and although Hallgirl1 obviously isn’t Jewish, his family loves her.
A few bullet points (this is all assuming they keep with the traditions I am aware of and experienced in my Family):
The service will be closed casket. Only the family can look and that is prior to the service.
Dress how you wish in dark colors of course. Don’t bring flowers. For most Jewish cemeteries flowers are verboten.
After the ceremony in the Funeral home, there will be a procession to the Cemetery. At the graveside will be another ceremony. In my family, when I buried my parents, my siblings and I said a few words. The casket will be lowered into the ground and people will be invited to shovel dirt onto it. This makes some people uncomfortable but is meant to be an honor.
Generally from there you will be invited back to wherever the family is sitting Shiva. Outside the house should be a pitcher of water. Rinse your hands with the water before entering.
Rather than bringing flowers (see above), bring food to take with you to the house. The immediate family isn’t suppose to cook for themselves while sitting Shiva so gifts of food are appreciated. You might also notice some family members sitting on crates or other things besides chairs. That is a part of the ritual (not everyone follows it but you might see it). The family will usually sit either three, five or seven days with people visiting nightly.
Also, be aware that approximately a year from now will be a second ceremony called an Unveiling where the head stone is revealed with another grave side ceremony and food is served after.
A hat for either men or women, or a head scarf for women, especially at the graveside. Given the time of year, if you’re in the Northern temperate zone this shouldn’t be a stretch.
Some good misc. information is available at JewFaq.
In my experience (growing up Jewish, with friends from various congregations), all things about Jewish traditions are variable. I tend to err on the formal side of things, but people are very forgiving. The “don’t be a jerk” advice above is good - just show up and and be there to provide emotional support.
If you have conflicting information, such as the flower comments above - either ask the family in advance if you are comfortable, or call the funeral home or cemetery and ask them.